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She went bonkers I guess (Part 2)

knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3fknottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3f member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
in Snarky Brides
This is mostly just a vent but feel free to comment. Wedding was six days ago. Honestly, I was supportive of bride on her day, I was also very sad and emotional. More than I ever realized I would be. I managed to be fine all day except during the speeches. I just became very sad. I tried not to show it - but yeah (I am a total sap). And I felt awkward almost the whole time. Bride told another bridesmaid my sadness was stressing her out (I wasn't like bawling infront of anyone. I just seemed teary and aloof). I told her not to worry about it and to focus on herself and her day.

I waited to today to email her (six days later). Thought she might not read it right away. I admit I could have waited longer - but I just wanted to move on. Let it go. Have some fun. So I was a little selfish I suppose. I did have like 2 close friends and my SO read it. They said it was honest, I shouldered some of the blame and wasn't making accusations. I was just stating how she
made me feel this last year and that in maybe a year she should go back and reflect on her actions. I left it open to her. She just texted me "weddings are the ultimate test to a friendship. You failed". She also texted my SO that I'm crazy and selfish. And deleted him from FB. Her husband also texted me several insults and deleted me, my so, and 2 of our other friends who I admitted questioned her behaviour too. Wtf? 

Not what I was expecting. I was just expecting nothing to be honest. I didn't think she would be thrilled - but I didn't expect this. I guess - you guys were right - showing up wouldn't fix it. At least I tried. I can say that much. I am pretty sad though. Sigh. Thoughts? Is it me or was the reaction a little over kill?
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Re: She went bonkers I guess (Part 2)

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I probably would have waited a bit longer, but I don't think there was anything wrong with your reaction.

    Weddings sometimes bring out people's true character. It appears that this "friend" showed how selfish and self absorbed she actually is. I would probably delete/block her on social media and block her number from my phone. And if i heard from her H again, I would do the same. There is nothing to be gained here. She's not going to wake up and realize how horrible she's been, and she's not going to apologize. You might as well mourn the friendship and move on. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Personally, I would've just faded the friendship out after the wedding, but I understand why you felt the need to have your say about what has happened with this wedding and this friendship. I'm sorry that things have turned out the way they have, but at least now you know the truth.

    Allow yourself to feel however you feel about this, and then turn your focus to the friends you still want in your life. You aren't the one who failed here.
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm so sorry....this woman has no sense of priorities, and you wound up being hurt because she doesn't understand what's important in life. That always sucks.

    I know it won't make you feel better, but I hope you remember that she's the one in the wrong here and you did just about everything right. You don't choose a wedding party as a test or to have someone to boss around/exploit; you choose a wedding party because you love those people and want them next to you when you get married. 

    I do hope she wises up and realizes her role here, but I also probably wouldn't let her back in my life if she did. She sounds like a lot of drama and demands without giving much back, which is not the kind of person who makes for great adult friendships.
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  • nassyv12nassyv12 member
    Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'm sorry this has happened to you but considering something you said in you previous post about her H saying she had to have a certain wedding is there a chance that he's controlling her and made her say that? I don't want to excuse her behaviour because it is horrible but i'm a little worried with this. 

    Also being annoyed that your getting teary is just stupid. I had a similar experience with a friend when she was trying on gowns and the MOH had a go at me because i got emotional watching my friend of ten years take a new step in her life. hate to think what the MOH gunna say on the WD because i'm gunna be a bit more that teary.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Thanks for the update and I'm sorry to hear this wedding ruined your all's friendship.

    I hope you have some comfort that you did your best to be a great BM, but it was her expectations that were out of whack.  It also sounds like you did your best to talk about what went wrong, without throwing all of the blame on her, and salvage the friendship.  However, salvaging any relationship requires both people wanting to do that.  Unfortunately, she has made her choice that she does not want to even try.

    Like other PPs have said, mourn the loss of the friendship and then move on.  Be the bigger person also.  If you see her or her H in social settings, be pleasant, polite, but impersonal.  If you all have mutual friends, keep what happened brief and factual.  Don't badmouth or gossip about her (not saying you are).

    I would have texted her back, "So did you."  Petty and pointless to do, I know.  But I couldn't have helped myself.

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  • knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3fknottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3f member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    Hey guys! Thanks for the support! It helps. Still hurts but yeah. Im sure I'll get over it eventually. The good part is we live in different states, so it will be easy to avoid her. 

    I had to pretty much threaten my SO not to relatiate with any verbal assaults or quite frankly any messages back to the brides husband.  I said "we will not stoop the that. We will walk out of this with our heads high, knowing we tried to be fair and honest. We will not respond at all."

    It is extremely possible the husband did send those messages to me. Based on how it was worded, it sounded more him then her to be honest. Not sure though. I did admit to telling a few people about this to her - so she could see it's not in my head - and this caused probably the most issue - but I outright admitted it so it didn't come out as gossiping and more as - looking for advice. Hence the two friends also being deleted. 

    What is strange she never deleted me from fb. Not yet at least. Everyone else but me. Strange. I wonder why? To check in on me? Should I just unfollow her? 

    The part that is the most offensive is that "weddings are the ultimate test to friendship". Wtf. Like I thought weddings were for committing to your spouse. For celebrating your future life together. For celebrating this moments with those you cherish. Not for testing the loyalty of your friends. I find this offensive beyond measure. I get that I disappointed her and "insulted me by having invalid and weak reasons for not attending this event (the shower)"- but you're right, her expectations were of wack. 

    Also, I did ugly cry after I left and a bit in the bathroom with no one around. I wish I was emotional because I was happy for her. I was like that because realized this was likely the end to be honest. And the reflections of how she was before in the speeches made me contrast who she has become. It was hard to come back from. And maybe it was in my head but I also saw little signs that she was still being cold and stuff. 

    Good thing we are away because we are going to go to a museum and have some delicious desserts later! 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You've been friends for over 20 years and this is the first she's ever acted this way. To me, it's more than coincidence that her H has inserted himself into a lot of what she's been a bitch about. It sounds like her H is calling a lot of the shots, filling her head with nonsense, and telling her what to say. I'm not holding her harmless - she's an adult responsible for herself and this wasn't just one instance of acting like a royal bitch. 

    However, if it were me (and this is just me), I would tell her you're sorry she feels the way that she does, you wish her nothing but happiness, and that you'll always be there for her if she ever needs you. 

    Because from where I'm sitting, this looks kind of like the beginning of a controlling, potentially abusive relationship. Step 1: isolate victim from friends and family..... just saying..
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    southernbelle0915 said:
    You've been friends for over 20 years and this is the first she's ever acted this way. To me, it's more than coincidence that her H has inserted himself into a lot of what she's been a bitch about. It sounds like her H is calling a lot of the shots, filling her head with nonsense, and telling her what to say. I'm not holding her harmless - she's an adult responsible for herself and this wasn't just one instance of acting like a royal bitch. 

    However, if it were me (and this is just me), I would tell her you're sorry she feels the way that she does, you wish her nothing but happiness, and that you'll always be there for her if she ever needs you. 

    Because from where I'm sitting, this looks kind of like the beginning of a controlling, potentially abusive relationship. Step 1: isolate victim from friends and family..... just saying..

    This is such a good point also.  I had forgotten there was mention of the H being controlling.

    I had this happen in my younger days.  My BFF at the time was such an awesome, loving, and supportive person.  We spent a lot of time together.  Then she met this guy who, neither myself nor my b/f cared for, but we loved her and were always pleasant and polite to him for her sake.  Over time, this guy started poisoning my relationship with her.  She became colder and meaner to me.  She started becoming a totally different person.  I tried to maintain our friendship, but it was becoming harder to do and I was hurt by her.

    There was an incident that was the final straw for me.  Although we didn't get in an ugly fight, I did call her out on what she did and how she had hurt and upset me.   We didn't end our friendship that night but, in my own mind, the next contact needed to come from her.  It never did...at least not for two years.

    As it turns out, this guy had been physically and sexually abusing her.  At one point they'd gotten engaged but, fortunately, she found the courage to leave him before they got married.  Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I had done things differently.  I wish I'd stressed in those last days I would always be there for her and help her.  I wish I'd initiated contact, at least once in awhile, even when it seemed like she didn't want my friendship anymore.

    After we got back in touch, we went back to being great friends.  This all happened over 20 years ago and she is still one of my dearest friends. 

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  • knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3fknottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3f member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    Hmmm. I'll admit I do not like the husband. It's been a slow dislike - I started off liking him. He is charismatic and friendly. However, he is also a know it all (kind of condesending and assumes you know nothing). Last time I visited them he challenged me to a topic I'm personally and professionally very knowledgable in. He acted like I was wrong and being stubborn, even though his argument was well, uneducated. That Annoyed me. Bride and actually my SO just stood there cause well, they didn't know what to say. I did stop the argument pretty early on with "let's agree to disagree".

    About 2 years ago when I went to see them he also commented on the fact I needed to leave my hometown and "move on with my life" because it wasn't as cool and interesting as his. He said I was letting my fathers death rule my life. I'm sorry. My dad had passed away like 8 months into this stupid conversation. He also said everyone goes through big things like that and we need to constantly move forward. And no. My way of dealing wasn't moving away from my family. If anything I wanted to be close to them. And I was moving forward. I had finally got a job I wanted and that's when my SO were starting to date. His rude opinions were again annoying. 

    Just recently my SO and I were considering a move to somewhere more "hip"
    i guess and made a statement like "oh we might actually want to visit you guys there". Ugh!!! Not anymore they won't be. 

    Anyways, i have noticed in the past 2 years he almost always is with us and I have also noticed them fighting more. Also if asked about him she isn't allowed to say anything as he prefers to keep things private. 

    However, the part where I'm not sure it's him is this. The MOH is kind of a bitch too and they have been hanging out a lot more and she did a great job at meeting her expectations because she lives there - but they got way closer. (She has since deleted me off fb as well. Meh). I found a lot of the discussions were always between them and I felt like - well the scapegoat. She never cared for me either and she never really tried to communicate with me - so her failure made me look bad. So - I'm not sure if it's that bride is just hanging out with terrible people and is becoming one - or if it is the case of her being controlled or if we just grew apart because in her eyes I disappointed her. Either way I'll just unfollow her but not unfriend her on FB and just leave it as open ended just in case she really is in trouble. Thanks for that opinion. It is definitely a concern now. Do you think that would be fair? 
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  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Yikes, yeah is it too late to send back something like @southernbelle0915 suggested? Juuuuuust to keep that door open between the two of you? I'm so sorry this happened and you have every right to feel hurt and upset. It does kind of sound like your friend might be in a situation where she has less control than she'd like over her life. As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship, the friends I had the longest were the ones he hated the most, and also the first ones I went back to when we split up. Some of them had started to drift away (understandably), and I'm sure I wasn't a good friend the whole time, but things are good now with us. This doesn't excuse your friend's behavior in any way, and no one should treat you like that. But maybe its not all her. Just keep that door open a crack so she knows you still care about her, then leave it at that.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    southernbelle0915 said:
    knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3f said:
    Either way I'll just unfollow her but not unfriend her on FB and just leave it as open ended just in case she really is in trouble......Do you think that would be fair? 
    Sure. I mean, follow her if you want. Or don't. Whatever.

    But it's not like staying FB friends with her is some code for "I'm here for you if you are ever in trouble." You can't really expect her to know that unless you actually communicate it. And I wouldn't say "if you are ever in trouble..." I would say "I'm sorry about this fight and misunderstanding. I wish you nothing but happiness and want you to know I will always be there if you ever need me." That's leaving a door open, if that's what you want to do. Some cryptic Facebook status really doesn't mean anything.
    Not to mention no one else knows if you've hidden them, unfriend them (unless they try and find you or something), or change your status to them; so she really won't get that from staying friends or whatever 
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  • knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3fknottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3f member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2017
    Makes sense. The reason I was just going to let it be is because I left my original message very very open ended. I ended it off on our friendship can still be salvaged if you want it to be but you need to do some reflection and consideration. Balls in her court. Sure she responded in anger. But my original response still stands. 

    She obviously spit fire back - which is why I don't want to message back. I don't want to open the wound on either end again. I've already told her I'm open to our friendship still. So - saying it again in the state she is in likely will just piss everyone off. I was considering blocking and deleting off fb. But because you guys have said she might be in trouble I won't do that anymore. 

    I wanted to delete her because I was constantly being updated with her happy life and I just wanted to heal. I wanted to move forward. I've since decided to unfollow her so that she can still contact me if she changes her mind. 

    Maybe in a few months when the dust settles I'll message her that. I just know any messages to her right now won't be well received. She knows deep down I will always be there for her. I don't need to say it. It was already said. 
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  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3f said:
    Makes sense. The reason I was just going to let it be is because I left my original message very very open ended. I ended it off on our friendship can still be salvaged if you want it to be but you need to do some reflection and consideration. Balls in her court. Sure she responded in anger. But my original response still stands. 

    She obviously spit fire back - which is why I don't want to message back. I don't want to open the wound on either end again. I've already told her I'm open to our friendship still. So - saying it again in the state she is in likely will just piss everyone off. I was considering blocking and deleting off fb. But because you guys have said she might be in trouble I won't do that anymore. 

    I wanted to delete her because I was constantly being updated with her happy life and I just wanted to heal. I wanted to move forward. I've since decided to unfollow her so that she can still contact me if she changes her mind. 

    Maybe in a few months when the dust settles I'll message her that. I just know any messages to her right now won't be well received. She knows deep down I will always be there for her. I don't need to say it. It was already said. 
    I think this is the exact reason why I would respond to her text simply with, "I am sorry you feel that way.  I am here if you need anything."

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