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Father's Blessing

KnotYetTiedKnotYetTied member
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in Just Engaged and Proposals
My father and I are not close, and have never had a good relationship. I'm 26 years old, and my boyfriend and I are planning to get engaged (spring) and married (fall/winter) next year. My dad wants my boyfriend to ask him before proposing, but I think it's a ridiculous, antiquated and misogynistic tradition. I'm usually pretty conservative and don't mind traditional, but this tradition in particular rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure if my boyfriend is planning to ask my dad or not, but I don't want to give him my preference because it'll put him in a tough spot between doing something that would upset me or something that would upset his future father-in-law. We're also talking about eloping. My dad said we could keep whatever portion of the wedding budget that we don't use for the ceremony, and acted fine with it, but now he's upset that he wouldn't get to "give me away," which is another tradition I don't care for. 

Any ideas on how to let my father feel involved without actually involving him?
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Re: Father's Blessing

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    Knotyettied said:
    My father and I are not close, and have never had a good relationship. I'm 26 years old, and my boyfriend and I are planning to get engaged (spring) and married (fall/winter) next year. My dad wants my boyfriend to ask him before proposing, but I think it's a ridiculous, antiquated and misogynistic tradition. I'm usually pretty conservative and don't mind traditional, but this tradition in particular rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure if my boyfriend is planning to ask my dad or not, but I don't want to give him my preference because it'll put him in a tough spot between doing something that would upset me or something that would upset his future father-in-law. We're also talking about eloping. My dad said we could keep whatever portion of the wedding budget that we don't use for the ceremony, and acted fine with it, but now he's upset that he wouldn't get to "give me away," which is another tradition I don't care for. 

    Any ideas on how to let my father feel involved without actually involving him?
    Since your father and you are not close, why are you worried about involving him in your wedding?  I think eloping sounds like a very good option for you if that is what you both really want to do.  You are an adult.  Plan the wedding that you want. 
    I think you need to communicate to your boyfriend about your feelings.  You are not anybody's property, now or after you are married.  If you don't tell your boyfriend how you feel, he won't understand.  He is not a mind reader.
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  • drglitterdrglitter member
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    It's ok to have the proposal and wedding you and your FI want if you don't have a good relationship with your father. This might mean not accepting his money though.

    If people know you're getting married, when and where, etc, but no one is invited, you're not eloping, you're having a private wedding. Which is also fine.

    P.S. If you're already planning a wedding, you're engaged.

    Knotyettied said:
    My father and I are not close, and have never had a good relationship. I'm 26 years old, and my boyfriend and I are planning to get engaged (spring) and married (fall/winter) next year. My dad wants my boyfriend to ask him before proposing, but I think it's a ridiculous, antiquated and misogynistic tradition. I'm usually pretty conservative and don't mind traditional, but this tradition in particular rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure if my boyfriend is planning to ask my dad or not, but I don't want to give him my preference because it'll put him in a tough spot between doing something that would upset me or something that would upset his future father-in-law. We're also talking about eloping. My dad said we could keep whatever portion of the wedding budget that we don't use for the ceremony, and acted fine with it, but now he's upset that he wouldn't get to "give me away," which is another tradition I don't care for. 

    Any ideas on how to let my father feel involved without actually involving him?


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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    I felt the same way about my father. My H did talk to him/ask him and it still annoys me. I don't need anyone's permission to be married, I'm not his to "give away" etc. I wish he hadn't done it but it was important to both him and my father so whatever. In the long run it's not a huge thing I was going to get upset about. 

    As eloping or involving him, there are a lot of options. Maybe eloping is right for both you and you FI, maybe a small wedding and walking yourself down the aisle, or having your mother and father, or no parent dances. All these are acceptable choices if they are right for you. Don't let yourself be pressured by "tradition" if the don't feel right. 

    Also, I get the "not being close" but still not sure what the right "role" for a father is. My father and I are not close, but he's not ostracized or out of my life. 
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  • KnotYetTiedKnotYetTied member
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    Charlotte, thank you for understanding! It's a strange position, because my father is still a part of my life, even if we don't have a typical father/daughter relationship. It's difficult, because he has gotten better over the years, but it doesn't erase the father he was. Still, I have no desire to outright hurt him. However, this past weekend has given me more clarity. My boyfriend and I are long distance by about 3 hours. We spent all of the holidays together, and now having to go back to not seeing him for weeks at a time reminded me of how much I just want to be with him. Right now, I'm thinking I'd let just about anyone walk me down the aisle just to be married to the love of my life.
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  • KnotYetTiedKnotYetTied member
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    Not "planning" yet, per se. Just tossing ideas around, looking at rings, talking timelines, etc. I won't consider myself engaged until the engagement ring is on my finger and we've announced it. Until then, we're just dating.
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  • knottief49092cefae3eadfknottief49092cefae3eadf member
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    Our daughter's fiancé asked for my husband's blessing.  It was greatly appreciated as a sign of respect.  
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited June 2017



    KnotYetTied said:



    Not "planning" yet, per se. Just tossing ideas around, looking at rings, talking timelines, etc. I won't consider myself engaged until the engagement ring is on my finger and we've announced it. Until then, we're just dating.






    Many brides do not get engagement rings at all.  They are not required.  My sister doesn't have one.  My mother didn't have one when she was married to my father.  Most of my married female relatives do not have an engagement ring.  A simple wedding ring is just fine!

    If you two have decided that you will be getting married, then, yes, you are engaged.  If you get a ring at a later time, then that does not change your status.  It just means that you have a ring to show people.  It is the commitment that is important, not the ring.

    I do agree with you that asking a father's "permission" is outdated, as is being "given away".  I hope you have the wedding that you and your fiance really want to have.
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    CMGragain said:





    KnotYetTied said:




    Not "planning" yet, per se. Just tossing ideas around, looking at rings, talking timelines, etc. I won't consider myself engaged until the engagement ring is on my finger and we've announced it. Until then, we're just dating.








    Many brides do not get engagement rings at all.  They are not required.  My sister doesn't have one.  My mother didn't have one when she was married to my father.  Most of my married female relatives do not have an engagement ring.  A simple wedding ring is just fine!

    If you two have decided that you will be getting married, then, yes, you are engaged.  If you get a ring at a later time, then that does not change your status.  It just means that you have a ring to show people.  It is the commitment that is important, not the ring.

    I do agree with you that asking a father's "permission" is outdated, as is being "given away".  I hope you have the wedding that you and your fiance really want to have.


    I disagree. DH gave me a promise ring about 2 years into our relationship but that did not mean we were engaged even though we agreed that we wanted to get married in the future.
    Each couple is different and have different ideas of when they are engaged. DH and I threw around ideas about what kind of wedding we would want, same as we did/do about what kind of house we like, raising kids, taking vacation, etc., but that didn't mean we were actively planning. I didn't need a ring, and told DH that, but it was important to him to follow that tradition so to him (and that means me too) we weren't officially engaged until he asked me to marry him. 

    OP, family relationships are hard but you have to weigh your options and decide what consequences you are willing to deal with.
    Is your dad the type of guy to hold a grudge about your BF not asking his permission? Is your BF the type of guy who cares? Would having your dad have a poor opinion of your husband (bc of some bullshit tradition that isn't important to you) going to bother you? Is your dads money an influence in any of these decisions?
    These are just some questions to ask yourself and not anything I am expecting an answer to.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited June 2017
    The OP says she and her FI have talked about eloping, and that she has discussed money matters with her Dad.  That sounds engaged to me!
    OP says she won't consider herself engaged until she has a ring.  I protest!  What about all those engaged brides who won't get a ring?
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    CMGragain said:

    The OP says she and her FI have talked about eloping, and that she has discussed money matters with her Dad.  That sounds engaged to me!
    OP says she won't consider herself engaged until she has a ring.  I protest!  What about all those engaged brides who won't get a ring?


    Engaged people are engaged because they consider themselves engaged, regardless of ring status. This is not the same binary situation of being married, either are or are not. Lots of people know there is a proposal coming but would not consider themselves engaged until "officially" being asked, how ever that goes down. 
    OP also said she and he BF were just throwing around ideas. That does not sound like they are actively planning a wedding. If OP and her BF don't consider themselves engaged then they aren't.
    DH and I have talked about children but that does not mean we are TTC. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited June 2017
    I think that when two people decide that they are definitely going to get married and begin planning their lives accordingly, they are engaged, with or without a ring or a proposal.
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
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    How did this thread jump from January 3 to June 2 and no one called it a zombie?
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  • KnotYetTiedKnotYetTied member
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    edited June 2017
    Oh, CM. As I've said many times, it wasn't about the ring. My man wouldn't consider us engaged until he proposed (and he happened to do it with a ring). He's traditional. I didn't consider myself engaged until he did and we were public and had announced to everyone. 

    Anyway, I'm on Weddingbee now, but I thought I'd come back to update in a new thread, but then I saw this was still getting posts.

    I'm engaged!!!! He proposed almost a month ago. Since then time has flown and we've been busy. The venue, caterer, DJ, baker, florist, photographer, and videographer are booked. We chose our wedding song. I bought my dress, shoes, and undergarments. Our parents met and we're feeling prepared for October. He also found out he passed the PE, if anyone remembers my other threads. 

    He also did ask for my father's blessing, and I'm glad because my parents respect him for it. 
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    JediElizabeth said:

    How did this thread jump from January 3 to June 2 and no one called it a zombie?


    I wondered the same thing, but I would assume after @CMGragain got her hand slapped last week that she decided against it.
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