Dear Jane,
I’ve had a rather tough relationship with my mother the last few years. She has undiagnosed anxiety issues that she refuses to talk to a doctor about, and it negatively influenced her parenting when I was a child. I’m grown now with a family of my own and I’ve come to recognize how differently I want to parent my child, causing some resentment toward my mom.
I’ve slowly constructed boundaries and for the most part, she’s respected the space I’ve needed even if she doesn’t realize why. We have a non-substantive relationship—light, fun, and casual. I don’t share personal details or issues with her and I encourage her to have a fun, loving relationship with her granddaughter. I’ll take daytrips to her house or invite her to spend a night at our home every couple of months, which she seems in enjoy, but makes comments like, “Where’s your coffee? Oh, I didn’t know it was there, I haven’t been here in so long!” Or, “Is that a new light fixture? No? Well, how would I know, I’m rarely invited to your home.”
The issue at hand: Mom has invited my family and my brother’s family to join her at the beach for a week next summer. It’s a condo, and she’s convinced that all 8 of us can happily fit in this small space. For a week. With my family. My brother and I get along fine, but we also have a superficial relationship. Mom has shared with me that she has grand plans for this trip and she’s excited to have her whole family with her for a week. I suspect that she’s trying to relive some of our childhood vacation memories from the ’80s and ’90s. Memories I’d rather not relive. This will be mom’s vacation, and I won’t relax at all. I’ll be on guard, hackles up, ready for her onslaught of passive aggressive comments and anxiety-fueled criticisms.
So, what to do. Suck it up and join this trip—do it for my daughter so she can hang with her granny? Maybe booking a separate vacation for my husband and kid for a later date? Or bow out, keeping my boundaries intact, but upsetting my mom.
Signed – Bitching at the Beach