Why do people keep inviting themselves?

zyanya67 · June 2017

If you look at the boards, they come for advice AND to vent. Unless you are an administrator of the site; you don't get to state the purpose of the boards as if it is gospel or berate people for using it in a different way than you do!

levioosa · June 2017

zyanya67 said:

@climbingwife ...This is supposed to be a safe place where we can rant about issues that annoy us; not be subjected to people who are going to call us names because they disagree with our opinions!! Its one thing to give constructive criticism, you aren't being constructive, you are trying to bully based on your own false assumptions! There is NO REASON to name call here, make accusations or assumptions about people you don't know!!

This in open etiquette forum. You posted something that, yes, came off as rude and immature, and people commented on it. If I saw that exchange at work, especially as a supervisor, it would really impact any future responsibilities or promotions you had coming your way. Interacting with people is an important part of pretty much any job, and you're always going to encounter annoying people with dumb questions. Handling them with tact is just basic adulting skills.

Oh, and nothing here even came close to "bullying." Please.

zyanya67 · June 2017

Good thing you aren't my supervisor! I showed him your post and we both had a good laugh. The way people act in an office setting is usually different than the way they are in their private life and to try and connect the two over a matter such as this is mind-boggling!!

If you look at the original post on this thread, there is no question posed, the person is just venting! To comment on someone else's post that a response may be considered rude is appropriate. To say they must not have any grace at all is something else entirely. One is commenting on the post, the other is making negative assumptions and comments about someone's character.

southernbelle0915 · June 2017

zyanya67 said:

If you look at the boards, they come for advice AND to vent. Unless you are an administrator of the site; you don't get to state the purpose of the boards as if it is gospel or berate people for using it in a different way than you do!

Alright then. I'm a moderator of these boards, so maybe I can help. Name calling (i.e. "you are a bitch") is not allowed. But saying that a behavior is rude and immature is allowed - it's an opinion. And it's definitely NOT bullying. Please don't minimize the experience of actual victims of bullying by pretending to be one for that comment.

If you think a comment violates the TOS (and for the love, please READ the TOS before you say "well I don't think this should be allowed" - over reporting of non-violations is a violation), you can click the little "Report" button under the comment.

Basically the definition of forums is to discuss ideas around a certain topic. Here it's weddings. And people are allowed to have various opinions. So if one comes here to vent, to ask for advice, to recap their day, or whatever...they need to understand that they're posting to the interwebz, which opens them up to millions of opinions about whatever they say.

If you're looking someone to only say "it's YOUR super special day! do WHATEVER you want!" I'm sure you know friends who will do just that for you. Here, you'll get honest opinions and blunt advice - the things family and friends are probably thinking but won't tell you. If that's not your forum style, there are many options out on the world wide web.

flantastic · June 2017

If you want to be one of those people who thinks the most adult response to people making mistakes is "girl, bye," then that's fine, but don't be surprised when you're not a well-liked person.

Everyone tried to offer more tactful suggestions for dealing with this situation, but you may prefer to be the kind of person who "always tells it like it is." Sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it just means you're unnecessarily rude and overreacting to things.

zyanya67 · June 2017

I don't expect everyone to agree with me but to be told "it is pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in social situations", based on a post isn't advice but your right, it is an opinion... the opinion of a small-minded judgemental person who knows absolutely nothing about me...but now that I have had the rules explained to me by a moderator, I will adhere to them. Since people are allowed to comment on other people's character, and not their opinions on a subject, I will follow suite.

OurWildKingdom · June 2017

zyanya67 said:

I don't expect everyone to agree with me but to be told "it is pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in social situations", based on a post isn't advice but your right, it is an opinion... the opinion of a small-minded judgemental person who knows absolutely nothing about me...but now that I have had the rules explained to me by a moderator, I will adhere to them.

Now you're violating TOS by name-calling. No one called you any names, let alone bullied you as you claim.

I've been bullied, as a child and as an adult. Someone on a forum telling you that you should be more tactful is not even close to bullying.

No, I'm not a moderator, but I did just report you. I'm also going to put you on ignore because, frankly, I'm too old to deal with drama.

geebee908 · June 2017

zyanya67 said:

I don't expect everyone to agree with me but to be told "it is pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in social situations", based on a post isn't advice but your right, it is an opinion... the opinion of a small-minded judgemental person who knows absolutely nothing about me...but now that I have had the rules explained to me by a moderator, I will adhere to them. Since people are allowed to comment on other people's character, and not their opinions on a subject, I will follow suite.

The first bolded would be considered name-calling in my opinion. I'd try to keep that in mind if you're serious about the second bolded.

ETA: Do we have a pot and kettle gif or something like that?

zyanya67 · June 2017

flantastic said:

If you want to be one of those people who thinks the most adult response to people making mistakes is "girl, bye," then that's fine, but don't be surprised when you're not a well-liked person.

Everyone tried to offer more tactful suggestions for dealing with this situation, but you may prefer to be the kind of person who "always tells it like it is." Sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it just means you're unnecessarily rude and overreacting to things.

In regards to people making mistakes, I think it completely depends on the situation and the person; some require patience, grace and tact while others its "Bye, Felicia".

I appreciate the suggestions, I just choose to handle this topic a different way. I'm usually more gracious and tactful, but with my wedding I am being firm with some things; dealing with people who, in my opinion, are being rude by trying to invite themselves, is an area where I don't feel I need to be considerate. I don't have to be liked by everybody, I would rather be loved by a few, and the guests I will have at my wedding will love me for not letting rude, boorish people at my event.

zyanya67 · June 2017

geebee908 said:

zyanya67 said:

I don't expect everyone to agree with me but to be told "it is pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in social situations", based on a post isn't advice but your right, it is an opinion... the opinion of a small-minded judgemental person who knows absolutely nothing about me...but now that I have had the rules explained to me by a moderator, I will adhere to them. Since people are allowed to comment on other people's character, and not their opinions on a subject, I will follow suite.

The first bolded would be considered name-calling in my opinion. I'd try to keep that in mind if you're serious about the second bolded.

ETA: Do we have a pot and kettle gif or something like that?

I guess its all in the phrasing then since you don't seem to have a problem with the poster telling me "it is pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in social situations". I will keep that in mind and adhere to the rules. Next time I will use different wording when trying to demean someone.

levioosa · June 2017

zyanya67 said:

flantastic said:

If you want to be one of those people who thinks the most adult response to people making mistakes is "girl, bye," then that's fine, but don't be surprised when you're not a well-liked person.

Everyone tried to offer more tactful suggestions for dealing with this situation, but you may prefer to be the kind of person who "always tells it like it is." Sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it just means you're unnecessarily rude and overreacting to things.

In regards to people making mistakes, I think it completely depends on the situation and the person; some require patience, grace and tact while others its "Bye, Felicia".

I appreciate the suggestions, I just choose to handle this topic a different way. I'm usually more gracious and tactful, but with my wedding I am being firm with some things; dealing with people who, in my opinion, are being rude by trying to invite themselves, is an area where I don't feel I need to be considerate. I don't have to be liked by everybody, I would rather be loved by a few, and the guests I will have at my wedding will love me for not letting rude, boorish people at my event.

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/3h5pe45FM9qUM/giphy.gif

OurWildKingdom · June 2017

geebee908 said:

zyanya67 said:

I don't expect everyone to agree with me but to be told "it is pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in social situations", based on a post isn't advice but your right, it is an opinion... the opinion of a small-minded judgemental person who knows absolutely nothing about me...but now that I have had the rules explained to me by a moderator, I will adhere to them. Since people are allowed to comment on other people's character, and not their opinions on a subject, I will follow suite.

The first bolded would be considered name-calling in my opinion. I'd try to keep that in mind if you're serious about the second bolded.

ETA: Do we have a pot and kettle gif or something like that?

Here you go, @geebee908:

geebee908 · June 2017

zyanya67 said:

geebee908 said:

zyanya67 said:

I don't expect everyone to agree with me but to be told "it is pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in social situations", based on a post isn't advice but your right, it is an opinion... the opinion of a small-minded judgemental person who knows absolutely nothing about me...but now that I have had the rules explained to me by a moderator, I will adhere to them. Since people are allowed to comment on other people's character, and not their opinions on a subject, I will follow suite.

The first bolded would be considered name-calling in my opinion. I'd try to keep that in mind if you're serious about the second bolded.

ETA: Do we have a pot and kettle gif or something like that?

I guess its all in the phrasing then since you don't seem to have a problem with the poster telling me "it is pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in social situations". I will keep that in mind and adhere to the rules. Next time I will use different wording when trying to demean someone.

We can only go by what you post, and based on what you've told us about your approach to rude people and your reactions in this thread, I haven't seen any evidence that the statement made by @climbingwife lacks foundation.

You could see it as a constructive criticism of your behavior as it appears to an outside observer and make an adjustment (or not), or take it personally and react to it as an attack (which it's not.) We don't control how you react to our comments. Take the advice given or don't, but it's not a personal attack if someone is sharing their view of how your behavior makes you appear to other people.

LD1970 · June 2017

1. The Internet is NOT a "safe space."

2. As someone who was a victim as a tween and teen of REAL, severe bullying, your minimization of the word and act in this conversation is utterly disgusting and offensive. Go educate yourself.

penguinpop · June 2017

zyanya67 · June 2017

LD1970 said:

1. The Internet is NOT a "safe space."

2. As someone who was a victim as a tween and teen of REAL, severe bullying, your minimization of the word and act in this conversation is utterly disgusting and offensive. Go educate yourself.

Safe spaces don't exist and I certainly wouldn't consider the internet one if they did. Being able to anonymously attack people's character without fear of reprisal is not safe. However there seem to be rules to this forum and if I have to follow them, as I should, then so should others.

You have NO IDEA who I am, what I've been through, or what level of bullying I have endured!! I'm not minimizing bullying, I was voicing my opinion on what I thought the behavior was. While your experience with it growing up may have been quite different, that does not negate the way I feel just because you believe it doesn't fit your parameters.

levioosa · June 2017

zyanya67 said:

LD1970 said:

1. The Internet is NOT a "safe space."

2. As someone who was a victim as a tween and teen of REAL, severe bullying, your minimization of the word and act in this conversation is utterly disgusting and offensive. Go educate yourself.

Safe spaces don't exist and I certainly wouldn't consider the internet one if they did. Being able to anonymously attack people's character without fear of reprisal is not safe. However there seem to be rules to this forum and if I have to follow them, as I should, then so should others.

You have NO IDEA who I am, what I've been through, or what level of bullying I have endured!! I'm not minimizing bullying, I was voicing my opinion on what I thought the behavior was. While your experience with it growing up may have been quite different, that does not negate the way I feel just because you believe it doesn't fit your parameters.

You literally called this forum a safe space. Not us. You said: "This is supposed to be a safe space."

Everyone here has followed the TOS. No bullying has occurred.

zyanya67 · June 2017

levioosa said:

zyanya67 said:

LD1970 said:

1. The Internet is NOT a "safe space."

2. As someone who was a victim as a tween and teen of REAL, severe bullying, your minimization of the word and act in this conversation is utterly disgusting and offensive. Go educate yourself.

Safe spaces don't exist and I certainly wouldn't consider the internet one if they did. Being able to anonymously attack people's character without fear of reprisal is not safe. However there seem to be rules to this forum and if I have to follow them, as I should, then so should others.

You have NO IDEA who I am, what I've been through, or what level of bullying I have endured!! I'm not minimizing bullying, I was voicing my opinion on what I thought the behavior was. While your experience with it growing up may have been quite different, that does not negate the way I feel just because you believe it doesn't fit your parameters.

You literally called this forum a safe space. Not us. You said: "This is supposed to be a safe space."

Everyone here has followed the TOS. No bullying has occurred.

I stand corrected, I did call it a safe space. I will elaborate by saying I don't believe people should withhold their opinions about a topic or actions but there are rules against demeaning a person's character; that is what I meant by being safe. We don't know each other in REAL life, don't know each other's personalities, histories, etc. To make a negative judgement on someone's character based on a point of etiquette is extreme and hurtful.

CMGragain · June 2017

zyanya67 said:

I came here to vent on this very subject because it is REALLY starting to annoy me!! All of my family and most of fiance's family are invited (cousins he doesn't keep in contact with he chose not to put on the list); my issue is casual acquaintances who, upon hearing you are getting married, instantly say "Am I invited?" My response to date has been a blank stare followed by silence but from now on it will just be a plain and simple "No."; I figure if they are rude enough to ask, that is the response they deserve.

I would NEVER assume I am invited to anybody's event, let alone a wedding of somebody I barely know! My daughter got married last weekend and her now MIL and FIL heard I was getting married in three months and asked if they were invited since we are all family now. I have only meet these people once and don't anticipate seeing a lot of them, why would I put them on my guest list?!?!? They got the the silent, blank stare and got the hint but from now on, I'm going to be cut throat.

This is OUR big day and we are very particular about the people and energy we want around us. We refuse to let ourselves be stressed out worrying about how some people might act or other people feeling some kind of way about how we are doing things; this is our wedding and we get to choose everything! I am blessed my fiance is more cutthroat then I am when it comes to being firm on this; he has been 100% involved in planning our wedding and doesn't want it to be spoiled by selfish people. This is not the time to cave in to what others want; they should be respectfully of the wishes of the bride and groom.

I come late to this drama, but how does the bolded, in which you state that a rude question entitled you to give a rude answer, show you to be a person of good character? There is NEVER any excuse to be rude to another human being. None. You have stated that this is acceptable behavior, when it is NOT.
If someone is rude to you, you find a way to respond that does not demean them. This is what compassionate, mature, kind people do.

You have not shown us that your behavior shows good character on your part, so why do you protest that we criticize you for being rude to others?

On your wedding day, you and your FI will be expected to treat all of your guests with politeness, respect and gratitude that they took time out of their schedules to attend your wedding. To focus on it being "your BIG DAY' shows immaturity, entitlement, and self absorption. To brag about how rudely you are responding to people who, however improperly, ask you if they can join you to celebrate your wedding, is disgusting behavior.

Shame! How dare you accuse other people of being "rude, boorish people", when you, yourself, have shown by your treatment of others, to be this, yourself.

LadyCatherineDB · June 2017

zyanya67 said:

Good thing you aren't my supervisor! I showed him your post and we both had a good laugh. The way people act in an office setting is usually different than the way they are in their private life and to try and connect the two over a matter such as this is mind-boggling!!

If you look at the original post on this thread, there is no question posed, the person is just venting! To comment on someone else's post that a response may be considered rude is appropriate. To say they must not have any grace at all is something else entirely. One is commenting on the post, the other is making negative assumptions and comments about someone's character.

Did you also show your supervisor the part where you said, "I can't stand this person, no one in the office can, and she is retiring a month before my wedding, thank goodness!"

If your supervisor "had a good laugh" at that part, too, then your work environment sounds unprofessional.

geebee908 · June 2017

I also wonder whether the supervisor had a good laugh but was also making mental notes about the behavior. Also, this supervisor doesn't see a problem with being on a wedding website during work? I envision more mental notes being made.

holyguacamole79 · June 2017

Has anyone called BINGO yet?

MobKaz · June 2017

I have to wonder if "supervisor" isn't really code for mommy.......or FI.

LondonLisa · June 2017

zyanya67 said:

Good thing you aren't my supervisor! I showed him your post and we both had a good laugh. The way people act in an office setting is usually different than the way they are in their private life and to try and connect the two over a matter such as this is mind-boggling!!

If you look at the original post on this thread, there is no question posed, the person is just venting! To comment on someone else's post that a response may be considered rude is appropriate. To say they must not have any grace at all is something else entirely. One is commenting on the post, the other is making negative assumptions and comments about someone's character.

Wait, you showed your boss a forum where you were arguing with people on the internet to prove how mature you are?!

climbingsingle · June 2017

I did not attack you. I called out your behavior. My opinion is that your behavior is rude. Maybe you should go back and read what you shared. Clearly I'm not the only one here that thinks your behavior and your actions were classless.

If my employee came to me and asked me to read a message board (especially during work hours), I'd seriously be concerned about her level of maturity, and whether or not I'd want to continue to employ her. I highly doubt your supervisor would condone this type of behavior.

Why do people keep inviting themselves?

Re: Why do people keep inviting themselves?

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