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WWWWD - Thank You Note Edition

Ro041Ro041 member
First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
in Wedding Woes
So H and I got married last month.  We invited some friends to our wedding (let's call them Sarah and Jim).  We attend their wedding in early July.  I brought an expensive boxed gift to their wedding ($120ish).  To date, we have not received a thank you card.

A few months ago, there was a debate (I think on E) about the etiquette of giving boxed gifts at wedding receptions.  Sarah and I happened to be texting at the time so I texted her that I had just learned it could be considered bad etiquette to bring a boxed gift to a wedding and apologized if I inconvenienced anyone the night of their wedding.  She responded that it was probably bad etiquette not to have thank you notes out by that point.  I responded that people understood.  I had hoped it would spur them to get out the thank you notes.  It did not.  

Sarah and Jim attended our wedding and did not send a gift prior, bring a gift, or bring a card.  Now, we all know that gifts are not required, but it would have been nice to receive at least a card from them.  

I would like to be petty AF and send them a thank you note for their attendance but H thinks it's a terrible idea.  Please talk me off the ledge and convince me it's a bad idea!!!

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Re: WWWWD - Thank You Note Edition

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm going to be real with you.  I sent out thank you notes to people who attended and didn't give gifts (I think everyone did give us a card). I didn't know it was bad etiquette to send a thank you note if no gift was received.  But how can it be?  I was genuinely happy people came!

    I don't know, is it really a bad thing to say "thanks for coming to our special day!"?

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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Don't do it.   

    You got married last month and Christmas is in 6 days.  

    Please.   Just let it go for now.    They may just be swimming under the pile of post wedding crap and while not OK, no need to rub it in their faces.   Send them a holiday card if you must expressing how nice it was to see them at the wedding but don't send a generic TY card to be passive aggressive. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I know that etiquette is to not send a ty note for just attending, because presumably it's considered a hint that a gift was not given.  But I've never gotten on board with that because I think it is a big leap to think people would assume that.

    Though I realize in your case that it is coming from a place of pettiness, rather than an actual feeling of wanting to thank them for attending ;).  Deserved pettiness!  But pettiness nonetheless.  As such, I think I need to side with your H on this one.  Although barely, lol.

    It might be an UO, but I'm with you on the no gift or card.  Yes, it isn't "tit for tat"...but come on!  Unless they truly couldn't afford $5 for a card and/or even $20+ for some kind of gift, I think that's messed up.  I personally would never go to a wedding without a gift or a card.

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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Just give 'em time.   They may give you something for your wedding later.  We had cousins give us gifts a year after the fact.  Some people do take time to send a gift.  

    I'm feeling really raw today so while I get being a bit cheesed on the gift I'm so anti-passive aggressive BS at the moment. 
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  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2017
    @banana468 I totally get what you are saying and I most likely won't do it.  Maybe I just needed to vent at how hurt I am about how all of this has played out and that will be enough.

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  • Ro041Ro041 member
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    @scribe95 - you are right.  Sigh.  I am not going to do it.  But man, sometimes it's hard not to be petty!

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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    It’s a terrible idea. As was texting her in the first place. I’m team no boxed gifts at a wedding but you certainly didn’t owe her an apology!
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  • ernursejernursej member
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    It’s a terrible idea. As was texting her in the first place. I’m team no boxed gifts at a wedding but you certainly didn’t owe her an apology!
    Why was it a terrible idea to text an apology after learning that it might be rude to do something you’ve done? I would be very appreciative of something like this if I was in camp “don’t bring boxed gifts”. More communication removes chances for misunderstandings. I can’t tell you the number of times I realized something later on and made sure to correct the situation. Mistakes happen. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    ernursej said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    It’s a terrible idea. As was texting her in the first place. I’m team no boxed gifts at a wedding but you certainly didn’t owe her an apology!
    Why was it a terrible idea to text an apology after learning that it might be rude to do something you’ve done? I would be very appreciative of something like this if I was in camp “don’t bring boxed gifts”. More communication removes chances for misunderstandings. I can’t tell you the number of times I realized something later on and made sure to correct the situation. Mistakes happen. 
    Because it’s a really minor thing and you don’t owe anyone an apology for giving a gift. I suppose “terrible” is an exaggeration but it really wasn’t necessary. 
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  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I may not have owed her an apology (if it really is such a minor etiquette faux pas) but it was hardly a terrible idea.  Sending them a thank you note for attending?  I don't think it's a terrible idea in a vacuum but my motivation for doing so is what makes it a bad idea, at least IMO.

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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    @Ro041 I wouldn't bother because your reasoning is petty. I get the annoyance on your end, but I'd just let it go. We only sent TYs to people who brought/sent a gift - and all of those were done within a week after we got back from our honeymoon. 
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  • ernursejernursej member
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    ernursej said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    It’s a terrible idea. As was texting her in the first place. I’m team no boxed gifts at a wedding but you certainly didn’t owe her an apology!
    Why was it a terrible idea to text an apology after learning that it might be rude to do something you’ve done? I would be very appreciative of something like this if I was in camp “don’t bring boxed gifts”. More communication removes chances for misunderstandings. I can’t tell you the number of times I realized something later on and made sure to correct the situation. Mistakes happen. 
    Because it’s a really minor thing and you don’t owe anyone an apology for giving a gift. I suppose “terrible” is an exaggeration but it really wasn’t necessary. 
    I’ll agree that terrible wasn’t a great word choice. Sure, not necessary but I think the world would be a better place if people did more things that weren’t necessary but nice. 
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