inviting that guy

[Deleted User] · October 2017

I am wondering what the etiquette on this is. My mothers eldest brother has two sons both married and have children of there own. This is an especially dramatic family as a whole ALWAYS causing some problem within the family. I plan on inviting my uncle his wife and eldest son, but the younger son has been more than inappropriate with me (I'd rather not describe how) and at other family events. At his brother's sons birthday, one of my other uncles bumped into him while dancing and cousin ended up spilling his drink on his wife. Cousin is clearly pissed, but we didn't think he'd do anything. Ten minutes later, he goes and hugs the uncle who bumped into him and then pours a glass of wine down his back. That is just one example of the shitty things he's done. I really don't want to invite him. In fact, I've stated this to my mom several times (she doesn't know about his inappropriate actions) but I'm pretty sure she thinks I will change my mind. I don't talk to this cousin and haven't in years but I do see him at family events.

Questions are: How do I explain to her that he's not invited? How do I make it clear that he's not invited (he lives with his mother and father)? As a note, in our culture people tend to just show up to weddings/parties with or without explicit invitations.

charlotte989875 · October 2017

knottied049ec2b010ac0d1 said:

I am wondering what the etiquette on this is. My mothers eldest brother has two sons both married and have children of there own. This is an especially dramatic family as a whole ALWAYS causing some problem within the family. I plan on inviting my uncle his wife and eldest son, but the younger son has been more than inappropriate with me (I'd rather not describe how) and at other family events. At his brother's sons birthday, one of my other uncles bumped into him while dancing and cousin ended up spilling his drink on his wife. Cousin is clearly pissed, but we didn't think he'd do anything. Ten minutes later, he goes and hugs the uncle who bumped into him and then pours a glass of wine down his back. That is just one example of the shitty things he's done. I really don't want to invite him. In fact, I've stated this to my mom several times (she doesn't know about his inappropriate actions) but I'm pretty sure she thinks I will change my mind. I don't talk to this cousin and haven't in years but I do see him at family events.

Questions are: How do I explain to her that he's not invited? How do I make it clear that he's not invited (he lives with his mother and father)? As a note, in our culture people tend to just show up to weddings/parties with or without explicit invitations.

He's an adult, you do not have to invite him if you do not want to. Is your mother paying for the wedding, and does she insist on inviting him? That would complicate my answer here a bit. If she's paying she does get a say in the guest list, but you also shouldn't have to have someone at your wedding who has acted inappropriately. What would be the fallout if you do not invite him?

To answer your specific questions; 1) you never tell anyone the are not invited. You just do not send them an invitation. 2) Even if he lives with his parents, make the invitation out to only those people who are invited. If he asks if he is invited (or if his parents ask) politely say the invitation was only for the people who it was addressed to and that you will not be accommodating additional guests at this time.

ahoywedding · October 2017

So....if the rest of the family and the rest of your cousins are invited, it may be awkward to not invite this one cousin. The exception would be if there's a real threat of violence against you or other guests. Pouring a glass of wine on someone doesn't really constitute that. In that case, I'd let the bartenders and venue security know so they can escort him out if need be.

That being said, does his family know he's been inappropriate in the past? Or do they understand he sometimes behaves inappropriately? Without knowing what he's done to you, its hard to say for sure.

MyNameIsNot · October 2017

knottied049ec2b010ac0d1 said:

I am wondering what the etiquette on this is. My mothers eldest brother has two sons both married and have children of there own. This is an especially dramatic family as a whole ALWAYS causing some problem within the family. I plan on inviting my uncle his wife and eldest son, but the younger son has been more than inappropriate with me (I'd rather not describe how) and at other family events. At his brother's sons birthday, one of my other uncles bumped into him while dancing and cousin ended up spilling his drink on his wife. Cousin is clearly pissed, but we didn't think he'd do anything. Ten minutes later, he goes and hugs the uncle who bumped into him and then pours a glass of wine down his back. That is just one example of the shitty things he's done. I really don't want to invite him. In fact, I've stated this to my mom several times (she doesn't know about his inappropriate actions) but I'm pretty sure she thinks I will change my mind. I don't talk to this cousin and haven't in years but I do see him at family events.

Questions are: How do I explain to her that he's not invited? How do I make it clear that he's not invited (he lives with his mother and father)? As a note, in our culture people tend to just show up to weddings/parties with or without explicit invitations.

There is no etiquette rule that says you have to invite all/none cousins or adult siblings of a family. According to etiquette, you are 100% in the clear to invite your uncle and only one adult cousin. It would be dicey if the cousins were children, but they're grown.

Family dynamics are a whole other thing, though. If you invite one cousin and exclude his brother, you are sending a clear message to both the cousin and to your family as a whole. You will likely get questions about it, and there may be additional family fall out. (In my family, my parents and I would refuse to attend a family wedding where my sister and her family were excluded, and no one would be quiet it.) Only you can decide whether you're willing to deal with the fall out and whether it is worth excluding this cousin. You may be putting yourself in a situation where you feel forced to make public his inappropriate actions, and even then, if the family doesn't consider them "severe enough" they paint you as the bad guy.

With your mother, you should sit down and explain all the inappropriate things he's done, even if it's embarrassing to you. I'd focus on the things that made you feel unsafe/uncomfortable, rather than things he's done to other people. You don't have to convince her that it's the right thing (unless she's paying), but it will help her to see your perspective.

If you do decide to exclude him, you just don't mail him an invitation and you don't put his name on anyone else's. Regardless of where he lives, he would get his own invitation (with his own s/o and children), as he is an adult. Have all your guests RSVP and spread the word that you'll have a seating chart and won't be able to accommodate uninvited or surprise guests.

lyndausvi · October 2017

MyNameIsNot said:

knottied049ec2b010ac0d1 said:

I am wondering what the etiquette on this is. My mothers eldest brother has two sons both married and have children of there own. This is an especially dramatic family as a whole ALWAYS causing some problem within the family. I plan on inviting my uncle his wife and eldest son, but the younger son has been more than inappropriate with me (I'd rather not describe how) and at other family events. At his brother's sons birthday, one of my other uncles bumped into him while dancing and cousin ended up spilling his drink on his wife. Cousin is clearly pissed, but we didn't think he'd do anything. Ten minutes later, he goes and hugs the uncle who bumped into him and then pours a glass of wine down his back. That is just one example of the shitty things he's done. I really don't want to invite him. In fact, I've stated this to my mom several times (she doesn't know about his inappropriate actions) but I'm pretty sure she thinks I will change my mind. I don't talk to this cousin and haven't in years but I do see him at family events.

Questions are: How do I explain to her that he's not invited? How do I make it clear that he's not invited (he lives with his mother and father)? As a note, in our culture people tend to just show up to weddings/parties with or without explicit invitations.

There is no etiquette rule that says you have to invite all/none cousins or adult siblings of a family. According to etiquette, you are 100% in the clear to invite your uncle and only one adult cousin. It would be dicey if the cousins were children, but they're grown.

Family dynamics are a whole other thing, though. If you invite one cousin and exclude his brother, you are sending a clear message to both the cousin and to your family as a whole. You will likely get questions about it, and there may be additional family fall out. (In my family, my parents and I would refuse to attend a family wedding where my sister and her family were excluded, and no one would be quiet it.) Only you can decide whether you're willing to deal with the fall out and whether it is worth excluding this cousin. You may be putting yourself in a situation where you feel forced to make public his inappropriate actions, and even then, if the family doesn't consider them "severe enough" they paint you as the bad guy.

With your mother, you should sit down and explain all the inappropriate things he's done, even if it's embarrassing to you. I'd focus on the things that made you feel unsafe/uncomfortable, rather than things he's done to other people. You don't have to convince her that it's the right thing (unless she's paying), but it will help her to see your perspective.

If you do decide to exclude him, you just don't mail him an invitation and you don't put his name on anyone else's. Regardless of where he lives, he would get his own invitation (with his own s/o and children), as he is an adult. Have all your guests RSVP and spread the word that you'll have a seating chart and won't be able to accommodate uninvited or surprise guests.

This. Etiquette wise you are in the clear. Family dynamic wise? That might be a different story.

My dad always said "ALL decision, good or bad, come with consequences".

Only you can decide if you are willing to deal with the possible fallout. You still see him at family functions. Unless you plan on never attending another family event you might have to deal with your decision for years to come.

I have to say, while immature reaction to having wine spilled on him, I don't really consider that a reason to not invite him if everyone else is invited. I get it you don't like it, but this one example seems to be you trying to grasp at straws.

The other "inappropriate behavior" with you might be a different situation. If it's bad enough maybe it's time to open that can of worms.

southernbelle0915 · October 2017

knottied049ec2b010ac0d1 said:

I am wondering what the etiquette on this is. My mothers eldest brother has two sons both married and have children of there own. This is an especially dramatic family as a whole ALWAYS causing some problem within the family. I plan on inviting my uncle his wife and eldest son, but the younger son has been more than inappropriate with me (I'd rather not describe how) and at other family events. At his brother's sons birthday, one of my other uncles bumped into him while dancing and cousin ended up spilling his drink on his wife. Cousin is clearly pissed, but we didn't think he'd do anything. Ten minutes later, he goes and hugs the uncle who bumped into him and then pours a glass of wine down his back. That is just one example of the shitty things he's done. I really don't want to invite him. In fact, I've stated this to my mom several times (she doesn't know about his inappropriate actions) but I'm pretty sure she thinks I will change my mind. I don't talk to this cousin and haven't in years but I do see him at family events.

Questions are: How do I explain to her that he's not invited? How do I make it clear that he's not invited (he lives with his mother and father)? As a note, in our culture people tend to just show up to weddings/parties with or without explicit invitations.

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear about the bolded. And I'm sorry you haven't felt like you could talk with your mom/family about it.

Secondly, simply telly your mom he is not invited, if she even needs to know. You decide if you want to delve into why, but certainly if it's what I'm thinking it is, your mom would have your back. And not to punish the other brother, but have you considered not inviting either of these cousins? That way, crap cousin isn't "left out" (even though he deserves to be) - it's just that only the parents were invited. Just something to consider.

[Deleted User] · October 2017

While my mom is not paying for the wedding she has mentioned contributing to it or because I won't accept her money for the wedding giving it as a gift. Honestly, wine glass thing is just one of many ways he disrupts gatherings.

I don't care about the family backlash (it would literally just be that one family making a big deal about it and they'll find any reason to make a big deal anyway). I love my mom but she gets sucked into problems that aren't her own because of them way too often.

The big issue is dealing with him showing up anyway. Like I mentioned, the specifics on the invitation would not deter him-- they're considered on household.

ahoywedding · October 2017

If you want to make it clear he's not invited, list only his parents on the envelope and all wedding-related stuff you send them. However, they don't sound like people to get subtle hints, and they may try to add him onto their RSVP. Then you would need to have the conversation with your aunt and uncle and let them know the invitation specified just the two of them. If your mom communicates with that family, she could also drop the hint that he's not invited as well.

banana468 · October 2017

knottied049ec2b010ac0d1 said:

While my mom is not paying for the wedding she has mentioned contributing to it or because I won't accept her money for the wedding giving it as a gift. Honestly, wine glass thing is just one of many ways he disrupts gatherings.

I don't care about the family backlash (it would literally just be that one family making a big deal about it and they'll find any reason to make a big deal anyway). I love my mom but she gets sucked into problems that aren't her own because of them way too often.

The big issue is dealing with him showing up anyway. Like I mentioned, the specifics on the invitation would not deter him-- they're considered on household.

Then I think you
1) You need to be really specific in words. If it comes up then say, "He's not invited. Be clear on the response cards
John Smith___accepts____declines
Jane Smith___accepts___declines

Don't leave room for an add-in.

2) If it comes up that the cousin is excited be clear that he's not invited. Correct them if they make an assumption.

3) Can you have a seating chart at your reception venue where guests are given a table assignment by staff when they walk in vs. cards? Then if he comes in staff immediately can tell him he's not on the list. They can turn him away at the door.

4) Finally if he still shows up make sure the venue does have his name and maybe a photo and it can be clear that he's not welcome.

But before the wedding day, I'd also do what you can to make this as clear as possible and to correct any assumptions as quickly as possible.

MairePoppy · October 2017

I'm going to cut to the chase and assume that the cousin was physically, sexually or emotionally abusive towards you. If that's the case, I would just tell your mom that, without details, and tell her you are definitely not inviting him. If he shows up, have him removed.

Do I think it will cause discord with a few family members? Yes. But if you feel so strongly about about this, stick to your guns.

SP29 · October 2017

If you have been very clear with your invitation, and made sure to clear up any assumptions prior, and you think he'll still show up, then you need to be prepared by having some sort of security on hand, or talk to the venue staff and see if they have someone who would be willing to ask people to leave. I would not expect someone like a server/ bartender/ etc to do this, and the venue may tell you to call the police if there is an issue, so consider hiring a security guard or two who could also act as seating guides. Not to physically seat guests, but referring to a seating chart at the front door, "Hello Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe, you are seated at table 6. Mr. Joe Doe? You are not listed on the seating chart, you'll have to leave". And then they can deal with that accordingly.

downtondiva · October 2017

I agree with @SP29 that security is something to consider, since you can't be sure this relative won't come anyway no matter what the invitation says. Your reference to "more than inappropriate" behavior makes me think that you feel very unsafe around this person, so you should not just have to grin and bear it if he shows up. I'm sorry this is something you even have to think about.

inviting that guy

Re: inviting that guy

Choose Another Board

Search Boards