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Bachelorette Party Woes

Knottie1463755638Knottie1463755638 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Party
My bridesmaids have planned my bachelorette party without including me. I understand that this is normal, but I have very bad anxiety, which worsens substantially in the face of surprises. Every time I think about the bachelorette party, I get physically ill. I do trust them and I'm sure it'll be fun, but I can't get it or of my head that it's going to be horrible. I know I'm being stupid, but really can't help it; anxiety doesn't typically listen to reason. I've tried to express my feelings and my concerns multiple times to my bridesmaids, making every effort to be as honest and upfront as possible, but they don't seem to care. I tried even asking what I should wear and got very minimal help. I don't know what to do. They say that the whole point of a bachelorette party is to be surprised, but I feel like the point of it is to celebrate with the bride in a way that she's comfortable with and will enjoy. I'm at the point that I don't even want to go because I feel like they don't care about how I feel. It's hard to feel so sick about it and have other people invalidate your feelings/tell you to get over it. Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this? 
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Re: Bachelorette Party Woes

  • Knottie1463755638Knottie1463755638 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited May 2017
    Thanks. I tried doing that today and was told that she understands, but I need to get over it. I thought if I really went into what was going on that it would make a difference, but apparently not. I did get one of them to kind of give me an idea of what she plans on wearing, but I think she was too afraid of pissing off my MOH (I did say I wouldn't say anything). 
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Knottie1463755638 said:

    My bridesmaids have planned my bachelorette party without including me. I understand that this is normal, but I have very bad anxiety, which worsens substantially in the face of surprises. Every time I think about the bachelorette party, I get physically ill. I do trust them and I'm sure it'll be fun, but I can't get it or of my head that it's going to be horrible. I know I'm being stupid, but really can't help it; anxiety doesn't typically listen to reason. I've tried to express my feelings and my concerns multiple times to my bridesmaids, making every effort to be as honest and upfront as possible, but they don't seem to care. I tried even asking what I should wear and got very minimal help. I don't know what to do. They say that the whole point of a bachelorette party is to be surprised, but I feel like the point of it is to celebrate with the bride in a way that she's comfortable with and will enjoy. I'm at the point that I don't even want to go because I feel like they don't care about how I feel. It's hard to feel so sick about it and have other people invalidate your feelings/tell you to get over it. Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this? 


    Do you have a counselor you meet with to help with your anxiety? Because, unfortunately, you can't make them tell you if they aren't going to. How long before the party? I know anxiety doesn't listen to reason but I would try to use this as an exercise in dealing with the unexpected. These are your friends, surely they wouldn't put you in a situation where you would be uncomfortable? 
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  • Knottie1463755638Knottie1463755638 member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    Do you have a counselor you meet with to help with your anxiety? Because, unfortunately, you can't make them tell you if they aren't going to. How long before the party? I know anxiety doesn't listen to reason but I would try to use this as an exercise in dealing with the unexpected. These are your friends, surely they wouldn't put you in a situation where you would be uncomfortable? 


    I do, but haven't found it to be really helpful. It's not until the end of September and they've said I can't know until the day of. I try to tell myself not to worry about it until it at least gets closer, but I'm the kind of bride who has everything done way ahead of time (all I really have left to do is send out the invites and I already even have a preliminary seating chart). Like you said, they're my friends and hopefully wouldn't put me in a situation where I'd be uncomfortable, but that's what they're doing now. It'd be one thing if they could at least give me some minor details. I do 100% appreciate everything they're doing to help with the wedding and whatnot, but it's just hard to not be listened to. 
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  • Knottie1463755638Knottie1463755638 member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    climbingwife said:

    You need to have a conversation with your MOH. This is your best friend, right? If my best friend knew I was in such peril over the party, she'd be upset. 

    Do you have a therapist or counselor to help with your anxiety? I suffer from anxiety too, so I understand. But if you're physically ill over this - I mean, that's no way to be living, you know? 


    I've tried and I really would've thought she'd understand, as she has anxiety problems too, but she is completely unwilling to budge on anything. 

    I do, but I haven't really found it that helpful. I fortunately manage to not think about it often, but when I do, it consumes me. 
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  • Knottie1463755638Knottie1463755638 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Thank you all for all of the great advice. I think I'm going to try to talk to them again and maybe say that I need to know a minimum x, y, and z in order to feel comfortable going. 
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Knottie1463755638 said:

    Thank you all for all of the great advice. I think I'm going to try to talk to them again and maybe say that I need to know a minimum x, y, and z in order to feel comfortable going. 


    I completely agree that your friends are being mean and you have a right to know. That is a good short term solution,

    However, if your anxiety is to the point where you are physically ill over a party your friends are throwing, you should be seeking further help from a mental health professional. There are going to be plenty of situations you can't control and are going to be surprises that can't be solved with quick chats. Look into cognitive behavioral therapy and some further coping strategies. 

    Anxiety is a disease, but you shouldn't just treat the symptoms. There are several further treatment options your medical professionals can help you with. 
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  • missfrodomissfrodo member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    STARMOON44 said:

    "If you don't tell me a basic schedule of the activities by August, I won't be going. This isn't fun for me."


    This.  Exactly this.  While it's nice they're taking the time, effort, and money to throw you a party, if you're going to be miserable for the next 2-3 months with anxiety over it, IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!  If they refuse to change the way they treat you in regards to this, politely but firmly decline their offer.  Better to stop the whole thing now, before they put any more work into it, and before you end up making yourself really sick.  
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2017
    Your friends can have a perfectly nice party without you.  Make this clear!

    My FMIL planned a rehearsal party that was not acceptable to me.  I told her I would not attend.  She fixed the problem.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Knottie1463755638 said:



    Do you have a counselor you meet with to help with your anxiety? Because, unfortunately, you can't make them tell you if they aren't going to. How long before the party? I know anxiety doesn't listen to reason but I would try to use this as an exercise in dealing with the unexpected. These are your friends, surely they wouldn't put you in a situation where you would be uncomfortable? 




    I do, but haven't found it to be really helpful. It's not until the end of September and they've said I can't know until the day of. I try to tell myself not to worry about it until it at least gets closer, but I'm the kind of bride who has everything done way ahead of time (all I really have left to do is send out the invites and I already even have a preliminary seating chart). Like you said, they're my friends and hopefully wouldn't put me in a situation where I'd be uncomfortable, but that's what they're doing now. It'd be one thing if they could at least give me some minor details. I do 100% appreciate everything they're doing to help with the wedding and whatnot, but it's just hard to not be listened to. 


    I can say this because of the profession I'm in, it's o.k. to seek someone new!  The previous therapist/counselor will not take it personally.  If they aren't/weren't helping you, you're wasting your time/money and not doing yourself any favors.  Find someone who can/will sooner than later help you learn a different way to do things instead of the anxiety response.  

    There are some great referral sites out there or you can google your area, but absolutely for something that at least in my profession where we almost take for granted how easy some things are to work with, if who you were working with wasn't helping or you found yourself getting worse, seek out someone who can/will help you now because you've got time if your Bach party is in August such that you may even be able to find yourself discovering surprises can be enjoyable (or whatever you'd like to feel/experience instead)!   That's where I'd recommend you putting your energy at this point.  

    As for them not giving you specifics, presume you're going to wear a T-shirt and jeans on a hike in the woods to go camping at an all-inclusive cabin resort in the woods with a masseuse nicknamed Magic Mike - she's a pro! 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    MyNameIsNot said:

    Honestly, your friends sound like assholes. I would be declining at this point.

    "MOH, I really appreciate that you want to throw a party for me, but I'm not comfortable with this. This is driving my anxiety to the point that I am physically ill. I cannot continue to live like this. I've asked for information that would alleviate my anxiety, but you are not willing to give that information. I understand that is your prerogative, but I will not be attending this party. Please cancel everything immediately and avoid anyone being out money." 


    Exactly this.  Whoever said that you need to know by August is wrong.  You need to know by the end of this conversation, or you're not going.
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