Cake-only reception, followed by non-included dinner??

ashleymay44 · November 2017

Hi all,
I realize this may have a world of negative pushback, but I'm just looking for advice here. My fiance and I are from California, but recently moved to Florida. We plan to have the wedding in Vegas. Our parents are not footing the bill- it's all us. We're 22 and 23- just starting in the workforce without a huge budget. The package we're looking at is at the MGM Grand and is all inclusive with a cake-only reception, and it's perfect for our budget. Guest list is about 45 people and consists only of close family and 3 friends. However, we don't see these friends/family often because we live so far away, so we'd love to keep the celebration going after the reception and head to a restaurant of some sort after the wedding- but there's no way we could afford to feed that many people, so if they decided to join us, it would be on them. Any recommendations on how to word something like this on the invitation? We couldn't really only invite a few people because then the rest of the close-knit family will become offended.

ALSO: It is a package-deal. It's not something we can "cut" as far as budgeting, because it's a single price for everything (ceremony, cake, photography, etc). It's just a take-it-or-leave-it package.

JeeGooDowster · November 2017

I don't know what the Seasoned Knottie vets would say but...I would skip the Cake reception and use your budget for a dinner for your guests....

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

Hi all,
I realize this may have a world of negative pushback, but I'm just looking for advice here. My fiance and I are from California, but recently moved to Florida. We plan to have the wedding in Vegas. Our parents are not footing the bill- it's all us. We're 22 and 23- just starting in the workforce without a huge budget. The package we're looking at is at the MGM Grand and is all inclusive with a cake-only reception, and it's perfect for our budget. Guest list is about 45 people and consists only of close family and 3 friends. However, we don't see these friends/family often because we live so far away, so we'd love to keep the celebration going after the reception and head to a restaurant of some sort after the wedding- but there's no way we could afford to feed that many people, so if they decided to join us, it would be on them. Any recommendations on how to word something like this on the invitation? We couldn't really only invite a few people because then the rest of the close-knit family will become offended.

Asking people to spend upwards of a thousand dollars for flight, hotel, transportation, food, attire, gifts, etc. and then you're hosting a piece of cake and a cheap cocktail? And then you arrange to go to a restaurant and ask everyone to split the check/pay their own way? No way. If you are asking people to travel for a destination wedding (Vegas is a destination wedding), you need to host a meal.

I totally understand being on a super tight budget and hosting your own party, but it's no excuse to be a poor host. If I were you, I'd do one of three things:

1) Elope (go to Vegas just the two of you) and then host a small celebration in California when you're home for the holidays or whatever. Since you wouldn't be asking people to travel, this could be cake and punch (as long as it's not at meal time).

2) Have a longer engagement and give yourselves time to save for a well-hosted Vegas wedding.

3) Since you're traveling anyway, why Vegas? Why not California? If all you can afford to host is cake and punch (which is totally a-ok as long as it's not meal time), then do it in California so you aren't asking 45 people to spend thousands of dollars for a piece of cake and a drink. Then honeymoon in Vegas. (Or honeymoon later, whatever you can afford.)

Personally, I would choose option 3.

MRDCle · November 2017

I agree with PPs that cake only and pay-your-way dinner isn't the best option if you're set on Vegas (though I think @southernbelle0915 that just getting married in CA makes the most sense?).

My brother recently got married in Vegas (though his wife and him were living there at the time). It cost my fiance and I around 2k to pay for flights and hotels, and we weren't going super high end on those fronts.

They got married in a chapel off the strip and we went to a chain Italian restaurant after, where they hosted dinner and dessert. We went back to the strip and had some drinks with the newlyweds as an afterparty, which we all paid for ourselves, which didn't bother me at all. On the other hand, I can imagine being very bothered by having to pay for my own dinner after getting a piece of cake hosted by the couple.

MRDCle · November 2017

Also - it seems like you're planning a big honeymoon - I would also be bothered if I paid for dinner at a destination wedding and then the couple shipped off to Europe.

banana468 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

Hi all,
I realize this may have a world of negative pushback, but I'm just looking for advice here. My fiance and I are from California, but recently moved to Florida. We plan to have the wedding in Vegas. Our parents are not footing the bill- it's all us. We're 22 and 23- just starting in the workforce without a huge budget. The package we're looking at is at the MGM Grand and is all inclusive with a cake-only reception, and it's perfect for our budget. Guest list is about 45 people and consists only of close family and 3 friends. However, we don't see these friends/family often because we live so far away, so we'd love to keep the celebration going after the reception and head to a restaurant of some sort after the wedding- but there's no way we could afford to feed that many people, so if they decided to join us, it would be on them. Any recommendations on how to word something like this on the invitation? We couldn't really only invite a few people because then the rest of the close-knit family will become offended.

As far as being etiquette approved, the only way this could possibly work is if your wedding ceremony wasn't at a meal time and the reception was ALSO not at a meal time (say ceremony at 2:30 w/ cake immediately following. You don't mention a beverage with the cake but you need to host SOMETHING with the cake - punch, coffee, and tea are all inexpensive options.

There are two schools of thought on invitations:
1) You don't tell people about the kind of hospitality you're offering.

2) Tell people what you're serving so they're aware and can understand what kind of plans to make.

I personally fall into group two. I want to know whether or not I'm getting a meal and how much I need to eat beforehand. I'd make sure your reception cards note that the reception is a cake and punch reception that immediately follows.

I'd list that you intend to go out after the wedding and those interested in seeing you after are welcome to go to X place for dinner and you would plan to see them later. I would make the wording quite clear that they aren't joining you.

Allllll of that said, I think you should postpone your wedding for a year or find a way to host your guests for a full meal at a destination wedding. See if there are places that allow you to get catered trays of pasta and garlic bread plus beer and wine or even treat everyone to sandwiches. IMO, you're asking all of your guests to incur travel expenses including a hotel that would be needed for what, at least two nights? No, you don't *have* to feed them a full meal but I personally wouldn't do that. And I would think twice about attending a destination wedding when I will be needing to fund nearly all of the expenses and meals myself. It's just plain budgeting. By doing what you're doing, you plan to ask 45 people to plan a long weekend (or two nights) in Vegas on their own and in the middle of that they'll see you get married. I think that's a lot to ask of people.

If you and your FI are from California are you from the same area? Are your guests? Is there a reason you can't get married back in California and have a short honeymoon in Vegas? Are there other parts of the budget you can scale back so you can host more?

banana468 · November 2017

To add, if I got wind that you were telling me in one sentence that your budget didn't allow you to host a meal for your guests and then in the next sentence that you planned to see the Northern Lights in Norway, in my head I'd be rolling my eyes and questioning your motives and budgeting skills.

If you can swing Norway you can feed 45 people a meal at a destination wedding. And IMO, if you can't do both, you postpone Norway or you don't invite 45 people to Vegas. There needs to be some give and take in the budgeting process.

ashleymay44 · November 2017

To make it clear, Vegas is not far from our families in California. It's a drive, not a flight. So as much as it is a "destination" wedding, it's really not. And yes, we're all about the honeymoon. The only reason we're having a "wedding" versus eloping is because our family would be extremely upset if they didn't get to be there at the wedding. The cost of the wedding altogether right now is about $4.4k, and that's perfect for us. We're only doing it to appease them, which is why we're not spending loads on it. If the fact that it's cake-only and a non-included dinner turns them away, honestly it just makes it cheaper for us so we don't mind. I understand the harshness in this, I just really don't care for the wedding tradition, nor do we care enough about their opinions to change this (harsh, but how I feel- I'm just being honest). But taking the advice of some on here, I will phrase on the invitation that cake is included, but they are welcome to join us at restaurant X after if they'd like. To me personally, it's not worth another couple thousand to rent out a venue or restaurant just for a single meal. Like I said, I was well aware of the disapproval that I'm opening myself up to, I'm just looking for any tips on how to present it to guests.

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

To make it clear, Vegas is not far from our families in California. It's a drive, not a flight.

Even if they lived on the border, it's still an hour+, so it's hotel, food, transportation to get there, etc. It's a destination, all they're saving is a flight and driving instead. If you can't host a meal, you shouldn't ask people to travel. Period.

Especially if you're immediately jetting off for a European honeymoon. No way.

Sorry, but something's got to give here.

banana468 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

To make it clear, Vegas is not far from our families in California. It's a drive, not a flight. So as much as it is a "destination" wedding, it's really not. And yes, we're all about the honeymoon. The only reason we're having a "wedding" versus eloping is because our family would be extremely upset if they didn't get to be there at the wedding. The cost of the wedding altogether right now is about $4.4k, and that's perfect for us. We're only doing it to appease them, which is why we're not spending loads on it. If the fact that it's cake-only and a non-included dinner turns them away, honestly it just makes it cheaper for us so we don't mind. I understand the harshness in this, I just really don't care for the wedding tradition, nor do we care enough about their opinions to change this (harsh, but how I feel- I'm just being honest). But taking the advice of some on here, I will phrase on the invitation that cake is included, but they are welcome to join us at restaurant X after if they'd like. To me personally, it's not worth another couple thousand to rent out a venue or restaurant just for a single meal. Like I said, I was well aware of the disapproval that I'm opening myself up to, I'm just looking for any tips on how to present it to guests.

Quite frankly, I think you need to not invite these people or limit it to your parents.

It doesn't matter if they don't have to fly to Vegas. They need to drive and they need hotel accommodations. Most likely it means two nights in a hotel for all of them and you intend to feed them cake.

The issue here is the attitude that you're holding. If you don't want to be traditional there are plenty of things you can do. But you're not being 'nontraditional' here. You're being cheap. Let's be quite frank that you're prioritizing you and your FI and your European honeymoon over 45 people that are allegedly so close to you that you HAVE to invite them or they'll be offended.

Why are you feeling like you need to invite so many people so they won't be offended at the lack of invitation but you're not prioritizing feeding them so they won't be offended at your lack of hospitality?? The logic isn't computing.

Family and friends are FAR more understanding of a lack of invitation because you eloped vs. finding out that you just didn't care to feed them because Norway mattered more.

If you are still stuck on these dates and Norway, I'd invite your parents and siblings only. You can still see all those others after the wedding. And you can do it in a way that doesn't have them spending a ton in order to get to see you for just a few moments.

ashleymay44 · November 2017

I understand everyone's point of view on this- I do. But I'm not budging. If they don't want to come, then don't! I'm not arguing that it's against all etiquette rules, I'm just simply asking on tips on how to approach informing the guests of the situation.

banana468 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

I understand everyone's point of view on this- I do. But I'm not budging. If they don't want to come, then don't! I'm not arguing that it's against all etiquette rules, I'm just simply asking on tips on how to approach informing the guests of the situation.

Then inform them that you're eloping.

Seriously. Based on the way you're phrasing things, I'd call this a "nonvitation".

MRDCle · November 2017

So you care if you upset them by not inviting them, but don't care about upsetting them by asking them to drive and spend money on a wedding that YOU don't even care about and thanking them with a slice of cake. Got it.

Ro041 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

To make it clear, Vegas is not far from our families in California. It's a drive, not a flight. So as much as it is a "destination" wedding, it's really not. And yes, we're all about the honeymoon. The only reason we're having a "wedding" versus eloping is because our family would be extremely upset if they didn't get to be there at the wedding. The cost of the wedding altogether right now is about $4.4k, and that's perfect for us. We're only doing it to appease them, which is why we're not spending loads on it. If the fact that it's cake-only and a non-included dinner turns them away, honestly it just makes it cheaper for us so we don't mind. I understand the harshness in this, I just really don't care for the wedding tradition, nor do we care enough about their opinions to change this (harsh, but how I feel- I'm just being honest). But taking the advice of some on here, I will phrase on the invitation that cake is included, but they are welcome to join us at restaurant X after if they'd like. To me personally, it's not worth another couple thousand to rent out a venue or restaurant just for a single meal. Like I said, I was well aware of the disapproval that I'm opening myself up to, I'm just looking for any tips on how to present it to guests.

If I have to get a hotel room, that IS a destination wedding. Nashville is driving distance for me, sure. But it's in a different state and would cost me hundreds of dollars to visit, even for a night.

How do you know your family will be upset? I seriously doubt that you have 42 close family members who you rarely see who are going to just be like, "ZOMG! I have to go to Vegas to see this wedding or I'm gonna be pissed!!!!"

MandyMost · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

I understand everyone's point of view on this- I do. But I'm not budging. If they don't want to come, then don't! I'm not arguing that it's against all etiquette rules, I'm just simply asking on tips on how to approach informing the guests of the situation.

We always say that an invitation is not a summons. As a host, your responsibility is to provide chairs for everyone and food and beverage appropriate for the time of day, and reasonable other accommodations (i.e. a heated space in winter, a covered space in rain, working bathrooms, etc.). You seem to be doing this!

It doesn't matter if you're having the event in Siberia or NYC or in the same town as most of your guests--you don't have to host a specific type of event just because of the location you're having it in. If your guests decide it's not worth the effort (time, money, whatever) to attend your well-hosted non-meal-time event, then that's fine. As we all know, an invitation is not a summons!

As to the original question, however, your invitation should only invite them to the event that you are hosting. That's the ceremony and cake (and beverages) immediately following the ceremony. I'd put the ceremony information on the invite and then a line that says something about a cake reception immediately following.

You are free to do absolutely anything you want after the event ends, as are they. If you all choose to go to the same place, great. But this is totally separate from you wedding and shouldn't be listed on the invite. Spread it by word of mouth "Hey, we're likely going to X restaurant after the wedding is over. Feel free to join us, or after that we're likely going to X bar and you could join us there, too. Or the next morning we'll probably have brunch at the hotel.".

Ro041 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

I understand everyone's point of view on this- I do. But I'm not budging. If they don't want to come, then don't! I'm not arguing that it's against all etiquette rules, I'm just simply asking on tips on how to approach informing the guests of the situation.

My tip is don't act like a poor host. This is an etiquette board and we won't help you word an invite that is against etiquette.

short+sassy · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

To make it clear, Vegas is not far from our families in California. It's a drive, not a flight. So as much as it is a "destination" wedding, it's really not. And yes, we're all about the honeymoon. The only reason we're having a "wedding" versus eloping is because our family would be extremely upset if they didn't get to be there at the wedding. The cost of the wedding altogether right now is about $4.4k, and that's perfect for us. We're only doing it to appease them, which is why we're not spending loads on it. If the fact that it's cake-only and a non-included dinner turns them away, honestly it just makes it cheaper for us so we don't mind. I understand the harshness in this, I just really don't care for the wedding tradition, nor do we care enough about their opinions to change this (harsh, but how I feel- I'm just being honest). But taking the advice of some on here, I will phrase on the invitation that cake is included, but they are welcome to join us at restaurant X after if they'd like. To me personally, it's not worth another couple thousand to rent out a venue or restaurant just for a single meal. Like I said, I was well aware of the disapproval that I'm opening myself up to, I'm just looking for any tips on how to present it to guests.

Just don't include this part in the invitation. That implies becomes part of the invitation that you all are hosting dinner at the restaurant.

This needs to be done more as a "word of mouth" mention. I'm sure it will be a topic of conversation during the reception of "what is everybody doing tonight". Perfect opportunity to chime in with, "FI and I are going to ABC Restaurant at 7:00. Hey! Anyone who wants to join us is welcome to come."

Jen4948 · November 2017

Cake only is not a good option. Supposing that your guests include people who can't eat cake, like diabetics and people on other restricted diets?

Also, even though yes, you're on a budget, serving only cake to your guests does come off as "cheap." And if you don't care about how your guests feel, why are you even inviting them?

southernbelle0915 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

I understand everyone's point of view on this- I do. But I'm not budging. If they don't want to come, then don't! I'm not arguing that it's against all etiquette rules, I'm just simply asking on tips on how to approach informing the guests of the situation.

I don't really understand two main things:

1) Did you post on an Etiquette forum to shout from a mountain top that you're being rude? You got answers on the guest situation. It's rude. And there's no polite way to do a rude thing. Even if you say "we're giving you cake and nothing else" on your invitations, it doesn't change the fact that that's all you're doing while they're spending hundreds/thousands to see you walk through the motions on something you don't give a shit about... I mean I guess telling people you're going to be rude in advance is better than just doing it? IDK what you expected here?

2) If the only reason you aren't eloping is because your folks want to witness the wedding, then why aren't you just having a simple ceremony and cake/punch in Cali? Why does it HAVE to be in Vegas? You say you're young and poor but then you're spending $4.4K on something that would cost you like $150 in Cali. You would literally have $4,250 that you could save and spend on a badass honeymoon or put toward something else. It honestly makes no sense at all.

kahluakoala · November 2017

I don't understand why cake and punch in CA is off the table? If you were doing that I'd have NO issue with any of your plan. You could easily host it in one of the many public parks and it could even come in under $4.4k.

Honestly, that price sounds exorbitant for what you're getting. You could do a lot better for the price and be a better host

ashleymay44 · November 2017

Jen4948 Out of obligation, to be honest. We already talked over the plan with parents and the friends invited and they all don't seem to mind. But I will for sure ask around to be sure no one has any dietary restrictions- I'm fairly certain they don't but I hadn't thought of asking. Thank you!

ashleymay44 · November 2017

short+sassy I hadn't considered that, it sounds a lot better than having it on the invitation! Thank you!

MRDCle · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

Out of obligation, to be honest. We already talked over the plan with parents and the friends invited and they all don't seem to mind. But I will for sure ask around to be sure no one has any dietary restrictions- I'm fairly certain they don't but I hadn't thought of asking. Thank you!

You’re not obligated to invite anyone. The only people who NEED to be there are you, your fiancé, and someone who can legally officiate.

banana468 · November 2017

southernbelle0915 said:

ashleymay44 said:

I understand everyone's point of view on this- I do. But I'm not budging. If they don't want to come, then don't! I'm not arguing that it's against all etiquette rules, I'm just simply asking on tips on how to approach informing the guests of the situation.

I don't really understand two main things:

1) Did you post on an Etiquette forum to shout from a mountain top that you're being rude? You got answers on the guest situation. It's rude. And there's no polite way to do a rude thing. Even if you say "we're giving you cake and nothing else" on your invitations, it doesn't change the fact that that's all you're doing while they're spending hundreds/thousands to see you walk through the motions on something you don't give a shit about... I mean I guess telling people you're going to be rude in advance is better than just doing it? IDK what you expected here?

2) If the only reason you aren't eloping is because your folks want to witness the wedding, then why aren't you just having a simple ceremony and cake/punch in Cali? Why does it HAVE to be in Vegas? You say you're young and poor but then you're spending $4.4K on something that would cost you like $150 in Cali. You would literally have $4,250 that you could save and spend on a badass honeymoon or put toward something else. It honestly makes no sense at all.

Good point. Vegas COULD BE your honeymoon. Instead you're picking two?

This isn't passing the smell test. $4,250 for a cake to feed 45 is over charging you by at least $3,750.

As I said, this isn't looking like you get a pass because you're young and nontraditional. It looks like the plans are selfish and poorly budgeted.

banana468 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

Jen4948 Out of obligation, to be honest. We already talked over the plan with parents and the friends invited and they all don't seem to mind. But I will for sure ask around to be sure no one has any dietary restrictions- I'm fairly certain they don't but I hadn't thought of asking. Thank you!

@ashleymay44, how are you feeling obligated to invite all those people to a destination wedding but not feeling obligated to feed them a meal??

ashleymay44 · November 2017

banana468 I just don't feel that way at all- I feel obligated to invite them because they'll be offended if they're not, however if they choose not to go, that's fine- at least I can say I invited them and tried. That clears me of my obligation. If they still want to come, great! If not, we'll see them next Christmas.

STARMOON44 · November 2017

A cake only reception is fine- when it's in your home town, at a non-meal time, and no one is flying in, and there's not dinner of any kind you're making people pay for.

Your plan is rude and your priorities are wrong.

ashleymay44 · November 2017

banana468 the cake itself isn't $4.4k, the entire thing is $4.4k- the ceremony, floral, cake, photography, videography, officiant, venue, wedding planner, music & setup, etc. Vegas isn't our honeymoon, in fact, it's somewhere many of our family visits regularly. Our family is in San Diego and that's far more expensive than Vegas.

MRDCle · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

banana468 I just don't feel that way at all- I feel obligated to invite them because they'll be offended if they're not, however if they choose not to go, that's fine- at least I can say I invited them and tried. That clears me of my obligation. If they still want to come, great! If not, we'll see them next Christmas.

The point most people are trying to make is that chances are, at least a portion will STILL be offended by a your lack of hospitality.

kahluakoala · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

banana468 the cake itself isn't $4.4k, the entire thing is $4.4k- the ceremony, floral, cake, photography, videography, officiant, venue, wedding planner, music & setup, etc. Vegas isn't our honeymoon, in fact, it's somewhere many of our family visits regularly. Our family is in San Diego and that's far more expensive than Vegas.

here, I took out all the things you don't need for a cake and punch wedding you don't even really want to throw!

Seriously, you could throw a 45 person casual wedding in San Diego <$2k. For a venue you could use a park or restaurant/brewery with a food/bev minimum. Then all you need is an officiant (have a friend or family member do it if you don't want to hire a pro), the license, a sheet cake from costco and a photog.

You feel obligated to invite people so they don't get offended? Well, if you invite them to travel to your wedding (also, I have driven to Vegas from San Diego once and never again! It's 5 hours and has taken me up to 8 on the way back with traffic) and don't host them they will also be offended. Somehow, offending people that way is a lesser problem to you?

Jen4948 · November 2017

ashleymay44 said:

Jen4948 Out of obligation, to be honest. We already talked over the plan with parents and the friends invited and they all don't seem to mind. But I will for sure ask around to be sure no one has any dietary restrictions- I'm fairly certain they don't but I hadn't thought of asking. Thank you!

Sorry, but the only people who have an "obligation" to be at your wedding are you, your FI, and your officiant. And sorry, but "they all don't seem to mind" is not an excuse for saving yourself money at their expense.

Cake-only reception, followed by non-included dinner??

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