If you don't have sex and you're not romantic, then you're just...friends?

mrsconn23 · September 2017

Dear Prudence,

I am a bisexual female and a college student, currently in a rather unconventional relationship. This past spring I asked out a girl I knew, and she agreed. She’s cute, funny, and talented, and I was thrilled when she agreed to be my girlfriend. The timing was rather unfortunate; we started seeing each other right before I went home for the summer. Now we’re in the awkward position of having technically been together for months, but only a few weeks of that time was spent with us in the same city.

The unconventional part is this: My girlfriend is asexual, which is fine with me, and also possibly aromantic. I initiated the romantic aspect of our relationship, and she went along with it, but she admits that she does not have romantic feelings for me and is not sure if she’s even capable of having romantic feelings. We have very open communication, and I’ve told her that I’m willing to go along with our relationship as it is for now but that I am not willing to carry this into perpetuity without some romantic feeling coming from her. She has also given me her blessing to end our relationship if I meet someone else, or for any other reason. Which brings me to my question: Am I crazy for carrying on as things are now? Sometimes I think I must be. Our relationship as it is now will not make me happy in the long term. If we do continue, how much time should I give this, knowing my girlfriend may never return my romantic feelings, and may never know that she will never return my romantic feelings? Am I unfairly putting pressure on my girlfriend by staying with her?

—An Unconventional Relationship

OliveOilsMom · September 2017

"Our relationship as it is now will not make me happy in the long term."

That line is the only one I needed to read. End it now. No need to be in a relationship when you don't see things continuing long term and that you also cannot get something you want out of it (romantic feels). I also think the asexual aspect might cause trouble later on as well.

STARMOON44 · September 2017

Yeah this is friendship. Which is fine, but recognize what you're doing.

charlotte989875 · September 2017

Unfortunately this is a recipe for disaster. By all means stay friends with this woman, but she has been clear and upfront about her feelings and I do think it's unreasonable for you to expect her to change. Sometimes things don't work or the way you want them to, but she's giving you clear terms about what she's on board for, and those don't work for you. End it now and maybe salvage a friendship.

southernbelle0915 · September 2017

Yawn. At its core, this situation is not that different than thousands of other letters to Prudie. Surely if this person is writing to Prudie, she has read other letters and responses.

The world is your oyster, girlfriend. Go get yourself a new bf/gf.

short+sassy · September 2017

I'm having trouble understanding "aromantic". Asexual I can see as people having romantic feelings for each other, but with little or no physical contact because that is their preference (with everyone). But is there a difference between being "aromantic" and in a relationship together vs. just being friends? That's my curiosity and what I'm trying to figure out in my own mind.

But my "thought wanderings" have no effect on giving the LW the same advice you all did. This isn't the right relationship or person for her. So she needs to move on. More than four women.

JediElizabeth · September 2017

short+sassy said:

I'm having trouble understanding "aromantic". Asexual I can see as people having romantic feelings for each other, but with little or no physical contact because that is their preference (with everyone). But is there a difference between being "aromantic" and in a relationship together vs. just being friends? That's my curiosity and what I'm trying to figure out in my own mind.
But my "thought wanderings" have no effect on giving the LW the same advice you all did. This isn't the right relationship or person for her. So she needs to move on. More than four women.

This.

If you want a romantic relationship, you probably can't get that with someone who's aromatic. You'll end up with something more like a platonic life partner, and eventually resent them for not being able to give you what you want - even if they were honest up front.

MyNameIsNot · September 2017

"She has also given me her blessing to end our relationship if I meet someone else, or for any other reason."

She's just not that in to you. But I'll bet she'd be willing to stay friends.

VarunaTT · September 2017

Being aromantic and engaging in romantic behavior are two different things. You can be aromantic and make a choice to do something for your partner because it makes them happy and that's a goal for you. The issue here is that the choice isn't good enough for LW [and possibly GF isn't make that choice either, it's not clear if LW's romantic needs are being met].

I feel some sympathy for LW, b/c as a bisexual woman, I know it can be hard to find women to date and sometimes it can feel like only 4 women in the world. But this isn't a good relationship and LW just needs to end it now.

If you don't have sex and you're not romantic, then you're just...friends?

Re: If you don't have sex and you're not romantic, then you're just...friends?

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