I don't understand people who do this kind of stuff.

mrsconn23 · June 2017

Dear Prudence,
My husband’s father died just before we got married, 17 years ago. He had been married to a woman with three daughters of her own, and the two had just had another baby girl at the time of his death. My husband and his brothers had a contentious relationship with their stepmother and stepsisters, and cut them out of their lives entirely after their father’s estate was settled. I have never forgotten my husband’s half-sister, that little girl, and it’s always bothered me that he walked away from her as well as his stepfamily. He didn’t consider it worth having a relationship with them in order to remain close to her.

Over the years I’ve often thought of her and tried to find out more about her—if she looks like her brothers, how she’s doing. I don’t know if her brothers care at all that she exists. Today I found her on Facebook through her mother’s profile. She’s 18 now. I’m not sure what to do with this information. Do I tell my husband I was looking for his sister? Do I just send him a link to the Facebook profile? I know better than to contact her without talking to him first, but I’d love to find out if she knows her brothers exist or if she was told horrible lies about them and hates them. I realize what a can of worms any contact with her will open.

—Found via Facebook

DrillSergeantCat · June 2017

You know your husband better than anyone else. Is he going to be angry that you've looked for and found his little sister? I just don't know about this one. I've been in her shoes. When my dad died, his entire family (I was adopted) stopped talking to me. If they came out of the woodwork now, I'd be upset.

edited because I posted before finishing my thought

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

Maybe mention it is casual conversation? "Oh remember *little girl* ? Hmm ... she'd be 18 now, wouldn't she? I wonder if she looks like you guys."

charlotte989875 · June 2017

It's his family and his relationship with them, if he wanted to find out more he would have. Turn down the internet sleuthing and focus your attention elsewhere. If she ever comes up in conversation maybe say "you could probably find her easily online, everyone is on Facebook these days", but otherwise id let this go.

flantastic · June 2017

Just - why now? What does she expect to happen now? (I'm sure that's how the sister would feel.)

If you really thought your H needed to be in contact with his sister, TELL HIM THAT 16 YEARS AGO. And if he says no, respect that. It's not your call. But I think the ship has sailed now. Has she said nothing this whole time, and now she's like "I think you did a shitty thing 17 years ago, but I never said anything, and it's probably too late to do anything meaningful now, but here I think you should do something now that we have her Facebook profile, even though you've had her mother's contact info this whole time."

I get that the point of mentioning she's 18 is because you could theoretically talk to daughter without mother involved, but - why?

short+sassy · June 2017

I find the LW's behavior bizarre and she needs to cut it out. Sure, this particular half-sister was an innocent child when whatever ugliness went on between the H, his brothers, and the step family. But he and his brothers have obviously CHOSEN to not be in this person's life.

Yes, she is their half-sister. But not a sibling they grew up with. She is now and has always been a stranger to them. And that is fine.

Edited to add:

My opinion would be a little different if it was the sister who sought out the LW's H. Than I would agree with the LW encouraging her H to, at least, talk to the woman. Give her info/stories about the father she never knew. That kind of thing.

mrsconn23 · June 2017

short+sassy said:

I find the LW's behavior bizarre and she needs to cut it out. Sure, this particular half-sister was an innocent child when whatever ugliness went on between the H, his brothers, and the step family. But he and his brothers have obviously CHOSEN to not be in this person's life.

YES! I do not understand people who want to push their partner to have the kind of relationship with their family that they *think* their partner should have. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

VarunaTT · June 2017

I do understand it, b/c I was that way with xH. And it was b/c it was my issue, not his. I am an only child with a small family. His big famiily with lots of siblings, cousins, etc. was really exciting. It was super disappointing to me that he and his two brothers didn't really get along. I finally realized I had to stop forcing my vision of sibling relationships on his and move along.

Which is what LW needs to do. She might suss out the waters and see if her DH is curious at all, but if he shuts it down she needs to back off, quickly.

mrsconn23 · June 2017

At least you had self-awareness after trying to stop it when ex-h wasn't interested, @VarunaTT.

It's been 17 years for this lady. Also, she seems to be sleuthing behind her H's back and that makes it squicky to me.

Heffalump · June 2017

mrsconn23 said:

At least you had self-awareness after trying to stop it when ex-h wasn't interested, @VarunaTT.

It's been 17 years for this lady. Also, she seems to be sleuthing behind her H's back and that makes it squicky to me.

She sounds bored. Get a hobby or something.

Anyway, this relationship is up to her husband, and it looks like he's made his choice. Time to move on. Someone needs to tell her that season 3 of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is now available. Give her something to do that doesn't involve meddling.

I don't understand people who do this kind of stuff.

Re: I don't understand people who do this kind of stuff.

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