Bridesmaid not responding?

beachwedding2017 · June 2017

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so i sent these diy cards to "propose" to my bridesmaids and also to my mom to walk me down the aisle. My mom called me right away when she opened it(last Monday). I asked 5 ladies to be bridesmaids and I have yet to hear back from 1. I also enclosed a personalized, hand-written letter to each lady. Just saying how much their friendship means to me, reminiscing funny stories, etc. The 1 that didn't respond, I haven't heard a word. She's an upfront, straight-forward, says what's on her mind kind of chick. She lives 2.5 hours away from me, so it's not like I can I ask her to grab dinner and ask her about it. It is a destination wedding, so I know many guests won't come bc of not being able to afford it. But, she's been upfront with me in the past when I invited her to things and she couldn't afford it. I'm just disappointed and sad that I haven't heard anything and it will be a week tomorrow. Also, I know I sent it to the right address, bc I asked each lady individually for their address like 2 months ago.

lovesclimbing · June 2017

Maybe try calling her and ask? I haven't checked my mail in over a week.

ETA: and besides maybe she just hasn't checked her mail yet, there's a lot of other reasons why she may not have gotten it. Mail gets misdelivered all the time. Maybe it was put in the wrong box. At our last address, I had that happen frequently regardless of whether the address was correct. Maybe it got lost in the mail.

ei34 · June 2017

beachwedding2017 said:

so i sent these diy cards to "propose" to my bridesmaids and also to my mom to walk me down the aisle. My mom called me right away when she opened it(last Monday). I asked 5 ladies to be bridesmaids and I have yet to hear back from 1. I also enclosed a personalized, hand-written letter to each lady. Just saying how much their friendship means to me, reminiscing funny stories, etc. The 1 that didn't respond, I haven't heard a word. She's an upfront, straight-forward, says what's on her mind kind of chick. She lives 2.5 hours away from me, so it's not like I can I ask her to grab dinner and ask her about it. It is a destination wedding, so I know many guests won't come bc of not being able to afford it. But, she's been upfront with me in the past when I invited her to things and she couldn't afford it. I'm just disappointed and sad that I haven't heard anything and it will be a week tomorrow. Also, I know I sent it to the right address, bc I asked each lady individually for their address like 2 months ago.

Just call her and ask. She may not have received it. Or, for any number of reasons she may have declined but a whole bridesmaid proposal as opposed to just a simple call or text makes things more awkward; so even a straight forward person may not know what to say.

charlotte989875 · June 2017

I think your heart is in the right place, but this is why asking someone in person is usually a better bet than a "proposal". She may not have received it yet (the mail at our old place was SUPER slow and sometimes just wouldn't get delivered), she may be busy/hasn't checked it in a while, or working out her finances/schedule to see if she can go to a DW before giving you an answer. As everyone else said just call her up and ask her.

lyndausvi · June 2017

lovesclimbing said:

Maybe try calling her and ask? I haven't checked my mail in over a week.

ETA: and besides maybe she just hasn't checked her mail yet, there's a lot of other reasons why she may not have gotten it. Mail gets misdelivered all the time. Maybe it was put in the wrong box. At our last address, I had that happen frequently regardless of whether the address was correct. Maybe it got lost in the mail.

It's been about 10 days for me. The only reason I check the mail is if I ordered something. Which I haven't done lately. All my bills are emailed. Not much time sensitive things would be sent via the mail so I don't bother checking it everyday.

Not only that, when I sent out my wedding invitations I had quite a few get lost, delayed or even returned when I had the correct address. Things get delayed sometimes when you use the mail.

WinstonsGirl · June 2017

Ditto PP's. Could be lost in the mail, she hasn't checked it yet, etc. She could also be trying to sort out her life to see if she can attend or not work/finance wise before she gives you a definitive answer either way. Call her

CMGragain · June 2017

I know I'm old school on this, but I would be a bit put off by this
approach, and wonder why it wasn't important enough for you to ask me in
person.

holyguacamole79 · June 2017

CMGragain said: by

I know I'm old school on this, but I would be a bit put off by this

approach, and wonder why it wasn't important enough for you to ask me in

person.

Ditto

ILoveBeachMusic · June 2017

I agree with PPs that a week isn't that long of a time - she might not have received the note yet.

Also while I don't agree that you have to ask in person (distance often makes that impractical), I would have preferred a phone call. I called all my bridesmaids because I wouldn't see them for several months.

levioosa · June 2017

I think you are overreacting a bit. To lurkers, this is one reason we suggest asking someone in person; it eliminates any ambiguity about whether or not they have received your invitation to be a member of the BP. Call her up and ask her directly. A lot of things might have happened--it might have gotten lost in the mail, she hasn't checked her mail yet, etc. I personally haven't checked my mail for...maybe 14 days? I rarely get anything important.

Also keep this in mind for when you mail out invitations. Things happen to mail. If people don't rsvp by the date, call them up and ask them if they received the invitation. We've had many knotties who have had invitations disappear in the mail.

knottie72d6b636c9389057 · June 2017

What's done is done is this case, but I'm with the 2 posters who would be put off by this. When did BM "proposals" even start? Yuck! I'm sure in your case, she hasn't got it. Give her a ring. No reason for hurt feelings-yet!

kahluakoala · June 2017

I don't think a nice mailed note with a heartfelt letter is akin to an elaborate proposal, and I do think it would be ridiculous to drive 5 hours round trip to ask in person, but I agree wit the advice to just call her. She could be thinking about it before she responds, she could have gotten it late or not at all, or she could be ignoring you. You won't know until you call.

banana468 · June 2017

I'd just pick up the phone. I think the bridesmaid proposal via mail could also be construed as slightly impersonal since it wasn't done with your voice. I get what you were trying to do but please understand that if it wasn't received well, perhaps she's the type to prefer a phone call.

Jen4948 · June 2017

I'd call her and ask.

If I were asked to be a bridesmaid through a "proposal" or, for that matter, any means other than a simple and direct question along the lines of "I would be very honored to have you as my bridesmaid. Would you be willing?" I would feel uncomfortable, especially if it was by mail, electronic means, or some indirect way.

While it's nice of you to want to "honor" your bridal party by asking them in a "special" way, it can also be counterproductive, because it puts additional pressure on them to agree to do it and harder to say no if they can't.

LD1970 · June 2017

Call her. I don't trust the USPS. I once sent a mass card to my friend's family when his great grandmother died... the card was going from Brooklyn to Queens, was addressed correctly, and showed up two months later, looking like it had been run over by a fleet of trucks.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

So this person is close enough to you to be in your wedding, but you can't just call her and ask if she got your note in the mail?

Grow up, get your face out of your screen, and pick up the phone.

beachwedding2017 · June 2017

Thanks all! I appreciate getting different points of view! My point of view is this way is more thoughtful (than a phone call) It took me hours to make these and also took a lot of time to figure out which funny stories to write about.

Full discloser: I was asked to be a bridesmaid in the mail in this manner, and I thought it was a really neat way. I was so excited that I texted the bride right away when I opened (didn't call bc I knew she was at work)

Maybe I do need to chill lol. But the other ladies sound very excited and are asking about all the details-dress, hair,shoes etc

In person was just too hard with our schedules. Plus she is hours away from me. Yes you can have close friendships with those who live far away, or even if you don't see each other often. I'll give it a few days and call her

banana468 · June 2017

I think you just need to pick up the phone. You never know if she just hasn't looked at mail, didn't get it or wonders why you didn't call.

FWIW, I don't think what you did was bad. I can just understand if she would have preferred something different.

levioosa · June 2017

beachwedding2017 said:

Thanks all! I appreciate getting different points of view! My point of view is this way is more thoughtful (than a phone call) It took me hours to make these and also took a lot of time to figure out which funny stories to write about.

Full discloser: I was asked to be a bridesmaid in the mail in this manner, and I thought it was a really neat way. I was so excited that I texted the bride right away when I opened (didn't call bc I knew she was at work)

Maybe I do need to chill lol. But the other ladies sound very excited and are asking about all the details-dress, hair,shoes etc

In person was just too hard with our schedules. Plus she is hours away from me. Yes you can have close friendships with those who live far away, or even if you don't see each other often. I'll give it a few days and call her

I just want to add--to the bolded, please do not use that as a metric of how excited your friends are. People can still look forward to being in the wedding without squeeing over hair and makeup details.

My bff lives over two thousand miles away. We don't see each other or talk often, but we call each other when it's important or when we just need a bff chat.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2017

I don't think it was wrong that you sent this to your friend, but I think I'd have sent it priority mail or via UPS so that I knew when it arrived. Or, I'd have called ahead of time and said, "I mailed you a package, please call me before you open it." It does seem impersonal asking through mail. Now go call her.

MandyMost · June 2017

What's done is done, but a bridesmaid is a position of honor, it's not an assistant to the bride. so I'd be a little put off with the "Will you help me tie the know" wording.

Also, I'll sqeeee over hair and dresses and what not even if I'm not actually excited, just because it's often the polite thing to do. Keep in mind to pick a dress within the budgets of the bridesmaids after you've privately asked for their budgets, and that if you require ANYTHING else from them you should pay for it (hair, shoes, makeup, etc.). And they're also not obligated to attend any pre-wedding events, or throw any pre-wedding events. That's all voluntary--make sure they know that.

beachwedding2017 · June 2017

She texted me yesterday, so all is good. Right, I know people can be fake in excitement. I was just saying not hearing from 1 was kinda holding back from figuring out plans. Yes I'm not having a bridal shower and the jury is still out on having a bachelorette party. I dressed up 1 Halloween(when I was single lol,)as a bachelorette so I feel like I already had that experience lol.

I know some people commented why not just call. FWIW calling is really out of character for me. I work 11 hour days on the phone. For close to a decade. Calling someone is usually the last thing I want to do when I get out of work and days off. Everyone knows I prefer texting and obviously can't talk while at work. Honestly when someone calls me, unless it's my off day, we usually end up playing phone tag. So @southernbelle0915 this is not something like oh I'm lazy and hide behind electronics.

levioosa · June 2017

beachwedding2017 said:

She texted me yesterday, so all is good. Right, I know people can be fake in excitement. I was just saying not hearing from 1 was kinda holding back from figuring out plans. Yes I'm not having a bridal shower and the jury is still out on having a bachelorette party. I dressed up 1 Halloween(when I was single lol,)as a bachelorette so I feel like I already had that experience lol.

I know some people commented why not just call. FWIW calling is really out of character for me. I work 11 hour days on the phone. For close to a decade. Calling someone is usually the last thing I want to do when I get out of work and days off. Everyone knows I prefer texting and obviously can't talk while at work. Honestly when someone calls me, unless it's my off day, we usually end up playing phone tag. So @southernbelle0915 this is not something like oh I'm lazy and hide behind electronics.

I mean, I get it. I rarely call people other than my mom (speak to text is definitely not her friend). However, I call people when it's needed. This would have been one of those times. And I say that as an introvert who has to talk to people for 13 hours straight. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and call. That's life. It doesn't matter if you're "more comfortable texting." Sometimes life requires actual phone calls.

Eta: tk is frustrating me with their auto-refreshes on Mobile.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

beachwedding2017 said:

I know some people commented why not just call. FWIW calling is really out of character for me. I work 11 hour days on the phone. For close to a decade. Calling someone is usually the last thing I want to do when I get out of work and days off. Everyone knows I prefer texting and obviously can't talk while at work. Honestly when someone calls me, unless it's my off day, we usually end up playing phone tag. So @southernbelle0915 this is not something like oh I'm lazy and hide behind electronics.

But this is you asking your best friends to stand up at arguable the most important event of your life. I'm sure you make phone calls for important things, right? This would be one of them.

You took the time to start a thread on TK, respond to it, read everyone's responses, etc. Tally up that time and you could have connected with your friend with a quick call and got your concerns taken care of.

Either way, I'm glad it worked out.

Bridesmaid not responding?

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