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Wasn't there a Seinfeld ep about a yeller?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend and I have been together for a while now, and we are very much in love. She’s an incredibly supportive person and shows me that she loves me in many ways. But she has recently started yelling at me when I do things that she doesn’t like. Often it’s over mistakes that I’ve made that I would consider small but that cause her a lot of anxiety. She’ll scream at the top of her lungs and will often curse at me as well. It doesn’t help the situation when she yells, and I think it usually makes it worse because I freeze up and continue being unhelpful to her because I can’t really think while being yelled at.

I don’t see yelling as very productive. I don’t really do it, but it’s less of a conscious choice for me. Yelling is just not in my personality. She sees yelling as something necessary in romantic relationships, because for her it indicates passion. Am I being too rigid in thinking that yelling doesn’t have a place in romantic relationships?

—Keep It Down

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Re: Wasn't there a Seinfeld ep about a yeller?

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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    The idea that yelling=passion is a red flag, IMO. Disagreement is normal, arguments happen, but this seems immature and unhealthy. 
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    missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    Not a good match, move on.
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    DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    Girlfriend needs to go see someone about her anxiety.
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    apollymiapollymi member
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    Girlfriend needs to get help with her anxiety. I don't think yelling specifically has a place in a relationship, and I certainly don't think it has anything to do with passion, that raises huge red flags for me. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    I'm thinking LW's gf has temperament issues that should be addressed. Yelling doesn't raise flags, but it does show that she has to find better ways to handle a situation.
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    Yep, I can be the same way.  I've gotten better at tempering it, but sometimes I'm just so fucking pissed that it's the only 'release' option I have in the moment. 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    The yelling is a red herring.

    If this girl has so much anxiety that she is screaming, it's hurting her relationship and she "can't stop", she needs mental health help. If she won't seek it, LW can't expect a change and should expect more of this if s/he continues the relationship.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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    apollymiapollymi member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    Yep, I can be the same way.  I've gotten better at tempering it, but sometimes I'm just so fucking pissed that it's the only 'release' option I have in the moment. 
    It's not the yelling that's the red flag, it's the girlfriends mentality that yelling = passion.
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    Yep, I can be the same way.  I've gotten better at tempering it, but sometimes I'm just so fucking pissed that it's the only 'release' option I have in the moment. 
    I'm a known crier lol
    I was tagged in a post - by my mother lmao - that said something like "why do women cry when they're mad? Because it's illegal to kill someone and that makes them sad"

    I've gotten better. If I think ahead of time about what I need to discuss, knowing it could get heated for whatever reason, I state right away "I am being calm. We should be calm. This doesn't need to escalate."
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    Yep, I can be the same way.  I've gotten better at tempering it, but sometimes I'm just so fucking pissed that it's the only 'release' option I have in the moment. 
    But this is different than yelling at or cursing at someone. Emotional is one thing, insulting/screaming/belittling is a totally different thing. 

    Being upset during an argument is perfectly normal, IMO, but screaming is not. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    Yep, I can be the same way.  I've gotten better at tempering it, but sometimes I'm just so fucking pissed that it's the only 'release' option I have in the moment. 
    But this is different than yelling at or cursing at someone. Emotional is one thing, insulting/screaming/belittling is a totally different thing. 

    Being upset during an argument is perfectly normal, IMO, but screaming is not. 
    My grandmother was a yeller when she was upset/angry. Sometimes people don't know how else to control emotions.
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    Yep, I can be the same way.  I've gotten better at tempering it, but sometimes I'm just so fucking pissed that it's the only 'release' option I have in the moment. 
    But this is different than yelling at or cursing at someone. Emotional is one thing, insulting/screaming/belittling is a totally different thing. 

    Being upset during an argument is perfectly normal, IMO, but screaming is not. 
    My grandmother was a yeller when she was upset/angry. Sometimes people don't know how else to control emotions.
    Okay, but there are steps people can take to learn how to better control how they react to situations and emotions. Sounds like girlfriend in this letter is not open to that. I just don't buy "oh screaming and cursing is fine because I just can't control myself". Nope. Learn how to control it. Or at least how to manage it because this is unhealthy. 
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    apollymiapollymi member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    Yep, I can be the same way.  I've gotten better at tempering it, but sometimes I'm just so fucking pissed that it's the only 'release' option I have in the moment. 
    But this is different than yelling at or cursing at someone. Emotional is one thing, insulting/screaming/belittling is a totally different thing. 

    Being upset during an argument is perfectly normal, IMO, but screaming is not. 
    My grandmother was a yeller when she was upset/angry. Sometimes people don't know how else to control emotions.
    Okay, but there are steps people can take to learn how to better control how they react to situations and emotions. Sounds like girlfriend in this letter is not open to that. I just don't buy "oh screaming and cursing is fine because I just can't control myself". Nope. Learn how to control it. Or at least how to manage it because this is unhealthy. 
    Especially if it's affecting your relationship with your partner. You know that it's crossed an unhealthy boundary. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    Yep, I can be the same way.  I've gotten better at tempering it, but sometimes I'm just so fucking pissed that it's the only 'release' option I have in the moment. 
    But this is different than yelling at or cursing at someone. Emotional is one thing, insulting/screaming/belittling is a totally different thing. 

    Being upset during an argument is perfectly normal, IMO, but screaming is not. 
    My grandmother was a yeller when she was upset/angry. Sometimes people don't know how else to control emotions.
    Okay, but there are steps people can take to learn how to better control how they react to situations and emotions. Sounds like girlfriend in this letter is not open to that. I just don't buy "oh screaming and cursing is fine because I just can't control myself". Nope. Learn how to control it. Or at least how to manage it because this is unhealthy. 
    Oh I agree it's not healthy and she's not open to changing, I'm just still not seeing yelling as red flags.
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    Yep, I can be the same way.  I've gotten better at tempering it, but sometimes I'm just so fucking pissed that it's the only 'release' option I have in the moment. 
    But this is different than yelling at or cursing at someone. Emotional is one thing, insulting/screaming/belittling is a totally different thing. 

    Being upset during an argument is perfectly normal, IMO, but screaming is not. 
    My grandmother was a yeller when she was upset/angry. Sometimes people don't know how else to control emotions.
    Okay, but there are steps people can take to learn how to better control how they react to situations and emotions. Sounds like girlfriend in this letter is not open to that. I just don't buy "oh screaming and cursing is fine because I just can't control myself". Nope. Learn how to control it. Or at least how to manage it because this is unhealthy. 
    Oh I agree it's not healthy and she's not open to changing, I'm just still not seeing yelling as red flags.
    I think yelling/screaming/cursing at (especially depending on what words are used and how they're used) can be (not always, not each situation!) symptoms or indicators of emotional abuse. 

    Yelling/screaming/swearing are just not a productive ways to manage conflict, hang negative effects on well-being, and if there are children can have significant effects on their development. I guess those are my red flags. Sure yelling once in an argument not indicative of Big problems, but a consistent pattern of behavior like this and a strong resistance to change, is. 

    Curious us if we'd look at this differently if the yelling partner was a man and the LW was obvious female? (FTR I can't tell the gender of the LW). 
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    flantasticflantastic member
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    I remember my mom telling me about her older sister and her boyfriend (now husband of probably about 30 years). She was privy to a lot of their relationship dynamic because they were sisters and the boyfriend and her boyfriend (my dad) were high school friends and college roommates.

    She said they fought hard and made up hard. She didn't get it, because that was not at all hers and my dad's personality, but she recognized that obviously it worked for them (and I think they fight less now).

    But that was the thing that worked for both of them, and they both improved at it. Neither of these things seem to be the case here.
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    apollymi said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't see this as red flags per say, but it still isn't good thing.
    I'm an emotional person, and with that I tend to cry often. When I get into an argument with ANYONE, I can guarantee I will start crying. It's just a reaction for me.

    Yep, I can be the same way.  I've gotten better at tempering it, but sometimes I'm just so fucking pissed that it's the only 'release' option I have in the moment. 
    It's not the yelling that's the red flag, it's the girlfriends mentality that yelling = passion.


    Ding, ding, ding.  It would be one thing if the g/f realized this is a problem she has and at least wants to try and fix it.  Then I would make all kinds of other recommendations.  But she is not seeing this is a problem.  The letter even makes it sounds like she sees it as a positive thing (giggle, look how passionate we are with each other!).

    Sorry, LW.  Done.  Unless you want to accept being screamed at by the woman you love for the rest of your life and realize that will never change, it's time to go. 

    On a slightly different subject.  For the title, I think the Seinfeld episode you are referring to was a "Loud Talker".

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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,
    My girlfriend and I have been together for a while now, and we are very much in love. She’s an incredibly supportive person and shows me that she loves me in many ways. But she has recently started yelling at me when I do things that she doesn’t like. Often it’s over mistakes that I’ve made that I would consider small but that cause her a lot of anxiety. She’ll scream at the top of her lungs and will often curse at me as well. It doesn’t help the situation when she yells, and I think it usually makes it worse because I freeze up and continue being unhelpful to her because I can’t really think while being yelled at.

    I don’t see yelling as very productive. I don’t really do it, but it’s less of a conscious choice for me. Yelling is just not in my personality. She sees yelling as something necessary in romantic relationships, because for her it indicates passion. Am I being too rigid in thinking that yelling doesn’t have a place in romantic relationships?

    —Keep It Down

    Does not compute. 
    This doesn't add up for me. 
    LW is vague on the phrasing of "together for a while" - is that to be measured in terms of days, weeks, months, or years?
    "has recently started yelling at me" - how recent is this? days, weeks, months, etc.?
    so how were negative emotions expressed earlier on in the relationship? did she address him in a calm manner, did she yell but maybe not to this extent? did she just not address something that she saw as an issue/bottle it up?

    "she sees yelling as necessary ... because passion"
    so the yelling has only started because she feels passionately, now?
    is this something that she said, directly, or was this just LW's assumption/takeaway?

    I'm wondering if g/f is under more stress than usual and is lashing out at LW rather than addressing the underlying issue. (The "passion" doesn't work with this conclusion.)
    The other thought i had was that the g/f tends to be more nonconfrontational/bottle things up, and had just gotten to the boiling point with LW - so now everything is "yelling."

    Also, wondering what this "yelling" actually is- because I've been accused of yelling when I'm speaking at a completely normal volume, with a "terse" tone.
    I would also like to know the triggers for g/f blowing up - because her reaction may be warranted if he's being a total ass.
    One final thought - is the g/f normally a total drama queen - because if not, this might take it back to the theory that she's under a lot of stress and is just lashing out - if she is, then LW needs to realize that it's par for the course, and maybe they're not a great fit.  

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