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What is up with dudes writing to Prudie about this stuff?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
I’ve had two specific fantasies since puberty. Now, many years later, I feel my sexuality drying up and blowing away, and I want to check off these two boxes first. Except I am married to a wonderful person, whom I adore! I’ve asked, but she is not interested in these things. I’m not after anything dark or obscure. I could solve this problem for a few hundred dollars while on a business trip and that would be that. I never have, though, as my wife would be crushed if she found out. Is this kind of thing ever OK? How do other people handle this?

–Is This Ever OK?

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Re: What is up with dudes writing to Prudie about this stuff?

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    CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    "solve the problem".  love it.

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    banana468banana468 member
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    If I were the wife I could "solve the problem" with kitchen utensils.

    Or you know, you could understand that you don't get everything that you want.   If that's the case I'd still be begging for that pony. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    So yes, he's an ass for thinking it's okay to cheat on his wife. 

    But, maybe his sexuality is "drying up" because of these deeply unfulfilled needs. If this is something that important he needs to have a real conversation with wife about why it's so important. Not "hey I'd like to try this what do you think", but a "this is affecting my sexuality/desire" and go from there. Maybe it's a hard no for her; if that's the case figure out just how important this is and if it's worth burning don your marriage for. 
    Like she's more vanilla and he's more 50 shades?
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    So yes, he's an ass for thinking it's okay to cheat on his wife. 

    But, maybe his sexuality is "drying up" because of these deeply unfulfilled needs. If this is something that important he needs to have a real conversation with wife about why it's so important. Not "hey I'd like to try this what do you think", but a "this is affecting my sexuality/desire" and go from there. Maybe it's a hard no for her; if that's the case figure out just how important this is and if it's worth burning don your marriage for. 
    Like she's more vanilla and he's more 50 shades?
    Yup. 

    Or he wants to bring someone else in and she's not interested; or he wants to role play and she's not into that; so many possibilities. I'm just curious if denying this fantasy is leading him to not be interested in the type of decision they've been having their whole marriage?
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    missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    He has made through life thus far with these fantasies unfulfilled. Sounds like he is just looking for an excuse by playing the victim. (I am reading it as his sexual drive is waning because of age)

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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    So yes, he's an ass for thinking it's okay to cheat on his wife. 

    But, maybe his sexuality is "drying up" because of these deeply unfulfilled needs. If this is something that important he needs to have a real conversation with wife about why it's so important. Not "hey I'd like to try this what do you think", but a "this is affecting my sexuality/desire" and go from there. Maybe it's a hard no for her; if that's the case figure out just how important this is and if it's worth burning don your marriage for. 
    If it was that important I'm wondering why he didn't indulge in these fantasies when he was single. 

    Once you're married and your spouse says, "Nope, not into that, no thanks", it's too late to check those boxes.
    Agreed. Maybe he thought he'd move on from them, or they'd die out? 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    So yes, he's an ass for thinking it's okay to cheat on his wife. 

    But, maybe his sexuality is "drying up" because of these deeply unfulfilled needs. If this is something that important he needs to have a real conversation with wife about why it's so important. Not "hey I'd like to try this what do you think", but a "this is affecting my sexuality/desire" and go from there. Maybe it's a hard no for her; if that's the case figure out just how important this is and if it's worth burning don your marriage for. 
    If it was that important I'm wondering why he didn't indulge in these fantasies when he was single. 

    Once you're married and your spouse says, "Nope, not into that, no thanks", it's too late to check those boxes.
    I feel in every relationship there are things that are hard no's, and soft no's sexually speaking. {no pun intended :P!}

    Soft no's in my mind are "Never done it before but open to possibly trying X thing."

    Hard no's would be "Not a thing for me. Never happening. You get to ask once and that's it!"
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MissKittyDanger said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    So yes, he's an ass for thinking it's okay to cheat on his wife. 

    But, maybe his sexuality is "drying up" because of these deeply unfulfilled needs. If this is something that important he needs to have a real conversation with wife about why it's so important. Not "hey I'd like to try this what do you think", but a "this is affecting my sexuality/desire" and go from there. Maybe it's a hard no for her; if that's the case figure out just how important this is and if it's worth burning don your marriage for. 
    If it was that important I'm wondering why he didn't indulge in these fantasies when he was single. 

    Once you're married and your spouse says, "Nope, not into that, no thanks", it's too late to check those boxes.
    I feel in every relationship there are things that are hard no's, and soft no's sexually speaking. {no pun intended :P!}

    Soft no's in my mind are "Never done it before but open to possibly trying X thing."

    Hard no's would be "Not a thing for me. Never happening. You get to ask once and that's it!"
    Right, and it sounds like from his letter that these are Hard No's for his wife.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    There was a fantasy I had, and H said no. And I never brought it up again. I haven't even thought about it for months until this thread. Guy needs to get over it. 

    Although, I will say I think people should be willing to indulge their partner even if it's not their thing. Obviously, not if they have serious issues with it (H had a legit reason for not doing my thing), but the LW just says she's "not interested." 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,
    I’ve had two specific fantasies since puberty. Now, many years later, I feel my sexuality drying up and blowing away, and I want to check off these two boxes first. Except I am married to a wonderful person, whom I adore! I’ve asked, but she is not interested in these things. I’m not after anything dark or obscure. I could solve this problem for a few hundred dollars while on a business trip and that would be that. I never have, though, as my wife would be crushed if she found out. Is this kind of thing ever OK? How do other people handle this?

    –Is This Ever OK?

    Yes, if you discuss exploring these fantasies with someone else...to your wife.  And she gives you permission.  Permission with no pressure from you.

    But...uhhh...she might have an unfulfilled fantasy of her own that doesn't involve you at all.  And now you have opened the door.  So prepare yourself for some potential "quid pro quo".

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    kerbohlkerbohl member
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    Does it sound like LW's already planned out cheating on his/her wife?  I mean, the when is figured out and how much it would cost ... has LW been pricing it out?

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2017
    lovesclimbing said:
    There was a fantasy I had, and H said no. And I never brought it up again. I haven't even thought about it for months until this thread. Guy needs to get over it. 

    Although, I will say I think people should be willing to indulge their partner even if it's not their thing. Obviously, not if they have serious issues with it (H had a legit reason for not doing my thing), but the LW just says she's "not interested." 
    Her "I'm not interested," might in fact be something like "I have a serious issue with anal, and therefore I'm not interested" though ;-)

    BTW, there were several posts on r/relationships recently about people whose partner was pressuring them into a kink or fetish they weren't really into, or didn't want to participate in all of the time, or were introduced into the kink w/o their actual consent, etc.  They were very interesting posts.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Sil just announced she's going to be a grandma again. Big sister is holding the pee stick and I'm a little grossed out. At least mom to be will be 18 this time?
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    lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2017
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    lovesclimbing said:
    There was a fantasy I had, and H said no. And I never brought it up again. I haven't even thought about it for months until this thread. Guy needs to get over it. 

    Although, I will say I think people should be willing to indulge their partner even if it's not their thing. Obviously, not if they have serious issues with it (H had a legit reason for not doing my thing), but the LW just says she's "not interested." 
    Her "I'm not interested," might in fact be something like "I have a serious issue with anal, and therefore I'm not interested" though ;-)

    BTW, there were several posts on r/relationships recently about people whose partner was pressuring them into a kink or fetish they weren't really into, or didn't want to participate in all of the time, or were introduced into the kink w/o their actual consent, etc.  They were very interesting posts.
    True, I just didn't necessarily get the vibe from the letter that she explained why, but he didn't go into detail. 

    ETA: and my post was not meant to excuse cheating. Cheating is never ok. Her explaining or lack there of has nothing to do with whether he should cheat or not. 
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