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Keep Generic Response Handy

short+sassyshort+sassy member
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in Wedding Woes
A very close friend of mine died very suddenly at age 30 just two weeks ago, and as a result, I’ve been fielding a lot of messages from our mutual friends, including acquaintances who went to school with us but who lost touch with him years ago. They keep asking how he died—one person who didn’t know him even asked if he’d killed himself! (He didn’t, and there was no reason to assume that he had.)

This has been very difficult to address repeatedly, but I’d rather be the one to answer those invasive questions than his family members. His mom expressed great relief that no one had asked her this (yet). I’m trying to be understanding because it’s natural to be curious when someone dies young, but many of them didn’t even know him, and I’m starting to lose patience. His funeral was this weekend, and I hoped the questions would stop after the service, but they haven’t. Only a few people know the exact details of his death, and his family doesn’t want everyone to know. I’m keeping my answers concise and matter-of-fact without giving too much away, but I’m struggling with it, and I’m worried I’m eventually going to snap and say something rude. It’s not any one person that is getting to me, just the accrual of questions coming from everyone. When can I expect these questions to stop? Am I allowed to shut the questions down, or is that rude? I don’t want people bugging his family for information if they can’t get it from me.

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Re: Keep Generic Response Handy

  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    Suicide is a normal thought if it was sudden and they're young.

    Talking to anyone about a death isn't easy. Generic response is easiest.
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  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
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    I would stop fielding the questions and start ignoring people, and warn your friend's family members to do the same.  People are nosy, but that doesn't mean they are entitled to answers.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    It's too bad the LW has been put in this spot and I understand how upsetting and irritating it must be.  But, at the same time, I don't think it's unusual or even rude for other people to be concerned and ask the LW questions.  Though perhaps rude for the person who didn't even know the deceased to ask if it was a suicide.  That is just unsavory, all around.

    Last December, a former coworker (she was already "former" at the time) died in her sleep.  She was only in her mid 30's.  I did ask questions to a present coworker, who was still friends with her.  Mostly asking how the woman's sons were holding up.  Expressing my regret.  But I admittedly also asked how she had died.  I think it is a normal question anytime someone dies, but especially so young.  My coworker didn't know, or at least told me she didn't know, and I certainly didn't question further.

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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    My best friend died suddenly about 18 months ago. The questions will dwindle, guaranteed.
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    Honestly, now I want to know how they died. I think it's natural to want to know because we humans want to keep the notion that we have control of our destiny. "Oh they died of a drug overdose? I don't do drugs so that won't happen to me." "Oh they were a smoker and died of lung cancer? I don't smoke so that won't happen to me." 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:

    Honestly, now I want to know how they died. I think it's natural to want to know because we humans want to keep the notion that we have control of our destiny. "Oh they died of a drug overdose? I don't do drugs so that won't happen to me." "Oh they were a smoker and died of lung cancer? I don't smoke so that won't happen to me." 


    Right now in my area, it's a lot of accidental overdose because of fentanyl so it's been assumed with a lot of young deaths :(
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  • Joney Joney member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:

    Honestly, now I want to know how they died. I think it's natural to want to know because we humans want to keep the notion that we have control of our destiny. "Oh they died of a drug overdose? I don't do drugs so that won't happen to me." "Oh they were a smoker and died of lung cancer? I don't smoke so that won't happen to me." 

    I think this is a big part of it, and I'll admit that I've done a bit of internet sleuthing when something pops up on Facebook.  Never in my wildest dreams would I contact someone to ask for private details, especially if I've fallen out of contact with the deceased (or just never knew them to begin with).  It's one thing if I meet someone for coffee, and they say "Jane died last week," and I respond with "omg, that's horrible!  What happened?"  It's quite another to send a random private message out of the blue to grieving family and friends.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    Joney said:



    DrillSergeantCat said:


    Honestly, now I want to know how they died. I think it's natural to want to know because we humans want to keep the notion that we have control of our destiny. "Oh they died of a drug overdose? I don't do drugs so that won't happen to me." "Oh they were a smoker and died of lung cancer? I don't smoke so that won't happen to me." 


    I think this is a big part of it, and I'll admit that I've done a bit of internet sleuthing when something pops up on Facebook.  Never in my wildest dreams would I contact someone to ask for private details, especially if I've fallen out of contact with the deceased (or just never knew them to begin with).  It's one thing if I meet someone for coffee, and they say "Jane died last week," and I respond with "omg, that's horrible!  What happened?"  It's quite another to send a random private message out of the blue to grieving family and friends.


    When my dad passed there was a lot of emergency vehicles at our place, so people gathered.
    I had a moment of issues, and my mum suggested M take me away from the situation to get a breather. One old lady asked what was happening, I said "this is not the time" since I didn't know what was happening and at that moment the paramedics said it wasn't looking good.
    I guess she didn't hear, because she asked again "Miss? Miss!? What's going on?"
    And I completely snapped back "RIGHT NOW IS NOT THE TIME!! YOU DON'T ASK SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ISSUE!!"

    Found out later that my dad happened to talk to her often, and my mum saw her - she understood my flip out, but still she shouldn't have asked since she didn't know me.
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:

    Honestly, now I want to know how they died. I think it's natural to want to know because we humans want to keep the notion that we have control of our destiny. "Oh they died of a drug overdose? I don't do drugs so that won't happen to me." "Oh they were a smoker and died of lung cancer? I don't smoke so that won't happen to me." 


    My girlfriend's mother died of lung cancer and never smoked in her life. It took two years to get a diagnosis because of that. She was 4 months from her death when they figured it out. After her death, they found a genetic mutation that caused the cancer. It can happen. 
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    TrixieJess said:



    DrillSergeantCat said:


    Honestly, now I want to know how they died. I think it's natural to want to know because we humans want to keep the notion that we have control of our destiny. "Oh they died of a drug overdose? I don't do drugs so that won't happen to me." "Oh they were a smoker and died of lung cancer? I don't smoke so that won't happen to me." 




    My girlfriend's mother died of lung cancer and never smoked in her life. It took two years to get a diagnosis because of that. She was 4 months from her death when they figured it out. After her death, they found a genetic mutation that caused the cancer. It can happen. 


    I'm not saying it doesn't, but that's the way people think. It's much easier to place blame on something rather than just accepting the fact that sometimes shit just happens.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    Death is a guarantee in life.  Why is it so difficult to say "They died from a genetic condition/Cancer/Burst Gall Bladder/Asthma attack/Tripped over their own toenail while running a marathon and slipped off a bridge landing on the platform of a barge/suicide/OD/accident/etc."  If they want to feel like they're protecting the family, instead of letting the family field all of the questions, if you have the answer, answer the question!  This isn't "A Few Good Men"!  Regardless of age.  Also, to say "they(someone else) didn't know (the person)" - how arrogant!

     TrixieJess said:




    DrillSergeantCat said:


    Honestly, now I want to know how they died. I think it's natural to want to know because we humans want to keep the notion that we have control of our destiny. "Oh they died of a drug overdose? I don't do drugs so that won't happen to me." "Oh they were a smoker and died of lung cancer? I don't smoke so that won't happen to me." 




    My girlfriend's mother died of lung cancer and never smoked in her life. It took two years to get a diagnosis because of that. She was 4 months from her death when they figured it out. After her death, they found a genetic mutation that caused the cancer. It can happen. 


    This happened to a family friend's wife as well - never even experimented and they'd JUST had a baby.  He now does a bike ride and "the face of the family" for a research school who did/is doing their best to find a cure.  
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    missJeanLouise said:

    My best friend died suddenly about 18 months ago. The questions will dwindle, guaranteed.


    I'm so sorry.  Mine died 6.5 years ago (expected though...cancer. :( ) and it's such a hard thing to go through. *hugs* 
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