In-Law Issues - Really Long Post***

6fsn · April 2017

Two thoughts. You mentioned them Going to their own country, is there a cultural difference going on here?

Second, I sure hope my parents were as excited for my wedding (the fourth) as they were for my borther's (the first). I always get pissy when people talk about first wedding/child etc. being extra special. I know it's my baggage from being the fourth and birthing grandkids 7-9.

6fsn · April 2017

I lied. There's a third. You said they were fine with it until a few months ago, but did they have any idea that a dw was going to run them $4k? I could see a high possibility of them not knowing this.

flantastic · April 2017

southernbelle0915 said:

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

To be honest, the plane tickets to my state from where his parents live are about $450, hotels are about $275-$300 a night ( not all inclusive). Then they'd need to add transportation costs once here because they don't drive. I checked the prices myself, tickets to our DW are $350 and a 4 night stay at a regular hotel is $450. In all they would have spent $1,850 compared to $1,800 on flights alone to fly to our state.

So with this information, I think this is just an unfortunate situation of the couple living far away from family. It sounds like they researched the cost and the DW would actually be cheaper for FI's folks.

Short of moving their wedding to his parents' home town, they are taking costs into account and trying to plan with that in mind. Could they do that? Sure. But when you have families in multiple places, someone's going to have to travel.

I don't disagree with others that the "if you love me, you'll make this work" attitude is abysmal and dripping with privilege, but it sounds like they've done the best they can to research cost.

I mean, sure, but really the problem is "If you love me, YOU'LL make this work." If it were truly so important to have the parents there, other solutions could have been having the wedding where the parents live, letting them stay at their place instead of the $300/night hotel, etc. But they didn't choose to compromise on anything or include them in the planning or offer anything in terms of hospitality, and now they're upset that since they've laid out everything on their own terms, the parents aren't going to take up those terms.

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 · April 2017

I did not want a courthouse wedding. Even we decided to get married at the courthouse and we invited guests, they would all need to fly out to us. Is that not still dictating what they do with their time. The best solution in all of this would have been to have th wedding where his parents live to make it convenient for them to attend, if that's really the reason.

I see a common thread throughout this post about the initial issue was us not consulting them or asking them how they feel about us having a DW wedding. For those of you who are married, how many of you picked up the phone and called your in laws to ask where's the best location for you to have your wedding for them to be comfortable to come? Whether it was a stateside wedding or a DW wedding, people would have to travel. You're all are telling me I should have cleared it with my in laws, not my immediate family on whether or not a DW wedding would work for them.

It it is funny how many of you notated I cannot dictate how they spend their money, when they take vacation or to where the vacation but I should allow them to choose a location convenient to them to have my wedding.

We have been engaged over a year. WHY WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL TWO MONTHS BEFORE to ask who's idea it was to have a DW and how expensive it is. Had they even expressed concern for the location when we told them, we could have spoken and discussed other alternatives. You don't sit and stew and wait for all the plans to be finalized to complain.

I didn't say their feelings didn't matter. Cause I would not have reached out to them to encourage them to all speak. They all need to work at communicating better and that what I was pushing for. I do know that FL is sincerely hurt by what his mother said to him. I've watched him go above and beyond for his mother and his entire family so it is a slap in the face to him that they're upset about where his wedding is going to be.

To the person who commented regarding my statement about it being their first child's wedding... to me and apparently to FL it does matter that his parents' presence on his wedding day is determined by cost. Once again, he would not have decided to do a DW wedding if he knew it would be a burden. I've been with him for 9 years and he would flat out tell me what things his parents would do or not do, would be interested in or not interested in.

I don't have the most money in the world but family is everything to me and if my mother, father brother or sister asked me to travel clear across the world to celebrate a momentous occasion with them, I would go. We all talk about DW being so expensive but we'd quickly attend a funeral to pay our last respects. My mother always told me to give her flowers while she's can still smell them versus scattering them across her grave. Sorry if I'm just too blinded by my interpretation of family.

Thank you all for your opinions!

southernbelle0915 · April 2017

flantastic said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

To be honest, the plane tickets to my state from where his parents live are about $450, hotels are about $275-$300 a night ( not all inclusive). Then they'd need to add transportation costs once here because they don't drive. I checked the prices myself, tickets to our DW are $350 and a 4 night stay at a regular hotel is $450. In all they would have spent $1,850 compared to $1,800 on flights alone to fly to our state.

So with this information, I think this is just an unfortunate situation of the couple living far away from family. It sounds like they researched the cost and the DW would actually be cheaper for FI's folks.

Short of moving their wedding to his parents' home town, they are taking costs into account and trying to plan with that in mind. Could they do that? Sure. But when you have families in multiple places, someone's going to have to travel.

I don't disagree with others that the "if you love me, you'll make this work" attitude is abysmal and dripping with privilege, but it sounds like they've done the best they can to research cost.

I mean, sure, but really the problem is "If you love me, YOU'LL make this work." If it were truly so important to have the parents there, other solutions could have been having the wedding where the parents live, letting them stay at their place instead of the $300/night hotel, etc. But they didn't choose to compromise on anything or include them in the planning or offer anything in terms of hospitality, and now they're upset that since they've laid out everything on their own terms, the parents aren't going to take up those terms.

I really hate the "if you love me...(insert self-serving thing here)" attitude. I'm with you there.

However, this makes a lot of assumptions. It assumes they could accommodate his parents. It assumes his parents would have been 100% a-ok with flying to wherever they live and staying with them. It assumes OP's parents, who now have to travel, can afford flight/hotel/car to FIL's home town if they changed their plans.

When families live in different cities/states/countries, someone is going to have to travel. It sounds like OP and her FI looked into a bunch of different options and crunched numbers. And it sounds like with everyone having to travel anyway if they want to see the wedding (unless the couple chooses one family and gets married in that town), this was a cost effective option.

Do I think they've handled the situation well? Not even a little bit. Her FI obviously needs help in the communication and conflict management department. And she needs to step off her privilege horse and join the real world. But I don't really see an issue with their planning considering their families and geography.

flantastic · April 2017

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

I did not want a courthouse wedding. Even we decided to get married at the courthouse and we invited guests, they would all need to fly out to us. Is that not still dictating what they do with their time. The best solution in all of this would have been to have th wedding where his parents live to make it convenient for them to attend, if that's really the reason.

I see a common thread throughout this post about the initial issue was us not consulting them or asking them how they feel about us having a DW wedding. For those of you who are married, how many of you picked up the phone and called your in laws to ask where's the best location for you to have your wedding for them to be comfortable to come? Whether it was a stateside wedding or a DW wedding, people would have to travel. You're all are telling me I should have cleared it with my in laws, not my immediate family on whether or not a DW wedding would work for them.

It it is funny how many of you notated I cannot dictate how they spend their money, when they take vacation or to where the vacation but I should allow them to choose a location convenient to them to have my wedding.

We have been engaged over a year. WHY WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL TWO MONTHS BEFORE to ask who's idea it was to have a DW and how expensive it is. Had they even expressed concern for the location when we told them, we could have spoken and discussed other alternatives. You don't sit and stew and wait for all the plans to be finalized to complain.

I didn't say their feelings didn't matter. Cause I would not have reached out to them to encourage them to all speak. They all need to work at communicating better and that what I was pushing for. I do know that FL is sincerely hurt by what his mother said to him. I've watched him go above and beyond for his mother and his entire family so it is a slap in the face to him that they're upset about where his wedding is going to be.

To the person who commented regarding my statement about it being their first child's wedding... to me and apparently to FL it does matter that his parents' presence on his wedding day is determined by cost. Once again, he would not have decided to do a DW wedding if he knew it would be a burden. I've been with him for 9 years and he would flat out tell me what things his parents would do or not do, would be interested in or not interested in.

I don't have the most money in the world but family is everything to me and if my mother, father brother or sister asked me to travel clear across the world to celebrate a momentous occasion with them, I would go. We all talk about DW being so expensive but we'd quickly attend a funeral to pay our last respects. My mother always told me to give her flowers while she's can still smell them versus scattering them across her grave. Sorry if I'm just too blinded by my interpretation of family.

Thank you all for your opinions!

Okay. You have choices. You and your FI decided you wanted your DW, not a courthouse wedding. That's fine. Other people also have choices to make based on that. You just also can't be mad that other people won't make the same choice you think you would in the same situation, especially when you didn't really make it easy for them.

Sounds like you didn't really invite input. So they didn't give it. I agree that it's unhelpful for it all to blow up now, but maybe they were just now able to determine that they couldn't make your wedding. That's got to be emotionally stressful for them too - just because they're not choosing to move heaven and earth to be there doesn't mean they don't want to be there.

kimmiinthemitten · April 2017

OP, I believe you when you said you researched the options and thought the DW would be less expensive/more convenient. The mistake you made was keeping everything a grand secret for months and not allowing his family the time they clearly need to process it, especially since the family seems to enjoy conflict and poor communication.

Your FI created the problem you have today by uninviting his family.

But what's done is done. Hashing over who said what when both parties acted like children isn't going to solve anything. At the risk of sounding obtuse, your FI needs to get over it - his parents hurt his feelings - big deal! That happens to tons of people who get married! Every single person in my immediate family did something to upset me. But I can't control how they act, only how I respond, so I chose to be the bigger person because I didn't expect them to be as excited for my wedding as I was and my day was great anyways.

FI needs to call his mother, father and cousin independently and apologize to each of them. At that time he should re-extend the invitation, and also be okay if they choose not to come. You two also need to decide how important it is to the two of you to have them there. If it's important, what are you willing to do? Can you and he afford to help with the costs if they can't? Would you cancel your plans and reschedule something better suited for them? Would facetiming them in for the day help?

VarunaTT · April 2017

No, I didn't pick up my phone call to call my in-laws to ask; my FI at the time did. B/c that's how things work. Now, just b/c the two of you made a decision that was convenient for you, isn't bad. But doubling down to pretend it's convenient for someone else is bad behavior. Adults make decisions that are convenient for them all the time. B/c they can. B/c they're adults. So freaking act like one.

Stay out of your FI's family business. He sounds like he's prioritizing the two of your family to me, so stop pushing things where you're not wanted. You're making it worse.

Yes, stop comparing families. People/families are different. Adults know this.

I was on board with you, even through some of the *head tilt* things until the temper tantrum above. You made decisions, either stick with them or change, them, but you and FI don't have to justify/validate a danged thing, so stop trying. "Your concerns are noted," and "You'll be missed" is as far as you need to go (it's readily apparent you are not interested in solutions).

banana468 · April 2017

FWIW, when DH and I got engaged nearly 11 years ago, we sat down and thought about planning. At the time we lived 1hr 20 minutes from my ILs and 1 hr from my parents. We entertained the idea of a wedding where we lived because it was "only" an hour but with our families living 20 minutes away from each other, the decision for us was easy. I know it doesn't work out so easily for most couples though.

When we planned our dates, we went to our VIPs. We knew it would be local and then asked all of them what were the dates that worked best. Knowing that BIL would need to travel, we made sure that we weren't planning at a bad time. We consulted with all of them FIRST. And then we started looking knowing those dates in mind.

I can tell you that all of that went over FAR better with my ILs than when BIL planned his wedding and my IL's showed up for a meet the parents weekend to be TOLD when the wedding was taking place.

Stop martyring yourself in all of this. You made some bad choices and your FI and child are the ones suffering.

Get off your soapbox and start apologizing.

Joney · April 2017

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

I did not want a courthouse wedding. Even we decided to get married at the courthouse and we invited guests, they would all need to fly out to us. Is that not still dictating what they do with their time. The best solution in all of this would have been to have th wedding where his parents live to make it convenient for them to attend, if that's really the reason.

I see a common thread throughout this post about the initial issue was us not consulting them or asking them how they feel about us having a DW wedding. For those of you who are married, how many of you picked up the phone and called your in laws to ask where's the best location for you to have your wedding for them to be comfortable to come? Whether it was a stateside wedding or a DW wedding, people would have to travel. You're all are telling me I should have cleared it with my in laws, not my immediate family on whether or not a DW wedding would work for them.

It it is funny how many of you notated I cannot dictate how they spend their money, when they take vacation or to where the vacation but I should allow them to choose a location convenient to them to have my wedding.

We have been engaged over a year. WHY WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL TWO MONTHS BEFORE to ask who's idea it was to have a DW and how expensive it is. Had they even expressed concern for the location when we told them, we could have spoken and discussed other alternatives. You don't sit and stew and wait for all the plans to be finalized to complain.

I didn't say their feelings didn't matter. Cause I would not have reached out to them to encourage them to all speak. They all need to work at communicating better and that what I was pushing for. I do know that FL is sincerely hurt by what his mother said to him. I've watched him go above and beyond for his mother and his entire family so it is a slap in the face to him that they're upset about where his wedding is going to be.

To the person who commented regarding my statement about it being their first child's wedding... to me and apparently to FL it does matter that his parents' presence on his wedding day is determined by cost. Once again, he would not have decided to do a DW wedding if he knew it would be a burden. I've been with him for 9 years and he would flat out tell me what things his parents would do or not do, would be interested in or not interested in.

I don't have the most money in the world but family is everything to me and if my mother, father brother or sister asked me to travel clear across the world to celebrate a momentous occasion with them, I would go. We all talk about DW being so expensive but we'd quickly attend a funeral to pay our last respects. My mother always told me to give her flowers while she's can still smell them versus scattering them across her grave. Sorry if I'm just too blinded by my interpretation of family.

Thank you all for your opinions!

DH is from Europe, I'm from Canada. Yes, we asked. Our final decision was made to get married in DH's home country because his VIP guests would have been unable to travel to Canada, whereas mine were more able to come to Europe. We cleared our date by my brother, who is a teacher and has certain vacation restrictions. It would have been cheaper for almost everyone involved for us to go to the Caribbean. But, again, DH's VIP guests wouldn't have been able to come.

eta: we cleared out date with everyone, but ended up changing it for my brother

6fsn · April 2017

We actually did call our parents and siblings and checked dates and locations. If we were considering a dw we would have also put out a preliminary cost.

climbingsingle · April 2017

We discussed our venue and date with our parents before we booked it. It was a 90 minute drive for my parents, and a plane ride from FL for both my in-laws (they are no longer married). My FIL did not attend our wedding, because of the travel. We tried to make arrangements for him, but he refused. That was his choice. My husband was very sad, but he certainly didn't throw a hissy fit. My FIL did not tell us he wasn't attending until about 3 months before the wedding. Our wedding was held in our home state, where both my FI and I grew up, where all of our parents had once lived.

Again, we actually asked my FIL in advance if he could come up to NY. He said yes. But then said he couldn't later on. My husband accepted it, and moved on. It hasn't affected his relationship with his dad.

I have one brother. I love him a lot. But if decided to get married in China, and I couldn't afford the plane ticket or the accommodations, I would wish him well and tell him I'll celebrate with him when he got back. If you can't afford it, YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT.

bleve0821 · April 2017

You bet we talked to both our families, about location AND dates AND budget. And we kept them in the loop about all of our plans, from what would be on the menu so we could accommodate food allergies/sensitivities, to options for hotel, and transportation to/from the hotel(s) and venue.

Because it was important to us that all the important people in our lives were able to attend, and also that they were comfortable whilst they were in attendance.

charlotte989875 · April 2017

My in laws live 7 hours (driving) from where my parents live. H and I lived 13 hours (driving) from where my parents lived. All our mutual friends lived in the town where my parents lived. All of H's extended family live 3 hours from where my parents lived. So there was no great location.

We absolutely called in laws and my parents (who were paying) on what location would be easiest. Planning where we lived would have been easiest for us, but worse for everyone else, so we all agreed to get married in the city where our friends/my family lived. But we'd didn't tell our in laws this, we asked for their input. There's a big difference.

geebee908 · April 2017

Yes, consulting with all of your (yours & FI's) VIPs before determining date, location, and cost to them is the common practice because if you don't you risk that one or more of those people won't be able to be present for your wedding. Sounds like you considered your FILs circumstances in planning but only as assumptions on your part. There should have been a conversation before any planning began in which you found out their preferences.

missJeanLouise · April 2017

We consulting on Where and When our wedding would be with our VIPs. We wanted to get married in the woods or mountains but having our families there was more important than any vision.

It is okay if your vision is more important than family but own it.

short+sassy · April 2017

I'm not going to re-hash too much what can't be changed now. I think it would have been a great idea, at the time, to have a travel finances discussion with all the VIPs, when the two of you were considering where to get married. Like, "We're really considering a DW in (Caribbean Island), we crunched the numbers and it looks like it would actually be cheaper traveling for you all if we go that route. What do you all think?"

And not that you all necessarily would have vetoed the idea if they didn't like it, but at least there might have been better emotional preparation on what was going to be happening for all involved.

For example, my friend's son had a DW in Costa Rica. She told him when he and his FI first brought up the idea to her that, while she understands why that would be their style, she had to warn them she might not be able to go if they did that due to cost/vacation time. All the cards and expectations were on the table from the get-go. Although my friend was disappointed when they did choose the DW, there was no animosity on either side.

But, from where you all are now. The bottom line is, your FI uninvited his family. And it sounds like he still hasn't even re-invited them. If he wants them to come, he does need to call them and apologize. That's the bottom line. They still may not come. And that's fine. Disappointing, but fine. However, at least he is trying to mend fences and inviting them again. On that issue, I don't blame his family. It's nice that you tried to smooth things over but, if my brother uninvited me to his wedding, HE needs to be the one to re-invite me.

*Barbie* · April 2017

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

I see a common thread throughout this post about the initial issue was us not consulting them or asking them how they feel about us having a DW wedding. For those of you who are married, how many of you picked up the phone and called your in laws to ask where's the best location for you to have your wedding for them to be comfortable to come? Whether it was a stateside wedding or a DW wedding, people would have to travel. You're all are telling me I should have cleared it with my in laws, not my immediate family on whether or not a DW wedding would work for them.

We checked in with my family re: location before planning the wedding. We lived in same town as ILs, and were the 3rd wedding they (ILs) had hosted in 3 years. ILs offered to host in our current town, or in my family's hometown, but we thought it would be easier to hold the wedding where we lived, especially because ILs already had a lot of knowledge about local options, and we were local to plan.

Not only did we check with my parents on date and location, we also checked with my sister who was MOH. She was still in college, and we wanted to make sure that she thought she would be clear of midterm week (October wedding) and if not, was she still comfortable attending, because we thought her education was more important, and were willing to push back a few weeks if there was a date conflict. Since we all attended the same University, we thought we were clear, but still wanted to make sure she was comfortable before booking.

We also confirmed the date and location with the wedding party - as additional VIPs, we wanted to make sure they could attend.

kimmiinthemitten · April 2017

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

I see a common thread throughout this post about the initial issue was us not consulting them or asking them how they feel about us having a DW wedding. For those of you who are married, how many of you picked up the phone and called your in laws to ask where's the best location for you to have your wedding for them to be comfortable to come? Whether it was a stateside wedding or a DW wedding, people would have to travel. You're all are telling me I should have cleared it with my in laws, not my immediate family on whether or not a DW wedding would work for them.

We wanted to get married in December, so we not only checked with our VIPs but also with our out of town family to see how they felt about the date. Unfortunately, due to things we couldn't control two of FI's cousins who okayed the date ended up not being able to come and we were bummed of course, but understood.

redwoodoriginal · April 2017

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

To be honest, the plane tickets to my state from where his parents live are about $450, hotels are about $275-$300 a night ( not all inclusive). Then they'd need to add transportation costs once here because they don't drive. I checked the prices myself, tickets to our DW are $350 and a 4 night stay at a regular hotel is $450. In all they would have spent $1,850 compared to $1,800 on flights alone to fly to our state.

Ok first of all- $1800 DW vs $1850 stateside is seriously not a "this option is soooo much cheaper". You are also saying that they are upset about the $4k price tag. But $1850pp is not $4k for three people- so what's the ACTUAL price? $4kpp or $4k for MIL/FIL and another $2k for BIL? Because that's $6k right there. Or the $1850pp is $5500 total for the three... which is way more than $4k. So where are you getting this $4k number?? And you mention that that's for a 4night stay in a regular hotel. Is that not the resort where you are getting married? Bc if that's where they were looking it might have been even more expensive. Either way that's a shitton of money to spend for FOUR DAYS.

And stop judging what they spend money on. I bet going to their country to visit their families there is incredibly high and important on their list- as someone who claims to value family as much as you do- why wouldn't you understand that, of all things?

And please, weddings in NY can cost as little or as much as you make it- that $45k number is a fucking joke. If you wanted to have a small wedding you could have done it for significantly less money than a DW.

Your FI overreacted. He needs to apologize to his family for uninviting them, full stop.

southernbelle0915 · April 2017

We sort of asked for input and sort of told them the plan.

The date was 100% "does this work for you because if not, we will change it."

The location was a little different. We more informed them than asked if the location was ok. His family has the financial means and physical ability to travel. Much of my family does not. Also, we paid for the wedding along with my parents (my IL's did not contribute). Also, H has about 15 family members who live 1,500 miles from where we live. I have about 100 (living in/around where we got married). It was a no-brainer to have it near where we live. So this wasn't really "where would you prefer we get married" conversation. If his family literally did not have the money to come to our wedding, we would have helped them with cost.

mrsconn23 · April 2017

Wait, you're questioning whether you should check with the most important people in a person's life regarding their attendance at one of the more important events in a person's life to ensure that the timing (and cost) of said event (which CAN BE CONTROLLED...unlike birth or death) works for their schedule so they can be in attendance? Like, what?

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 · April 2017

There's a difference between not being able to afford it and not wanting to spend the money. it's not about appearing to a charity case, if his family needed help paying for the trip, he would of figured out a way to help.

I didn't realize I was coming off so "privileged". Which I am by no means. I just think differently. I was not insensitive to the cost. I sat and researched hotel costs. I negotiated prices for all my guests at hotels with different price points so that everyone would have options. Though his parents were not included in the decision, they were definitely considered in the process. I am not being facetious but I did not know we needed to have a sit down with his parents to discuss our plans. I've never seen FL consult his parents regarding any of the life changing decisions he has made since being in his life and I did not think this would be different. My time around them, they were very carefree in the decisions their children made. He didn't have to go to college, whereas not attending college was not an option for me. He and his brother didn't have to ask permission to go places or do things whereas I couldn't go out to the movies while home on spring break from college.

I am not upset that they aren't financially able to be there. Saying "hey we won't be able to make it due to the cost" vs "who's idea was it and I think you guys are being inconsiderate" conveys two different emotions. I am more upset about the deliberate need to make us feel awful for our decision to have a DW wedding at this point. I've spoken to and seen his mother multiple times since the decision to have the wedding and never once did she express anything. FL has spoken to his entire family and no one told him this was creating a hardship so it's confusing as to why it suddenly became one. Even if it is a financial hardship, why would you dismiss all the solutions presented? - They are originally from the Caribbean so there isn't much in the way of a cultural difference for them not wanting to travel. - We expected that there would be people who could not make it but suprisingly 98% of our guests said they'd always wanted to travel to the Caribbean and would vacation there once the wedding is through. We were overwhelmed by the support and excitement we received. People we hadn't even invited requested to come. So yes it does dampen things to know his family isn't as excited.

As far as changing the venue or postponing it, I've considered it but it is not a feasible option. Our venue and vendors have all been paid. Almost all of guests have booked and paid for their accommodations. At this point venting is all I can do and that is why I posted here. I am not consistently discussing this with FL nor his family. I haven't brought it up since and have left it alone on that end. I just needed to vent.

banana468 · April 2017

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

There's a difference between not being able to afford it and not wanting to spend the money. it's not about appearing to a charity case, if his family needed help paying for the trip, he would of figured out a way to help.

I didn't realize I was coming off so "privileged". Which I am by no means. I just think differently. I was not insensitive to the cost. I sat and researched hotel costs. I negotiated prices for all my guests at hotels with different price points so that everyone would have options. Though his parents were not included in the decision, they were definitely considered in the process. I am not being facetious but I did not know we needed to have a sit down with his parents to discuss our plans. I've never seen FL consult his parents regarding any of the life changing decisions he has made since being in his life and I did not think this would be different. My time around them, they were very carefree in the decisions their children made. He didn't have to go to college, whereas not attending college was not an option for me. He and his brother didn't have to ask permission to go places or do things whereas I couldn't go out to the movies while home on spring break from college.

I am not upset that they aren't financially able to be there. Saying "hey we won't be able to make it due to the cost" vs "who's idea was it and I think you guys are being inconsiderate" conveys two different emotions. I am more upset about the deliberate need to make us feel awful for our decision to have a DW wedding at this point. I've spoken to and seen his mother multiple times since the decision to have the wedding and never once did she express anything. FL has spoken to his entire family and no one told him this was creating a hardship so it's confusing as to why it suddenly became one. Even if it is a financial hardship, why would you dismiss all the solutions presented? - They are originally from the Caribbean so there isn't much in the way of a cultural difference for them not wanting to travel. - We expected that there would be people who could not make it but suprisingly 98% of our guests said they'd always wanted to travel to the Caribbean and would vacation there once the wedding is through. We were overwhelmed by the support and excitement we received. People we hadn't even invited requested to come. So yes it does dampen things to know his family isn't as excited.

As far as changing the venue or postponing it, I've considered it but it is not a feasible option. Our venue and vendors have all been paid. Almost all of guests have booked and paid for their accommodations. At this point venting is all I can do and that is why I posted here. I am not consistently discussing this with FL nor his family. I haven't brought it up since and have left it alone on that end. I just needed to vent.

You realize that your FI going to the movies WITHOUT HIS PARENTS, and going to college WITHOUT HIS PARENTS are different then the financial aspect of the wedding.

Look. You're getting really defensive. And the bottom line is that your FI's family feels the way they feel.

You can continue to be defensive and stand-offish. Or you can strongly advise your FI to talk to his parents, apologize for his extreme rudeness and offer some solutions to them.

You're doing the written equivalent of putting your hands up in the air as if you're absolved from wrongdoing and your hands are washed from this. It's YOUR wedding. If you want your future in laws to be there then you need to swallow your pride and ask for their forgiveness.

And the next time you plan something that costs key guests thousands of dollars, how about consulting with them first?

6fsn · April 2017

What does FL stand for? I keep going back and forth between future lover and Florida.

charlotte989875 · April 2017

Your FILs are entitled to their feelings, as illogical as they may seem to you. So you can continue to argue they shouldn't feel this way or you (and your FI) can start to deal with the consequences of their feelings and your FIs overreaction to them. You can continue to complain they're not coming or you (again the two of you) can deal with them as adults, apologize for your role in the problem and move forward. I'm just not sure where continuing to say they're wrong is going to get you.

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 · April 2017

His mother is the one who quoted the 4K price tag. Far as my research, it would be approximately $1,800 for flight/hotel for all 4 of them. Our wedding is not being held on the resort premises where our guests will be staying. There's no additional cost to travel to the wedding/venue site as it is 5 minutes away driving and 15 minutes walking. Shuttle service is also provided.

I didn't say having the wedding in NY would cost me 45k but those are the average costs for weddings there according to Google. Most places charge $75-$95 per plate for a seated dinner. Even if we had 50 guests at $75, it would cost $3,750 before taxes and gratuity to book the space. Then we would have to hire a Dj, photographer, buy event insurance, etc.. Between working for non profit organization who threw galas every summer to my own research, I was looking at much more than $5k to plan an NY wedding. I wasn't trying to Bev selfish in the deck to have a DW wedding but thought people would get more for their money there rather than traveling to where we currently live.

climbingsingle · April 2017

"FI" is the abbreviation for fiance. It's not FL, like the state abbreviation for Florida.

Asking permission to go to the movies, or deciding to not attend college and discussing your wedding plans with your family members are obviously two very different things. I don't understand how you could possibly make this comparison. I didn't ask my parents' permission on any adult decisions. BUT I wanted to make sure they'd be able to attend to my wedding. So before I booked the venue, I called them and discussed it. Same with my husband. It's not a foreign concept - as you can see a lot of posters did this too. If it's absolutely vital that someone attends your wedding, run your plans by them first. And this goes for anything you're planning.

Your FI's parents are right in that you've been inconsiderate to them. But, your FI has already uninvited them. So I guess you both need to decide what kind of relationship you'd like with them going forward. I recommend therapy.

6fsn · April 2017

I'm trying to book a vacation to the Caribbean. Please tell me how to get the re for $1800!

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 · April 2017

Cheapcaribbean.com and Hotels.com

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