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Etiquette

Family Wedding Rant

Can I just rant for a minute here, please?

A family member of mine just got engaged. He's one of my favorite people, and he and his FI have been together for almost a decade. I'm super stoked for him.

BUT they decided to have a destination wedding, 3 hours' flight from everyone either one of them know, in about 2 months. Which, you know, is cool, but they're making it SO obvious that they just wanted to elope and they're doing the bare minimum to invite people they think they "should" without having to actually have guests. 

So far they've:
- Told everyone they were engaged & the date and city of the wedding via text, yesterday.
- In the same text, invited some of us explicitly. For others, they expected that just having that information was the same as being asked to come.
- Gave us a little less than 48 hours to make the decision (so, yes, the "RSVP" is tomorrow, though the wedding is in Sept.)
- Booked a super inconvenient location knowing that most people couldn't afford it.

H and I can't afford to book anything immediately, and I'm sure tickets will only get more expensive in the next few weeks, so we had to decline. They're going to have a celebration of marriage party up here after the fact, so at least we can make that. If we had 3 or 4 months to plan, we could budget for it, but we're not stressing ourselves out when it's so clearly not important to them for us to be there. 

I'm actually REALLY upset though. I really want to go to his wedding, because he's always been really supportive of me. It just feels like he pushed all the guilt/blame for not being there on us by making it possible for us to come in the most unrealistic way he could think of.

Re: Family Wedding Rant

  • Yikes, that does sound really hurtful! I'm sorry your family member is acting this way, especially if you two have been close and you were looking forward to celebrating with him & his new FI.

    Do you think there's a reason they're doing things this way? I had a friend who married someone her family didn't like at all, and they kind of rushed things and did them in a way that inconvenienced her family. She knew her family didn't like him, and almost felt embarrassed or ashamed (that's not the right word, but I can't think of a better one) so it was like she was trying to hide the situation.

    Is your relationship at a point where you could ask him why he planned things as they are? Or could you at least express your hurt to him? Do other family members feel the same way?
  • What a bummer. 

    It sounds like it would be one thing to have a difficult destination wedding to get to but it also sounds like they're putting you on the spot to make a decision OMGRIGHTNOW and that's what really has a way of chapping the hide of anyone who is asked. 

    I'm guessing that you're close enough to be upset about this but not close enough to say that there's some jackassery that's involved in this planning and that only has a way of making it hard in the family.   Hopefully someone closer can have a heart to heart with him. 
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    That really sucks. Try to look at the positive that they're going to have a party at home too. 

    I wouldn't say anything though. Consider how often people on these boards express annoyance that they can't have the wedding they want due to family pressure. If they wanted to elope... just let them have their private wedding, even if they accomplish that privacy by acting kind of like jerks. I wouldn't be that family member that pressures them into doing something they didn't want to do. 

    Again, it does suck to be left out, and you're entitled to your feelings of course. But, you'll be supportive of him by attending his AHR.   
    ________________________________


    STARMOON44SP29
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would also be upset.  However, there is no way I would feel guilty or at fault for not being able to attend.  I honestly would be angry at this friend for doing what appears to be a deliberate attempt at upsetting family and friends.

    I am curious as to why they are not only rushing, but informing "guests" in such a half assed way. However, just this one time I am considering not taking my typical "glass half empty" POV, only because of a recent personal experience.

    An old family friend announced their engagement on FB.  The post appeared to be a year old, but the comments made it seem recent.  Some of the comments implied that the wedding was imminent, even though the engagement was just announced.  Sure enough, even though done 100% appropriately, this couple had a beautiful wedding within 3 months time of the engagement announcement.  The gist is that the bride's father was quite terminally ill, although his condition was kept private.  The couple chose to marry sooner than later so that the bride's father could be a full participant.

    @JediElizabeth, although they have planned this poorly, perhaps you will find out, in time, that there was a reason for this wedding to play out so quickly.  Hopefully it would not be anything as dire as my experience.  However, if there was no method behind their madness, I would be upset for some time.
    banana468JediElizabethOliveOilsMom
  • MobKaz said:
    I would also be upset.  However, there is no way I would feel guilty or at fault for not being able to attend.  I honestly would be angry at this friend for doing what appears to be a deliberate attempt at upsetting family and friends.

    I am curious as to why they are not only rushing, but informing "guests" in such a half assed way. However, just this one time I am considering not taking my typical "glass half empty" POV, only because of a recent personal experience.

    An old family friend announced their engagement on FB.  The post appeared to be a year old, but the comments made it seem recent.  Some of the comments implied that the wedding was imminent, even though the engagement was just announced.  Sure enough, even though done 100% appropriately, this couple had a beautiful wedding within 3 months time of the engagement announcement.  The gist is that the bride's father was quite terminally ill, although his condition was kept private.  The couple chose to marry sooner than later so that the bride's father could be a full participant.

    @JediElizabeth, although they have planned this poorly, perhaps you will find out, in time, that there was a reason for this wedding to play out so quickly.  Hopefully it would not be anything as dire as my experience.  However, if there was no method behind their madness, I would be upset for some time.
    That's where I am.   It's not that they plan to elope.   It's that they're forcing guests to accept or decline on the spot knowing that guests will most likely decline because they're making it purposefully difficult.

    It's a story that can be told as, "We invited people and they were so upset for no reason!   It was an invitation and not a summons!"

    But the reality doesn't shake out that way. 
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensJediElizabethOliveOilsMom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would be unhappy too.

    I recently received a wedding invitation from my cousin on Facebook. No, I'm not going because it's scheduled for the height of tax season when there is no way I can take time off from work, so I would have declined anyway.
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I mean, at least their lack of planning or thoughtfulness wasn't directed at you and only you??  Silver lining?

    STARMOON44JediElizabeth
  • Ugh. I'm sorry. I wish people would just own their decisions instead of forcing other people to make the decision for them. 
    image
    mollybarker11InLoveInQueens
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I was going to suggest just trying to think of it as them eloping, and so you don't get to be there at the wedding for that reason. Unfortunately, the fact that they're pretending that's not what they're trying to do is just hurtful instead of making people feel "included," which I presume is what they were going for.

    Anniversary

    PrettyGirlLostshort+sassymollybarker11
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    That really sucks. Try to look at the positive that they're going to have a party at home too. 

    I wouldn't say anything though. Consider how often people on these boards express annoyance that they can't have the wedding they want due to family pressure. If they wanted to elope... just let them have their private wedding, even if they accomplish that privacy by acting kind of like jerks. I wouldn't be that family member that pressures them into doing something they didn't want to do. 

    Again, it does suck to be left out, and you're entitled to your feelings of course. But, you'll be supportive of him by attending his AHR.   

    I would say something.......if this is a really close family member I would say something like, "cousin, I'm so sorry we are unable to be at your wedding.  We'd love to celebrate your big day but unfortunately it isn't in the budget for us on such short notice."

    I'm a little passive aggressive like that though!

    SP29
  • Just say no and send a card. They don't owe you this. 
    CMGragaincupcait927
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2017
    Thanks for the input. Hearing some validation makes it easier to just let it go.

    ...

    Do you think there's a reason they're doing things this way? I had a friend who married someone her family didn't like at all, and they kind of rushed things and did them in a way that inconvenienced her family. She knew her family didn't like him, and almost felt embarrassed or ashamed (that's not the right word, but I can't think of a better one) so it was like she was trying to hide the situation.

    Is your relationship at a point where you could ask him why he planned things as they are? Or could you at least express your hurt to him? Do other family members feel the same way?
    I'm pretty sure this was a compromise. I knew that she wanted to elope and he wanted a big family wedding, so although this is a surprise, I can at least trace back the thinking (I think). I also did let him know that it was hurtful to treat it like it was so unimportant, but left it at that.

    I let them know that I could budget it on the short timeline, and that I'll be at the AHR. 

    redoryx said:
    Ugh. I'm sorry. I wish people would just own their decisions instead of forcing other people to make the decision for them. 

    This is exactly where I'm at. It is what it is....but I really wish they would own it. It would have been much easier for me to just be happy for them, instead of happy and annoyed. 

    Edit: "that I COULDN'T budget it....."
    short+sassy
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That's sucks. I agree, they should have owned their decision to elope. If the groom wanted a big wedding, what they are doing really isn't a compromise at all. You shouldn't feel any guilt about this- they are the ones who are putting YOU (and the rest of their guests) in a shitty position. How many people can honestly just pack up and go in such a short time frame to a DW?
    JediElizabethahoyweddingInLoveInQueens
  • I do remember planning my wedding in two months.  The date was inconvenient for some people who had to drive two hours to my city.  We needed to get married FAST and get out of town!  Our mothers were fighting and throwing mud at each other.  We couldn't wait to get married and leave!  This might be your relatives case.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragain said:
    I do remember planning my wedding in two months.  The date was inconvenient for some people who had to drive two hours to my city.  We needed to get married FAST and get out of town!  Our mothers were fighting and throwing mud at each other.  We couldn't wait to get married and leave!  This might be your relatives case.
    Um, then they can just elope. 

    Don't justify bad behavior just because you can empathize with it.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensJen4948charlotte989875
  • Yikes, that sucks even more if he wanted a wedding with the family there. But I'm not sure what the compromise would be between elopement and a big family wedding, those are pretty much opposites! I guess they're viewing the AHR as the "big family wedding"? I'm sorry you're going through this!
  • kaos16 said:
    That really sucks. Try to look at the positive that they're going to have a party at home too. 

    I wouldn't say anything though. Consider how often people on these boards express annoyance that they can't have the wedding they want due to family pressure. If they wanted to elope... just let them have their private wedding, even if they accomplish that privacy by acting kind of like jerks. I wouldn't be that family member that pressures them into doing something they didn't want to do. 

    Again, it does suck to be left out, and you're entitled to your feelings of course. But, you'll be supportive of him by attending his AHR.   

    I would say something.......if this is a really close family member I would say something like, "cousin, I'm so sorry we are unable to be at your wedding.  We'd love to celebrate your big day but unfortunately it isn't in the budget for us on such short notice."

    I'm a little passive aggressive like that though!

    Hahaha.  I did exactly this with a good friend's second wedding.  I'd been a BM in her first one.  We're close, but live far away from each other and don't talk as often as we should.

    I had no idea she was engaged until I got her wedding invitation in the mail.  Three weeks before her wedding day :O.  I immediately called her up to congratulate her and, unfortunately, give her my decline.  I did mention how "I wish I could have come, but it is impossible for me to get off work and book a flight with only 3 weeks notice."

    I was a little mollified to find out they had gotten engaged only about a month earlier, so it had all been thrown together quickly.  I also wouldn't be surprised if I was the only OOT guest.

    As an aside, it was a potluck AHR, so that got a bit of side-eye from me also.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    kaos16 said:
    That really sucks. Try to look at the positive that they're going to have a party at home too. 

    I wouldn't say anything though. Consider how often people on these boards express annoyance that they can't have the wedding they want due to family pressure. If they wanted to elope... just let them have their private wedding, even if they accomplish that privacy by acting kind of like jerks. I wouldn't be that family member that pressures them into doing something they didn't want to do. 

    Again, it does suck to be left out, and you're entitled to your feelings of course. But, you'll be supportive of him by attending his AHR.   

    I would say something.......if this is a really close family member I would say something like, "cousin, I'm so sorry we are unable to be at your wedding.  We'd love to celebrate your big day but unfortunately it isn't in the budget for us on such short notice."

    I'm a little passive aggressive like that though!

    Hahaha.  I did exactly this with a good friend's second wedding.  I'd been a BM in her first one.  We're close, but live far away from each other and don't talk as often as we should.

    I had no idea she was engaged until I got her wedding invitation in the mail.  Three weeks before her wedding day :O.  I immediately called her up to congratulate her and, unfortunately, give her my decline.  I did mention how "I wish I could have come, but it is impossible for me to get off work and book a flight with only 3 weeks notice."

    I was a little mollified to find out they had gotten engaged only about a month earlier, so it had all been thrown together quickly.  I also wouldn't be surprised if I was the only OOT guest.

    As an aside, it was a potluck AHR, so that got a bit of side-eye from me also.

    Nothing wrong with short notice. The hosts just need to realize not everyone will be able to come.

    Last week BIL gave us 5 days notice that they were having a family birthday party for our nephew. And they live 40 mins away. Sorry- we'd already made plans to go OOT for the weekend.
    STARMOON44
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    SP29 said:
    kaos16 said:
    That really sucks. Try to look at the positive that they're going to have a party at home too. 

    I wouldn't say anything though. Consider how often people on these boards express annoyance that they can't have the wedding they want due to family pressure. If they wanted to elope... just let them have their private wedding, even if they accomplish that privacy by acting kind of like jerks. I wouldn't be that family member that pressures them into doing something they didn't want to do. 

    Again, it does suck to be left out, and you're entitled to your feelings of course. But, you'll be supportive of him by attending his AHR.   

    I would say something.......if this is a really close family member I would say something like, "cousin, I'm so sorry we are unable to be at your wedding.  We'd love to celebrate your big day but unfortunately it isn't in the budget for us on such short notice."

    I'm a little passive aggressive like that though!

    Hahaha.  I did exactly this with a good friend's second wedding.  I'd been a BM in her first one.  We're close, but live far away from each other and don't talk as often as we should.

    I had no idea she was engaged until I got her wedding invitation in the mail.  Three weeks before her wedding day :O.  I immediately called her up to congratulate her and, unfortunately, give her my decline.  I did mention how "I wish I could have come, but it is impossible for me to get off work and book a flight with only 3 weeks notice."

    I was a little mollified to find out they had gotten engaged only about a month earlier, so it had all been thrown together quickly.  I also wouldn't be surprised if I was the only OOT guest.

    As an aside, it was a potluck AHR, so that got a bit of side-eye from me also.

    Nothing wrong with short notice. The hosts just need to realize not everyone will be able to come.

    Last week BIL gave us 5 days notice that they were having a family birthday party for our nephew. And they live 40 mins away. Sorry- we'd already made plans to go OOT for the weekend.
    A short notice wedding is a very different animal than a short notice child's birthday party.

    Plus, birthdays occur at the same time every year, so you can assume a party will be imminent. 

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    JediElizabeth
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