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Etiquette

Very very Awkward invite issue

Hi y'all,

So I have a super awkward issue about possible B list issue.

So we booked the room for our reception last year and paid the deposit based on 150 people coming. Not sure if anyone remembers but my first ever post was about how many people should I estimate would actually come. So we invited about 210 people and now that we're at the pointy end we have 109 RSVP's yes. I'm not overly surprised because of the distance Australians would have had to travel to our Paris wedding. But it leaves me with the issue of having to pay a surcharge if we have less than 120 people (-10% of the original quote) So FI suggested we invite people that we hadn't originally. 

I'm worried that these people will feel really shitty about whats clearly a B list invite. But I would like for them to be there.

Any ideas - do we not do it and eat the cost?
Is there a polite way to do this?

any ideas would be welcome.

Re: Very very Awkward invite issue

  • Agree with PPs, no B list. Instead either offer +1's to truly single guests or see if you can upgrade things with the venue. 
    image
    JediElizabeth
  • Ditto, don't B list. Upgrading food, apps, drinks would be awesome if your venue allows! If you have any invited guests who weren't previously invited with a +1, you could allow them to bring someone. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I agree, don't B list.

    Paying the surcharge, upgrading, and allowing +1s are all good courses of action in your situation.
    MairePoppySP29
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It would be fine to contact your single guests and ask if they'd like to bring someone. How likely is it that your guests' guests will be able to book travel from Australia to Paris, though?

    You should ask your venue if they would allow you to upgrade to meet the minimum. Upgrade the bar, appetizers or dessert. 
                
    sparklepants41PrettyGirlLost
  • It's only very very awkward if you B list people.  Ditto PP, I'd upgrade via food/drinks.
    mollybarker11PrettyGirlLostOliveOilsMom
  • Do you have any new friends you've made since ht einvites went out? Like a new coworker or something?
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Do you have any new friends you've made since ht einvites went out? Like a new coworker or something?
    That's still b-listing.
    justsiePrettyGirlLost
  • Do you have any new friends you've made since ht einvites went out? Like a new coworker or something?
    That's still b-listing.
    But not in a way that makes people feel bad. It's "We settled the guest list before we met you, but want you to come now that we know you" vs "you didn't make the cut the first time, nothing has changed in our relationship, but you can come since people we wanted more are not."
    short+sassycupcait927MesmrEweKnottie737c32aade6d0ff7
  • Do you have any new friends you've made since ht einvites went out? Like a new coworker or something?
    That's still b-listing.
    But not in a way that makes people feel bad. It's "We settled the guest list before we met you, but want you to come now that we know you" vs "you didn't make the cut the first time, nothing has changed in our relationship, but you can come since people we wanted more are not."
    I would agree with this. 

    But I have to ask, OP, how are you about to b-list when your family is in Austrailia? That doesn't seem feasible for a lot of people.

    When is your wedding? 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    SP29
  • The wedding is in September.  We didn't B list any Australian friends - its some French friends that we didn't invite originally.

    I totally agree with you all B list is super tacky. I dislike it. But it's not upgrading its literally paying a charge because we don't have enough people. We will have to pay for 120 even though we will most likely only have 112 including photographer, DJ etc. So I'm just thinking it would be nice to have people that we had wanted to invite originally but couldn't in the place of paying for them anyway.

    We may have to just eat the charge and be done with it. Don't want to hurt any feelings.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    When did you send the invitations out? Did you send any to local French friends? It would seem reasonable to mail the Australian bound invitations earlier than the local invitations. Wedding invitations should be mailed about 8 weeks before the wedding, with an RSVP date of 2-4 weeks before. If you haven't invited any local people, yet, I think it would be okay to invite them now. If you have included printed RSVP cards, you would have to reprint them with appropriate dates and get it done asap. If you have invited some French guests, I wouldn't risk it, though.
                
    short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    The wedding is in September.  We didn't B list any Australian friends - its some French friends that we didn't invite originally.

    I totally agree with you all B list is super tacky. I dislike it. But it's not upgrading its literally paying a charge because we don't have enough people. We will have to pay for 120 even though we will most likely only have 112 including photographer, DJ etc. So I'm just thinking it would be nice to have people that we had wanted to invite originally but couldn't in the place of paying for them anyway.

    We may have to just eat the charge and be done with it. Don't want to hurt any feelings.
    No, your venue should allow you to take the difference in price and apply it adding another appetizer or drink option or something.

    So if you're contracted for 120ppl at $100 a plate- that's a total of $12,000.  Your are short 8 ppl, or $800.  Your venue should allow you to apply that $800 towards food or drinks.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    MairePoppysparklepants41MesmrEwe
  • The wedding is in September.  We didn't B list any Australian friends - its some French friends that we didn't invite originally.

    I totally agree with you all B list is super tacky. I dislike it. But it's not upgrading its literally paying a charge because we don't have enough people. We will have to pay for 120 even though we will most likely only have 112 including photographer, DJ etc. So I'm just thinking it would be nice to have people that we had wanted to invite originally but couldn't in the place of paying for them anyway.

    We may have to just eat the charge and be done with it. Don't want to hurt any feelings.
    It's super tacky. Don't do it. 
  • PrettyGirlLost they don't allow that. If we want anything extra we have to pay for it on top. It's just how it works.

    MairePoppy So we sent them earlier because in France everyone takes summer holidays in August - offices close shops, supermarkets, restaurants everything is closed for August. So we needed to have close to final numbers by the end of this week so we sent out the invites quite some time ago. But I see where you're coming from - we could just send them with a newly printed RSVP card and they wouldn't necessarily see it as late.

    It's only 2 couples that we are thinking of adding - friends of mine who are expats also - so not in our French group of friends and haven't been in conversations with others about the wedding so far. 

    But we might just have to eat it.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    PrettyGirlLost they don't allow that. If we want anything extra we have to pay for it on top. It's just how it works.

    MairePoppy So we sent them earlier because in France everyone takes summer holidays in August - offices close shops, supermarkets, restaurants everything is closed for August. So we needed to have close to final numbers by the end of this week so we sent out the invites quite some time ago. But I see where you're coming from - we could just send them with a newly printed RSVP card and they wouldn't necessarily see it as late.

    It's only 2 couples that we are thinking of adding - friends of mine who are expats also - so not in our French group of friends and haven't been in conversations with others about the wedding so far. 

    But we might just have to eat it.
    Have you tried to negotiate with the venue?  That's a shitty policy on their end.

    Talk to your venue, and if they still won't budge I'd invite the 2 couples.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • scribe95 No I agree - I understand that we have to have the minimum people or pay. So it's fine. I had never heard of a venue giving anything in the place of that. 

    In the end, we decided to go ahead and invite the extra two couples. Especially because it's still quite far out - it's not super weird to receive an invite 6 weeks out - even if there is a summer break in between. I sent out an email today to confirm postal addresses and already got back a nice response from one of the couples saying they'd love to be there. We said we'd invite these two couples this weekend and then no more. And just deal with what ever extra charge we have in the end. To hopefully make sure no one feels like they were B-listed.

    Thanks all.
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    PrettyGirlLost they don't allow that. If we want anything extra we have to pay for it on top. It's just how it works.

    MairePoppy So we sent them earlier because in France everyone takes summer holidays in August - offices close shops, supermarkets, restaurants everything is closed for August. So we needed to have close to final numbers by the end of this week so we sent out the invites quite some time ago. But I see where you're coming from - we could just send them with a newly printed RSVP card and they wouldn't necessarily see it as late.

    It's only 2 couples that we are thinking of adding - friends of mine who are expats also - so not in our French group of friends and haven't been in conversations with others about the wedding so far. 

    But we might just have to eat it.
    Have you tried to negotiate with the venue?  That's a shitty policy on their end.

    Talk to your venue, and if they still won't budge I'd invite the 2 couples.


    I think when venues allow an upgrade it is because they have a dollar minimum (food and beverage). This venue has a guest minimum which makes sense that they wouldn't allow upgrades to make up the cost difference just as @scribe95 said.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    scribe95 No I agree - I understand that we have to have the minimum people or pay. So it's fine. I had never heard of a venue giving anything in the place of that. 

    In the end, we decided to go ahead and invite the extra two couples. Especially because it's still quite far out - it's not super weird to receive an invite 6 weeks out - even if there is a summer break in between. I sent out an email today to confirm postal addresses and already got back a nice response from one of the couples saying they'd love to be there. We said we'd invite these two couples this weekend and then no more. And just deal with what ever extra charge we have in the end. To hopefully make sure no one feels like they were B-listed.

    Thanks all.
    Ours did.  Money is money; space is space.  DD had her reception in a "one wedding" venue.  The space was committed regardless.  We were short perhaps 30 people.  Not only did the venue allow us to upgrade and add to our menu, they very courteously did not require us to make up the entire monetary difference. 

    If the venue did not lose business by your lower guest count, I don't really understand their "guest over cost" mindset.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    scribe95 said:
    To be honest, why would the venue budge? You promised X people, which equals X dollars. They get that no matter what. Why would they let you get extra food for the same amount?
    Because typically when a venue has a dollar minimum they don't really care how you get to that minimum, as long as you get there.  And upgrading food and booze is usually what's done.

    I've never heard of a place in the US that is behaving like OP's venue is.
    MobKaz said:
    scribe95 No I agree - I understand that we have to have the minimum people or pay. So it's fine. I had never heard of a venue giving anything in the place of that. 

    In the end, we decided to go ahead and invite the extra two couples. Especially because it's still quite far out - it's not super weird to receive an invite 6 weeks out - even if there is a summer break in between. I sent out an email today to confirm postal addresses and already got back a nice response from one of the couples saying they'd love to be there. We said we'd invite these two couples this weekend and then no more. And just deal with what ever extra charge we have in the end. To hopefully make sure no one feels like they were B-listed.

    Thanks all.
    Ours did.  Money is money; space is space.  DD had her reception in a "one wedding" venue.  The space was committed regardless.  We were short perhaps 30 people.  Not only did the venue allow us to upgrade and add to our menu, they very courteously did not require us to make up the entire monetary difference. 

    If the venue did not lose business by your lower guest count, I don't really understand their "guest over cost" mindset.

    In my personal experience and from what I've heard from a ton of other people who got married in the US, that is a pretty common practice.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    To be honest, why would the venue budge? You promised X people, which equals X dollars. They get that no matter what. Why would they let you get extra food for the same amount?
    Because typically when a venue has a dollar minimum they don't really care how you get to that minimum, as long as you get there.  And upgrading food and booze is usually what's done.

    I've never heard of a place in the US that is behaving like OP's venue is.
    MobKaz said:
    scribe95 No I agree - I understand that we have to have the minimum people or pay. So it's fine. I had never heard of a venue giving anything in the place of that. 

    In the end, we decided to go ahead and invite the extra two couples. Especially because it's still quite far out - it's not super weird to receive an invite 6 weeks out - even if there is a summer break in between. I sent out an email today to confirm postal addresses and already got back a nice response from one of the couples saying they'd love to be there. We said we'd invite these two couples this weekend and then no more. And just deal with what ever extra charge we have in the end. To hopefully make sure no one feels like they were B-listed.

    Thanks all.
    Ours did.  Money is money; space is space.  DD had her reception in a "one wedding" venue.  The space was committed regardless.  We were short perhaps 30 people.  Not only did the venue allow us to upgrade and add to our menu, they very courteously did not require us to make up the entire monetary difference. 

    If the venue did not lose business by your lower guest count, I don't really understand their "guest over cost" mindset.

    In my personal experience and from what I've heard from a ton of other people who got married in the US, that is a pretty common practice.
    OP is getting married in Paris so things may be different over there.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    scribe95 said:
    To be honest, why would the venue budge? You promised X people, which equals X dollars. They get that no matter what. Why would they let you get extra food for the same amount?
    Because typically when a venue has a dollar minimum they don't really care how you get to that minimum, as long as you get there.  And upgrading food and booze is usually what's done.

    I've never heard of a place in the US that is behaving like OP's venue is.
    MobKaz said:
    scribe95 No I agree - I understand that we have to have the minimum people or pay. So it's fine. I had never heard of a venue giving anything in the place of that. 

    In the end, we decided to go ahead and invite the extra two couples. Especially because it's still quite far out - it's not super weird to receive an invite 6 weeks out - even if there is a summer break in between. I sent out an email today to confirm postal addresses and already got back a nice response from one of the couples saying they'd love to be there. We said we'd invite these two couples this weekend and then no more. And just deal with what ever extra charge we have in the end. To hopefully make sure no one feels like they were B-listed.

    Thanks all.
    Ours did.  Money is money; space is space.  DD had her reception in a "one wedding" venue.  The space was committed regardless.  We were short perhaps 30 people.  Not only did the venue allow us to upgrade and add to our menu, they very courteously did not require us to make up the entire monetary difference. 

    If the venue did not lose business by your lower guest count, I don't really understand their "guest over cost" mindset.

    In my personal experience and from what I've heard from a ton of other people who got married in the US, that is a pretty common practice.
    OP is getting married in Paris so things may be different over there.
    I know, hence why I specified I was referring to the US.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    To be honest, why would the venue budge? You promised X people, which equals X dollars. They get that no matter what. Why would they let you get extra food for the same amount?
    Because typically when a venue has a dollar minimum they don't really care how you get to that minimum, as long as you get there.  And upgrading food and booze is usually what's done.

    I've never heard of a place in the US that is behaving like OP's venue is.
    MobKaz said:
    scribe95 No I agree - I understand that we have to have the minimum people or pay. So it's fine. I had never heard of a venue giving anything in the place of that. 

    In the end, we decided to go ahead and invite the extra two couples. Especially because it's still quite far out - it's not super weird to receive an invite 6 weeks out - even if there is a summer break in between. I sent out an email today to confirm postal addresses and already got back a nice response from one of the couples saying they'd love to be there. We said we'd invite these two couples this weekend and then no more. And just deal with what ever extra charge we have in the end. To hopefully make sure no one feels like they were B-listed.

    Thanks all.
    Ours did.  Money is money; space is space.  DD had her reception in a "one wedding" venue.  The space was committed regardless.  We were short perhaps 30 people.  Not only did the venue allow us to upgrade and add to our menu, they very courteously did not require us to make up the entire monetary difference. 

    If the venue did not lose business by your lower guest count, I don't really understand their "guest over cost" mindset.

    In my personal experience and from what I've heard from a ton of other people who got married in the US, that is a pretty common practice.
    OP is getting married in Paris so things may be different over there.
    I know, hence why I specified I was referring to the US.
    Sorry, I thought you thought it was in the US.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @Australian_girl_in_Paris - That's so nice. I'm happy that it worked out for you. 
                
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