PSA: Thinking of getting married before your DW?

ahoywedding · June 2017

So my sister is having a DW in a couple weeks. All along, she & her FI told us they were heading down a few days early to meet the requirements to get married in Mexico. Well. I got a text from my mom this weekend with a picture of their legal ceremony in a park near where they live. My parents said they didn't know it was happening either, until a friend of my sister's told them.

I am...way more hurt than I thought I'd be. My sister never seemed like the type who wanted the big fancy white wedding, and the small ceremony in the park seemed much more "them." I feel really cheated now having to spend a bunch of money to travel to a place I wouldn't choose, and having to participate in a mock ceremony. I know an invitation is not a summons, but it's my sister so I'm not going to NOT go. I never thought I would be the person who was upset about something like this, and I'm usually pretty understanding.

If anyone lurking or new is considering the same thing...your guests may not tell you how they're feeling. They might even still come and have fun. They maybe don't even know it would bother them to put all of that time and money into not seeing you legally get married. Do you really want to start your lives together deceiving your friends & family?

OwningAHome1981 · June 2017

ahoywedding said:

So my sister is having a DW in a couple weeks. All along, she & her FI told us they were heading down a few days early to meet the requirements to get married in Mexico. Well. I got a text from my mom this weekend with a picture of their legal ceremony in a park near where they live. My parents said they didn't know it was happening either, until a friend of my sister's told them.

I am...way more hurt than I thought I'd be. My sister never seemed like the type who wanted the big fancy white wedding, and the small ceremony in the park seemed much more "them." I feel really cheated now having to spend a bunch of money to travel to a place I wouldn't choose, and having to participate in a mock ceremony. I know an invitation is not a summons, but it's my sister so I'm not going to NOT go. I never thought I would be the person who was upset about something like this, and I'm usually pretty understanding.

If anyone lurking or new is considering the same thing...your guests may not tell you how they're feeling. They might even still come and have fun. They maybe don't even know it would bother them to put all of that time and money into not seeing you legally get married. Do you really want to start your lives together deceiving your friends & family?

I agree. I personally would not be offended or angry but I could def see how others could. I love traveling and I'll go anywhere and I have a large list of places I want to see so to me I would just look @ it as an opportunity to go on another vacation.

geebee908 · June 2017

Does your sister know that you know? It has to hurt also that they didn't tell their family and your mother had to find out from one of your sister's friends.

ahoywedding · June 2017

OwningAHome1981 said:

ahoywedding said:

So my sister is having a DW in a couple weeks. All along, she & her FI told us they were heading down a few days early to meet the requirements to get married in Mexico. Well. I got a text from my mom this weekend with a picture of their legal ceremony in a park near where they live. My parents said they didn't know it was happening either, until a friend of my sister's told them.

I am...way more hurt than I thought I'd be. My sister never seemed like the type who wanted the big fancy white wedding, and the small ceremony in the park seemed much more "them." I feel really cheated now having to spend a bunch of money to travel to a place I wouldn't choose, and having to participate in a mock ceremony. I know an invitation is not a summons, but it's my sister so I'm not going to NOT go. I never thought I would be the person who was upset about something like this, and I'm usually pretty understanding.

If anyone lurking or new is considering the same thing...your guests may not tell you how they're feeling. They might even still come and have fun. They maybe don't even know it would bother them to put all of that time and money into not seeing you legally get married. Do you really want to start your lives together deceiving your friends & family?

I agree. I personally would not be offended or angry but I could def see how others could. I love traveling and I'll go anywhere and I have a large list of places I want to see so to me I would just look @ it as an opportunity to go on another vacation.

Yeah, I love traveling and have the vacation time. However, we're staying at an all-inclusive (which I don't like at all and she knows), it's a location I wouldn't have chosen for myself (already been there), and it's WAY more expensive per day than I've EVER spent on a vacation, and I've done some pretty awesome trips. If it was going to be for her actual wedding, I was going to suck it up because she's my sister, but now it's like she decided on a vacation for me that I don't really want. I would rather use that vacation money to go somewhere else.

ahoywedding · June 2017

geebee908 said:

Does your sister know that you know? It has to hurt also that they didn't tell their family and your mother had to find out from one of your sister's friends.

Well she didn't say anything to myself or our other sister, but she posted it on Facebook and I commented on that soooo I guess she knows I know? And they obviously weren't trying to keep anything under wraps. I haven't contacted her because I didn't want to say anything too harsh, and I was out of town when I initially found out.

MobKaz · June 2017

ahoywedding said:

geebee908 said:

Does your sister know that you know? It has to hurt also that they didn't tell their family and your mother had to find out from one of your sister's friends.

Well she didn't say anything to myself or our other sister, but she posted it on Facebook and I commented on that soooo I guess she knows I know? And they obviously weren't trying to keep anything under wraps. I haven't contacted her because I didn't want to say anything too harsh, and I was out of town when I initially found out.

Wow. I would not be able to keep quiet.

There is much to be "read between the lines" here from an objective POV. Did sister deliberately post this on FB versus making a personal announcement to test the waters and see how family would react? Was she lying to family the entire time? Again, from an outside POV, this seems incredibly deliberate and hurtful. I would be upset that she married/eloped? Was anyone else present? If she included anyone, I would be even more upset.

This is not something I could ignore. I would feel incredibly duped, particularly if I had been involved in hosting showers or other pre-wedding events. Do you know whether she will even continue with the facade on this no-longer-a-DW trip? God love you. This is absolutely NOT something I would handle gracefully.

ahoywedding · June 2017

MobKaz said:

ahoywedding said:

geebee908 said:

Does your sister know that you know? It has to hurt also that they didn't tell their family and your mother had to find out from one of your sister's friends.

Well she didn't say anything to myself or our other sister, but she posted it on Facebook and I commented on that soooo I guess she knows I know? And they obviously weren't trying to keep anything under wraps. I haven't contacted her because I didn't want to say anything too harsh, and I was out of town when I initially found out.

Wow. I would not be able to keep quiet.

There is much to be "read between the lines" here from an objective POV. Did sister deliberately post this on FB versus making a personal announcement to test the waters and see how family would react? Was she lying to family the entire time? Again, from an outside POV, this seems incredibly deliberate and hurtful. I would be upset that she married/eloped? Was anyone else present? If she included anyone, I would be even more upset.

This is not something I could ignore. I would feel incredibly duped, particularly if I had been involved in hosting showers or other pre-wedding events. Do you know whether she will even continue with the facade on this no-longer-a-DW trip? God love you. This is absolutely NOT something I would handle gracefully.

I don't know if she ever planned to tell our parents or not, but only immediate family was invited to the DW, so our extended family probably didn't care either way. The place they got married was a 5 mile hike into their favorite state park, which looked amazing but also probably was not a spur of the moment decision. They did have friends there, which also contributed to me being upset. And yes, they're still going through with the charade wedding at the DW...and I'm in the "wedding" yippee!

MobKaz · June 2017

ahoywedding said:

MobKaz said:

ahoywedding said:

geebee908 said:

Does your sister know that you know? It has to hurt also that they didn't tell their family and your mother had to find out from one of your sister's friends.

Well she didn't say anything to myself or our other sister, but she posted it on Facebook and I commented on that soooo I guess she knows I know? And they obviously weren't trying to keep anything under wraps. I haven't contacted her because I didn't want to say anything too harsh, and I was out of town when I initially found out.

Wow. I would not be able to keep quiet.

There is much to be "read between the lines" here from an objective POV. Did sister deliberately post this on FB versus making a personal announcement to test the waters and see how family would react? Was she lying to family the entire time? Again, from an outside POV, this seems incredibly deliberate and hurtful. I would be upset that she married/eloped? Was anyone else present? If she included anyone, I would be even more upset.

This is not something I could ignore. I would feel incredibly duped, particularly if I had been involved in hosting showers or other pre-wedding events. Do you know whether she will even continue with the facade on this no-longer-a-DW trip? God love you. This is absolutely NOT something I would handle gracefully.

I don't know if she ever planned to tell our parents or not, but only immediate family was invited to the DW, so our extended family probably didn't care either way. The place they got married was a 5 mile hike into their favorite state park, which looked amazing but also probably was not a spur of the moment decision. They did have friends there, which also contributed to me being upset. And yes, they're still going through with the charade wedding at the DW...and I'm in the "wedding" yippee!

That would be my deal breaker, right there. Hands down. Slap in the face. BS. Does she really expect anyone to take this vacation seriously? I would be hard pressed to offer congratulations from her actual wedding, let alone the Tour de Faux. Clearly I have earned my OMH designation!

@ahoywedding, I applaud your grace.

Knottiea1db6dce7442e53f · June 2017

I think it's selfish to be upset. The legal/courthouse piece of it is truly what makes the marriage official, but to some it is nothing more than signing a piece of paper. The symbolic ceremony is what means more to the couple.

redoryx · June 2017

Knottiea1db6dce7442e53f said:

I think it's selfish to be upset. The legal/courthouse piece of it is truly what makes the marriage official, but to some it is nothing more than signing a piece of paper. The symbolic ceremony is what means more to the couple.

Wrong answer.

sparklepants41 · June 2017

Knottiea1db6dce7442e53f said:

I think it's selfish to be upset. The legal/courthouse piece of it is truly what makes the marriage official, but to some it is nothing more than signing a piece of paper. The symbolic ceremony is what means more to the couple.

Wow. Considering up until recently the "nothing more than signing a piece of paper" wasn't even an option for everyone in the US, your statement is just rude.

ahoywedding · June 2017

sparklepants41 said:

Knottiea1db6dce7442e53f said:

I think it's selfish to be upset. The legal/courthouse piece of it is truly what makes the marriage official, but to some it is nothing more than signing a piece of paper. The symbolic ceremony is what means more to the couple.

Wow. Considering up until recently the "nothing more than signing a piece of paper" wasn't even an option for everyone in the US, your statement is just rude.

My sister is marrying a woman, so yes the "sign a piece of paper" wasn't an option for them until fairly recently. In that light, I think it's even more upsetting we weren't there to witness her ceremony.

MobKaz · June 2017

Knottiea1db6dce7442e53f said:

I think it's selfish to be upset. The legal/courthouse piece of it is truly what makes the marriage official, but to some it is nothing more than signing a piece of paper. The symbolic ceremony is what means more to the couple.

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/270/530/0ca.jpg

Heffalump · June 2017

Knottiea1db6dce7442e53f said:

I think it's selfish to be upset. The legal/courthouse piece of it is truly what makes the marriage official, but to some it is nothing more than signing a piece of paper. The symbolic ceremony is what means more to the couple.

So...I don't agree with you on "nothing more than signing a piece of paper." But even if I did, isn't your whole point that different people can feel differently about it? If the OP is feeling hurt and disappointed, I don't see how your telling her "But some people don't care" is going to help her in the slightest.

thisismynickname2 · June 2017

Um.,.. the friends got to witness the actual legal, literally life-changing event of "getting married" and the family gets to spend thousands of dollars for a vacation they don't even want for a "symbolic event."
Fuck. That. Noise.

I'm sorry OP, I'd be livid.

kwiksilver · June 2017

thisismynickname said:

Um.,.. the friends got to witness the actual legal, literally life-changing event of "getting married" and the family gets to spend thousands of dollars for a vacation they don't even want for a "symbolic event."
Fuck. That. Noise.

I'm sorry OP, I'd be livid.

Absolutely this. I know it's your sister and you're still going to go, but I don't know if I would be able to. I mean I get that maybe there are no refunds on some or all of the things you've booked. I would just be so hurt and furious and I would probably blast her, if it was me.

I'm so so sorry. I hope lurkers take note. You're just going to upset a whole lot of people if you do this sort of thing.

CMGragain · June 2017

@ahoywedding, I am so very sorry that your sister decided to do such a selfish, thoughtless thing. You have my complete sympathy.
I considered eloping, but decided to go through with our planned ceremony. If we had eloped, we would have immediately contacted all our guests PERSONALLY, apologized, and offered to reimburse them for any expenses.

missfrodo · June 2017

Are your resort and flight payments refundable? I'd be sorely tempted to send your sister and her wife a congratulations card along with your regrets that "something came up" and you're no longer able to attend their party in Mexico. It's one thing to elope and have your family spend thousands on a PPD, but another to invite your FRIENDS to your small wedding and not even bother to tell your family. I hope they're happy with each other, because they sure as hell pissed off both their families in doing this.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

What the fuck? So they invited their friends to their actual wedding - NOT their family? And they lied to everyone, asking them to spend thousands of dollars to go to Mexico for what they said was a wedding?

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I would do as @missfrodo said (if you can) and have "something come up". Personally, I would still send a gift (obviously you don't have to).

OurWildKingdom · June 2017

Knottiea1db6dce7442e53f said:

I think it's selfish to be upset. The legal/courthouse piece of it is truly what makes the marriage official, but to some it is nothing more than signing a piece of paper. The symbolic ceremony is what means more to the couple.

I'm not going to say anything else, because I'd violate TOS doing that, and I like this place way too much to let myself get banned.

@ahoywedding, your sister is the one being selfish, not you. You have way more class and tact than I would under the circumstances. I love my brother, but if he had pulled a stunt like that, I wouldn't speak to him for a very long time. They'd be lucky to get a metal chicken from you.

ETA: Even if @ahoywedding were in the wrong (she's not, she's absolutely right), telling people they're selfish for feeling a certain way is not OK. You need to apologize.

ahoywedding · June 2017

Thanks for the support everyone! I did buy the "cancel for any reason" insurance and thought about cancelling for a hot minute, but I'm sharing a room with my other sister and it would put her in a bad spot if I backed out. Plus it's likely I won't see that sister until sometime in the fall, so I'd hate to miss that opportunity. I still haven't said anything to the sister who got married, but I think I might wait until I can say something in person.

I talked to my mom about it last night and she said maybe she's more comfortable around her friends than us, which I guess could be true. I still feel like does doesn't quite want us to be part of her life though, which is the crappy part.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2017

Knottiea1db6dce7442e53f said:

I think it's selfish to be upset. The legal/courthouse piece of it is truly what makes the marriage official, but to some it is nothing more than signing a piece of paper. The symbolic ceremony is what means more to the couple.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2017

ahoywedding said:

Thanks for the support everyone! I did buy the "cancel for any reason" insurance and thought about cancelling for a hot minute, but I'm sharing a room with my other sister and it would put her in a bad spot if I backed out. Plus it's likely I won't see that sister until sometime in the fall, so I'd hate to miss that opportunity. I still haven't said anything to the sister who got married, but I think I might wait until I can say something in person.

I talked to my mom about it last night and she said maybe she's more comfortable around her friends than us, which I guess could be true. I still feel like does doesn't quite want us to be part of her life though, which is the crappy part.

Does the sister you were sharing a room with know? What does she think?

Even if your sister is more comfortable around her friends, why the need for the DW?

ahoywedding · June 2017

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Thanks for the support everyone! I did buy the "cancel for any reason" insurance and thought about cancelling for a hot minute, but I'm sharing a room with my other sister and it would put her in a bad spot if I backed out. Plus it's likely I won't see that sister until sometime in the fall, so I'd hate to miss that opportunity. I still haven't said anything to the sister who got married, but I think I might wait until I can say something in person.

I talked to my mom about it last night and she said maybe she's more comfortable around her friends than us, which I guess could be true. I still feel like does doesn't quite want us to be part of her life though, which is the crappy part.

Does the sister you were sharing a room with know? What does she think?

Even if your sister is more comfortable around her friends, why the need for the DW?

Yes, my other sister knows (mom sent a group text over the weekend). She's feeling the same way as I am, but didn't get travel insurance so her only option pretty much is to go or lose the money (that she didn't have in the first place).

flantastic · June 2017

ahoywedding said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Thanks for the support everyone! I did buy the "cancel for any reason" insurance and thought about cancelling for a hot minute, but I'm sharing a room with my other sister and it would put her in a bad spot if I backed out. Plus it's likely I won't see that sister until sometime in the fall, so I'd hate to miss that opportunity. I still haven't said anything to the sister who got married, but I think I might wait until I can say something in person.

I talked to my mom about it last night and she said maybe she's more comfortable around her friends than us, which I guess could be true. I still feel like does doesn't quite want us to be part of her life though, which is the crappy part.

Does the sister you were sharing a room with know? What does she think?

Even if your sister is more comfortable around her friends, why the need for the DW?

Yes, my other sister knows (mom sent a group text over the weekend). She's feeling the same way as I am, but didn't get travel insurance so her only option pretty much is to go or lose the money (that she didn't have in the first place).

Yeah, that is some bullshit.

Sounds like there will be a lot of joyful people in those must-have beautiful beach pictures.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2017

flantastic said:

Yeah, that is some bullshit.

Sounds like there will be a lot of joyful people in those must-have beautiful beach pictures.

I don't think I'd attend the ceremony. I'd be on an excursion that day.

redoryx · June 2017

DrillSergeantCat said:

flantastic said:

Yeah, that is some bullshit.

Sounds like there will be a lot of joyful people in those must-have beautiful beach pictures.

I don't think I'd attend the ceremony. I'd be on an excursion that day.

This. Treat this like a vacation rather than a destination "wedding" and go do something else.

OurWildKingdom · June 2017

Wait, doesn't your new SIL have health problems that would make flying difficult?

That bodes well for that marriage.

ahoywedding · June 2017

OurWildKingdom said:

Wait, doesn't your new SIL have health problems that would make flying difficult?

That bodes well for that marriage.

YES that's another issue! The whole situation is full of red flags. I really want to be happy for my sister but jeez Louise is she making it difficult.

kahluakoala · June 2017

I don't get this. I'm about as PPD lite as they come on this site, but if it's just a "piece of paper", then treat it like a piece of paper. If you have a whole special ceremony, then clearly that's not what it means to you.

And a DW on top of it...oh boy, what a mess.

ahoywedding · June 2017

KahluaKoala said:

I don't get this. I'm about as PPD lite as they come on this site, but if it's just a "piece of paper", then treat it like a piece of paper. If you have a whole special ceremony, then clearly that's not what it means to you.

And a DW on top of it...oh boy, what a mess.

The wedding is in a couple weeks, I'll report back on how it goes!

PSA: Thinking of getting married before your DW?

Re: PSA: Thinking of getting married before your DW?

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