Wedding Woes

Yes, Stop Lying

My husband of one year has a bit of a hangup about one of my male friends, whom I met three years before my husband. Somewhere in those three years, I had a long, unrequited crush (he is gay) on this male friend, but that crush died off soon before I met my husband—a husband whom I adore and is a much better match for me than this friend ever would have been even if he were straight. This friend and I naturally drifted apart some, but I still talk to him once in a while on Facebook or Twitter, usually in public but occasionally through chat. We have known each other a long time and care about each other’s lives. The things we talk about are sometimes personal but completely innocent and not overly intimate. We will talk about, say, the fact that he is considering joining another religion. My husband and I have had many talks about his jealousy about my former feelings toward my friend. He knows that nothing is going on, that my friend is gay, that I am not pining after him, and that I have a right to my former friendships, but I know he still feels insecure. So when my husband sees me typing away on my phone and casually asks who I’m talking to, if it’s this friend, I usually tell him it’s one of my other friends (even other male ones) just to avoid an argument or making my husband feel bad. Is this wrong? I feel like I’m acting like a cheater but I just want to avoid a fight about something I don’t really think is my problem.
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Re: Yes, Stop Lying

  • It's your problem if you can't be honest about what you're doing.   It sounds like on some level she can't be honest about what's going on.   Until she can tell her spouse what is happening she should figure out why she's lying in the first place.  He needs to come to terms to accept her situation or she needs to be up front that his jealousy is a major problem and unfounded.   
  • Yah, lying is wrong and is likely going to make the husband feel even worse and more insecure. 
  • Husband is insecure and LW seems to know this, yet LW continues to lie. Lying won't help ANYONE.

    I was in a similar situation, except a little more in-depth. My BFF at the time was gay, and same as LW, I liked him. A lot. When I met M, I had to explain that after the bar on Thursdays, my friend would stay at my place {my parents place} and we'd crash in the same bed. Nothing happened, for more than the fact he was gay - I liked this new guy and tried to make this relationship work.

    I was upfront and honest, and despite that M wasn't a fan {told me and explained why} he didn't have much to go on. It was new.

    LW needs to talk to husband and see if there's a root of the insecurity, and if there's anything she can do to help alleviate this. 
  • Good lord...tell him it's the friend and show him the messages. If you've got nothing to hide, there's no issue doing that. I'm up front with all my friends that if you tell me something that is akin to telling my husband also. 
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