Moms and Maids

My mom broke apart my "father-daughter" dance at my wedding

Hey guys,

Not sure what I’m looking for here because knowing my mom, I already know I’ll never be able to tell her how I feel about what she did, and I know she’ll never apologize, and I know I’ll never be able to get that moment back. I guess I’m just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else. And I definitely need to vent.

With about a minute left to go in my dance with my dad, my dad and I felt our shoulders being tapped, and there was my mom saying “I have to cut in, my turn” or something like that. My first thought when I felt myself being tapped was that I must be on fire or my dress must have torn completely off, because why else would anyone possibly interrupt this brief moment that every little girl dreams of her whole life? She and my dad have been divorced for 12 years but she still hates his guts, and she couldn’t stand the sight of him with me any longer, and she made it known. My dad and I were both stunned. He kind of shuffled off, not wanting to make a scene. I took a few beats to process what was happening, before I exploded with “that was really f*&#ing rude,” to which she replied, “hahahahaha I know hahahahahaha but why should he get the whole song with you!” At that point, I couldn’t take it anymore and was going to cry, but I knew that everyone was watching this happen, so I just walked off the floor and thankfully the DJ noticed what was happening and knew to end the song early.

I did everything I possibly could to incorporate her in the wedding; I had her walk me down the aisle with him, my new husband and I presented her with a gold plated rose during the ceremony… When she demanded that she needed a front row seat at the ceremony, but that my father wasn’t allowed to be in the same row – he had to sit in the 2nd one – I said ok. I picked my battles with her. When she demanded that I put his table at the reception as far from hers as possible (“let me see the seating chart – where is he sitting – no that’s too close – put him in this corner by the serving station behind the giant pillar so he won’t be able to see anything all night) – fine. I know it’s hard for her to see him and be around him. I also know she’s the type to throw tantrums with me and make scenes, so I probably gave in to her whims more than I should have throughout the entire planning process, just to keep some semblance of peace. Maybe I should have been more firm let her know how important this day was to me, and maybe I should have asked her to put her differences aside for me just for one day so that I could enjoy being a daughter to both of my parents for one more time on the most important day of my life. I know I am partly to blame for what happened because I set the tone that enabled her to take command of that special moment with my father, made more special to me by the fact of our own strained relationship over the years. It kills me that I’ll never get that time with him back, that she couldn’t suck up her pride for 60 more seconds to let me have that. I want so badly to let go of these feelings and move on, because I know I’ll never make any progress talking to her about it. I’ve already heard through my brother that she thinks what she did was completely justified, and when he tried to argue, things got nasty as we both expected.

Anyway, if you’ve made it this far thanks for listening <3

«1

Re: My mom broke apart my "father-daughter" dance at my wedding

  • That's rough :( Really sorry to hear what happened.

    I agree with above, you should mention something. It'll be worth it enough for you to voice your feelings so she knows how you feel. Like above, you may not get the response you want but it's better than holding it in.

    100% hold on to the moments you had with your dance with your dad, I would do anything to have that moment.

    Congrats on getting married though! <3
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • Since she's not really a "listener" I would write her a letter. Tell her everything you said here and how it made you feel. Tell her you want an apology. You deserve one and her pride getting in the way of that shouldn't become your problem. 

    btw - I almost can't believe she did this. SO BOLD. Like so, so bold. If she had wanted her own spotlight dance with you, she should have asked. You probably would have said "of course" and let her pick the song. But to cut into the dance with your dad and the song that y'all picked is just....I can't. 
    All of this.

    I guess at this point what are you wanting in a relationship with your mom?  What she did wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me but if it's a pattern of behavior I'd be frank about where she stood.

    I'm sorry.   This makes me angry for you but I would hope you can be specific to your mom that there's a consequence for her actions.

    Focus on the good dance portion you had with your dad. 
    OliveOilsMomSP29ahoywedding
  • I second what PP say but also give your dad an extra hug for being so flexible and understanding.

    my mom wasn’t so bad but my dad was a saint in dealing with her (they’ve been divorced for 20+ years) during the wedding weekend. I thought of making him a medal.
    OurWildKingdom
  • Hey guys,

    Not sure what I’m looking for here because knowing my mom, I already know I’ll never be able to tell her how I feel about what she did, and I know she’ll never apologize, and I know I’ll never be able to get that moment back. I guess I’m just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else. And I definitely need to vent.

    With about a minute left to go in my dance with my dad, my dad and I felt our shoulders being tapped, and there was my mom saying “I have to cut in, my turn” or something like that. My first thought when I felt myself being tapped was that I must be on fire or my dress must have torn completely off, because why else would anyone possibly interrupt this brief moment that every little girl dreams of her whole life? She and my dad have been divorced for 12 years but she still hates his guts, and she couldn’t stand the sight of him with me any longer, and she made it known. My dad and I were both stunned. He kind of shuffled off, not wanting to make a scene. I took a few beats to process what was happening, before I exploded with “that was really f*&#ing rude,” to which she replied, “hahahahaha I know hahahahahaha but why should he get the whole song with you!” At that point, I couldn’t take it anymore and was going to cry, but I knew that everyone was watching this happen, so I just walked off the floor and thankfully the DJ noticed what was happening and knew to end the song early.

    I did everything I possibly could to incorporate her in the wedding; I had her walk me down the aisle with him, my new husband and I presented her with a gold plated rose during the ceremony… When she demanded that she needed a front row seat at the ceremony, but that my father wasn’t allowed to be in the same row – he had to sit in the 2nd one – I said ok. I picked my battles with her. When she demanded that I put his table at the reception as far from hers as possible (“let me see the seating chart – where is he sitting – no that’s too close – put him in this corner by the serving station behind the giant pillar so he won’t be able to see anything all night) – fine. I know it’s hard for her to see him and be around him. I also know she’s the type to throw tantrums with me and make scenes, so I probably gave in to her whims more than I should have throughout the entire planning process, just to keep some semblance of peace. Maybe I should have been more firm let her know how important this day was to me, and maybe I should have asked her to put her differences aside for me just for one day so that I could enjoy being a daughter to both of my parents for one more time on the most important day of my life. I know I am partly to blame for what happened because I set the tone that enabled her to take command of that special moment with my father, made more special to me by the fact of our own strained relationship over the years. It kills me that I’ll never get that time with him back, that she couldn’t suck up her pride for 60 more seconds to let me have that. I want so badly to let go of these feelings and move on, because I know I’ll never make any progress talking to her about it. I’ve already heard through my brother that she thinks what she did was completely justified, and when he tried to argue, things got nasty as we both expected.

    Anyway, if you’ve made it this far thanks for listening <3

    I agree with everything, this all sucks and your mom is an ass for doing this to you. The drama she has for him has nothing to do with you. Even though she won't apologize I do think, for your own good, you should write her a letter/email/or talk to her and tell her how you feel about this. 

    In the future definitely work on setting boundaries with her. It sounds like you give in a lot just to keep the peace (which is understandable), but it also means she's going to keep having tantrums because it gets her what she wants.
    short+sassy
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited October 5
    It sounds to me like your Mom desperately needs attention.  I'm guessing that she is in denial that she did anything wrong.  I doubt you will ever get an apology, but you can try.  Don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen.  Your Mom sounds very sad.  Sorry you had to deal with this.
    Do some research on narcissistic personality disorder.  This all sounds very familiar.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    short+sassy
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    Hey guys,

    Not sure what I’m looking for here because knowing my mom, I already know I’ll never be able to tell her how I feel about what she did, and I know she’ll never apologize, and I know I’ll never be able to get that moment back. I guess I’m just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else. And I definitely need to vent.

    With about a minute left to go in my dance with my dad, my dad and I felt our shoulders being tapped, and there was my mom saying “I have to cut in, my turn” or something like that. My first thought when I felt myself being tapped was that I must be on fire or my dress must have torn completely off, because why else would anyone possibly interrupt this brief moment that every little girl dreams of her whole life? She and my dad have been divorced for 12 years but she still hates his guts, and she couldn’t stand the sight of him with me any longer, and she made it known. My dad and I were both stunned. He kind of shuffled off, not wanting to make a scene. I took a few beats to process what was happening, before I exploded with “that was really f*&#ing rude,” to which she replied, “hahahahaha I know hahahahahaha but why should he get the whole song with you!” At that point, I couldn’t take it anymore and was going to cry, but I knew that everyone was watching this happen, so I just walked off the floor and thankfully the DJ noticed what was happening and knew to end the song early.

    I did everything I possibly could to incorporate her in the wedding; I had her walk me down the aisle with him, my new husband and I presented her with a gold plated rose during the ceremony… When she demanded that she needed a front row seat at the ceremony, but that my father wasn’t allowed to be in the same row – he had to sit in the 2nd one – I said ok. I picked my battles with her. When she demanded that I put his table at the reception as far from hers as possible (“let me see the seating chart – where is he sitting – no that’s too close – put him in this corner by the serving station behind the giant pillar so he won’t be able to see anything all night) – fine. I know it’s hard for her to see him and be around him. I also know she’s the type to throw tantrums with me and make scenes, so I probably gave in to her whims more than I should have throughout the entire planning process, just to keep some semblance of peace. Maybe I should have been more firm let her know how important this day was to me, and maybe I should have asked her to put her differences aside for me just for one day so that I could enjoy being a daughter to both of my parents for one more time on the most important day of my life. I know I am partly to blame for what happened because I set the tone that enabled her to take command of that special moment with my father, made more special to me by the fact of our own strained relationship over the years. It kills me that I’ll never get that time with him back, that she couldn’t suck up her pride for 60 more seconds to let me have that. I want so badly to let go of these feelings and move on, because I know I’ll never make any progress talking to her about it. I’ve already heard through my brother that she thinks what she did was completely justified, and when he tried to argue, things got nasty as we both expected.

    Anyway, if you’ve made it this far thanks for listening <3

    This is awful. Some people are just incapable of making situations not about them. 

    I know you love your mom, but I would take a giant step back from this relationship for your own well being. 

    I would write her an email saying what you outlined here. She is selfish. It's all about her feelings and her needs, not yours. And until she is capable of showing you that she will consider your feelings, you aren't going to invest emotionally in the relationship. 

    Stop setting yourself up for disappointment. I would also go to a therapist to help with the anger about the dance specifically. It's valid, but you don't want to carry it around. 
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    I would tell her directly how you feel about this. Don't use a letter or email, because assuming she opens it, she will stop reading as soon as she sees that you are accusing her of rudeness.

    But don't expect your conversation with her to be much more than a vent. She's totally lacking in empathy and nothing you say to her will make her change, at least not overnight.

    In fact, I'd consider putting some distance between you and your mother for now, until you can get through the anger you are feeling about what she did and can handle calmly whatever she does in the future. I also recommend professional counseling.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    That's really terrible,

    OP. I like the letter idea. You will get to say everything you need to say. Don't hold back. Let her know that she won't be seeing you until she apologized and from now on, you won't be accommodating her wishes in regards to your dad's presence at family events. 

    Maybe you could create another special moment with your dad - invite him to your place to look over the wedding pics and have dinner or take him to a game or concert. 

    Enjoy your break from mom.
                
    downtondivaOurWildKingdomcharlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited October 6
    I am the daughter of a NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) mother.  I think you should read this book, possibly available at your public library.  It has helped many people.  Will I Ever Be Good Enough?:Healing the Daughters of Narcissisitic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride.
    Only someone with NPD would do what your other did at your wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    CMGragain said:
    I am the daughter of a NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) mother.  I think you should read this book, possibly available at your public library.  It has helped many people.  Will I Ever Be Good Enough?:Healing the Daughters of Narcissisitic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride.
    Only someone with NPD would do what your other did at your wedding.
    Please. Stop. It's one thing to recommend a book, but another to tell OP that her mom has an actual personality disorder.

    Look, everyone knows that your mom has shaped the lens through which you view  basically everyone's posts on TK. But it's not appropriate for someone who is not a mental health professional to diagnose someone with a personality disorder from an internet post. 
    I have to agree with @southernbelle0915. It is an overgeneralization that "only someone with NPD would do what the OP's mother did at her wedding."

    Please stop with the armchair diagnoses of NPD. You witnessed one case of it, and it is not true that all cases of outstanding dickdom are the result of NPD. They result from any number of causes.
    InLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    OP - I'm so sorry this happened to you.  I'm glad that you did stop the dance though, even with you walking away, that was standing up to your mom in the most graceful of ways with all eyes on you.  So hold onto that.

    I think you should seek some counseling to learn ways to deal with your mom, if you want to consider a continued relationship with her.  Has she always been this way, or do these actions just manifest themselves against your dad?

    I also vote, go petty by framing one of the pictures of you with your dad dancing at your house!

    CMGragaincharlotte989875
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited October 6
    In my defense, NPD  is very consistent with the behavior of OP's mother.  My own mother was not my only contact with this.  It runs in families.  :(    I would hesitate to recommend this book to anyone dealing with other issues, but it is a wonderful help and a wake up call for those who deal with NPD.  My oncologist read it (her own family issues) on my recommendation, and she thought it was wonderful.  Ditto other members of my family who also dealt with this.

    I completely agree with @OliveOilsMom .  OP, please get counseling!  You need help to deal with your family issues, and they can spill over to your own family if you have children!   Best wishes!

    PS.  It can be an amazing awakening to find out that it isn't YOU, it's your family.  Then you have to learn new ways of coping.  This is why you need a therapist.  Please do this!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragain said:
    In my defense, NPD  is very consistent with the behavior of OP's mother.  My own mother was not my only contact with this.  It runs in families.  :(    I would hesitate to recommend this book to anyone dealing with other issues, but it is a wonderful help and a wake up call for those who deal with NPD.  My oncologist read it (her own family issues) on my recommendation, and she thought it was wonderful.  Ditto other members of my family who also dealt with this.

    I completely agree with @OliveOilsMom .  OP, please get counseling!  You need help to deal with your family issues, and they can spill over to your own family if you have children!   Best wishes!

    PS.  It can be an amazing awakening to find out that it isn't YOU, it's your family.  Then you have to learn new ways of coping.  This is why you need a therapist.  Please do this!
    Image result for missing the point gif
    The book recommendation is fine. I'm sure it's helpful to people whose family members actually have NPD and to people who have merely self-centered parents.

    However, you continually cross the line to say "X must have NPD." I don't care how much you know about it and how much contact you've had with it. You're not qualified to make that sort of statement, and honestly, neither is an actual mental health professional going to make that statement based solely on a secondhand description on the internet.
    Yes yes yes. Please stop armchair diagnosing a serious personality disorder. You and I have had this discussion before, but one situation where you are told by a second party a situation is not nearly enough criteria for a PERSONALITY DISORDER. You may feel that having a "label" for this person helps you (CMG) better understand what is happening, but that does not mean that this is always applicable. I cannot think of an instance in which a person has mentioned their family acting like an ass (sorry OP, but I do feel like your mother acted like an ass in this instance) where you didn't suggest NPD.

    For the sake of mental health professionals everywhere, please. stop. 
    image
    InLoveInQueenssouthernbelle0915climbingwifeahoywedding
  • I will continue to suggest this book to anyone who might benefit from it.  I want to help people.  No, I will not stop suggesting it to people I think it might help.
    Not going to happen.  Sorry if you don't like it.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your kind words and advice. I still don't know if or how I could confront her about it, even though it's eating me up. She's done plenty of things to hurt me in the past but never once apologized, so I almost feel like it would be useless on my part, and just setting myself up to be the subject of more of her agression since I know it will turn into some twisted fight over why she thinks she was really justified in cutting in. I know I just need to let go of it for my own benefit. Therapy is a good idea, I appreciate that suggestion from many of you and I'm going to look into that this week.

    As far as her having NPD, she doesn't fit the bill for it whatsoever. She is a little nutty, but for different reasons. She is impulsive and has trouble admitting fault, but she is also one of the most loving and empathetic people I know, and as monstrous as this story makes her sound, my mom is an amazing woman and she has been my biggest cheerleader and supporter my entire life. We've had plenty of problems, and I moved out when I was 17 because of them - but I don't believe her negative qualities should in any way diminish her positive ones. I know she would always take my side and have my back, but once in a while her own psychological issues cause her to go a little haywire and she just can't help herself. It might sound like I'm making more excuses for her, but all I know is that you can't change people, all you can control is your response to them. So I guess that is where the therapy will hopefully come into play for me.

    Thank you all again, I appreciate everyone's input so much. It's nice to know I'm not overreacting at least haha!
    flantasticclimbingwifeshort+sassycharlotte989875
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your kind words and advice. I still don't know if or how I could confront her about it, even though it's eating me up. She's done plenty of things to hurt me in the past but never once apologized, so I almost feel like it would be useless on my part, and just setting myself up to be the subject of more of her agression since I know it will turn into some twisted fight over why she thinks she was really justified in cutting in. I know I just need to let go of it for my own benefit. Therapy is a good idea, I appreciate that suggestion from many of you and I'm going to look into that this week.

    As far as her having NPD, she doesn't fit the bill for it whatsoever. She is a little nutty, but for different reasons. She is impulsive and has trouble admitting fault, but she is also one of the most loving and empathetic people I know, and as monstrous as this story makes her sound, my mom is an amazing woman and she has been my biggest cheerleader and supporter my entire life. We've had plenty of problems, and I moved out when I was 17 because of them - but I don't believe her negative qualities should in any way diminish her positive ones. I know she would always take my side and have my back, but once in a while her own psychological issues cause her to go a little haywire and she just can't help herself. It might sound like I'm making more excuses for her, but all I know is that you can't change people, all you can control is your response to them. So I guess that is where the therapy will hopefully come into play for me.

    Thank you all again, I appreciate everyone's input so much. It's nice to know I'm not overreacting at least haha!
    Good luck! I'm glad to hear she's not all monster, at least for your sake, because while that makes the solution more complicated, it also means that your life as a whole has probably been better. I appreciate that you have a balanced perspective even as you are very rightfully upset over her actions and willing to stand up for yourself.


    CMG, no one cares what books you recommend. You are (I suspect purposely) being obtuse.

    Anniversary

    ahoywedding
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited October 7
    Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your kind words and advice. I still don't know if or how I could confront her about it, even though it's eating me up. She's done plenty of things to hurt me in the past but never once apologized, so I almost feel like it would be useless on my part, and just setting myself up to be the subject of more of her agression since I know it will turn into some twisted fight over why she thinks she was really justified in cutting in. I know I just need to let go of it for my own benefit. Therapy is a good idea, I appreciate that suggestion from many of you and I'm going to look into that this week.

    As far as her having NPD, she doesn't fit the bill for it whatsoever. She is a little nutty, but for different reasons. She is impulsive and has trouble admitting fault, but she is also one of the most loving and empathetic people I know, and as monstrous as this story makes her sound, my mom is an amazing woman and she has been my biggest cheerleader and supporter my entire life. We've had plenty of problems, and I moved out when I was 17 because of them - but I don't believe her negative qualities should in any way diminish her positive ones. I know she would always take my side and have my back, but once in a while her own psychological issues cause her to go a little haywire and she just can't help herself. It might sound like I'm making more excuses for her, but all I know is that you can't change people, all you can control is your response to them. So I guess that is where the therapy will hopefully come into play for me.

    Thank you all again, I appreciate everyone's input so much. It's nice to know I'm not overreacting at least haha!
    I am so happy to hear that you don't have to deal with NPD!  I still think you should investigate counseling, though.  Your Mom stepped way over the line at your reception, and I suspect there are other issues.  Counseling can be very helpful, and I am so glad that you are open to it.
    Best wishes for your future!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • OP - if it's any consolation - my husband cut our first dance off early - because quite frankly he sucks at dancing and refused any suggestions from everyone to just take a class or two just to learn even a basic polka/waltz.  So there's me excited for "my moment" to twirl in my gown to one of my absolute favorite songs (he picked the WP dance I picked the first dance and both agreed to the other's choice)... and DH not even capable of rocking TF back and forth for even half the song... 

    As for your Mom, you need to recognize your role is greater than you already realized, but more importantly, you need to set better boundaries for the future knowing she's NOT going to make it easy on you.  If she has a problem being near him, the she can choose her seat in the back of the room without interrupting his, EVER again.  SHE is making a choice not to behave like an adult, STOP enabling the behavior you do not want to experience ever again.  This is especially important if you're going to have kids and/or family holidays at your house for what the ground rules are.  And, you need to stick with "Your house your rules!" because all the things you mentioned were woefully inappropriate as was your signing off on them for the sake of being the peacemaker.  It's o.k. to NOT be the peacemaker and be the adult when your Mom is acting like a .. 


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    short+sassySP29
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited October 8
    Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your kind words and advice. I still don't know if or how I could confront her about it, even though it's eating me up. She's done plenty of things to hurt me in the past but never once apologized, so I almost feel like it would be useless on my part, and just setting myself up to be the subject of more of her agression since I know it will turn into some twisted fight over why she thinks she was really justified in cutting in. I know I just need to let go of it for my own benefit. Therapy is a good idea, I appreciate that suggestion from many of you and I'm going to look into that this week.

    As far as her having NPD, she doesn't fit the bill for it whatsoever. She is a little nutty, but for different reasons. She is impulsive and has trouble admitting fault, but she is also one of the most loving and empathetic people I know, and as monstrous as this story makes her sound, my mom is an amazing woman and she has been my biggest cheerleader and supporter my entire life. We've had plenty of problems, and I moved out when I was 17 because of them - but I don't believe her negative qualities should in any way diminish her positive ones. I know she would always take my side and have my back, but once in a while her own psychological issues cause her to go a little haywire and she just can't help herself. It might sound like I'm making more excuses for her, but all I know is that you can't change people, all you can control is your response to them. So I guess that is where the therapy will hopefully come into play for me.

    Thank you all again, I appreciate everyone's input so much. It's nice to know I'm not overreacting at least haha!
    I'm sorry, but nothing you said in this post or your initial post sounds like your mother is empathetic. Your words went beyond a description of someone "a little nutty", and her actions, as described by you, made her sound like a lifelong self absorbed, cruel, and unapologetic bully. 

    We can only respond to what we read.  Although I agree that we should be cautious in throwing out terms and diagnoses, your original descriptions painted a completely different picture. 

    CMGragaindowntondivaSP29nightnerd
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