Wedding Woes

This is abusive behavior.

Dear Prudence,
For medical reasons, I cannot drive. Happily, my husband enjoys driving and can be counted on to get us where we need to go. I’m very fortunate; he never complains, and he’s a very skilled driver. Unfortunately, he’s not a safe driver. He always pushes the speed limit, frequently at dangerously high speeds of over 100 mph. He perceives other drivers as threats and aggressively weaves through traffic to outmaneuver them. He’s been involved in no shortage of road-rage close calls as a result, even with me in the car screaming at him, begging him, pleading with him to slow down.

More than once, I’ve genuinely feared for my life and called 911, but I hung up when he slowed down. This is the only way his anger manifests, but when it does, it is truly terrifying. He’s put my life, and the lives of other people on the road, at risk of death more times than I can count. We’ve fought so many times over this. I’ve brought it up while he’s driving, while he’s not driving, while we’re having dinner, in “we need to talk”–style conversations. I’ve cried. He’s made half-hearted promises to change but never followed through.

I love him. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with who otherwise completely “gets” me. He’s supportive of me in all my endeavors. Our physical chemistry is great. I don’t want to leave him. But I also don’t have the option of taking over the driver’s seat, and I don’t want to die in a fiery car crash. The fact that he dismisses my fears and tells me I’m overreacting when all of our friends are terrified of his driving just strikes me as a terrible disconnect. How can I make him see that the risks that he takes as a driver are unacceptable, once and for all?

—Terrified Passenger

Re: This is abusive behavior.

  • Omfg this dude needs to retake driving test!

    I don't get what LW means by "skilled" especially then following it up with a bunch of close calls .... does she mean he's skilled because he doesn't crash?

    M has driven like an asshole ONCE and I told him if he didn't fucking slow down, I will 'tuck and roll" because I'm not okay with what he's doing. Then proceeded to unlock the door.
    He promptly slowed and has not done it since {for reference, there is more to the situation than that - but it's a whole story and he realized his mistake}
  • DH can be an 'offensive' driver and sometimes it makes me nervous.  

    But he listens when I tell him he's making me uncomfortable and slows down.   He'll sometimes bristle, but I always shoot back with, "Do what you want when you're alone, but you're driving me and our children, so stop."  But he's not driving over 100 mph or anything.  
  • My DH likes to drive fast but he does it when he books a track day.

    I would flat out stop getting in the car with him.  He's not listening.   So stop getting in the car.  Tell him that he's not safe and you're not putting your life at risk.   Call other friends or a taxi.   


  • mrsconn23 said:
    DH can be an 'offensive' driver and sometimes it makes me nervous.  

    But he listens when I tell him he's making me uncomfortable and slows down.   He'll sometimes bristle, but I always shoot back with, "Do what you want when you're alone, but you're driving me and our children, so stop."  But he's not driving over 100 mph or anything.  
    M has a lead foot, but he drives different when I'm in the car because he knows I will ragefit and/or tuck and roll.
  • As much as the driving is an issue i think the larger issue is his lack of care for your feelings of safety if he's not listening to your concerns when he knows you are scared then something needs to change. 

    Also even if this is the only way his anger manifests it's only a matter of time before it could leak out in other ways which means that getting help before that happens is vital. 
  • Maybe stop fake threatening 911 and tell your husband that if he doesn't stop putting your LIFE in danger (and the hundreds of lives on the road), you're going to start using Uber 100% of the time? Likely a big part of your budget, but that's the cost of safety, honey. 

    Unfortunately this may mean declining trips to see family/friends and/or fly or take a cab/train/bus "because my husband's road rage has put our lives in danger multiple times and I don't feel safe."

    What is she going to do if they have children and they have to ride with this maniac? Put her kids in harms way every single day? Leave this fucker for your own safety and that of everyone around you.
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  • Omfg this dude needs to retake driving test!

    I don't get what LW means by "skilled" especially then following it up with a bunch of close calls .... does she mean he's skilled because he doesn't crash?

    M has driven like an asshole ONCE and I told him if he didn't fucking slow down, I will 'tuck and roll" because I'm not okay with what he's doing. Then proceeded to unlock the door.
    He promptly slowed and has not done it since {for reference, there is more to the situation than that - but it's a whole story and he realized his mistake}

    I found this to be an alarming description, as well.  From her description, he is FAR from a "skilled" driver.  A skilled driver does not put people's lives in danger.  Full stop.

    She needs to finally put her foot down and refuse to get in the car with him.  Take a bus.  Take a taxi.  Do without.  Don't allow their children and/or grandchildren in the car with him.  Maybe, maybe...if he finally has some consequences to his dangerous driving...he will start listening to her.  She should also suggest he takes anger management classes.  But he is the one who needs to be receptive to change.  And, right now, he isn't.  Quite frankly, he will probably kill himself on the road one day.

    Especially considering her disability, I would also take steps to have umbrella insurance and/or assets in just my name.  Just in case he kills or seriously maims other people in an accident.

    Horrific story.  My H has been married before.  In a previous marriage, his FIL had become a very dangerous driver in his older age.  My H and his (then) wife refused to be in the car with him or allow their children to be in the car with him.  They BEGGED him...many times...to stop driving.  But he wouldn't, despite regularly having minor "fender benders".  Then one night, he got on the freeway going in the wrong direction.  Was in a head-on collision with another car, both going highway speeds.  He died instantly.  4 people in the other car died on the scene.  The FIL had an older car with older technology.  The impact was so forceful, the engine of the car ended up in the back seat (shudder).  Nowadays, engines will "drop" in the event of an impact.  For exactly that reason.  To keep them from being shoved into the passenger area.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • @short+sassy  omg that's horrible :( So sorry to hear about that
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