Wedding Woes

Am i going crazy?

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Re: Am i going crazy?

  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2017
    Wow.  Glad you trusted your gut.  

      I have admit my first thought was the aunt not the 21 year old employee.     I mean, who hangs out with their niece's married boss?  Invited by a contracted IT guy when the office is closed to boot?     Pretty lame explanation if you ask me.

    I think therapy is in order.  He is putting the blame on you for HIS behavior and that isn't right at all.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • How can you feel passionate when you get left with all of the duties for your son?  I would feel too tired to do anything other than a quick kiss goodnight to my husband if I had to take the lead on DD all the time.

      Where is your me time?  I think you may also be more willing for passion, when you get more help from him.

    Sorry to see the update @kaos16 and do not listen to his BS on blaming you. That is also my H's tactic, and while I know it is part of his defense mechanisms, it can mess with you. While we all have responsibility to do our part you did not cause this.

    I snipped out the quote above because this is me to a T. My H did not take to fatherhood well and enough things were said/done for me not to feel comfortable with him being the caregiver alone. So I do 99% of childcare and there is 0 passion or love and I know that make him mad that I feel almost nothing positive toward him but right now I can't change it. I can't show love/passion when I'm doing it all myself and there is no time or energy left for the person who is causing all of my stress. I've told him before that until he is able to step up and actually be a father there isn't going to be any love for him beyond what little I can muster because of the resentment toward the situation he's put  me in.  
  • kaos16 said:

    I appreciate all of you lovely people taking the time to discuss this with me.  I don't have a lot of close friends who aren't part of married couples that we are both friends with so, as you can imagine, it would be an awkward thing to work through with one of them.

    I think boundaries at work are going to be a big part of how this works going forward.  He wants to have a "fun" work environment which I get, but you can have fun, laugh and get along, while still being professional.  Even from just a financial standpoint, I've told him that I'm not comfortable with him buying lunch for the whole office everyday (usually 3 people) and I don't care that his secretary will just eat a ramen if he doesn't get her lunch. . . . she's an adult, that's on her.

    I explained to my husband that maybe some of his perceived lack of passion comes from an insecurity about carrying some extra weight currently.  He has mentioned wanting to lose weight a number of times.  Mind you, he is over 6 feet tall and thinks he is maybe 20 lbs overweight.  He is sexy as hell at this size, or when he is a few pounds lighter, so this is a nonissue to me.  i'll see how he processes that idea.

    We also discussed the possibility of therapy, either together, separate, or both.

    In addition to therapy, I'd look into him seeing some kind of a financial / business management specialist.    That may also help curtail some of the slush fund spending.   
  • I am so sorry @kaos16.  He is not treating you or his business with any sort of respect.  He needs to work on respecting you first and some of the business stuff will come.  Respecting you means, a clear line between boss and coworkers. 

    Buying lunch, clothing,  happy hours...  I hate to bring it up, but is his business making that much money to do this? 
  • Yeah, he definitely needs a real idea of what is and is not his business with respect to his employees. Whether they need a suit - not his business. What they eat for lunch - not his business. If they need new clothes and can't afford them on the salary he's paying, then said subordinate needs to reevaluate their own finances or to ask for a raise.

    Really echo @Ro041 on improving his time management too so he can contribute to the house, and the kid, and in general be the sort of husband one might feel passionate about. Not having about post-work happy hour or weird after-hours time "hanging out" at the office should help him find some time.
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2017
    I'm sorry, but his response is WRONG! When he feels the passion going, the correct response is not "Hey, next pretty lady I see, how YOU doin'?" The correct response is, "kaos, I feel like the passion is going out of our relationship. What can >>>WE<<< do to change that?"

    I need romance to be passionate, and my husband and I have discussed this. We've basically had the conversation above. My husband sometimes says it feels like we're just roommates. Well, it's hard for me to get in the mood when we're "just roommates" who have sex. My husband needs to "emotionally cheat" with me. Send me flirty text messages to let me know you're thinking of me while you're at work. Take me out to lunch. Take me out to drinks. Buy me gifts. 

    How in the world does he expect the passion to get better if he's spending all his emotional energy on someone else? What the what?! That makes literally no sense at all!!!

    ETA: I have a four-month-old. It's even more important to work on being close when you have children. I'm a SAHM so I need him to come home and help with her. I love her, but at the end of the day, I just need to plop her on him and not have to hold her for a bit!
  • 6fsn said:
    I am so sorry @kaos16.  He is not treating you or his business with any sort of respect.  He needs to work on respecting you first and some of the business stuff will come.  Respecting you means, a clear line between boss and coworkers. 

    Buying lunch, clothing,  happy hours...  I hate to bring it up, but is his business making that much money to do this? 
    That's why I'd love to have him see someone in financial management.   Is he paying the monthly bills?   Does he need small business loans?   What is he able to take home monthly and put into some kind of a retirement fund?    
  • @kaos16 I’m sorry to hear your gut instinct was right. Completely agree with PPs that you are not responsible for his emotional cheating and that he also bears responsibility for bringing passion back into your relationship. 
  • @banana468 - and what is their child's college fund looking like?  Years of daily lunches for 3 people would be tens of thousands of dollars in a fund once baby kaos is old enough to be considering college/trade school/etc.  

    Not that I necessarily feel like a supervisor shouldn't ever treat subordinates occasionally.  However, daily is seriously extreme.  

  • I've been creeping on this thread and just now saw the "update". What. The. Fuck? I'm so sorry kaos. As if you don't already have enough on your plate with picking up slack at home and caring for a toddler. Seriously devastating. 

    Are you SURE the late night at the office with the cheating IT guy, the 21 y/o office flirt, and the woman with whom he's been having an emotional affair was computer work and hanging out? Because it sure as shit doesn't sound like it. He needs to lay it all out on the table - ANYTHING that happened. EVERYTHING that happened. If he truly wants to work on y'alls marriage, full honesty is a good place to start. If he's cheated, you need to know. I'm not trying to add fuel to the fire, but I almost think it's naive to think that nothing happened. 
    100% agree.  But also, and i think even @kaos16 agrees to this too, he already has cheated.  Emotionally.

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