Pseudo Bridal Party?

knottie05b87fa853ef0d16 · June 2017

Hi knotties! This is my first post about my tiny wedding. I apologize if someone has already posted about this, but I didn't see it anywhere!

I am in the early stages of planning (nothing booked yet) but I intend to have a private ceremony with only our parents, siblings, and siblings' SOs (about 10 people), followed by a larger casual reception with extended family and a few close friends (about 40-50).

Because our ceremony will be so small, we aren't having a bridal party, but I'd like our siblings to feel special, and to get some group photos. My plan would be to get boutonnieres and corsages for all our family, ask our oldest siblings to sign the marriage certificate, give the others the option to do a reading, and request a color palette for outfit choices.

My question is: how do I communicate all of this in a way that makes them feel honored and special rather than demoted? Does anyone have an idea of a cute way to ask them to participate, or another title we could give them that isn't as weighted as "bridesmaid"?

thank you!!

downtondiva · June 2017

I don't see any need to give them titles; including them at the ceremony and getting them the flowers is enough to show that you are honoring them and want to make them feel special.

As for the color palette thing, I'm not sure if this is really appropriate since they are not actually your bridal party. If you want to have wedding colors, there are plenty of other ways to do that without requiring your siblings to dress a certain way. I'm not sure if everyone would agree with me on this, but personally, I would not ask for anyone to wear a specific color unless they were officially in my wedding party.

Jen4948 · June 2017

downtondiva said:
As for the color palette thing, I'm not sure if this is really appropriate since they are not actually your bridal party. If you want to have wedding colors, there are plenty of other ways to do that without requiring your siblings to dress a certain way. I'm not sure if everyone would agree with me on this, but personally, I would not ask for anyone to wear a specific color unless they were officially in my wedding party.

I do agree with this. If you have no official wedding party, then you don't get to dictate anyone's attire but your own.

MobKaz · June 2017

annhog said:

Hi knotties! This is my first post about my tiny wedding. I apologize if someone has already posted about this, but I didn't see it anywhere!

I am in the early stages of planning (nothing booked yet) but I intend to have a private ceremony with only our parents, siblings, and siblings' SOs (about 10 people), followed by a larger casual reception with extended family and a few close friends (about 40-50).

Because our ceremony will be so small, we aren't having a bridal party, but I'd like our siblings to feel special, and to get some group photos. My plan would be to get boutonnieres and corsages for all our family, ask our oldest siblings to sign the marriage certificate, give the others the option to do a reading, and request a color palette for outfit choices.

My question is: how do I communicate all of this in a way that makes them feel honored and special rather than demoted? Does anyone have an idea of a cute way to ask them to participate, or another title we could give them that isn't as weighted as "bridesmaid"?

thank you!!

Being one of the few invited to witness your vows is special. Getting group photos is commonplace, regardless of size or formality of your wedding. Unless I am mistaken, you only need 1-2 signatures for witnesses. No one should or would feel "demoted", because no one should have any expectation of being asked to be in a wedding party.

Unless you have an official bridal party, it is never appropriate to ask/tell guests how to dress. You have chosen a small and intimate wedding for a reason. You need to accept that some of the more typical wedding "trappings" will not apply to you.

Is there a reason you have chosen not to include the others at your ceremony? Even with all in attendance, you certainly would still have an intimate wedding.

CMGragain · June 2017

annhog said:

Hi knotties! This is my first post about my tiny wedding. I apologize if someone has already posted about this, but I didn't see it anywhere!

I am in the early stages of planning (nothing booked yet) but I intend to have a private ceremony with only our parents, siblings, and siblings' SOs (about 10 people), followed by a larger casual reception with extended family and a few close friends (about 40-50).

Because our ceremony will be so small, we aren't having a bridal party, but I'd like our siblings to feel special, and to get some group photos. My plan would be to get boutonnieres and corsages for all our family, ask our oldest siblings to sign the marriage certificate, give the others the option to do a reading, and request a color palette for outfit choices.

My question is: how do I communicate all of this in a way that makes them feel honored and special rather than demoted? Does anyone have an idea of a cute way to ask them to participate, or another title we could give them that isn't as weighted as "bridesmaid"?

thank you!!

Everything about your plans is fine except for asking your guests to wear certain colors. They are not your bridesmaids, so you don't get to tell them what to wear. I'm sure the pictures will look fine!
Your invitations will be to your wedding reception, with a simple enclosure card for the family members who will witness your ceremony. We will be happy to help you with the wording.

Heffalump · June 2017

Photos are fine, flowers are fine, witnesses are fine, readings are fine. Telling people what color to wear is not fine. As long as you skip that part, you should be okay.

charlotte989875 · June 2017

knottie05b87fa853ef0d16 said:

Hi knotties! This is my first post about my tiny wedding. I apologize if someone has already posted about this, but I didn't see it anywhere!

I am in the early stages of planning (nothing booked yet) but I intend to have a private ceremony with only our parents, siblings, and siblings' SOs (about 10 people), followed by a larger casual reception with extended family and a few close friends (about 40-50).

Because our ceremony will be so small, we aren't having a bridal party, but I'd like our siblings to feel special, and to get some group photos. My plan would be to get boutonnieres and corsages for all our family, ask our oldest siblings to sign the marriage certificate, give the others the option to do a reading, and request a color palette for outfit choices.

My question is: how do I communicate all of this in a way that makes them feel honored and special rather than demoted? Does anyone have an idea of a cute way to ask them to participate, or another title we could give them that isn't as weighted as "bridesmaid"?

thank you!!

Invited guest to a private ceremony is a perfect title. As is reader. Really with such few guests in attendance that's all you need to do. I love the idea of corsages/boutonnières and pictures. That sounds lovely.

Definitely dont ask ask them to coordinate their outfits or wear a particular color pattern.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

No one will feel "demoted" if they were never promised a position to begin with. So don't worry about that. And all of your ideas to include them are very sweet. Except giving them attire guidelines. Definitely no to that - they are not attendants and should not have any restrictions on what to wear.

I would send an individual email (or say something in person if y'all are geographically close) to each person you're asking to do something.

"Hey (insert name) - as you know, we're planning a private ceremony for just mom and dad and us kids. We would be honored if you would sign the marriage license/do a reading. Would that be something you'd be willing to do? Love you, knottie#s"

Additionally.....
Private ceremonies with large receptions can be tricky. Your timing will be important. Your folks and your siblings need to be hosted immediately after the ceremony. If the party is on a different day, you should still take the ceremony attendants out for dinner or lunch after the ceremony to thank them for witnessing the ceremony. If it's on the same day, just ensure you don't have a long gap...I would plan for a cocktail hour with light refreshments while you take family photos and relax prior to the party.

JediElizabeth · June 2017

My sister wasn't a bridesmaid. I got her a corsage and made sure we had family photos taken. That was more than enough.

One of the perks of NOT being in a wedding party is not having to adhere to a palette for your attire. If definitely skip that.

knottie05b87fa853ef0d16 · June 2017

Thanks everyone! I don't disagree about the attire thing, it's a big part of why I wanted to post. But I have to say that I think "Please wear light colors" is no more imposing than "black tie". And that I think it's a little silly that I could use the word bridesmaid and force everyone to spend $200 on something they'll never wear again. Definitely not saying you all are wrong or that I won't take the advice, but I just find myself analyzing all things wedding related these days! Thank you again!

MyNameIsNot · June 2017

knottie05b87fa853ef0d16 said:

Thanks everyone! I don't disagree about the attire thing, it's a big part of why I wanted to post. But I have to say that I think "Please wear light colors" is no more imposing than "black tie". And that I think it's a little silly that I could use the word bridesmaid and force everyone to spend $200 on something they'll never wear again. Definitely not saying you all are wrong or that I won't take the advice, but I just find myself analyzing all things wedding related these days! Thank you again!

It is different. "Please wear light colors" is asking people to dress for your preference. Black tie refers to a type of event that includes a certain level of hosting. Attire is just one part of a black tie event.

Even if you did have them as bridesmaids, it wouldn't give you the right to force anyone to spend $200 on a dress they'll never wear again. If you did have bridesmaids, you'd ask them all privately for a budget, and then select attire within that budget. If you didn't want to be an asshole, you'd keep their preferences in mind, or let them pick their own styles, in hopes that they may choose something they could wear again.

SP29 · June 2017

MyNameIsNot said:

knottie05b87fa853ef0d16 said:

Thanks everyone! I don't disagree about the attire thing, it's a big part of why I wanted to post. But I have to say that I think "Please wear light colors" is no more imposing than "black tie". And that I think it's a little silly that I could use the word bridesmaid and force everyone to spend $200 on something they'll never wear again. Definitely not saying you all are wrong or that I won't take the advice, but I just find myself analyzing all things wedding related these days! Thank you again!

It is different. "Please wear light colors" is asking people to dress for your preference. Black tie refers to a type of event that includes a certain level of hosting. Attire is just one part of a black tie event.

Even if you did have them as bridesmaids, it wouldn't give you the right to force anyone to spend $200 on a dress they'll never wear again. If you did have bridesmaids, you'd ask them all privately for a budget, and then select attire within that budget. If you didn't want to be an asshole, you'd keep their preferences in mind, or let them pick their own styles, in hopes that they may choose something they could wear again.

Black tie also doesn't literally mean "wear black" (except that tuxedos are traditionally black). It refers to a style/hosting level of an event.

CMGragain · June 2017

knottie05b87fa853ef0d16 said:

Thanks everyone! I don't disagree about the attire thing, it's a big part of why I wanted to post. But I have to say that I think "Please wear light colors" is no more imposing than "black tie". And that I think it's a little silly that I could use the word bridesmaid and force everyone to spend $200 on something they'll never wear again. Definitely not saying you all are wrong or that I won't take the advice, but I just find myself analyzing all things wedding related these days! Thank you again!

You are comparing apples and oranges. "Black tie" describes the formality of an evening event, and tells the men that tuxedos are expected. It doesn't mean that only the wedding party will wear tuxedos. Very few weddings are black tie weddings.
Telling your guests what to wear is RUDE. It violates common etiquette. Please don't do this. I have known people to refuse invitations because they were insulted by a request like this one.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

Black tie is an event style. When it's written on an invitations, it's telling people the event is going to have things like valet, gloved hors d'oeuvres service, minimum 5 course meal, top shelf open bar, butlered coat check, live multi-piece band, and top notch everything. To events like that, people wear tuxes and evening gowns. But the point is, that the notation on invites is to give people a heads up that it's that formal.

"Light colors" is a dress code. Not an event style.

Adding the word "bridesmaid" doesn't give brides carte blanche to start demanding people spend money. That's the kind of attitude that spawned the term "bridezilla". If you have bridesmaids, you ask them each privately for their budget, then you go with the lowest one and choose from there. You don't just pick a $200 dress because "I'm the bride".

I'm assuming this "light colors" preference is for photos. Even if it weren't an etiquette issue, and this is probably just me, but whenever families are too coordinated for wedding photos it looks cheap. Like hiring a cheap photographer and telling everyone to wear "jeans and white" or something. You know?

lnixon8 · June 2017

Think about your favorite photos. They are probably not (like @southernbelle0915 mentioned) where everyone is coordinated and matching. Maybe its at a family picnic, maybe its at bar, just hanging at a friends house, maybe it Christmas morning. Your favorite photos should be ones that remind you of what a great time you're having, and they probably all are wearing something different.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2017

lnixon8 said:

Think about your favorite photos. They are probably not (like @southernbelle0915 mentioned) where everyone is coordinated and matching. Maybe its at a family picnic, maybe its at bar, just hanging at a friends house, maybe it Christmas morning. Your favorite photos should be ones that remind you of what a great time you're having, and they probably all are wearing something different.

My mom and SIL both coordinated with my colors. This was their own doing, I didn't ask them to. My SIL I think was a coincidence. I don't feel like it cheapens the photo at all and it's one of my favorites.

I will say, though, that whenever my ex's family tried to make us dress alike for photos I hated it.

lovesclimbing · June 2017

DrillSergeantCat said:

lnixon8 said:

Think about your favorite photos. They are probably not (like @southernbelle0915 mentioned) where everyone is coordinated and matching. Maybe its at a family picnic, maybe its at bar, just hanging at a friends house, maybe it Christmas morning. Your favorite photos should be ones that remind you of what a great time you're having, and they probably all are wearing something different.

My mom and SIL both coordinated with my colors. This was their own doing, I didn't ask them to. My SIL I think was a coincidence. I don't feel like it cheapens the photo at all and it's one of my favorites.

I will say, though, that whenever my ex's family tried to make us dress alike for photos I hated it.

I think in some circles, it's common to coordinate and wear the same color. H's entire family, of whom only his brother was in the wedding party, wore purple. Mom and sisters - purple dresses, dad and other bro - purple striped ties. My sisters were all in my WP. My dad wore the same tie as the groomsmen as did my brother and my mom wore a purple dress. I never told any of them what to wear.

There are also pictures of my parents' wedding with green as the main color where both mom's are wearing green dresses.

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