Only you know if you need the oats before settling down.

mrsconn23 · June 2017

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. We are very much in love and have been talking about getting married. He is the kindest and most genuine person I know. However, my one hesitation is that once I’m married, I won’t be able to have sexual experiences with other people. It’s not that he doesn’t satisfy me (he’s very good, and we’re great at communicating about sex and trying new things), it’s just that I’ve only had one other sexual partner, and I still want to explore. I’m bisexual, and would like to have the chance to have sex with a girl at some point. The thing is, I don’t think I’m polyamorous, and I know if he wanted to have sex with someone else I’d be insanely jealous! So I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to let me have sex with other people. Perhaps it’s our slight age difference (I’m 21 and he’s 26, and has had more sexual partners than me). What are your thoughts?

—No Wild Oats

DrillSergeantCat · June 2017

Threesome?

OliveOilsMom · June 2017

I think the LWs age is a big factor here. I'm glad she acknowledges that part. I also think LW needs to speak with her BF about this. She should explain everything she wrote in the letter. I think LW should continue on in her relationship and not talk about marriage. I think that is what is giving her these doubts. With some age, wisdom, and life experience - she may find on her own she has no desires for anyone other than her BF. At that time, they should consider marriage. But LW may also find that she wants more than BF can offer, which is ok, but she shouldn't settle down until she is more confident in her decision.

mrsconn23 · June 2017

I think at 21, if you're questioning whether or not there's more life left to live beyond your relationship, you should explore those feelings. You will never get that time in your life back (true for any time period, but it especially resonates for me since my early 20's were over a decade ago).

short+sassy · June 2017

I was in a similar situation, though even a few years younger than her. I started dating this great guy when I was 18. At the time, I was in jr. college and I was always honest that, when I went away to finish my degree at a 4-year college, I'd want to have an open relationship. For exactly the LW's reasons. I wanted to experience life and dating a variety of other people before settling down.

At first that was okay with him. But, as things got more serious, he started talking about our future and marriage. We were very much in love and I could have seen marrying him someday, but I didn't change my mind about the open relationship. I knew myself and knew, if I just went down the rosy path of dating the same guy I met at 18...all through college...then got married after we graduated, I would have regrets and always "wonder".

Needless to say, my attitude eventually broke us up for good. My life would have been VERY different if I hadn't been adamant about sowing my wild oats. I think the path I chose turned out WAY better. But really, I guess there is no way to say for sure.

The path not chosen.

It's a tough decision the LW has to make. Believe you me, I know, lol. But only she can make it.

charlotte989875 · June 2017

You can love someone and still want other experiences. But if not exploring these feelings will leave you with regrets (or worse negative feelings toward the BF) it's time to talk to him about those feelings now.

ETA: I've only had two sexual partners. I did the long term monogamous relationship thing for a long time. I don't regret it but there are times where I've wished I hadn't been so conservative about sex. I don't want other experiences now but looking back I wish I had been a little more adventurous.

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

charlotte989875 said:

You can love someone and still want other experiences. But if not exploring these feelings will leave you with regrets (or worse negative feelings toward the BF) it's time to talk to him about those feelings now.

ETA: I've only had two sexual partners. I did the long term monogamous relationship thing for a long time. I don't regret it but there are times where I've wished I hadn't been so conservative about sex. I don't want other experiences now but looking back I wish I had been a little more adventurous.

This!

There's a 2yr 10 month age gap between M and I {I'm older} and for awhile in our early relationship, I was concerned he felt 'tied down'
I was never one for 'dating around' {or dating in general} so I was cool with long-term relationship stuff.

Knowing the age gap, I tended to bring it up in conversation often. He's fine with what we had/have.
Tbh after 6 1/2 yrs together, I still ask him if I tied him down too quick. He swears if he had/has an issue he would tell me.

LW needs the conversation with BF - maybe there's something that could be figured out.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

Have the conversation. If it goes south and y'all break up, then you get your experiences.

Heffalump · June 2017

I think that there are people who are ready to get married and settle down at 21. I don't think the LW sounds like one of those people. Honestly, she sounds like she's trying to hedge her bets. Maybe her BF will be okay with that...but maybe not. If it were me, I'd do the whole "It's not you, it's me" and then go have more of those life experiences she's looking for.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2017

I got married the first time at 19. I was not done exploring. He had no interest in exploring. Not a good combo.

OurWildKingdom · June 2017

FW and I know a few people who are polyamorous or otherwise non-monogamous, and they all say that a certain amount of jealousy is normal, but that clear communication is key to working through jealousy. They also say that you have to be very secure in your relationship before you even think about adding more people.

ei34 · June 2017

LW should tell her boyfriend how she's feeling. In my circle, 26 for a guy is a touch young to be talking about marriage anyway- maybe the bf feels the same way? Although LW wouldn't like that, since she said she'd be "insanely jealous" if bf wanted to sleep with someone else. 21 or not, she owes it to herself to experience what she wants to before she's married.

STARMOON44 · June 2017

I think she should just break up with him tbh. She's not ready for the commitment he wants, and that's totally fine.

Only you know if you need the oats before settling down.

Re: Only you know if you need the oats before settling down.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards