Second Weddings

How to tell my 10 yr. old the big news

We are eloping to Jamaica in October, just the two of us.  I am afraid my 10 year old daughter will be disappointed that she cannot be there.  Any suggestions on a) a fun way to tell her and b)something she can contribute to the ceremony without actually being there?  I know she will be happy about the marriage, but I'd like her to feel included.

Re: How to tell my 10 yr. old the big news

  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
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    I don't think you should try to make this a "fun" announcement at all!  Tell her privately that you and your FI are going to get married in Jamaica, and that you will have a party for family when you come back.  Let her be involved with the party planning.
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    OurWildKingdomDrillSergeantCatJediElizabethernursej
  • I think trying to make this "fun" might actually make it more of a letdown when you tell her she isn't going. Just be honest and then find a fun way to celebrate with her when you come back.
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    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875InLoveInQueensJen4948
  • kaos16kaos16
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
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    I think this is a really hard question, because 10 year olds have such varied personalities.  I would sit her down and explain that you and fiancé are going on vacation and get married.  Then ask her to help plan a dinner to celebrate with the two of you when you return, if that's something she might like to do.  Or maybe ask her if there is a certain gift she'd like you to bring back for her.
    SP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
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    edited June 6
    To be honest, I would not try to tell her in a "fun" way.

    I don't think there is any "fun" way to tell anyone of any age that they're not invited to anything that doesn't come off as "nya-nya."

    And if she's not invited to actually be there, she may not want to "contribute" at all. She also may have feelings of her own about you remarrying which aren't smiley-faced. 

    I would either invite her to join you or tell her in a straightforward manner in private. Maybe you and your FH can have some kind of private celebration together. But if she isn't in a good mood about your remarriage or leaving her out to begin with, trying to make the message "fun" will be counterproductive.
    OurWildKingdom
  • 00kim0000kim00
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
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    First, I would think carefully about whether you really want to exclude her from the wedding. The best way to help her feel included is to actually include her. Living in a stepfamily is hard, and from the research I did before getting married, having a preteen girl makes it even more difficult. Having her buy in and excited about the wedding and marriage, rather than starting off on a bad note with her feeling excluded, will benefit you all in the long run.

    That said, let's say you've considered that and decided this is the best way to start your stepfamily (or this next bit works even if she does come to the ceremony). Find a day after your wedding, but close to it, and designate it as your "family birthday". It's separate from your wedding day/anniversary, which you can keep to celebrate your couple relationship. On your family birthday, decide something fun and exciting to do together, have a great cake/dessert, get a family birthday present, and take time to celebrate coming together and becoming a family. It's a great way to make her feel important and included, while allowing you your wedding/anniversary to focus on your spouse. Make sure to get her input on what to do for the family birthday! 

    Oh, and I agree with PPs... There is no appropriate and "fun" way to tell your daughter that she is not welcome on one of the most important days of your life, and at one of the most life-changing events of her life. Tell her privately and compassionately, validate her feelings and be understanding when she is disappointed and upset
    InLoveInQueens
  • It's totally fine to elope. 100%. You do not have to invite anyone, including your children. 

    But I would not try to give her a consolation prize by telling her in some fun way and then asking her to contribute to something she's not invited to. It's just kind of rubbing it in that she's not invited. 

    If you want to make her feel included, why don't y'all go out to a special dinner as a family? Or arrange for her to do something fun with Grandma/Grandpa (or whoever is watching her while y'all are gone).
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    downtondivaSP29
  • dori_queendori_queen
    10 Comments
    member
    edited August 23
    southernbelle0915 I agree with you - have a nice dinner together, explaining the situation. kids are so smart! I liked the tips in this article for introducing a new partner in general 

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