Wedding Woes

Just because you don't understand doesn't mean it's weird or wrong.

Dear Prudence,
I’ve known my friend “B” for around five years. We met as students and had a wonderful companionship through school and still remain close. The only problem is her escalating interest in the cast of a television show, particularly one male actor. It began with a minor interest in the show while we were students. She was going through a rough time personally and began watching; over the years, she has become so obsessed with one of the lead actors that she now spends thousands of dollars to go to conventions across the country, attends related events, and generally finds reasons to be in his neighborhood. They have “coincidentally” met several times, and he was rude to her on multiple occasions. This is only a fraction of what B has done to research, stalk, and meet this actor, who is twice her age. He now recognizes her.

I’ve never spoken to her about how I feel although the whole thing creeps me out. Now she has a group of friends that she met online, and they are all intensely involved in the “fandom,” too. When I have met them, they only discussed said actor, who most recently saw him, and what’s happening in their online community. Many of her pre-fandom friends are ghosting her, including her closest friend from childhood, and I’m considering doing the same. Others have told B that her behavior is odd, and she has responded with anger. Should I tell her that this is why her other friends have stopped speaking to her? (She is completely unaware of the reason they dropped out of her life.) Or should I avoid the confrontation and fade out as well?

—Caught Up in Fandom

Re: Just because you don't understand doesn't mean it's weird or wrong.

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
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    If she's not hurting anyone, what's the problem?  I don't think I've ever met anyone who went this far for a star....but to be honest, I'd probably find it a bit odd.  I wouldn't stop friendship over it though.

    mrsconn23charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    I just don't understand what the problem is.

    If it's something you don't want to deal with, you don't have to be friends with her. On the other hand, it doesn't really seem like it's affecting you, and therefore there's nothing to deal with. She hasn't dragged you into the stalking. You're just weirded out by what she does with her other time. That sounds like a personal problem. If she can't talk about anything else, and you're not interested, try changing the subject and if that doesn't work then stop hanging out with her.

    Anniversary

    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • I feel like LW is asking if it okay to leave a friendship while someone is going under in the deep end. LW seems to be one of the last grasps on reality and s/he doesn’t want to abandon their friend. If this person is spending money they don’t have, encouraged by this group, losing friendship... what’s next? Jobs, housing, then what?
    OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • kvrunskvruns
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
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    This sounds like an old HS friend of mine, hopefully minus the stalking part. Her house is even decorated with pictures of them from the various conventions 
  • So yeah, it's weird. The money, conventions, online community is, IMO, fine and not a big deal. The following him, showing up where is, potentially stalking is crossing a line, but really what is LW going to do about it. If it's too much, just tell her that. 

    Anyone else really want to know who the celebrity is??


    I do!

    But the LW is talking about "years" of watching the show (inferring it's the same show) and an older actor.  So I'm thinking a soap opera which, alas, I know nothing about to even make a guess.

    My older actor crush is Scott Bakula.  But I refrain from stalking him, lol.  Hmmmm...even though he does come to NOLA sometimes to shoot on location for NCIS: New Orleans.

    The LW doesn't really give details as to HOW this obsession is affecting the friendship, though one can make some good guesses.  If he/she is at a "make it or break it" point, I guess it wouldn't hurt to say something and then attempt redirecting conversations.  But it sounds like none of that will help and other friends have already tried.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875
  • Anyone else really want to know who the celebrity is??
    I pictured Richard Gere 
    charlotte989875
  • This sounds creepy to me.  I'd probably ghost her too, TBH.  IDK what else the LW could do besides that.
    kimmiinthemitten
  • kvrunskvruns
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
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    The person I know is into Supernatural and the actor Misha Collins. That show fits for watching for years but not on the twice her age aspect. 
  • kvruns said:
    The person I know is into Supernatural and the actor Misha Collins. That shw fits for watching for years but not on the twice her age aspect.

    SITB:

    I was thinking someone from Supernatural too.  :smile:
    kvrunscharlotte989875justsie
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I think that her behavior has crossed over the line into creepy/concerning. Being involved in fandom I don't personally understand, but I know people that get into it. But it sounds like she's stalking this person. For the actor to know recognize her, they've had to have quite a few interactions. 

    I'd personally let the friendship dissolve, but honestly, before that I'd express concern to her and tell her to seek out a therapist. 

    short+sassylevioosa
  • I was thinking someone from Game of Thrones when LW mentioned conventions (do non-fantasy cable shows have conventions and fandoms?), but the twice her age thing threw me off bc I was thinking Kit H.  
    I'm obviously much more curious about the star than the friendship issue.  Classic growing apart. Supertight in HS/college/grad school and not now. Sounds like a lot of us.  If I were LW I'd give one final "stalking is illegal" warning and then I'd just phase out.
    OliveOilsMomcharlotte989875short+sassy
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I feel like LW is asking if it okay to leave a friendship while someone is going under in the deep end. LW seems to be one of the last grasps on reality and s/he doesn’t want to abandon their friend. If this person is spending money they don’t have, encouraged by this group, losing friendship... what’s next? Jobs, housing, then what?
    I get this. It's a good thing that she cares about her. If she's already planning on letting the friendship go, then maybe explaining why would be a good thing. LW doesn't have any control beyond that. It's unlikely the friend will listen, but on the off chance she does, she won't feel like she just abandoned her.

    Anniversary

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    So thinking of shows that have been on for years and does conventions.  It has to be sci-fi or fantasy related.  I'm thinking Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Agents of Shield, or Supernatural.  I was also thinking Vampire Diaries or Lost, but they have both ended.  If they met in school - around 18, 5 years later is 23.  Its entirely possible that it is a 40 something person, she is obsessed with.  There are lots of 40-somethings on those shows.

    I think LW should address the stalking portion of the fandom because it has transferred from slightly obsessed to stalking.  Then I think LW can go her own way away from crazy friend.

    I work in a town that is full of old Victorian homes and most of the town is money.  Many sports stars from Philly have homes in this town.  I could tell you where some of them live or lived.  But even with my most favorite - Chase Utley - having a house a 20 minute walk from my office, I have never gone there to see if he is home.  If my route naturally takes me past his house, I look to see if he is outside, but I also often forget to keep an eye out for it too! :D

    short+sassy
  • Does LW mean school college or high school? Cuz it could be something like Gossip Girl or The O.C also ....
  • I feel like it's Degrassi. I knew someone in HS who was obsessed with degrassi and went to all the conferences and met all these friends through fandom. It's a super active community apparently, and it's niche enough that you could actually see the actor around and they might recognize you (vs. if it were, say, kit harrington from GOT)
  • GBCKGBCK
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
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    Put me on the supernatural bandwagon.
  • I mean, if this actor is ALL B talks about and LW isn't successful redirecting conversation, the friendship will probably die a natural death anyway. If LW thinks the friendship is worth it and wants to try a more direct approach than redirecting conversation - like "you know B, I'm not that into (actor name) and I've been frustrated that whenever we try to talk about something else, we always come back to him. It makes me feel like you aren't interested in me or our friendship anymore." See what she says and exit stage left if she gets huffy.
    This is probably the wisest way to approach the issue. It shows concern about the friendship rather than being judgmental about her interest. While it isn't LW's business how the friend spends her time and money, it's also understandable that LW would struggle with staying friends with someone who has no other interests and with whom they can no longer talk about anything else. I know I would have trouble keeping that relationship going if I were in LW's shoes. 

    Friend's stalker behavior toward this actor is definitely disturbing, but unfortunately, I suspect she'll have to get herself into a bad situation before she'll stop, and maybe not even then. Talking to her about it probably won't accomplish anything. Personally, I don't understand why she'd continue to obsess over an actor who's been rude to her multiple times, but that's a whole other problem!
    image
    VarunaTTshort+sassy
  • VarunaTT said:
    kvruns said:
    The person I know is into Supernatural and the actor Misha Collins. That shw fits for watching for years but not on the twice her age aspect.

    SITB:

    I was thinking someone from Supernatural too.  :smile:
    So was I!!
    imageimage
  • I have been watching all the Supernatural seasons - I stopped like season 4 for some reason - and I would bet it's this show. When my brother was in the hospital for months he and I would watch the reruns because he was a big fan and after he died I thought it would be fun to see them all.

    I had no idea they have conventions etc until recently and have enjoyed watching some of the online videos of the main actors. But those things cost ridiculous money. To be honest, the last year of my life has been horrid and this has been somewhat of an escape so maybe this person has just gone too far. Also, the main actor who plays Dean is like 40 so that might fit. 
    OliveOilsMom
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