Wedding Party

Bridesmaid Drama

edited January 12 in Wedding Party
So my girls in my WP consist of my sisters as Maid of Honor and Matron of Honor, and 4 friends. The friends are all close knit, we all are in a group chat, and do wine night together regularly for many years. 4 of the 5 of us used to work together, and we all stood up in 1 of the girls weddings last year. 

I was a little iffy on who to ask to stand up in my wedding. To have an even wedding party I only had 2 spots open as my FH has 4 guys. I thought about it for weeks, and decided to ask them all for multiple reasons, and to keep things more drama free than choosing 2 of the 4. So we will have an uneven WP, but oh well.

TBH my gut was not happy a week or so after I asked them all to be in it... I should've stuck with my original "just family and maybe 1 friend" plan. I knew something was going to make me regret it.

The one I was most iffy on, I've actually been friends with the longest (10 years). We used to be extremely close, we drifted apart after she hurt me MULTIPLE times and I forgave but never forgot. We still remained friends, but not attached at the hip like we used to be. But because of our history and her being in multiple friends groups of mine, I couldn't imagine not asking her if I asked other friends. To add to it, her uncle is my photographer, and her sister is my make up artist (also a friend).

This week she started yelling at me via text, saying I tried to take down her business. I had no idea what was going on, she just started this MLM business last month. I realized it's because I told a mutual friend that I would never buy the product she sells because of all of the complaints on the internet about that product. I never told said friend to not buy it, I simply said I wouldn't, and to do her research. Also, I had already texted my BM beforehand, to say I didn't think it was a good idea to sell this product. I was upfront and honest with her first, not two-faced.  She ignored me and kept selling it anyways, which is fine, thats her choice. She sent me 30 text messages today yelling at me, including things like "you are a terrible friend, I am done with this friendship, don't talk to me again".  She then started apologizing, and begging for forgiveness when she realized what she was doing. As she's apologizing to me, she is texting a mutual friend and completely bashing me (doing the exact thing she accused me of doing, except WAY worse and making it personal). 

My gut says I should talk to her and tell her that she can still come celebrate with us, but not as a BM. Try to keep it somewhat friendly, but I really do not want her standing up next to me for a day i'll remember the rest of my life. I'm not even sure I like her as a person anymore. I realize this may end my friendship for her, but honestly who needs a "Friend" who does this stuff?  I was already on the fence about asking her, and this just showed me her true colors even more. I'd explain how she has done a lot of things to hurt me and other people throughout the years, and I'm sick of feeling like this, and don't need extra stress leading up to that day.

I'm just not looking forward to the drama of the mutual friends, photographer and make up artist... which is really the only thing holding me back. 

I was going to offer to buy her bridesmaids dress. That is the only thing shes paid for, and she's also actually the only BM who hasn't offered to help me with planning at all. Not that that is required, but again.. just shows that I have much better friends.

What would you do? 

Re: Bridesmaid Drama

  • I wouldn’t have asked her in the first place. I certainly wouldn’t now create a whole drama over kicking her out. 
  • edited January 12
    Wow. I’m the one who is not an adult? Way to completely rant on a strangers post. I was just asking for opinions I didn’t need to be treated like garbage. 

    And it’s not just “but my wedding”.... the wedding question came up hours after she told me she wanted to end the friendship. My wedding is in 6 months not 6 years. I don’t want more shit to go wrong and ask her to step down when she’s invested more time and money. 

    My photographer and MUA are related to the BM. Did you not read my post? 

    You have drama issues if you spend your time talking down to people who post in forums asking for advice in a shitty situation. Not me. 

    Easy for people to say they wouldn’t have asked her in the first place. Like you specifically know her.   Besides how is telling me I shouldn’t have asked her in the first place helpful at all? Like I have a time machine to go back and not ask her? TRUST ME. I wish I did 

  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited January 12
    Wow. I’m the one who is not an adult? Way to completely rant on a strangers post. I was just asking for opinions I didn’t need to be treated like garbage. 

    And it’s not just “but my wedding”.... the wedding question came up hours after she told me she wanted to end the friendship. My wedding is in 6 months not 6 years. I don’t want more shit to go wrong and ask her to step down when she’s invested more time and money. 

    My photographer and MUA are related to the BM. Did you not read my post? 

    You have drama issues if you spend your time talking down to people who post in forums asking for advice in a shitty situation. Not me. 

    Easy for people to say they wouldn’t have asked her in the first place. Like you specifically know her.   Besides how is telling me I shouldn’t have asked her in the first place helpful at all? Like I have a time machine to go back and not ask her? TRUST ME. I wish I did 

    Look, you posted on an open forum and gave us the information.  No one was rude to you.  You were given sound, realistic advice.  Once you ask someone to be in your wedding party, you cannot un-ask them.  Period.

    Go over to her house and talk sympathetically and calmly to her.  Do not mention your wedding.  Listen to what she says.  This is what a friend does when her friend is upset and emotional.  Since you asked her to be your bridesmaid, you must have considered her to be your friend, right?  Otherwise, you were just using her to "fill in", which is a very rude and selfish thing for you to have done.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MissKittyDangerInLoveInQueens
  • CMGragain said:
    Wow. I’m the one who is not an adult? Way to completely rant on a strangers post. I was just asking for opinions I didn’t need to be treated like garbage. 

    And it’s not just “but my wedding”.... the wedding question came up hours after she told me she wanted to end the friendship. My wedding is in 6 months not 6 years. I don’t want more shit to go wrong and ask her to step down when she’s invested more time and money. 

    My photographer and MUA are related to the BM. Did you not read my post? 

    You have drama issues if you spend your time talking down to people who post in forums asking for advice in a shitty situation. Not me. 

    Easy for people to say they wouldn’t have asked her in the first place. Like you specifically know her.   Besides how is telling me I shouldn’t have asked her in the first place helpful at all? Like I have a time machine to go back and not ask her? TRUST ME. I wish I did 

    Look, you posted on an open forum and gave us the information.  No one was rude to you.  You were given sound, realistic advice.  Once you ask someone to be in your wedding party, you cannot un-ask them.  Period.

    Go over to her house and talk sympathetically and calmly to her.  Listen to what she says.  This is what a friend does when her friend is upset and emotional.  Since you asked her to be your bridesmaid, you must have considered her to be your friend, right?  Otherwise, you were just using her to "fill in", which is a very rude and selfish thing for you to have done.

  • edited January 12
    Fill in? I already told you I had more girls than guys if you read the post, clearly wasn’t using anyone. 

    I asked if if she wanted to talk in person and she was pissed I wasn’t immediately forgiving her as she blew up my phone while I was working. Then proceeded to act like a child and blow up another BMs phone and bash me. So I told her to let me think about it all.

    Yes I asked for opinions but has anyone been nice so far to me at all? Even if you don’t agree with me? Ridiculous. No wonder this world is so insane right now. Immediate hatred. 

    This comment “seriously, why is your first reaction to a close friend having a breakdown, ‘but my weddddddiiiing!!!!’ ?! “ along with the comment about people who say they don’t like drama stir it up? WHY IS THAT NECCESSARY

    I’ll go talk to her but you guys are SERIOUSLY rude. Leaving this forum for good.


  • How old are you?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragain said:
    How old are youCMGragain said:
    How old are you?
    30.  Let me guess you think I’m not acting like an adult like the original comment? 

    I maturely asked her to give me time to cool down before I said things I’d regret. I don’t know how much more mature I can be when my friend if 10 years is yelling at me. 

    I simply was wondering if other brides have been in a similar situation. 

    i regret posting at all. 
  • Your original post is not calm at all.  It is filled with strong emotion.  It is OK to be upset, but to consider kicking a bridesmaid out of your wedding party is just not OK at all.

    I hope you can focus on helping your friend instead of your own emotions.  Things might look better for you in the morning.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MairePoppyInLoveInQueenseileenrobSTARMOON44
  • CMGragain said:
    Your original post is not calm at all.  It is filled with strong emotion.  It is OK to be upset, but to consider kicking a bridesmaid out of your wedding party is just not OK at all.

    I hope you can focus on helping your friend instead of your own emotions.  Things might look better for you in the morning.

    Thank you.

    It’s why I told her to give me time. I know I’m emotional I was attacked this morning by someone who’s hurt me before and I apparently am supposed to just go to her house and be there for her? I’m the innocent one here. 
     It’s not like I just jumped to kicking her out of my wedding but she literally said she was done with our friendship this morning before I even had a chance to defend myself. And proceeded to say extremely hurtful things to my other BM.
    So yes I am considering not having her as a part of the wedding. Not terrible for a brides mind to go there given the circumstances. Friendships should be easy, not this dramatic. I would never do what she did to any of my friends, very eye opening. 
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited January 12
    If you do kick her out of your wedding party, then YOU will be the bad guy, and people will blame you for being uncaring and rude.  Is that what you want to happen?  I don't think so.  This would make HUGE DRAMA!

    As a bridesmaid, her only obligations are to show up in the dress, on time, stand up at the altar with the other bridesmaids, and smile for the pictures.  That is all she has to do.  Any misbehavior on her part will reflect back on her, not on you.  If SHE decides that this is too much for her, you are off the hook, but YOU cannot decide that she is out of the wedding party.  You asked her to be your bridesmaid.  I'm afraid that this is totally on you.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    STARMOON44
  • Yikes, PPs have covered it pretty well, but TALK to her, in person. Admit you were wrong in speaking ill of her new business venture to a mutual friend. Ask her how her life is going, OUTSIDE of your wedding stuff. "Hey [friend], this is really out of character for you, are you alright?" Take her to coffee, go for a run, some kind of casual situation that invites conversation. Treat her like a friend, and then think about if you want to continue the friendship. Kicking someone out of your wedding is often a friendship-ending move.

    It's also important to keep in mind that our own whatevers (wedding, baby, job, marathon training, so on) is never as important to anyone else as it is to us. It may be the biggest thing in our own lives right now, but everyone has their own stuff going on. 

    Are you paying the vendors who are friends of this person like you would a normal vendor? If you have a contract with them, you have some legal recourse should they get upset and not deliver the agreed upon services. If not, use this as a cautionary tale against hiring "friendors." 
  • Wow. I’m the one who is not an adult? Way to completely rant on a strangers post. I was just asking for opinions I didn’t need to be treated like garbage. 

    And it’s not just “but my wedding”.... the wedding question came up hours after she told me she wanted to end the friendship. My wedding is in 6 months not 6 years. I don’t want more shit to go wrong and ask her to step down when she’s invested more time and money. 

    My photographer and MUA are related to the BM. Did you not read my post? 

    You have drama issues if you spend your time talking down to people who post in forums asking for advice in a shitty situation. Not me. 

    Easy for people to say they wouldn’t have asked her in the first place. Like you specifically know her.   Besides how is telling me I shouldn’t have asked her in the first place helpful at all? Like I have a time machine to go back and not ask her? TRUST ME. I wish I did 

    I agree with PP re taking a month or so to cool off, and to take your wedding out of the issues with your friend.  It sounds like you’ve both made some mistakes.

    But to the bolded: one of the best things you can do is hire professional vendors for your wedding, and not use people just because they’re family or friends.  Are the photographer and MUA professionals, with their own followers and positive reviews on wedding websites?  Did you sign contracts with them?  If so, they’ve been hired and have a job to do...and if this is their livelihood, I doubt you have to worry about them flaking just bc of your current issues with your friend.  If they’re just random people who happen
    to be passionate about photography and MU artistry, and they’re not professionals...why’d you hire them?  (Kidding...sort of...but do make sure you have signed contracts with all vendors.)
    MesmrEwesparklepants41InLoveInQueens
  • Fill in? I already told you I had more girls than guys if you read the post, clearly wasn’t using anyone. 

    I asked if if she wanted to talk in person and she was pissed I wasn’t immediately forgiving her as she blew up my phone while I was working. Then proceeded to act like a child and blow up another BMs phone and bash me. So I told her to let me think about it all.

    Yes I asked for opinions but has anyone been nice so far to me at all? Even if you don’t agree with me? Ridiculous. No wonder this world is so insane right now. Immediate hatred. 

    This comment “seriously, why is your first reaction to a close friend having a breakdown, ‘but my weddddddiiiing!!!!’ ?! “ along with the comment about people who say they don’t like drama stir it up? WHY IS THAT NECCESSARY

    I’ll go talk to her but you guys are SERIOUSLY rude. Leaving this forum for good.


    Well, I certainly cannot understand why you would have drama?
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • MesmrEwe said:
    Wow. I’m the one who is not an adult? Way to completely rant on a strangers post. I was just asking for opinions I didn’t need to be treated like garbage. 

    And it’s not just “but my wedding”.... the wedding question came up hours after she told me she wanted to end the friendship. My wedding is in 6 months not 6 years. I don’t want more shit to go wrong and ask her to step down when she’s invested more time and money. 

    My photographer and MUA are related to the BM. Did you not read my post? 

    You have drama issues if you spend your time talking down to people who post in forums asking for advice in a shitty situation. Not me. 

    Easy for people to say they wouldn’t have asked her in the first place. Like you specifically know her.   Besides how is telling me I shouldn’t have asked her in the first place helpful at all? Like I have a time machine to go back and not ask her? TRUST ME. I wish I did 

    One of the sayings is "Weddings, Babies, and Funerals bring out the best and the worst in people."  Lay low for a month or two and things will either blow completely over or you're going to have your answer, and stop with the texting communications, pick up the phone instead of letting it progress to 30 crazy texts or go for coffee/hot chocolate.  There shouldn't be any drama with your MUA and Photographer if she's no longer in your wedding if they are paid vendors.  If they're paid vendors, they understand that this type of thing happens.  If you've already made up your mind, this is a friendship ending move, but whatever you decide, own it!  This won't be the first nor the last relationship broken up by the ponzi scheme known as MLM companies.  


    So frickin true. I keep reading that. The sad thing is this does have nothing to do with the wedding, maybe my patience is thin because i'm dealing with my wedding, and i'm just seeing her without blinders on.

    Yeah, I wasn't worried the MUA and photographer will back out, but i'm worried it will be awkward. I should clarify that. They are paid vendors. The photographer is very well known and professional, just happens to be her uncle who's wife got the BM into this MLM scheme in the first place. OY vey!. 

    Thank you for looking at my side of things and giving me sound advice. I will give it time before I make a decision. 
  • Fill in? I already told you I had more girls than guys if you read the post, clearly wasn’t using anyone. 

    I asked if if she wanted to talk in person and she was pissed I wasn’t immediately forgiving her as she blew up my phone while I was working. Then proceeded to act like a child and blow up another BMs phone and bash me. So I told her to let me think about it all.

    Yes I asked for opinions but has anyone been nice so far to me at all? Even if you don’t agree with me? Ridiculous. No wonder this world is so insane right now. Immediate hatred. 

    This comment “seriously, why is your first reaction to a close friend having a breakdown, ‘but my weddddddiiiing!!!!’ ?! “ along with the comment about people who say they don’t like drama stir it up? WHY IS THAT NECCESSARY

    I’ll go talk to her but you guys are SERIOUSLY rude. Leaving this forum for good.


    Well, I certainly cannot understand why you would have drama?


    Assuming you're being sarcastic here. Not needed when I'm dealing with enough. 
  • edited January 12
    eileenrob said:
    Wow. I’m the one who is not an adult? Way to completely rant on a strangers post. I was just asking for opinions I didn’t need to be treated like garbage. 

    And it’s not just “but my wedding”.... the wedding question came up hours after she told me she wanted to end the friendship. My wedding is in 6 months not 6 years. I don’t want more shit to go wrong and ask her to step down when she’s invested more time and money. 

    My photographer and MUA are related to the BM. Did you not read my post? 

    You have drama issues if you spend your time talking down to people who post in forums asking for advice in a shitty situation. Not me. 

    Easy for people to say they wouldn’t have asked her in the first place. Like you specifically know her.   Besides how is telling me I shouldn’t have asked her in the first place helpful at all? Like I have a time machine to go back and not ask her? TRUST ME. I wish I did 

    I agree with PP re taking a month or so to cool off, and to take your wedding out of the issues with your friend.  It sounds like you’ve both made some mistakes.

    But to the bolded: one of the best things you can do is hire professional vendors for your wedding, and not use people just because they’re family or friends.  Are the photographer and MUA professionals, with their own followers and positive reviews on wedding websites?  Did you sign contracts with them?  If so, they’ve been hired and have a job to do...and if this is their livelihood, I doubt you have to worry about them flaking just bc of your current issues with your friend.  If they’re just random people who happen
    to be passionate about photography and MU artistry, and they’re not professionals...why’d you hire them?  (Kidding...sort of...but do make sure you have signed contracts with all vendors.)
    They're professional, but also extremely close relatives of the BM. I have a signed contract iwth the photographer and a deposit put down. The MUA no, but she also is the photographers assistant so she's kind of tied in as well. There will be awkwardness haha. I'm hoping they realize it happens, but we'll see. 

    Yeah I decided after posting I need to just figure out the friendship first and not worry about my wedding until after we decide if we're even going to be friends. I have dealt with her BS for a very long time so I'm going to talk with her and be honest. She may want to step down after the conversation, I dont' know.
  • This has nothing to do with your wedding. It has everything to do with whether you want to be friends with this person in the long term. You need to take some time to cool off (like a couple weeks at least) before you make any decisions. 

    Kicking someone out of your wedding will end the friendship permanently. So just know that. 

    If you ask her to step down, you should pay her back for anything you’ve asked her to buy for the wedding (dress, shoes, accessories, etc.). 

    I agree... trust me. And paying her back is why I started thinking about this already yesterday.. she has only bought a dress... the longer I  drag on a decision the more money she'll have invested and things she has committed to. I'll feel more stuck down the road. 

    I'll take time to cool off. I haven't spoken with her since I told her I needed time yesterday. I wrote out a letter last night of ALL my feelings so I wouldn't take it out on her (never sent it). I plan to reach out to her to talk, but I want to think things over first.

    Thanks for taking time to respond. 
    MairePoppysouthernbelle0915sparklepants41short+sassy
  • edited January 12
    Fill in? I already told you I had more girls than guys if you read the post, clearly wasn’t using anyone. 

    I asked if if she wanted to talk in person and she was pissed I wasn’t immediately forgiving her as she blew up my phone while I was working. Then proceeded to act like a child and blow up another BMs phone and bash me. So I told her to let me think about it all.

    Yes I asked for opinions but has anyone been nice so far to me at all? Even if you don’t agree with me? Ridiculous. No wonder this world is so insane right now. Immediate hatred. 

    This comment “seriously, why is your first reaction to a close friend having a breakdown, ‘but my weddddddiiiing!!!!’ ?! “ along with the comment about people who say they don’t like drama stir it up? WHY IS THAT NECCESSARY

    I’ll go talk to her but you guys are SERIOUSLY rude. Leaving this forum for good.


    I stand by my statement. If one of your nearest and dearest friend is blowing up your phone, talking about ending a friendship and is clearly in distress about something I did (rightly or wrongly). My first reaction isn’t going to be whether or not she is still going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Your wedding is important to you, your fi, and no one else. To most others, they are happy to be there, but it’s a party. This is critical in planning a wedding and managing your expectations. All a BM has to do is show up on the day, in the dress. 

    Her behaviour was wrong and out of order, but have you actually taken time to speak to her- not by text, not through another friend, but to call her up and say ‘Jane, what is going on- clearly you are upset, but before this let’s talk about the facts here.’ (Frankly, I agree with you, MLMs are a pyramid scam that are designed to manipulate your friends and family to pity-buy subpar products with heavy sales tactics and emotional manipulation. The fact they prey on mostly young mums, really drives me batty. But that is neither here nor there). The point is, you need to speak to her directly (not text! Not email!) and try to at least understand her without bringing up your wedding. 

    Its just seems tgat that you have viewed this friend crisis completely through the Lens of your wedding: if I kick her out will that affect me, my makeup on my wedding day and my photog? Rather than: whoa! my friend is clearly having a crisis. Let me try to sort it out. 

    And all of this started with gossiping, and is continuing with gossiping, so I also stand by my assessment that this is feeling ‘drama’. 

    You have six months. The panic in your post made me think your wedding was in a month! 

    Here is is how I would handle it: 
    1.) speak to her on the phone or in person. Start with: ‘I know it is a really stressful time right now so emotions are heightened, but can we please talk about the other day. It seems like you have a lot of anger towards me, we’re threatening to end our friendship and a bit more. That hurt me and makes me sad, so I’d like to understand what led you to this.’ Then LISTEN. Don’t interrupt her with corrections. Let her talk. When she is done, calmly tell her your side without being accusatory. DO NOT BRING UP YOUR WEDDING AT ALL!!!

    2.) depending on how you feel, if you still need time, you could say something like: ‘I’m glad we could speak about this. Let’s take a couple weeks apart to think about this and regroup once emotions aren’t so high.’

    3.) Take the next few weeks to reassess your friendship. However, there is no way to ‘demote’ someone from a BM to a guest. Your options are a.) continue as planned or b.) kick her out, end the relationship, and hopefully never see her again. 

    I get it, wedding planning is stressful and takes over your life. Just dont let it actually take over your life by allowing your wedding planning to dictatefriendships, and how you handle relationships.  Because it will be incredibly lonely in 6 months and 1 week. 

    FWIW- I would do 1&2. Regroup with her in a month. Then take a small step back from the intensity of the friendship. I’d still have her as a BM, ignore her if she kicks off (don’t internalise it), and then decide if I want to let the friendship die after the wedding. Because kicking someone out a.) is a massive drama-causer b.) makes you look like a crazy control wedding meanie. 


    Again.... my wedding was NOT my first reaction... this post was a good 12 hours after she started texting me. It was an after thought after we were no longer speaking and I was wondering if I should just end this toxic friendship. So please stop acting like I'm a bridezilla.

    I'll agree I was seeing it through my own lense yesterday. I appreciate you telling me to take a look at it differently that maybe she has something going on in her life, I will ask her before I get into anything about how I feel when I'm ready to speak with her about it. 

    The hardest thing for me isn't even that hse yelled at me. It's that she yelled at me, kept apologizing and asking why I wasn't forgiving her. Then another BM I had told about it (no details, just brief overview of how she was yelling at me) of mine sent me screen shots of her completely bashing me behind my back. So you are just apologizing with me so i'm not mad at you? but you're not even sorry? Mutual friend just told her she didn't want to get in the middle of us.... BM CONTINUED to send her texts. I told her not to send me those, but great to know she sent who knows how many texts to her, and maybe other friends about me and the details of why she yelled at me. 

    Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. FWIW.. I did NOT bring up my wedding yesterday... it was simply something I worried about when I was replaying our friendship in my head, wondering if I made a massive mistake asking her.

    The only reason I rushed to post in here and was considering "kicking her out" is because i don't want her to invest more time and money into the wedding festivities and then I decide down the road it's not going to work.  I'll take some time to think... and go from there. I don't want to kick her out, I know that would reflect very poorly on me even if what she says during our talk is horrible and untrue, no one else will know that. I also find it hard to imagine ending my friendship with her for good, but is it for the right reasons? Or is it because of our mutual friendships.
    Honestly a part of me hopes she steps down after we talk, and we can be civil about it all, but maybe i'll have a different feeling once I meet up with her and am honest with her and see what is going on and why she is acting so childish (but not say it that way).


  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited January 13
    Fill in? I already told you I had more girls than guys if you read the post, clearly wasn’t using anyone. 

    I asked if if she wanted to talk in person and she was pissed I wasn’t immediately forgiving her as she blew up my phone while I was working. Then proceeded to act like a child and blow up another BMs phone and bash me. So I told her to let me think about it all.

    Yes I asked for opinions but has anyone been nice so far to me at all? Even if you don’t agree with me? Ridiculous. No wonder this world is so insane right now. Immediate hatred. 

    This comment “seriously, why is your first reaction to a close friend having a breakdown, ‘but my weddddddiiiing!!!!’ ?! “ along with the comment about people who say they don’t like drama stir it up? WHY IS THAT NECCESSARY

    I’ll go talk to her but you guys are SERIOUSLY rude. Leaving this forum for good.


    I stand by my statement. If one of your nearest and dearest friend is blowing up your phone, talking about ending a friendship and is clearly in distress about something I did (rightly or wrongly). My first reaction isn’t going to be whether or not she is still going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Your wedding is important to you, your fi, and no one else. To most others, they are happy to be there, but it’s a party. This is critical in planning a wedding and managing your expectations. All a BM has to do is show up on the day, in the dress. 

    Her behaviour was wrong and out of order, but have you actually taken time to speak to her- not by text, not through another friend, but to call her up and say ‘Jane, what is going on- clearly you are upset, but before this let’s talk about the facts here.’ (Frankly, I agree with you, MLMs are a pyramid scam that are designed to manipulate your friends and family to pity-buy subpar products with heavy sales tactics and emotional manipulation. The fact they prey on mostly young mums, really drives me batty. But that is neither here nor there). The point is, you need to speak to her directly (not text! Not email!) and try to at least understand her without bringing up your wedding. 

    Its just seems tgat that you have viewed this friend crisis completely through the Lens of your wedding: if I kick her out will that affect me, my makeup on my wedding day and my photog? Rather than: whoa! my friend is clearly having a crisis. Let me try to sort it out. 

    And all of this started with gossiping, and is continuing with gossiping, so I also stand by my assessment that this is feeling ‘drama’. 

    You have six months. The panic in your post made me think your wedding was in a month! 

    Here is is how I would handle it: 
    1.) speak to her on the phone or in person. Start with: ‘I know it is a really stressful time right now so emotions are heightened, but can we please talk about the other day. It seems like you have a lot of anger towards me, we’re threatening to end our friendship and a bit more. That hurt me and makes me sad, so I’d like to understand what led you to this.’ Then LISTEN. Don’t interrupt her with corrections. Let her talk. When she is done, calmly tell her your side without being accusatory. DO NOT BRING UP YOUR WEDDING AT ALL!!!

    2.) depending on how you feel, if you still need time, you could say something like: ‘I’m glad we could speak about this. Let’s take a couple weeks apart to think about this and regroup once emotions aren’t so high.’

    3.) Take the next few weeks to reassess your friendship. However, there is no way to ‘demote’ someone from a BM to a guest. Your options are a.) continue as planned or b.) kick her out, end the relationship, and hopefully never see her again. 

    I get it, wedding planning is stressful and takes over your life. Just dont let it actually take over your life by allowing your wedding planning to dictatefriendships, and how you handle relationships.  Because it will be incredibly lonely in 6 months and 1 week. 

    FWIW- I would do 1&2. Regroup with her in a month. Then take a small step back from the intensity of the friendship. I’d still have her as a BM, ignore her if she kicks off (don’t internalise it), and then decide if I want to let the friendship die after the wedding. Because kicking someone out a.) is a massive drama-causer b.) makes you look like a crazy control wedding meanie. 


    Again.... my wedding was NOT my first reaction... this post was a good 12 hours after she started texting me. It was an after thought after we were no longer speaking and I was wondering if I should just end this toxic friendship. So please stop acting like I'm a bridezilla.

    I'll agree I was seeing it through my own lense yesterday. I appreciate you telling me to take a look at it differently that maybe she has something going on in her life, I will ask her before I get into anything about how I feel when I'm ready to speak with her about it. 

    The hardest thing for me isn't even that hse yelled at me. It's that she yelled at me, kept apologizing and asking why I wasn't forgiving her. Then another BM I had told about it (no details, just brief overview of how she was yelling at me) of mine sent me screen shots of her completely bashing me behind my back. So you are just apologizing with me so i'm not mad at you? but you're not even sorry? Mutual friend just told her she didn't want to get in the middle of us.... BM CONTINUED to send her texts. I told her not to send me those, but great to know she sent who knows how many texts to her, and maybe other friends about me and the details of why she yelled at me. 

    Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. FWIW.. I did NOT bring up my wedding yesterday... it was simply something I worried about when I was replaying our friendship in my head, wondering if I made a massive mistake asking her.

    The only reason I rushed to post in here and was considering "kicking her out" is because i don't want her to invest more time and money into the wedding festivities and then I decide down the road it's not going to work.  I'll take some time to think... and go from there. I don't want to kick her out, I know that would reflect very poorly on me even if what she says during our talk is horrible and untrue, no one else will know that. I also find it hard to imagine ending my friendship with her for good, but is it for the right reasons? Or is it because of our mutual friendships.
    Honestly a part of me hopes she steps down after we talk, and we can be civil about it all, but maybe i'll have a different feeling once I meet up with her and am honest with her and see what is going on and why she is acting so childish (but not say it that way).


    1.) you still haven't spoken to her about it in person. The fact that you want to make a decision about her being a BM before you can even speak to her shows that, yes, you are thinking about your wedding before the friendship. 
    2.) you are still gossiping with other people about this

    Handle your business. Stop gossiping and speak to her! You don't have to forgive her, but you need to figure out what the F happened by being an adult and getting the facts. 

    Your posts go from zero to rage, to frustration, to defensiveness. I understand the pressure, but you are going to drive yourself batty with anxiety. Take a breath, figure out the situation by SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO THE PERSON, then make a decision. 

    I don't understand how you can decide one way or the other about this friendship without figuring out what exactly happened. 
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • I’m sorry you’re having drama with your friends. As others have said, take the wedding out of it first and address the issue for what it is.  

    I agree with PPs that you need to lay low for a bit and then talk to her in person. If she wants your forgiveness right now, calmly tell her you need time to cool off, but will be ready to talk by X date, and would she like to grab coffee together then to chat. If she reacts poorly to that, simply disengage and circle back when you can respond without emotion. You can’t control her words/actions/emotions but you have complete control over your response. 

    As for keeping her in your WP or not - as others have said, you still have 6 months until the wedding. There is no need to make a decision now while emotions are high on both sides. Not only would kicking her out be a friendship ending move with her, it could also create drama with the other girls since it seems the others are all close too. You wouldn’t want to put your other friends in a position where they feel they have to “choose sides” would you? If in a few months you still feel that you simply cannot have her stand by your side on your wedding day, you’ll just need to be prepared for the possible repercussions, which could include strained friendships with the other girls. 

    I know now it’s hard to see this now, but when all is said and done, having her in the WP even if you never speak after the wedding really won’t matter. You’ll be married, she’ll be in a few photos, and years from now looking back you’ll see a group of women who were all your best friends at a point in your life. Truly the rest won’t matter, you’re marrying the love of your life. 
    ILoveBeachMusiccharlotte989875short+sassy
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