Conflicting Feelings

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

So .... I'm conflicted on things and I'm not sure if anyone has felt the same - or gets what I'm talking about.
{side note: I'm also debating on seeing my counselor about this, to kind of work out feelings}

I was talking to my mum, and she was saying she wants to price about using my dad's ashes for jewelry. That's cool. She's mentioned that before.
She wants me to go too, so that way I can see what the options are. Also she wants to give me some of the ashes.

This is the part that has me conflicted {and she knows my feelings fyi}
My mum said she feels ready to let go of some {rest or even half - unsure yet} of the ashes.
She knows where she'd put them. There's a road that isn't busy. Right by there is a hydro line {my dad was an electrician} and often there are deer and other wildlife.
He really would have loved that place.

I'm conflicted because I don't want her to let go of the ashes. He's been in the box for 3 years. No one knows he's there, except for the fact his photo is there and the fact it looks like a men's jewelry box. But it's in the corner.

It's a completely selfish way of feeling, because my mum has to live with it. But honestly I figured she'd hold on to what was left of the ashes after making a ring so that way we could decide if she wanted a plot to put him and eventually her.

Has anyone else experienced this {or similar} ?

OliveOilsMom · June 2017

This is different, but maybe you can relate. FIL was deceased prior to our meeting. We are Catholic, so whether they are ashes or not, the body needs to be buried in consecrated grounds.

There is a highway next to the cemetery FIL is in and recently the state took a portion and is supposedly fixing the "flow" of the highway overpass. So with the new plans, where FILs niche was, there would be a ton more traffic noise. Many people were upset over the eminent domain that occurred with the cemetery. So much so that the state and diocese coordinated to get people moved for free to new resting places. Anyway MIL's parents are in a different area of the same cemetery. So she wanted to get FILs ashes moved in with her parents and she will go there also. But she was very conflicted about it. Neither H or BIL cared where FIL was because they wanted MIL to be happy with the spot in the end. There were multiple "family meetings" about it.

Eventually FIL was moved and MIL is happy. So, I think this should be mostly your mom's decision to make - she lives with the ashes everyday. But since you feel so conflicted about it, would you want to keep your dad's ashes at your house? If you wouldn't want your dad's ashes at your house, I think you should let your mom have them placed where she thinks your dad would want them to be. This may be your mom's attempt at moving on with life.

missJeanLouise · June 2017

This is a touchy subject but if y'all are looking at the jewelry option why not use all the ashes for that?

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

missJeanLouise said:

This is a touchy subject but if y'all are looking at the jewelry option why not use all the ashes for that?

My mum is going for that. It's the fact she wants to get rid of the rest likely.

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

@OliveOilsMom Yeh. I keep reminding myself that they're at her house, but it's been 3 years and never seemed an issue. Which I also mentioned to her

I'm wondering if it's just, she's ready to let go of them and I'm just ....not?

I will be getting some of the ashes, so there's that.

charlotte989875 · June 2017

I have never been in a similar situation so it's possible what I say won't help.

I think it's really good that you're acknowledging you're having these feelings and taking the steps to manage them. It definitely can't hurt to check in with your counselor and get their perspective. People go through different stages around grief and death and just because your Mom is ready for this step doesn't mean you have to be, or that you can't or shouldn't have feelings about it. Would it help to ask her why she's ready to do this now? Maybe hearing her reasoning might help.

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

charlotte989875 said:

I have never been in a similar situation so it's possible what I say won't help.

I think it's really good that you're acknowledging you're having these feelings and taking the steps to manage them. It definitely can't hurt to check in with your counselor and get their perspective. People go through different stages around grief and death and just because your Mom is ready for this step doesn't mean you have to be, or that you can't or shouldn't have feelings about it. Would it help to ask her why she's ready to do this now? Maybe hearing her reasoning might help.

I did ask. She didn't really give a reason, just that she feels ready. Maybe I'll try for a deeper conversation on how she got to feeling ready though.

*Barbie* · June 2017

I've never been in this situation, so not sure how i would feel, but I think you should talk to your therapist, and then your mom.

If your mom is planning to scatter the non-jewelry ashes, maybe she will give you some - or maybe she feels that having the jewelry buried with her would make her happy. Has she started dating? It possible she's considering that a future partner may not want to have her deceased husband's remains buried in a joint plot? Your mother may also be considering cremation with her ashes scattered or turned to jewelry so she is ready to let go of his ashes.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

I don't have any personal experience with a parent dying to know what you might be feeling. It must be painful and difficult to shoulder this. I have to agree with others that addressing this with your therapist is a good first step. If nothing else, to address your feelings.

I wonder if your mom would give you some of the ashes. That way, she can scatter them as she sees fit and you can do as you please.

An uncle who was incredibly special to me died a few years ago (for long-time regs, this is the guy who did a reading at our wedding)...anyway..he was cremated and my aunt held onto his ashes for over a year before she felt ready to scatter them. Scattering them was always the plan - even he had said he wanted some here, some there, etc. - but she needed time to hold onto him and grieve. From what I understand, scattering ashes is incredibly therapeutic for many people who have lost their life-long partners or other loved ones. Maybe your mom doesn't want to talk about why she feels ready...she just does. And maybe this was always the plan between the two of them, as partners, you know?

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

@*Barbie* Yeh I know many people may not be able to relate, but I figure you ladies would have some separate insight.

I do get some of the ashes once we know how much she needs for jewelry and base it from that.
She's being cremated and I get everything. I've talked about the idea of burying both of them together. I'm more comfortable with that.

As for dating, I would be surprised. It's only been 3yrs and they were together for 30 {married a month shy of their 28th wedding anniversary} and she has no current desire to find someone. I know this because we've had this conversation, and I've made it clear I would like to be informed if she gets the feeling of wanting to date.
Not that I deserve an opinion - whole different issue - just more so it's not like "Surprise! I'm dating now!"

*sigh* I'm pretty sure this is all selfish feelings. My lack of wanting change, and wanting people to abide by that as well.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

MissKittyDanger said:

@*Barbie* Yeh I know many people may not be able to relate, but I figure you ladies would have some separate insight.

I do get some of the ashes once we know how much she needs for jewelry and base it from that.
She's being cremated and I get everything. I've talked about the idea of burying both of them together. I'm more comfortable with that.

As for dating, I would be surprised. It's only been 3yrs and they were together for 30 {married a month shy of their 28th wedding anniversary} and she has no current desire to find someone. I know this because we've had this conversation, and I've made it clear I would like to be informed if she gets the feeling of wanting to date.
Not that I deserve an opinion - whole different issue - just more so it's not like "Surprise! I'm dating now!"

*sigh* I'm pretty sure this is all selfish feelings. My lack of wanting change, and wanting people to abide by that as well.

I'm a firm believer that the person dying should have 100% say in what happens to them. Your mom may have made plans with your dad that are incredibly personal and weren't shared with the kids.

Re. the bolded, I think you should talk about these feelings with your therapist also. This seems a little controlling to me.

I understand it's not the same, but my parents got divorced a little over a year ago. They were together almost 35 years and it's really how I picture them. Obviously, I'm their kid and they were married my whole life. But they're not even 60. I fully expect they don't want to die alone and that they'll move on. The timeline is up to them individually and it's none of my business.

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

southernbelle0915 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

@*Barbie* Yeh I know many people may not be able to relate, but I figure you ladies would have some separate insight.

I do get some of the ashes once we know how much she needs for jewelry and base it from that.
She's being cremated and I get everything. I've talked about the idea of burying both of them together. I'm more comfortable with that.

As for dating, I would be surprised. It's only been 3yrs and they were together for 30 {married a month shy of their 28th wedding anniversary} and she has no current desire to find someone. I know this because we've had this conversation, and I've made it clear I would like to be informed if she gets the feeling of wanting to date.
Not that I deserve an opinion - whole different issue - just more so it's not like "Surprise! I'm dating now!"

*sigh* I'm pretty sure this is all selfish feelings. My lack of wanting change, and wanting people to abide by that as well.

I'm a firm believer that the person dying should have 100% say in what happens to them. Your mom may have made plans with your dad that are incredibly personal and weren't shared with the kids.

Re. the bolded, I think you should talk about these feelings with your therapist also. This seems a little controlling to me.

I understand it's not the same, but my parents got divorced a little over a year ago. They were together almost 35 years and it's really how I picture them. Obviously, I'm their kid and they were married my whole life. But they're not even 60. I fully expect they don't want to die alone and that they'll move on. The timeline is up to them individually and it's none of my business.

My parents made wills when they sold one house and bought another. Because I'm an only child, I do know everything they discussed. Especially because the death was sudden.

Yeh it does but if you heard her talking about the idea of dating, you'd wanna know if thoughts had changed {her words: men her age are gross; she has high standards; etc etc} It's not meant as controlling, more just "whoa, what changed!?"

levioosa · June 2017

southernbelle0915 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

@*Barbie* Yeh I know many people may not be able to relate, but I figure you ladies would have some separate insight.

I do get some of the ashes once we know how much she needs for jewelry and base it from that.
She's being cremated and I get everything. I've talked about the idea of burying both of them together. I'm more comfortable with that.

As for dating, I would be surprised. It's only been 3yrs and they were together for 30 {married a month shy of their 28th wedding anniversary} and she has no current desire to find someone. I know this because we've had this conversation, and I've made it clear I would like to be informed if she gets the feeling of wanting to date.
Not that I deserve an opinion - whole different issue - just more so it's not like "Surprise! I'm dating now!"

*sigh* I'm pretty sure this is all selfish feelings. My lack of wanting change, and wanting people to abide by that as well.

I'm a firm believer that the person dying should have 100% say in what happens to them. Your mom may have made plans with your dad that are incredibly personal and weren't shared with the kids.

Re. the bolded, I think you should talk about these feelings with your therapist also. This seems a little controlling to me.

I understand it's not the same, but my parents got divorced a little over a year ago. They were together almost 35 years and it's really how I picture them. Obviously, I'm their kid and they were married my whole life. But they're not even 60. I fully expect they don't want to die alone and that they'll move on. The timeline is up to them individually and it's none of my business.

STUCK IN THE BOX

Eh, I don't know about that. Losing a parent is tough, and even if you're an adult, it can be unsettling to see a parent dating again. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "hey, if you start to date, would you mind giving me a heads up so I can process it?" Rationally you know your parent has every right to date and be happy, but I still wouldn't want to be blindsided by it. I'd want a moment in private to remind myself that my parent is an adult with thoughts, feelings, and emotional and physical needs that don't involve me, and that just because they're dating doesn't mean the deceased parent has been replaced.

CMGragain · June 2017

MissKittyDanger said:

So .... I'm conflicted on things and I'm not sure if anyone has felt the same - or gets what I'm talking about.
{side note: I'm also debating on seeing my counselor about this, to kind of work out feelings}

I was talking to my mum, and she was saying she wants to price about using my dad's ashes for jewelry. That's cool. She's mentioned that before.
She wants me to go too, so that way I can see what the options are. Also she wants to give me some of the ashes.

This is the part that has me conflicted {and she knows my feelings fyi}
My mum said she feels ready to let go of some {rest or even half - unsure yet} of the ashes.
She knows where she'd put them. There's a road that isn't busy. Right by there is a hydro line {my dad was an electrician} and often there are deer and other wildlife.
He really would have loved that place.

I'm conflicted because I don't want her to let go of the ashes. He's been in the box for 3 years. No one knows he's there, except for the fact his photo is there and the fact it looks like a men's jewelry box. But it's in the corner.

It's a completely selfish way of feeling, because my mum has to live with it. But honestly I figured she'd hold on to what was left of the ashes after making a ring so that way we could decide if she wanted a plot to put him and eventually her.

Has anyone else experienced this {or similar} ?

I have a slightly different perspective from the others. I will be dying within a couple of years, myself. When this old, cancer ridden body stops, then I want it to be decently disposed of. I am a Christian, and I believe that once my soul departs my body, the body is no longer "me". Thus, in my belief system, those ashes are not really your father, either. (My own father died when I was 15 years old. It was sudden and unexpected.)

Last month we bought cemetery lots and made plans. Money is not an issue. We looked at all the options. I plan for my body to be buried traditionally in a casket. I realize that after my husband dies, no one will visit my grave or put flowers on it. I really don't care. I do like to think that my body is decently buried and there is a stone with my name and dates. This is my family's tradition. I expect my husband to be buried next to me when it is his time.

I do not object to cremation, but I would have made plans for the disposition of my ashes if this had been my choice. Many people like to have their ashes scattered in favorite places, and our local cemetery has a dedicated scattering garden for this purpose for people who choose that. The problem with scattering ashes in a "favorite place" is that fifty years from now, there might be a gas station built there. I would have hated the idea of someone carrying part of my remains around like it was some magic shrine.

There are cremation markers that have places for several urns. They only require one cemetery plot, so this is a budget friendly tradition. This is what my late FIL decided to do. If your Mom likes the idea, perhaps you could look at some with her. I have seen markers with as many as eight deposit urns. You could put your Dad's ashes in one depository, and then there would be a place waiting for Mom's ashes when it is needed. You would have a place to visit and bring flowers when you wanted to meditate. Here is one example:
Bluestone_slant_and_ledger_plate_with_cremation_urns

Bluestone_slant_and_ledger_plate_with_cremation_urns

This is an elaborate design. Flat markers with cremation urns, like the one pictured behind the tall stone, are less expensive. There are many ways to customize a marker with your father's faith, hobbies, images of scenery and wildlife. It is a personal way to honor a loved one, and much more permanent than keeping a box in your house. 100 years from now, the marker will still be beautiful, and your grandchildren can see it and say "This was our Great Grandfather."

STARMOON44 · June 2017

I think asking to be informed of her feelings about dating change is intrusive. Feelings are tricky. It's not like she's going to one morning sit down and make a pro and con list and do a detailed analysis of if and why her feelings change. Feelings change in bits and starts slowly and then all at once and then take a step back etc. I think this is something you should work through yourself.

lyndausvi · June 2017

STARMOON44 said:

I think asking to be informed of her feelings about dating change is intrusive. Feelings are tricky. It's not like she's going to one morning sit down and make a pro and con list and do a detailed analysis of if and why her feelings change. Feelings change in bits and starts slowly and then all at once and then take a step back etc. I think this is something you should work through yourself.

I agree with this.

My aunt was married for 47 years when my uncle died. She said she wouldn't date ever. Well a few years later and man entered her life and they have been together for 12 years now. She didn't plan on dating, the right person just happened to come along. Her companion is great. They compliment each other. The kids from each side get along great (his was a widower himself).

One of my cousins had a harder time in the beginning for much of the same reasons at OP. Aunt said she wouldn't never be with anyone else, now she changed her mind, etc. But he finally realized that was his own issue. And honestly, no amount of lead time of wanting to date would have made him more comfortable with his mom being with someone other than dad.

Don't let your mom miss out on a great guy just because she might not have given you a heads up first. Love is funny. Sometimes it takes a while want to jump back in. Sometimes you never do. Other times it blossoms over time. And still others the right person comes along and it hits you like a ton of bricks.

CMGragain · June 2017

Well, DH has my blessings to find companionship after I am gone. We were married "until death us do part". I told him I have a few conditions that I expect him to observe:

1. Wait one year before dating out of respect for me.
2. Live with her for awhile before considering marriage. She needs to know what you are really like. Oh, boy!
3. Go on a three day road trip with her before deciding to marry. This is when she will see how bad you can really be!

4. Get a prenup before marrying her that protects our children's inheritance. If she objects, I think that tells you what she is really after! Remember that in today's day, marriage between older people may not be necessary, or even practical. Talk to the lawyer!
5. Be sensible. No trophy wife.

If it is OK with me, I don't see any reason why it should upset my children. He has been a good husband and friend, and I want him to be happy after I am gone. I have already willed my jewelry to my daughter. He buys new stuff for a new girlfriend/wife.

STARMOON44 · June 2017

scribe95 said:

CMG - those are really "rules" you set up for your husband or are you joking? They seem a bit over the top to me.

Of course they aren't "rules" in that she will be dead and can't enforce them. I think they sound like a reasonable discussion between two people who have been married a very long time, and regarding the children's inheritance a sensible thing to discuss.

CMGragain · June 2017

As for widowed people finding new love after losing their life partner, I have seen many people find successful, healthy relationships, both in a new marriage, or in a special friendship. I have also seen people make mistakes. It is no different than younger people dating and looking for a mate.

It is more complicated when children are involved. Those of you who have second marriages know what I mean! Adult children can really mess up their parents' future happiness by objecting to a new relationship. It can shatter families.

I do think it is very selfish for someone to cling to the memory of their late parent as a reason to object to the surviving parent moving on with their life. Sorry, @MissKittyDanger, but I think this is what you are doing to your Mom. The new person does not replace the father or mother you have lost. It is simply an opportunity for a new relationship which may turn out very well for everyone.

I think it is more difficult for men than for women. DH has been married to me for 41 years, and he pursued me for ten years before that. He is totally spoiled. I worry about how he will cope without me. He is fussy, has weird food preferences and phobias, and is very physically affectionate. I think it is going to be really hard for him to go it alone. If some nice woman wants to put up with him after I am gone, God bless her, but I don't want him to jump into the wrong relationship just because he misses me. Divorces are so hurtful, and expensive, too.

My beloved Grandmother had two successful marriages, both with family loudly objecting. Mom should have kept her big mouth shut and been happy when her Mom found happiness five years after the loss of Grandpa. It caused a lot of stress for family, and thing were said that caused permanent rifts. For shame, Mom! My Grandmother's second marriage lasted 28 years, until Joe died of cancer. They loved each other very much. Grandma told me that her two marriages were entirely separate in her mind, and that her second marriage had absolutely nothing to do with her first one. She adored both of her husbands and enjoyed being loved. I hope DH is as lucky!

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

levioosa said:

southernbelle0915 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

@*Barbie* Yeh I know many people may not be able to relate, but I figure you ladies would have some separate insight.

I do get some of the ashes once we know how much she needs for jewelry and base it from that.
She's being cremated and I get everything. I've talked about the idea of burying both of them together. I'm more comfortable with that.

As for dating, I would be surprised. It's only been 3yrs and they were together for 30 {married a month shy of their 28th wedding anniversary} and she has no current desire to find someone. I know this because we've had this conversation, and I've made it clear I would like to be informed if she gets the feeling of wanting to date.
Not that I deserve an opinion - whole different issue - just more so it's not like "Surprise! I'm dating now!"

*sigh* I'm pretty sure this is all selfish feelings. My lack of wanting change, and wanting people to abide by that as well.

I'm a firm believer that the person dying should have 100% say in what happens to them. Your mom may have made plans with your dad that are incredibly personal and weren't shared with the kids.

Re. the bolded, I think you should talk about these feelings with your therapist also. This seems a little controlling to me.

I understand it's not the same, but my parents got divorced a little over a year ago. They were together almost 35 years and it's really how I picture them. Obviously, I'm their kid and they were married my whole life. But they're not even 60. I fully expect they don't want to die alone and that they'll move on. The timeline is up to them individually and it's none of my business.

STUCK IN THE BOX

Eh, I don't know about that. Losing a parent is tough, and even if you're an adult, it can be unsettling to see a parent dating again. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "hey, if you start to date, would you mind giving me a heads up so I can process it?" Rationally you know your parent has every right to date and be happy, but I still wouldn't want to be blindsided by it. I'd want a moment in private to remind myself that my parent is an adult with thoughts, feelings, and emotional and physical needs that don't involve me, and that just because they're dating doesn't mean the deceased parent has been replaced.

To the bolded, absolutely. It's tough, no doubt about it. But asking "if you want to start dating again, I'd like to know" doesn't sound to me like "I just want to process this". It sounds like "I'd like a say in this."

If all somebody wants is time to process, start processing now. Assume (and unselfishly hope) that the parent will find love and companionship again if that's what they want.

I imagine that attempting to move on after losing a partner (to death or divorce) after many years is incredibly personal, difficult, and conflicting. It probably feels guilty (depending on the circumstances) and comes over quite a bit of time. It's not really up for discussion or debate and certainly doesn't necessitate permission, especially with one's kids.

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

Update:

I talked to my mum this weekend.

For reference, I do want to clarify on the her talking to me before dating. It is more of a process thing. Given how vastly against dating she is, it would be a huge change for her to suddenly want to be with someone and in turn myself.
It's not the "I want a say" by any means! It's just I don't want to be surprised. I can't handle surprises.
She understood that, and said she'd let me know if her feelings change.

We did talk about the ashes.
She isn't likely getting rid of all the ashes, and she is taking my request of finding somewhere to put the ashes if she wants to essentially 'bury' them into consideration.
As I explained to her, I would feel better if there was somewhere they could both be together, whether it's all of the ashes, or a small amount.
Not even a plot, there are other options at the memorial place we had originally gone to.

Even if that wasn't the place I felt the 'need/want' to visit, I know they would be together. Maybe that's what I really wanted, them together? I'm not sure. But we're going to look at pricing for that as well.

short+sassy · June 2017

@MissKittyDanger, I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your mom's plans for scattering some of the ashes. I think you should discuss it with your counselor, since you are having trouble working out those feelings.

As you may remember, my father also passed away too young and left my mother a widow. Coincidentally, he was also an electrician. He was cremated, but all of his ashes are kept at a cemetery. There is a "wall" of boxes for ashes that faces the Pacific Ocean. It is near an overlook point that was one of my dad's favorite places in life. Do you think your mom (or would you?) would be open to moving his ashes to a cemetery. Either similar to what I or @CMGragain are describing? It is nice in that it still leaves a place for people to visit.

Myself, mother, and sister were all happy with the decision and felt it was the right place. As such, I haven't been where you have been in this regard, but I'm sympathetic.

With all that said, I personally see a beauty in scattering ashes in a cherished spot(s). It's a return to the earth.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm also going to suggest you have another talk with your mom about her dating. Just let her know it's okay, when she's ready. And that, while you'd prefer to know on the earlier side, she can also tell you she's dating/thinking of dating when she is ready. Dating again will already be hard for her and I'm worried you may have inadvertently added extra pressure about it, for when the time comes.

My mother and father met and married in their early 20s. They were married for 26 years when he passed away. I know my mother didn't necessarily have any plans, or even a desire to date. But then, within just about a year of my dad's death, she met the man she would later marry. In fact, they've been together for about 20 years now.

My sister and I were both accepting of her dating again, though I know it was harder for my sister than it was for me.

And honestly, it was the best thing that could have happened for my mom. My SF is a great guy, who treats my mom wonderfully. They adore each other and bring a lot of happiness into each other's life.

At any rate, if/when your mom starts dating again, it might initially be really hard on you. But I hope you remember to see the big picture. That if a new love brings your mother more happiness and joy, it's a blessing.

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

@short+sassy the 'wall of boxes' is what I was talking to her about. I just couldn't think of a way to describe them lol
I definitely like the area she wants to put it, but as I explained to her I would also like a spot where I knew they would be together also.

Her dating is rough to think about it, because I've tried to broach the topic of "hey what about dating him?" to gauge her reaction and it's always heavy disinterest - not the person, just the idea of dating.

I mean, don't get me wrong - I don't want her to be alone forever and I know it would take a bit to adjust to her dating if and when she does. She definitely deserves to be happy, I just don't want it to seem like she's going from 'ew dating' to 'I'm with someone!'

charlotte989875 · June 2017

I'm sorry you're struggling with these feelings and I'm glad you did talk with her.

I hope this doesn't come off rude (because that's definitely not how I mean it) but it sounds like a lot of this is about your needs and wants, not hers. And it's perfectly okay for you to feel everything that you are, but there's a difference between feeling and acting. You say you want them to be buried or together after they pass, is that what they want? Did your Dad have any wishes about what would happen? Maybe I'm reading this wrong but your Mom is giving you some ashes do with as you please, but you're conflicted about what happens with the remaining ashes? Maybe putting them somewhere he would appreciate is part of what she needs to do to move on. And if in the future you want them together you can put the ashes you were given in a plot?

On the dating thing, just be prepared that sometimes people don't make a conscious choice about dating. Some do, they decide they want a pattern/companion and seek that out. But sometimes friendships come about just by meeting someone in the course of daily life and over time develop into something else. If it's the adjusting to the change or processing feelings I think as someone said above this is something you can start working out now with your counselor. I'm going to guess any change regarding these, however big or small, is going to be a difficult adjustment for you and it's better to have tools in place/be prepared before that happens.

short+sassy · June 2017

MissKittyDanger said:

@short+sassy the 'wall of boxes' is what I was talking to her about. I just couldn't think of a way to describe them lol
I definitely like the area she wants to put it, but as I explained to her I would also like a spot where I knew they would be together also.

Her dating is rough to think about it, because I've tried to broach the topic of "hey what about dating him?" to gauge her reaction and it's always heavy disinterest - not the person, just the idea of dating.

I mean, don't get me wrong - I don't want her to be alone forever and I know it would take a bit to adjust to her dating if and when she does. She definitely deserves to be happy, I just don't want it to seem like she's going from 'ew dating' to 'I'm with someone!'

I know there is usually room in one of the boxes to put two people's ashes and two people's information on the little plaque.

To the second bolded, that was exactly what happened with my mom. Sometimes when the right person comes along, feelings can suddenly change. I know you love your mom and want what's best for her. My advice is just to be ready to roll with the punches, because it will probably be a bit of a shock, no matter how her decision to date again comes about.

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

charlotte989875 said:

I'm sorry you're struggling with these feelings and I'm glad you did talk with her.

I hope this doesn't come off rude (because that's definitely not how I mean it) but it sounds like a lot of this is about your needs and wants, not hers. And it's perfectly okay for you to feel everything that you are, but there's a difference between feeling and acting. You say you want them to be buried or together after they pass, is that what they want? Did your Dad have any wishes about what would happen? Maybe I'm reading this wrong but your Mom is giving you some ashes do with as you please, but you're conflicted about what happens with the remaining ashes? Maybe putting them somewhere he would appreciate is part of what she needs to do to move on. And if in the future you want them together you can put the ashes you were given in a plot?

On the dating thing, just be prepared that sometimes people don't make a conscious choice about dating. Some do, they decide they want a pattern/companion and seek that out. But sometimes friendships come about just by meeting someone in the course of daily life and over time develop into something else. If it's the adjusting to the change or processing feelings I think as someone said above this is something you can start working out now with your counselor. I'm going to guess any change regarding these, however big or small, is going to be a difficult adjustment for you and it's better to have tools in place/be prepared before that happens.

Definitely not rude. Honestly this is a complicated situation, so anything and everything I look at as options.

When they did their wills, they did them together and informed me of their decisions {joys of being an only child ...} They were looking at getting a plot together, because they were both wanting to be cremated.
The reaction she gave me, sounded like she wanted to let go some of the ashes and see what options were for rest.

The ashes she's giving me, is my choice but she's giving me enough that if I wanted to do something with jewelry I could. One funeral home can turn loved ones into diamonds.

I get what you mean by friendships, and I think it would be different if my mum had more male friends. She does have one, but he's also a widow and was her friend's husband. {her friend passed} There have been jokes about them dating from mutual friends and I asked if she would honestly consider it.
She said no because he was too short {my mother is picky lmao}

Yeh, I called my counselor recently to make an appt. I'm gonna have to talk about how to deal. I just hope my mum is open and honest with me about it ...

charlotte989875 · June 2017

MissKittyDanger said:

charlotte989875 said:

I'm sorry you're struggling with these feelings and I'm glad you did talk with her.

I hope this doesn't come off rude (because that's definitely not how I mean it) but it sounds like a lot of this is about your needs and wants, not hers. And it's perfectly okay for you to feel everything that you are, but there's a difference between feeling and acting. You say you want them to be buried or together after they pass, is that what they want? Did your Dad have any wishes about what would happen? Maybe I'm reading this wrong but your Mom is giving you some ashes do with as you please, but you're conflicted about what happens with the remaining ashes? Maybe putting them somewhere he would appreciate is part of what she needs to do to move on. And if in the future you want them together you can put the ashes you were given in a plot?

On the dating thing, just be prepared that sometimes people don't make a conscious choice about dating. Some do, they decide they want a pattern/companion and seek that out. But sometimes friendships come about just by meeting someone in the course of daily life and over time develop into something else. If it's the adjusting to the change or processing feelings I think as someone said above this is something you can start working out now with your counselor. I'm going to guess any change regarding these, however big or small, is going to be a difficult adjustment for you and it's better to have tools in place/be prepared before that happens.

Definitely not rude. Honestly this is a complicated situation, so anything and everything I look at as options.

When they did their wills, they did them together and informed me of their decisions {joys of being an only child ...} They were looking at getting a plot together, because they were both wanting to be cremated.
The reaction she gave me, sounded like she wanted to let go some of the ashes and see what options were for rest.

The ashes she's giving me, is my choice but she's giving me enough that if I wanted to do something with jewelry I could. One funeral home can turn loved ones into diamonds.

I get what you mean by friendships, and I think it would be different if my mum had more male friends. She does have one, but he's also a widow and was her friend's husband. {her friend passed} There have been jokes about them dating from mutual friends and I asked if she would honestly consider it.
She said no because he was too short {my mother is picky lmao}

Yeh, I called my counselor recently to make an appt. I'm gonna have to talk about how to deal. I just hope my mum is open and honest with me about it ...

I think this is really important, and it sounds like you two have a really open, lovely relationship and you can talk about this stuff.

MissKittyDanger · June 2017

charlotte989875 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

charlotte989875 said:

I'm sorry you're struggling with these feelings and I'm glad you did talk with her.

I hope this doesn't come off rude (because that's definitely not how I mean it) but it sounds like a lot of this is about your needs and wants, not hers. And it's perfectly okay for you to feel everything that you are, but there's a difference between feeling and acting. You say you want them to be buried or together after they pass, is that what they want? Did your Dad have any wishes about what would happen? Maybe I'm reading this wrong but your Mom is giving you some ashes do with as you please, but you're conflicted about what happens with the remaining ashes? Maybe putting them somewhere he would appreciate is part of what she needs to do to move on. And if in the future you want them together you can put the ashes you were given in a plot?

On the dating thing, just be prepared that sometimes people don't make a conscious choice about dating. Some do, they decide they want a pattern/companion and seek that out. But sometimes friendships come about just by meeting someone in the course of daily life and over time develop into something else. If it's the adjusting to the change or processing feelings I think as someone said above this is something you can start working out now with your counselor. I'm going to guess any change regarding these, however big or small, is going to be a difficult adjustment for you and it's better to have tools in place/be prepared before that happens.

Definitely not rude. Honestly this is a complicated situation, so anything and everything I look at as options.

When they did their wills, they did them together and informed me of their decisions {joys of being an only child ...} They were looking at getting a plot together, because they were both wanting to be cremated.
The reaction she gave me, sounded like she wanted to let go some of the ashes and see what options were for rest.

The ashes she's giving me, is my choice but she's giving me enough that if I wanted to do something with jewelry I could. One funeral home can turn loved ones into diamonds.

I get what you mean by friendships, and I think it would be different if my mum had more male friends. She does have one, but he's also a widow and was her friend's husband. {her friend passed} There have been jokes about them dating from mutual friends and I asked if she would honestly consider it.
She said no because he was too short {my mother is picky lmao}

Yeh, I called my counselor recently to make an appt. I'm gonna have to talk about how to deal. I just hope my mum is open and honest with me about it ...

I think this is really important, and it sounds like you two have a really open, lovely relationship and you can talk about this stuff.

Very much so. I had an open relationship with both my parents. My dad was use to being able to speak to his parents about things and my mum didn't have a great relationship with her mum {better now as she's gotten older fyi}

OliveOilsMom · June 2017

I'm glad you made an appointment with the counselor. Other posters had more observations than I did on first read.

Since you will be seeing your counselor, maybe try to process your mom starting to date someone, even though she says she isn't ready. That way when your mom IS ready and mentions it to you, you aren't thrown for a loop and already have ways to process the information.

MIL was thrown into a deep funk when FIL passed. He had been taken unexpectedly from a car accident. H has said how there were times he thought she would need to be checked into a hospital because of a mental breakdown. She ended up adopting a dog who really turned her around and after a few more years, she was ready to find companionship again. She has said she never wants to marry again. The one thing that was very odd for H was that MIL would talk to him about her online dating adventures. MIL has basically encountered every bad online dating story! It was very odd and hard on him to hear all of these stories, but he was also the only one she really had to talk about these. So something to think about for the future is that your mom might do the same to you. So mentally preparing to hear of her dating adventures might be something else you can discuss with a counselor.

MIL is with someone now. We (H, BIL/SIL, and myself) aren't really a fan of his, but not because he is dating MIL. He just has an interesting personality. But him and MIL have fun, travel together (which is what MIL really wanted in her companion) and he helps her with things around the house (monetarily and fixing it up). So also be prepared for if your mom does date and find someone, it maybe someone you would NEVER expect! LOL!

STARMOON44 · June 2017

I just think it's important that to note that "open" is not the same as "honest." Your mother may not be ready to tell you as soon as her feelings change, or want to burden you with the news she is contemplating dating before she knows if she actually will. Not sharing those personal intimate details with you on your preferred timeline is not necessarily dishonesty.

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