Etiquette

Guest Wanting Plus Ones!! So Rude!

I am getting married in one month from today woohoo! But as RSVP's have been coming in we've experienced a few people either listing a plus one on their RSVP card (without even asking) or a few others who asked if they can bring a friend instead of their boyfriend or for instance I have another friend who got in a new relationship and asked if she can bring him. My fiance and I have been trying to accomodate as best as possible but we both are shocked people don't really have the tact these days. 

I was SO irked today when a friend of my fiance RSVP'd and she listed "+1" on the RSVP with meal selection. She didn't even reach out to us and ask. So at this point how do we tactfully tell her? I will say that our wedding is out of town for everyone, but when I was single and invited to weddings I didn't think to just bring a random someone, I would just go or not go. We are offering guests to those with significant others, and then family who are single and wedding party. We've made a couple exceptions as is for a couple of friends but they are good friends, where this guest was former co-worker. 

Maybe I just need to vent lol. But I was shocked!! On the other end, it's amazing how people do not RSVP on time. I made our deadline 1 month out on purpose because I knew people would lag. So have a feeling we will have to call those who haven't RSVP'd.
«1

Re: Guest Wanting Plus Ones!! So Rude!

  • If someone is in a relationship, then you are obligated to invite their significant other.  If someone is just assuming that they can bring a date, you can telephone them and say, "Jane, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation was just for you."
    Yes, you should telephone the people who haven't RSVPed. 
    I am sorry you have so many rude friends.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Personally, I don't think subbing a friend for a significant other is a big deal since you had the seat reserved anyway, however, you are free to and within etiquette to say no when they ask. 

    As for someone writing in a plus one, you should simply call them and tell them you are unable to accommodate their plus one and will they still be able to attend alone. 

    so, I kind of do think this is shitty to do because there may be single guests invited without plus ones (like in this case), so just because you (royal you, not you specifically) are partnered, now you get to bring a guest of your choice, but a single guest doesn't.
    True. I didn't think of it that way. 

    ahoyweddinglnixon8
  • How new is your friend's relationship? If they were dating when invites went out, the partner should have been invited. It's proper etiquette to invite all SO's to a wedding, regardless of length of the relationship. I would find a way to accommodate him.

    Your guest who added the +1...does she know anyone else at the wedding? Is she comfortable traveling alone? I had a friend who was going through some real crap in the months leading up to our wedding and she brought a friend as her (invited) +1 because she said she needed someone along who knew what she had been going through and could recognize if she needed a few minutes away from the crowd, etc, and she didn't want to bother H or me (much appreciated!). I was glad she even made the trip, given everything she had going on; I could not have cared less who she brought.

    This is why it's best, when counting your guests, to assume every single guest will enter a relationship by the time of the wedding, and plan as such. ESPECIALLY if the wedding is OOT for a large number of your guests.

    One month out is SUPER early for an RSVP deadline. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • Ro041Ro041
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    levioosa said:
    I am getting married in one month from today woohoo! But as RSVP's have been coming in we've experienced a few people either listing a plus one on their RSVP card (without even asking) or a few others who asked if they can bring a friend instead of their boyfriend or for instance I have another friend who got in a new relationship and asked if she can bring him. My fiance and I have been trying to accomodate as best as possible but we both are shocked people don't really have the tact these days. 

    I was SO irked today when a friend of my fiance RSVP'd and she listed "+1" on the RSVP with meal selection. She didn't even reach out to us and ask. So at this point how do we tactfully tell her? I will say that our wedding is out of town for everyone, but when I was single and invited to weddings I didn't think to just bring a random someone, I would just go or not go. We are offering guests to those with significant others, and then family who are single and wedding party. We've made a couple exceptions as is for a couple of friends but they are good friends, where this guest was former co-worker. 

    Maybe I just need to vent lol. But I was shocked!! On the other end, it's amazing how people do not RSVP on time. I made our deadline 1 month out on purpose because I knew people would lag. So have a feeling we will have to call those who haven't RSVP'd.
    If people are requesting to bring their SO's, that's on you. Every SO regardless of length of relationship or marriage status should be invited. If your friend's relationship is new, i.e. she was single when invitations went out, technically you don't have to invite him, but it would be a good gesture. You can tell your other friends that the invitation is non-transferable, but if you have budgeted already for two people, I'd just let it slide. It's one of those things that just isn't worth the stress. 

    As far as the RSVP...that's kind of on you too. That's too early of a deadline. Normal deadlines are about two weeks out, and for good reason. A lot of people don't get their schedules a month out. I almost forgot to mail in SO's brother's RSVP the other day because I wasn't even thinking about it (RSVP date was almost 1.5 months before the wedding). The bride was bitching about it at our house when I realized. It was way too early. No wonder she didn't have any back. 
    OP said the wedding was OOT for everyone.  So while it is early, I would think that most people have a good idea of whether they plan to leave town in the next month to attend the wedding and can probably RSVP earlier than if it the wedding was in town.  If I have to leave town and get my work schedule every two weeks, I still likely have to get in my request for the weekend off early.  

    ILoveBeachMusic
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    MandyMost said:
    scribe95 said:
    Just to clarify, you are letting some single guests bring a plus one and not others? So if I'm a cousin I can bring a guest but not if I'm your friend? I don't like that. And honestly for OOT weddings I think generally allowing a plus one for everyone is the way to go. 
    I think this fits in with allowing some guests to bring their kids and not others. It's best to do in circles. For instance, if your best friend from college is traveling for the wedding and doesn't know anyone else attending, she should be given a plus one, but your 10 best high school friends who live locally and all know each other don't need a plus one if you don't want to offer it. 
    This is where I'd be. And if it turns out you're getting mostly declines from that friend group, I'd probably reach out to any single people who RSVP'd yes to let them know and offer a plus one. "Hey, I thought everyone from 4A was going to be hanging out, but it looks like it'll just be Jen and Ted, so if you want to bring someone, feel free."

    Anniversary

    SP29PrettyGirlLost
  • MandyMost said:
    scribe95 said:
    Just to clarify, you are letting some single guests bring a plus one and not others? So if I'm a cousin I can bring a guest but not if I'm your friend? I don't like that. And honestly for OOT weddings I think generally allowing a plus one for everyone is the way to go. 
    I think this fits in with allowing some guests to bring their kids and not others. It's best to do in circles. For instance, if your best friend from college is traveling for the wedding and doesn't know anyone else attending, she should be given a plus one, but your 10 best high school friends who live locally and all know each other don't need a plus one if you don't want to offer it. 
    This is where I'd be. And if it turns out you're getting mostly declines from that friend group, I'd probably reach out to any single people who RSVP'd yes to let them know and offer a plus one. "Hey, I thought everyone from 4A was going to be hanging out, but it looks like it'll just be Jen and Ted, so if you want to bring someone, feel free."

    Same here. Now my friend group is mostly paired off, but for the early weddings where we were mostly single, the whole crew wouldn't get plus ones but the brides one friend from this club none of us were in that never hung out with us would. I thought this was fair and made sense. In an ideal world, everyone gets plus ones, but I can totally see how if the bride and groom have a lot of single friends it being a burden. Also, I roll my eyes hard when people pull the "I don't want my wedding to be full of strangers" line with reference to inviting SOs, but if we're talking 20-30 plus ones, it holds more weight to me.
    SP29
  • I don't understand the current trend to bring dates to weddings.  My son is looking forward to his cousin's wedding next year.  He is hoping to meet some single California girls!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragain said:
    I don't understand the current trend to bring dates to weddings.  My son is looking forward to his cousin's wedding next year.  He is hoping to meet some single California girls!
    I had a friend who met his wife at a wedding...that he had brought a plus-one to! Your son maybe still has hope ;)
  • Thanks all for your comments. We have budgeted for 100 people so if it's over then will have to tell people wanting to bring guests who aren't significant others to the wedding that we can't accomodate... if we are at a lower # than expected we are going to try and accomodate. I don't really have a problem with people wanting to bring someone i just can't believe they would assume they can lol. but maybe it's because outside of wedding mode my fiance and I are the more the merrier type.

    Yes, I made my RSVP deadline 1 month out because it is out of town for mostly everyone and it's a wedding it is not that complicated to say a firm YES or No a month out, especially when save the dates went out in February. I made it early on purpose, I knew people would lag getting it in and if you make the deadline 2 weeks out then you have people who can't even stick to that deadline. 
  • CMGragain said:
    I don't understand the current trend to bring dates to weddings.  My son is looking forward to his cousin's wedding next year.  He is hoping to meet some single California girls!
    I'd love to meet someone at a wedding. The last three I've been to have had zero single men. Actually zero. 
  • Thanks all for your comments. We have budgeted for 100 people so if it's over then will have to tell people wanting to bring guests who aren't significant others to the wedding that we can't accomodate... if we are at a lower # than expected we are going to try and accomodate. I don't really have a problem with people wanting to bring someone i just can't believe they would assume they can lol. but maybe it's because outside of wedding mode my fiance and I are the more the merrier type.

    Yes, I made my RSVP deadline 1 month out because it is out of town for mostly everyone and it's a wedding it is not that complicated to say a firm YES or No a month out, especially when save the dates went out in February. I made it early on purpose, I knew people would lag getting it in and if you make the deadline 2 weeks out then you have people who can't even stick to that deadline. 
    Keep in mind that there will be people who just don't know that early.   One month from the response date is about the absolute earliest your response date should be.  That gives you time to chase down people.

    But some people work jobs that don't afford them the ability to know too early.   

    SP29MairePoppyPrettyGirlLost
  • banana468 said:
    Thanks all for your comments. We have budgeted for 100 people so if it's over then will have to tell people wanting to bring guests who aren't significant others to the wedding that we can't accomodate... if we are at a lower # than expected we are going to try and accomodate. I don't really have a problem with people wanting to bring someone i just can't believe they would assume they can lol. but maybe it's because outside of wedding mode my fiance and I are the more the merrier type.

    Yes, I made my RSVP deadline 1 month out because it is out of town for mostly everyone and it's a wedding it is not that complicated to say a firm YES or No a month out, especially when save the dates went out in February. I made it early on purpose, I knew people would lag getting it in and if you make the deadline 2 weeks out then you have people who can't even stick to that deadline. 
    Keep in mind that there will be people who just don't know that early.   One month from the response date is about the absolute earliest your response date should be.  That gives you time to chase down people.

    But some people work jobs that don't afford them the ability to know too early.   

    Yep. I had a few family members (within driving distance) who found out a week or two before if they were able to come. The rest of their families had already planned on coming so they had a place to stay, but they didn't know for sure until just shy of two weeks out. (I included them in the catering estimates & seating chart, JIC).
  • You always have people you have to follow up with by making phone calls to get their response. Setting a reasonable RSVP date just keeps you from looking controlling or like you're B-listing to those you've invited and gives people who may need more time to settle their schedules to get that together before the deadline.

    If I don't get my work schedule until two weeks before, I may not be able to commit because sometimes, even if you ask for that weekend off, your boss may deny your request. So, do I say no because I don't know that I'll for sure have that weekend off, and then not go if my weekend ends up being clear? Or do I say yes, and then have to contact you to say no later when I find out I have to work? Or do I decide to be rude and tell you when I know two weeks after the deadline?
  • SP29SP29
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I do think it odd guests would add another guest to the RSVP without asking first. I would never attend an event or bring someone to an event, without expressly being invited.

    But, with your wedding being OOT, maybe they are assuming they can bring someone because they don't want to travel alone.

    Yes, you will have to call up any guests who did not RSVP by the deadline to confirm if they are coming or not. And those who RSVP'd for an extra guest, let them know the invitation was only for them.
    charlotte989875
  • I am aware that etiquette doesn't require a plus one for truly single guests, but I can understand why people assume they get a plus one. I've never actually been to a wedding where singles didn't get a plus one. In many circles, thus plus one is expected, regardless of the etiquette requirements. Of course I wouldn't say this norm means people have to extend a plus one to single guests, but I do think it's unfair to start judging guests as tactless and indefensibly rude because they assume they're invited with a plus one. Maybe they have legitimately never been invited to an event without a plus one and don't realize that's even an option. 

    It's not like they're RSVPing with 11 extended family members or demanding diamond crusted flatware. 
    If an invitation doesn't say and guest or plus one, you haven't got one. It's rude to assume otherwise no matter what weddings typically have, same as kids. 
    InLoveInQueensSP29PrettyGirlLost
  • scribe95 said:
    When I was in college I was invited to a wedding with my significant other. He couldn't go and I only knew like three people at the wedding so I called up and asked if I could bring a friend instead. I honestly had no idea at the time I was being rude. I just didn't want to sit by myself all night feeling uncomfortable. I guess I'm a horrible person.


    I disagree with the OP on this point.  I don't think it is against etiquette for a guest to ask the host(ess) if it is okay to bring someone else.  But they do need to ask and not assume.  With that said, it is also perfectly fine for a host(ess) to decline that request.

    Although I didn't have it happen, for my wedding, I would have much rather had a guest make this request and bring a different person.  Than I would have for them to come by themselves because they were worried I'd be offended or it was rude for them to ask.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    MairePoppySP29ILoveBeachMusic
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    I am aware that etiquette doesn't require a plus one for truly single guests, but I can understand why people assume they get a plus one. I've never actually been to a wedding where singles didn't get a plus one. In many circles, thus plus one is expected, regardless of the etiquette requirements. Of course I wouldn't say this norm means people have to extend a plus one to single guests, but I do think it's unfair to start judging guests as tactless and indefensibly rude because they assume they're invited with a plus one. Maybe they have legitimately never been invited to an event without a plus one and don't realize that's even an option. 

    It's not like they're RSVPing with 11 extended family members or demanding diamond crusted flatware. 
    If an invitation doesn't say and guest or plus one, you haven't got one. It's rude to assume otherwise no matter what weddings typically have, same as kids. 
    To the "you haven't got one" point- some people make mistakes on addressing invitations. Some couples assume their single friends would know they could bring someone. I actually didn't go to a wedding with a longtime boyfriend because I assumed I wasn't invited when his invite was addressed to him and only him. Turned out the happy couple's calligrapher screwed up and I was supposed to be invited. He didn't ask though, and RSVPd alone. 

    To the "it's rude to assume otherwise-"- totally agree. Don't assume otherwise. But as other recent posters have said, can someone single ask? I'd say so. But the hosts can decline the ask and the guest should accept whichever answer is given. 
    ________________________________


    flantasticcharlotte989875
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    I am aware that etiquette doesn't require a plus one for truly single guests, but I can understand why people assume they get a plus one. I've never actually been to a wedding where singles didn't get a plus one. In many circles, thus plus one is expected, regardless of the etiquette requirements. Of course I wouldn't say this norm means people have to extend a plus one to single guests, but I do think it's unfair to start judging guests as tactless and indefensibly rude because they assume they're invited with a plus one. Maybe they have legitimately never been invited to an event without a plus one and don't realize that's even an option. 

    It's not like they're RSVPing with 11 extended family members or demanding diamond crusted flatware. 
    If an invitation doesn't say and guest or plus one, you haven't got one. It's rude to assume otherwise no matter what weddings typically have, same as kids. 

    Image result for you the point meme
    No one said it wasn't rude.

    It's just not that big of a deal that it deserves calling them tactless and acting like they're committing heinous etiquette crimes. It's a common error, compounded by how many people don't know how to properly address an invitation. Politely correct them and let it go; no dramatics necessary. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited July 2017
    It's not up to you whether someone else's relationship is 'significant.' If some your guests are putting names and meal selections on their RSVPs, they are letting you that they have someone special in their lives. You should let this go.

    The guest who substituted a friend for her SO should have called to make sure it was okay before she sent in her response. I would have allowed it, figuring the friend didn't want to travel alone. It wouldn't bother me if a guest did this, since I've already budgeted for two guests.

    For true singles, who are adding on mystery guests, you should call them and say you are sorry that you can't accommodate extra guests and you hope he/she will still be able to attend. 

    It would be nice if everyone responded by the RSVP date, but I've never heard of a wedding where there weren't last minute phone calls. It's just part of the process.
                
    DrillSergeantCat
  • SP29SP29
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    scribe95 said:
    When I was in college I was invited to a wedding with my significant other. He couldn't go and I only knew like three people at the wedding so I called up and asked if I could bring a friend instead. I honestly had no idea at the time I was being rude. I just didn't want to sit by myself all night feeling uncomfortable. I guess I'm a horrible person.
    Not horrible.

    Asking is a very reasonable request. Just as it is the hosts decision to say no. I'd rather have a guest bring someone else than not come at all.
    MairePoppy
  • I don't personally think it is that rude to ask for a plus one, especially if the person is traveling and spending a good amount of money to come. For example, I will have many friends and family members traveling across the country to my wedding. I don't have my single friends down as having a plus one, but if they ask, I will definitely say yes. After all, they're going to be dropping at least $300 for the flight (probably more) to get out here, so if they want to bring their mom or their sister, or their new SO, that is fine. The cost of the extra guest isn't going to come close to what they're spending to get out here and support me. 

    But writing in a plus one is kinda rude. I would prefer they actually ask me rather than just writing it in. 
    short+sassylyndausvi
  • Mircakes said:
    I don't personally think it is that rude to ask for a plus one, especially if the person is traveling and spending a good amount of money to come. For example, I will have many friends and family members traveling across the country to my wedding. I don't have my single friends down as having a plus one, but if they ask, I will definitely say yes. After all, they're going to be dropping at least $300 for the flight (probably more) to get out here, so if they want to bring their mom or their sister, or their new SO, that is fine. The cost of the extra guest isn't going to come close to what they're spending to get out here and support me. 

    But writing in a plus one is kinda rude. I would prefer they actually ask me rather than just writing it in. 
    If they have a new SO, then they're no longer single. They're in a relationship and the SO should be invited. 
    levioosaMairePoppyahoyweddingInLoveInQueens
  • If they are in a relationship I would consider it rude to just say only one can attend (no matter how long they have been in a relationship). If someone needs a travel buddy and are traveling a long ways, I would consider that fine. Outside of those (relationships or travel buddies)... just bringing a random friend seems weird to me. From the random friend's view, why would I want to attend a wedding with a friend when I don't know the couple?

    For the singles, I am writing "and guest" on their envelope because I figure it's more fun for the single person to bring someone with them if they want, rather than not knowing anyone, being bored (especially if they are shy and don't know anyone else at the wedding), and leaving early.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    If they are in a relationship I would consider it rude to just say only one can attend (no matter how long they have been in a relationship). If someone needs a travel buddy and are traveling a long ways, I would consider that fine. Outside of those (relationships or travel buddies)... just bringing a random friend seems weird to me. From the random friend's view, why would I want to attend a wedding with a friend when I don't know the couple?

    For the singles, I am writing "and guest" on their envelope because I figure it's more fun for the single person to bring someone with them if they want, rather than not knowing anyone, being bored (especially if they are shy and don't know anyone else at the wedding), and leaving early.
    What's the difference between random friend and travel buddy, though? 
    ahoyweddingPrettyGirlLost
«1
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards