Wedding Woes

Halp!!!! Sil wants baby at bachelorette

Hi so long story short.  We are having my bachelorette this weekend and at 130 am (i work nights) my fsil texted me to ask if her husband and herself could stay at our house this weekend.  I of course said yes has they are both attending our bachelor/bachelorette party.  Out of curiosity I asked about their 4mo.  Apparently my fmil has agreed to drive in for 2 hours to watch their baby at my house.  Mind you no one asked my fiance or me.  They are from out of state and I understand they are first time parents.  I am just shocked.  We are having a real bachelorette party with about 10 of my friends and I am worried about presents the girls will get me and games we were planning on playing at my house before leaving.  Not to mention game plan for both parties was to come back and have people sober up at our house or crash. 

ON TOP OF THIS.... our wedding is adult only 2.5 hours away.  We are at a hotel winter resort.  We were hoping their 5mo would stay with their grandparents but they are bringing her.  They were gonna have one of my fiancee favorite aunts hold the baby during the ceremony but our ceremony is on 20 minutes.  We asked for them to bring a babysitter of their choosing and we would pay for a hotel or their meal at the reception.  We requested the baby not be present for the ceremony, toasts, and first dances. Now they want to bring their babysitters husband as well.  We went from an all adult wedding to a baby sometimes which was meeting in the middle but I feel like we be been more than willing to compromise.  They make snide comments all the time about us living together first or that family all family should be at the wedding.  It was my fiancee rule that no kids should be at the wedding.  What should we do?  Every time we talk about why we don't want the baby at our wedding we get shot down.  Both parents are in the party. We asked before we found out they were pregnant.  Halp!
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Re: Halp!!!! Sil wants baby at bachelorette

  • edited January 3
    Hi so long story short.  We are having my bachelorette this weekend and at 130 am (i work nights) my fsil texted me to ask if her husband and herself could stay at our house this weekend.  I of course said yes has they are both attending our bachelor/bachelorette party.  Out of curiosity I asked about their 4mo.  Apparently my fmil has agreed to drive in for 2 hours to watch their baby at my house.  Mind you no one asked my fiance or me.  They are from out of state and I understand they are first time parents.  I am just shocked.  We are having a real bachelorette party with about 10 of my friends and I am worried about presents the girls will get me and games we were planning on playing at my house before leaving.  Not to mention game plan for both parties was to come back and have people sober up at our house or crash. 

    ON TOP OF THIS.... our wedding is adult only 2.5 hours away.  We are at a hotel winter resort.  We were hoping their 5mo would stay with their grandparents but they are bringing her.  They were gonna have one of my fiancee favorite aunts hold the baby during the ceremony but our ceremony is on 20 minutes.  We asked for them to bring a babysitter of their choosing and we would pay for a hotel or their meal at the reception.  We requested the baby not be present for the ceremony, toasts, and first dances. Now they want to bring their babysitters husband as well.  We went from an all adult wedding to a baby sometimes which was meeting in the middle but I feel like we be been more than willing to compromise.  They make snide comments all the time about us living together first or that family all family should be at the wedding.  It was my fiancee rule that no kids should be at the wedding.  What should we do?  Every time we talk about why we don't want the baby at our wedding we get shot down.  Both parents are in the party. We asked before we found out they were pregnant.  Halp!
    What is most important to you; having an adult only wedding or having your FBIL& FSIL at your wedding and other events? Because that is what it might come down to for parents of a 4/5 month old traveling out of town (state?) twice in roughly a month. Leaving a baby for a whole weekend is really hard; my sister had her baby in March and she and her H just left her overnight for the first time last week. The baby doesn’t sleep through the night, still eats every few hours, has a good allergy, and that is a lot to ask someone else to do for a day let alone an entire weekend, twice in a few weeks. Add in breastfeeding and it’s close to impossible. 

    Both parents are in the wedding party party so it’s not like one of them can miss parts, they have arranged to bring childcare to these events. But if you don’t want FMIL to stay, or you don’t want the sitter, you need to say so clearly & stand by it. But I’m not surprised you’re getting pushback from the family and I would expect that it would continue. An adult only wedding is a choice that is within etiquette but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences and fall out from the decision you have to deal with. I get that you asked them before they were pregnant, but really that doesn’t matter. Maybe one should have declined to be in the wedding given the no-babies rule, but they didn’t. Now you have to decide if you want to work with them regarding their child or not. 

    Finally leave the comments out of this and deal with it separately. If they’re being rude clearly tell them you won’t engage with someone who is putting you down and change the subject/walk away/whatever. 
    short+sassy
  • The first time we left our son to go to a movie was when he was 4 mths old. We went to the movie, and picked him up. We had left him with a bottle, I was fit to burst and he was screaming for food when I got there. So yeah, leaving him for more than two hours, three at the most may not be a realistic or feasible option. 
    short+sassysparklepants41
  • I think they’ve been pretty accommodating? They are attending everything, they’ve made plans for babysitters. 
  • Okay, I focused on the wedding part, but I just re-read the post, and it's not like people sobering up or dirty gifts are going to affect a 4 month old at all. They'll (hopefully/likely) sleep through it all, and at the very least have no idea what anything is. Also, when they asked if they could stay where did you think the baby would be? I just assume the baby is coming with my sister and her H anytime they come somewhere unless they say otherwise. 
    mrsconn23OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueenseileenrob
  • I'm trying to look at both sides.

    OP side - FSIL and FBIL asked to say, OP had to ask about baby instead of them mentioning.
    While yes, it's thoughtful they considered someone watching their child while partying happened would I be thrilled if someone basically invited themselves and then another person to my house? Not really, but easily shrugged off.

    Then for wedding. Okay, so it was generous for you to help find accommodations for them however they may have over stepped asking to bring sitter's spouse.

    Could it be shrugged off? Yeh likely.

    FSIL/FBIL side - if FSIL is breastfeeding, this may be a huge part about all of this.
    First child, as you mentioned, they don't want to leave for long periods of time. Not many people can handle it.

    I'll be doing makeup for a wedding, and there is a possibility that my spouse and I will be invited as well. We will also have a 3 month old.
    I already pre-planned to have my mother come and stay with the child while we're at the wedding, but fair warned the bride that if I'm breastfeeding that while doing makeup I will have to have the child near me. Also, idk if I could be away from him/her for that long so I may have them anyways.
    Bride was okay - but I did clear it with her well in advance.

    Again, could all of this be shrugged off and dealt with simply with a conversation with both sides hearing the other out?
    100% yes.
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
    mrsconn23short+sassy
  • One thing I haven't seen mentioned yet is that this is your FI's family.  It is HIS responsibility to talk to his family about these issues.  Blood talks to blood.

    Like other PPs have mentioned, you and your FI are allowed to set boundaries for both the bach. party and the wedding.  But two very important key points to keep in mind are it could cause one or both parents to not attend the wedding and/or bach. party.  It could also cause very hurt feelings for years to come.

    Me personally, not so much for the wedding, but I do understand why you wouldn't want a baby in the house for the bach. parties.  After a late night of drinking and carousing, followed by a bunch of people camping out at the house, you don't want one of your fil's "shushing" them to not wake the baby.  Or have everyone woken up if the baby starts crying at 4AM.  But, then we're back to, is that a hill you and your FI want to die on.

    To the other PPs, I read the letter that OP might be embarrassed by risqué presents and game with her FMIL present.  Not the baby, lol :).

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875Knottiea9f4a0ae2a06a21dInLoveInQueens
  • Ro041 said:
    Out of curiosity - what is a real bachelorette party?
    I get the point you're trying to make here, but I don't think it really matters.

    It's clear from her post that OP wants penis favors, games with sexual content, and likely food shaped like dicks. Stuff like that. Probably even tutus and tiaras. Who cares? If that's what she wants for her bach and whoever is hosting is doing that stuff, whatever. It's absolutely not what I would want or consider a "real" bachelorette party, but at some point, it's semantics and doesn't matter anyway.
    *********************************************************************************

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    Knottiea9f4a0ae2a06a21d
  • Ro041 said:
    Out of curiosity - what is a real bachelorette party?
    I get the point you're trying to make here, but I don't think it really matters.

    It's clear from her post that OP wants penis favors, games with sexual content, and likely food shaped like dicks. Stuff like that. Probably even tutus and tiaras. Who cares? If that's what she wants for her bach and whoever is hosting is doing that stuff, whatever. It's absolutely not what I would want or consider a "real" bachelorette party, but at some point, it's semantics and doesn't matter anyway.
    I agree, but why does this mean an infant can't be watched in another room? I mean if the party is at the house the entire time I get not having the baby there, but it sounds like the house was the jumping off point and return to sober up location, not the whole party being there.  

    Maybe the hotel is a better idea. FMIL stays in the hotel with baby until FSIL/FBIL come back from their respective parties. That way there's no confusion about who is where at what times. If that's what the OP would prefer I do think that's fine, but she (or more appropriately her FI since it sounds like his family) needs to be clear about what they want. 
    mrsconn23
  • I get being put out that your fSIL invited fMIL to babysit in your house without asking you. I get being put out that FSIL asked about inviting the babysitter's husband to the wedding.(I mean, if he's just hanging out in a room with this woman and the baby, does it make a difference? You're not agreeing to feed him or pay additional for his time/travel.)

    you and your FI (presumably) invited these people to be in your wedding party because they are VIPs to you. they are also part of his family, and soon to be part of yours. this child in question is your FI's (niece/nephew) and will soon be yours. you and your FI can choose to be hardasses here, or you can be accommodating to these family members/wedding party members because you care about them and their comfort. If you want to hardline adults only, you're asking first time parents of an infant to travel without their baby for 2 whole weekends in a month. Considering they are family events, you're also cutting into their pool of potential sitters - this means they need to bring the kid, bring the kid with a compromise over sitters, attend separately, not attend at all. 

    My husband and I don't have any family locally - closest family is mine, and it's a 2.5-3 hour flight. The first time that he and I were able to take a vacation/overnight without our daughter was when she was 4.5yo - and that took us flying my parents to TX to babysit. At this point, if it was an immediate  family member's wedding, we were both in the wedding party, it required travel, and our daughter wasn't invited, we likely wouldn't bother to attend - and would probably be pretty pissed off at the family member for putting us in that situation.

    Also, IMHO, your conditions for the baby attending the wedding and parts of the reception are really stupid. It's a 5mo baby - it will probably be asleep, eating, looking cute for a majority of the time, and if it's fussing or having a meltdown, the parents (or aunt) can take it outside/to a quiet room/wherever. At that age, babies are basically lumps - if your future niece/nephew was a 3yo hellspawn, that the parents didn't;t even attempt to reign in, then I would be a lot more sympathetic.




    mrsconn23OliveOilsMomcharlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • edited January 3
    Ok I need to clarify.  I could care less about the baby at the bachelorette.  She wont remember.  I'm not sure about All that's going on but from what my friends said there involved some sort of blow up man shaped ring toss.  My fmil is extremely conservative.  The raunchiest of the activities are to be going on at my house.  We are in 3 days out.  She texted at 130am and didn't tell me.  Sorry for my misuse of words I should have used raunchy instead of real.  Honestly I didn't expect both of them to come.  I am mortified that we have to tell my fmil I'm embarrassed to have her around my house this weekend.  I want the raunchy silly bachelorette cuz I thought it would be fun.  And Like i said I would have understood if one of them dropped out of the wedding when they found out But it's like we have changed so many things about our day for this baby and it's always on the fly or never asked of us.  We are just told.
  • Also we never said not to travel with the baby. We asked at first that we pay for a babysitter to keep the baby in a hotel room at our cost.  We are having everything in the same hotel so they can be with the baby in a 1 minute walk.  Also there will be about 150 strangers to this baby at the wedding. I'm worried about getting blamed if the baby gets sick ( honestly things like that have happened in the past. Not an overreach)
  • Lol I wouldn't put a dick cake past my girlfriend's but I think the line was drawn at stripper.  But in some of the things they are hinting I don't want my mil around to judge me for lol... Also don't want to open up lingerie or other bedroom surprises in front of her.  My friends can get pretty kinky
  • Hey - if you're trying to reply to someone, hit quote and then we can follow if you're trying to respond to a specific person.   
    charlotte989875
  • One thing I haven't seen mentioned yet is that this is your FI's family.  It is HIS responsibility to talk to his family about these issues.  Blood talks to blood.

    Like other PPs have mentioned, you and your FI are allowed to set boundaries for both the bach. party and the wedding.  But two very important key points to keep in mind are it could cause one or both parents to not attend the wedding and/or bach. party.  It could also cause very hurt feelings for years to come.

    Me personally, not so much for the wedding, but I do understand why you wouldn't want a baby in the house for the bach. parties.  After a late night of drinking and carousing, followed by a bunch of people camping out at the house, you don't want one of your fil's "shushing" them to not wake the baby.  Or have everyone woken up if the baby starts crying at 4AM.  But, then we're back to, is that a hill you and your FI want to die on.

    To the other PPs, I read the letter that OP might be embarrassed by risqué presents and game with her FMIL present.  Not the baby, lol :).

    YES YOU GET IT!!! 
    short+sassy
  • banana468 said:
    Hey - if you're trying to reply to someone, hit quote and then we can follow if you're trying to respond to a specific person.   
    I just figured that out thanks!!!! 
  • banana468 said:
    I think you need to handle this as two separate events:

    Tell the BIL and SIL that there will be too many activities going on for FMIL to stay.   Your FI should also tell his brother that it's pretty bullshit to just tell him that their mom is sleeping in their house without consulting the homeowner.   I don't blame you there.   I'd be upset too.

    The alternative is that you move the bachelorette gaming to another location.  Can someone else switch it up?   I wouldn't want my MIL around for the inappropriate stuff either.  

    That said - I think your (really, the FI to sibling discussion) to be about boundaries.   They're forcing extra overnight guests and wedding guests on you without discussing that with you.  Leave the infant out of this and focus on how they're using your home and spending your money without your consent.  
    This times 1000x.  I love my niece. I really do.  I just hate not even being asked about this stuff for my wedding. We had to change bridesmaid dresses everyone loved like 5 times cuz it wasn't breastfeeding appropriate.  And I get it so we did.  But then it's just issue after issue.  We didnt want the bay at the reception or wedding at all and we compromised.  We don't want the baby their during quiet times and the grandparents understand. The babysitter is there for the rest of the reception (and in the room with the baby for the rest of the time).  Why does the babysitter need a date? They are there to work.  I would have understood if they had dropped out. We honestly have 7 couples pregnant with the wedding since we announced and ones due during the wedding.  Another sister to my fiance non the less.  (side joke in the family is if baby comes during the wedding we are godparents). But we only have to make accommodations for one couple and one couple only.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Ok I need to clarify.  I could care less about the baby at the bachelorette.  She wont remember.  I'm not sure about All that's going on but from what my friends said there involved some sort of blow up man shaped ring toss.  My fmil is extremely conservative.  The raunchiest of the activities are to be going on at my house.  We are in 3 days out.  She texted at 130am and didn't tell me.  Sorry for my misuse of words I should have used raunchy instead of real.  Honestly I didn't expect both of them to come.  I am mortified that we have to tell my fmil I'm embarrassed to have her around my house this weekend.  I want the raunchy silly bachelorette cuz I thought it would be fun.  And Like i said I would have understood if one of them dropped out of the wedding when they found out But it's like we have changed so many things about our day for this baby and it's always on the fly or never asked of us.  We are just told.

    Then stand up for yourselves.  "No, sorry FSIL, it will not work for us to have baby attend the ceremony or reception."  "No FMIL, you must be mistaken.  We are not changing x, y, and z." 

    I'm not sure the size of your house, but can you do the raunchy parts of the bach away from your FMIL?  Do you have a basement where you can stay away from FMIL while she is in the living room?

    A good rule of thumb, if parents ever say they are coming, always assume the child is coming with them.  Unless the parents specifically state that baby is staying home, just assume the baby is coming.  It makes it easier on you.

    Lastly, you are going to be a married woman and are already living with your FI.  Your FMIL probably knows you have both had sex already.    And bach partys can be raunchy fun, I'm sure your FMIL knows that as well.  Be proactive about it and don't be embarrassed.  "FMIL, I just wanted to let you know that my friends have planned some adult themed games for us before we leave for the restaurant/bar.  I know that you are conservative and may want to stay out of the way when these games are going on.  Perhaps you can hang out in the kitchen, guest bedroom (as long as there is a TV or some sort of entertainment) while we are in the living room/basement."

    short+sassycharlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • Ok I need to clarify.  I could care less about the baby at the bachelorette.  She wont remember.  I'm not sure about All that's going on but from what my friends said there involved some sort of blow up man shaped ring toss.  My fmil is extremely conservative.  The raunchiest of the activities are to be going on at my house.  We are in 3 days out.  She texted at 130am and didn't tell me.  Sorry for my misuse of words I should have used raunchy instead of real.  Honestly I didn't expect both of them to come.  I am mortified that we have to tell my fmil I'm embarrassed to have her around my house this weekend.  I want the raunchy silly bachelorette cuz I thought it would be fun.  And Like i said I would have understood if one of them dropped out of the wedding when they found out But it's like we have changed so many things about our day for this baby and it's always on the fly or never asked of us.  We are just told.

    The baby is ~4mo - so assuming that FSIL announced the pregnancy at the end of the first trimester, you've been aware of the baby for 10+ months. This isn't exactly unexpected.


    You mentioned that fSIL was not pregnant when she and fBIL were asked to be in the wedding party, which means that you asked them at least 13 months ago.

    Did you expect people to put their lives on hold (for more than a year!) until you got married? What would you have done if another WP member had a child?


    Maybe they're the only couple that's invited that had children, but when you plan a DW, you need to understand that it can be very difficult for parents to travel overnight without their kids - even with a good local support system. When you tell parents that their kids aren't invited to the DW, you're putting them in a difficult spot - they need to figure out extended childcare or decline. Like I said in my PP - if someone knowingly put me in that position, I'd be pissed off. I would assume they expected me to decline, and would be reevaluating my relationship with that person - why bother to "invite" me at all?

    It sounds like you were hoping that your fSIL and her H would quit the wedding party once she got pregnant, or decide they weren't going to attend the wedding - which is honestly pretty shitty. It sounds like they are trying to fulfill the commitment that they made to be in the WP.

    The only change that you really needed to make was agreeing to allow one exception to the "no kids" rule, and let your fSIL and her H bring their infant. They can sort out the logistics of what to do with the baby once they get there.

  • “No, your mother cannot be here.”
    charlotte989875southernbelle0915InLoveInQueenseileenrob
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