Hey everyone,
So, I've been lurking for... ever? Like, since crazy-mod Lucy and Eddie were around, back in the days of Stage and Linger.
I've seen you ladies give out some immense advice, and now I'm hoping you can do the same for me.
I'll list the info rather than writing it all out in the hopes it's a little easier to follow.
I live in the U.K.
FI lives in USA.
We've been together a little over 3y.
He has two (teen-ish) daughters.
I have a son (4yo).
We have a nearly 2yo daughter who lives with me.
My sons dad lives two hours away. He took me to court for custody (I moved away to live near my parents). He's ended up driving down to pick son up every other weekend, and back to drop him off.
OH lives (could be) walking distance (I guess it's like, across town) from his ex, and the kids go to either house 50%ish of the time.
OH has a good job.
After 9 years of 50 hour weeks, I ended up on benefits after maternity leave with our daughter and although I technically support myself, it's via government handout.
(I hate being a "benefit bum", but when I looked into going back to work, it turned out I'd lose more money in what they'd stop paying out than I'd earn. Basically, I can't afford to go back to work right now).
So, basically, we're just in one big mess here.
We're missing out on time together.
The kids are missing out on time together.
The paternal grandparent/granddaughter relationship is (great, but) being missed out on.
Our daughter is missing out on half of her family.
We fly back and forth whenever we can (3-4 times a year), but... it sucks.
Financially, it makes more sense for me to move to the US. (It's certainly where I plan to end up eventually).
However, that then means that the two young kids will lose the (pretty much daily) contact they're so used to with my parents (FIs mom lives ~6 hours away from him).
It also means my son is left in limbo. Do I send him to live with his dad and only see him holidays? (Uhm, nope, I fought to be his primary carer, and courts awarded me that, no way I'm "giving him up"). Do I go back to court to fight to move him overseas? (Not too convinced I'd win that).
So FI could move here.
And basically swap two teen daughters for a child (who he thinks of as a son) and a toddler daughter?
Along with giving up a well-paying, long-service job? (If it was just the job, he'd have been here yeas ago, it's just an additional point).
There's a road-block at every turn, where do you get off?
If you've read through that, thank you (and congratulations).
If you've any thoughts (I know advice is a bit too much to hope for and answers are out of the question, but, please post. Outside perspective could help.
Any questions I'll gladly try and answer.
I've been here long enough to know I can't tell people how to post, however. Please know that we are aware of the unfairness of the situation to the children (never mind ourselves). We know that having a baby and raising a child 4000 miles apart is less than ideal (for her and her siblings sake).
She wasn't planned. Protection is still not 100% effective.
I wouldn't change her coming, even if I could.
We have daily FaceTime, and all parties on both sides of the Atlantic have a good relationship with each other.
Thank you for reading.