I think it is appropriate to tell her daughter she feels the same.

mrsconn23 · July 2017

Dear Prudence,

I am a 50-year-old married woman who’s been married for 30 years to the father of my four children. We were both raised to believe women should be modest and have no sexual urges, so we’ve always had sex on a fairly fixed schedule (every third day, no physical contact during menstruation). My husband is very attentive, makes certain that I orgasm, and has never hurt me. I never thought anything was unusual until my 20-year-old daughter came home from college deeply troubled about being “asexual.” As she confided in me and we have been reading together, I realized that I am asexual also.

Is there a gene that causes this? I have no emotional conflict because in my culture having no sexual urges is a benefit. I do not think it is appropriate to say to my daughter “Hey, I am too, and it’s fine!” but seeing her view herself as “broken” is heart-wrenching. I realize my husband and my immediate family are the only people I can touch without feeling deep revulsion. (I do not like handshakes, hugs, or even massages from paid professionals.) I understand how she feels, but at her age I knew I would have a husband and children, and she is grappling with being “odd and different” from her siblings and her peers. I love her so deeply and feel I am the cause of her misery. How do I help her?

–Guilty Mother

OliveOilsMom · July 2017

I think LW should tell her daughter that it is ok to feel the way that she feels. There is nothing wrong with her.

But I have to wonder, is it the upbringing that is causing daughter to feel this way? And has LW's upbringing and structured sex life also made LW feel like she is asexual?

I don't think that I would categorize LW as asexual since she does seem to enjoy the sex life with her H. It's just structured. I was under the impression that asexual people are not interested in the act of sex regardless of the gender of their partner. They are more interested in companionship.

levioosa · July 2017

I might be wrong (and please correct me if I am), but I don't think asexual individuals react with revulsion to all types of touch. The fact that LW reacts to revulsion even to non-sexual things like a massage or a handshake makes it seem like something else might be happening with her. And ditto charlotte on the upbringing influencing the daughter.

VarunaTT · July 2017

There are ace people can who do engage in sexual relationships for various reasons, it's just not a motivator for them and something they can do without from my understanding. Some of the articles/first person things I've read, there are ace people who do experience deep seated revulsion at any sort of physical touch and sometimes it depends on who it is.

I'm not sure if mom should reach out or not, TBH. I think mom should encourage daughter to find an ace community, either online or in person, and be willing to listen. Buuuut...mom might be be relieved to have this identity labeled, but she's still a newbie to that term now too, she's basically in the same position as her daughter, with some different circumstances. If mom wanted to say, "Hey, i think I'm that too, let's see what we can find out together", I'd be okay with that. But they're both on 2 very different journeys in age and experience.

artbyallie · July 2017

I know at least one ace person who doesn't feel any revulsion at (platonic) physical touch, and in fact likes hugs/cuddles. I think mom and daughter could both benefit from speaking to a therapist who specializes in sexuality because I feel they may be more repressed/traumatized than asexual, but granted that's just my armchair diagnosis.

I think it is appropriate to tell her daughter she feels the same.

Re: I think it is appropriate to tell her daughter she feels the same.

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