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Leave them alone. You're a nightmare.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes
Q. Son won’t have children: We are concerned our only son isn’t having children. Every time we bring it up with him, he seems to have a new excuse. Recently when we tried to discuss this with our daughter-in-law directly, she said her high-powered career would be severely impacted if she didn’t plan child-bearing carefully because she doesn’t get paid parental leave at her workplace. We tried to encourage her by saying that she doesn’t even need to work since our son is very successful and we have considerable means. This seems to have offended her greatly. How do we convince them that we only want them to be happy?
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Re: Leave them alone. You're a nightmare.

  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    GBCK said:
    How do we convince them that we only want them to be happy?
    Maybe by only wanting them to be happy?
    children =/= happiness for everyone
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    Goodness, that ungrateful b**ch!!  How dare she put her career...that I'm sure she has spent years of education and experience cultivating...above your need to have grandchildren.

    Because, who doesn't want to be partially supported by their overbearing and sexist ILs, amiright?

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  • GBCKGBCK member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    GBCK said:
    How do we convince them that we only want them to be happy?
    Maybe by only wanting them to be happy?
    children =/= happiness for everyone
    That was kinda what I was hoping to imply there.
    If you just want them to be happy, you're not putting in a vote on the kid/no kid thing.  (Heaven knows that the kid/no kid thing wasn't a sure thing or an easy choice in my life)
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    Oh man, this was former MIL who told me I was selfish and would die in a nursing home alone for not having children.

    So yeah, LW, if your DIL is anything like me, she'll stop speaking to your sorry, overinvolved, opinionated ass.  Shut up...your children don't owe you grandchildren and they're adults making adult decisions.  Stay out of it.
    �
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    I "get" that parenting is rewarding and I'm happy that DH and I have kids.   But I absolutely can't stand any pressure to have, have more, have less or stop with the kids.   It's a personal decision involving many things.

    The LW has done herself zero favors here.   Speak of the joys of having kids ONE TIME EVER in conversation and let it go.   DO NOT INSERT YOURSELF IN THEIR FINANCES.

    The LW needs to apologize to her son and DIL now.  
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    GBCK said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    GBCK said:
    How do we convince them that we only want them to be happy?
    Maybe by only wanting them to be happy?
    children =/= happiness for everyone
    That was kinda what I was hoping to imply there.
    If you just want them to be happy, you're not putting in a vote on the kid/no kid thing.  (Heaven knows that the kid/no kid thing wasn't a sure thing or an easy choice in my life)
    Oh not discrediting, just adding :) 
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    This is horrifying.  LW is sexist for trying to sway the DIL but not son to put the career aside, out of touch to think that the back burner career issue is just about money, and just plain old effed up to be unable to accept that not all people want kids.  

    She owes them a huge apology. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    I cannot with this woman. She is lucky they haven’t cut her out of their lives entirely. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Q. Son won’t have children: We are concerned our only son isn’t having children. Every time we bring it up with him, he seems to have a new excuse. Recently when we tried to discuss this with our daughter-in-law directly, she said her high-powered career would be severely impacted if she didn’t plan child-bearing carefully because she doesn’t get paid parental leave at her workplace. We tried to encourage her by saying that she doesn’t even need to work since our son is very successful and we have considerable means. This seems to have offended her greatly. How do we convince them that we only want them to be happy?
    JFC. This sounds like my in-laws. "But why do you work when our son has a great job? Don't you want to be a mother? Wouldn't you feel horrible leaving your children anyway?"

    Ok, 1) Because I  have a great job too, I like my job, and I like simply HAVING a job. It makes me feel secure, independent, and productive. 2) It's hard to believe in 2017, but women can be mothers and work. 3) WHY DON'T PEOPLE ASK MEN THIS QUESTION?

    These people sound awful. Nosy parents are one thing. Nosy, controlling, judgy, sexist, obtuse parents are unbearable. These are the same type of people who will be pissed if the son does have a kid and doesn't name it after them. SMH.
    2018 too, I hear! 

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  • MRDCleMRDCle member
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    When I read this letter, I assumed it HAD to be fake. Are there people really that obtuse out there?
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    CharmedPam said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Q. Son won’t have children: We are concerned our only son isn’t having children. Every time we bring it up with him, he seems to have a new excuse. Recently when we tried to discuss this with our daughter-in-law directly, she said her high-powered career would be severely impacted if she didn’t plan child-bearing carefully because she doesn’t get paid parental leave at her workplace. We tried to encourage her by saying that she doesn’t even need to work since our son is very successful and we have considerable means. This seems to have offended her greatly. How do we convince them that we only want them to be happy?
    JFC. This sounds like my in-laws. "But why do you work when our son has a great job? Don't you want to be a mother? Wouldn't you feel horrible leaving your children anyway?"

    Ok, 1) Because I  have a great job too, I like my job, and I like simply HAVING a job. It makes me feel secure, independent, and productive. 2) It's hard to believe in 2017, but women can be mothers and work. 3) WHY DON'T PEOPLE ASK MEN THIS QUESTION?

    These people sound awful. Nosy parents are one thing. Nosy, controlling, judgy, sexist, obtuse parents are unbearable. These are the same type of people who will be pissed if the son does have a kid and doesn't name it after them. SMH.
    2018 too, I hear! 
    omgggg... I've been spending the last 3 weeks changing my 7's to 8's. I should know this by now. LOL!
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    edited January 2018
    southernbelle0915 said:
    CharmedPam said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Q. Son won’t have children: We are concerned our only son isn’t having children. Every time we bring it up with him, he seems to have a new excuse. Recently when we tried to discuss this with our daughter-in-law directly, she said her high-powered career would be severely impacted if she didn’t plan child-bearing carefully because she doesn’t get paid parental leave at her workplace. We tried to encourage her by saying that she doesn’t even need to work since our son is very successful and we have considerable means. This seems to have offended her greatly. How do we convince them that we only want them to be happy?
    JFC. This sounds like my in-laws. "But why do you work when our son has a great job? Don't you want to be a mother? Wouldn't you feel horrible leaving your children anyway?"

    Ok, 1) Because I  have a great job too, I like my job, and I like simply HAVING a job. It makes me feel secure, independent, and productive. 2) It's hard to believe in 2017, but women can be mothers and work. 3) WHY DON'T PEOPLE ASK MEN THIS QUESTION?

    These people sound awful. Nosy parents are one thing. Nosy, controlling, judgy, sexist, obtuse parents are unbearable. These are the same type of people who will be pissed if the son does have a kid and doesn't name it after them. SMH.
    2018 too, I hear! 
    omgggg... I've been spending the last 3 weeks changing my 7's to 8's. I should know this by now. LOL!
    Same. I relate to this too much:




    It's almost worse when you - FOR WHATEVER REASON MY BRAIN HAS - write 2016 :|
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    CharmedPam said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Q. Son won’t have children: We are concerned our only son isn’t having children. Every time we bring it up with him, he seems to have a new excuse. Recently when we tried to discuss this with our daughter-in-law directly, she said her high-powered career would be severely impacted if she didn’t plan child-bearing carefully because she doesn’t get paid parental leave at her workplace. We tried to encourage her by saying that she doesn’t even need to work since our son is very successful and we have considerable means. This seems to have offended her greatly. How do we convince them that we only want them to be happy?
    JFC. This sounds like my in-laws. "But why do you work when our son has a great job? Don't you want to be a mother? Wouldn't you feel horrible leaving your children anyway?"

    Ok, 1) Because I  have a great job too, I like my job, and I like simply HAVING a job. It makes me feel secure, independent, and productive. 2) It's hard to believe in 2017, but women can be mothers and work. 3) WHY DON'T PEOPLE ASK MEN THIS QUESTION?

    These people sound awful. Nosy parents are one thing. Nosy, controlling, judgy, sexist, obtuse parents are unbearable. These are the same type of people who will be pissed if the son does have a kid and doesn't name it after them. SMH.
    2018 too, I hear! 
    omgggg... I've been spending the last 3 weeks changing my 7's to 8's. I should know this by now. LOL!
    Same. I relate to this too much:




    It's almost worse when you - FOR WHATEVER REASON MY BRAIN HAS - write 2016 :|


    I input dates A LOT in my job.  In fact, I had to start retraining my brain in Dec. for eta delivery dates in 2018.

    It has been very challenging, lol.

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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    short+sassy said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    CharmedPam said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Q. Son won’t have children: We are concerned our only son isn’t having children. Every time we bring it up with him, he seems to have a new excuse. Recently when we tried to discuss this with our daughter-in-law directly, she said her high-powered career would be severely impacted if she didn’t plan child-bearing carefully because she doesn’t get paid parental leave at her workplace. We tried to encourage her by saying that she doesn’t even need to work since our son is very successful and we have considerable means. This seems to have offended her greatly. How do we convince them that we only want them to be happy?
    JFC. This sounds like my in-laws. "But why do you work when our son has a great job? Don't you want to be a mother? Wouldn't you feel horrible leaving your children anyway?"

    Ok, 1) Because I  have a great job too, I like my job, and I like simply HAVING a job. It makes me feel secure, independent, and productive. 2) It's hard to believe in 2017, but women can be mothers and work. 3) WHY DON'T PEOPLE ASK MEN THIS QUESTION?

    These people sound awful. Nosy parents are one thing. Nosy, controlling, judgy, sexist, obtuse parents are unbearable. These are the same type of people who will be pissed if the son does have a kid and doesn't name it after them. SMH.
    2018 too, I hear! 
    omgggg... I've been spending the last 3 weeks changing my 7's to 8's. I should know this by now. LOL!
    Same. I relate to this too much:




    It's almost worse when you - FOR WHATEVER REASON MY BRAIN HAS - write 2016 :|


    I input dates A LOT in my job.  In fact, I had to start retraining my brain in Dec. for eta delivery dates in 2018.

    It has been very challenging, lol.

    Recently I wrote "2016" changed it to "2017" then realized it was "2018"
    I apologized because it was something I was doing for a client .... they understood for the most part {minus 2016 lmfao}
    It was a mess :') 
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    MRDCle said:
    When I read this letter, I assumed it HAD to be fake. Are there people really that obtuse out there?
    Yep... js
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    there's also a chance that the couple does want kids and have fertility issues, which they don't want to discuss with MIL (cause it;s none of her business). 

    the son needs to step in and give his mom a "ho sit down" card. "i'm not sure why you're so interested in your son's sex life, but you need to cut it out. every time you mention grand kids, we're adding a year before we start trying."

    I have a good friend that probably could have written this. hopefully her MIL isn't like LW, but she and her H both have high profile jobs (her more so).  she's not 100% sold on kids to begin with, but work life balance would be a big thing for her, and she sure as all hell didn't get an MD and work hard for years to get a high profile industry job to drop it to be a SAHM. She was awkward with Wolverine, and our kid is fairly easy going. It was actually really funny from my standpoint - we were eating dinner at a restaurant, not having her babysit or anything. She wouldn't be happy at all. (Not to mention I really couldn't see her H as a father - i feel like he'd be all, "men don't do that" so the kid would be largely raised by my friend and a nanny)
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    *Barbie* said:
    there's also a chance that the couple does want kids and have fertility issues, which they don't want to discuss with MIL (cause it;s none of her business). 


    All I can say is this is what got MIL to lay off BIL & SIL choosing not to have kids when that was explained...  Never bothered them again!
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    *Barbie* said:
    there's also a chance that the couple does want kids and have fertility issues, which they don't want to discuss with MIL (cause it;s none of her business). 

    the son needs to step in and give his mom a "ho sit down" card. "i'm not sure why you're so interested in your son's sex life, but you need to cut it out. every time you mention grand kids, we're adding a year before we start trying."

    I have a good friend that probably could have written this. hopefully her MIL isn't like LW, but she and her H both have high profile jobs (her more so).  she's not 100% sold on kids to begin with, but work life balance would be a big thing for her, and she sure as all hell didn't get an MD  PhD and work hard for years to get a high profile industry job to drop it to be a SAHM. She was awkward with Wolverine, and our kid is fairly easy going. It was actually really funny from my standpoint - we were eating dinner at a restaurant, not having her babysit or anything. She wouldn't be happy at all. (Not to mention I really couldn't see her H as a father - i feel like he'd be all, "men don't do that" so the kid would be largely raised by my friend and a nanny)
    This is me. I don't know if I want kids; some days I think maybe I do, some days definitely not. I just switched jobs, too. So did H. I make more money, but I've also always had a "better" job and career trajectory than him. My work is important to me. It always has been. And I don't know that I want to change my life for a child. That doesn't make me unhappy, or a bad person. 

    Thank gods my MIL and mother don't hound me like this. If they did I really can't say how I'd handle it, but I know we wouldn't be spending as much time with them. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    Friend of mine doesn't want kids. I asked her what she wanted to do {not in a "why don't you want kids!?" kinda way for reference} and she would rather have dogs and open her own salon. She said that kids didn't fall into that plan for her.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    Friend of mine doesn't want kids. I asked her what she wanted to do {not in a "why don't you want kids!?" kinda way for reference} and she would rather have dogs and open her own salon. She said that kids didn't fall into that plan for her.
    I get what you're saying, but I think even the "what do you want to do" sort of implies she has to do something rather than having kids. As in just living life the way she wants to isn't enough. I'm not saying that's how you meant it, but the default still seems to be having kids and if you don't do then there must be Reasons. 
    With the conversation she implied there was stuff she wanted to do that didn't involve kids
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    Friend of mine doesn't want kids. I asked her what she wanted to do {not in a "why don't you want kids!?" kinda way for reference} and she would rather have dogs and open her own salon. She said that kids didn't fall into that plan for her.
    I get what you're saying, but I think even the "what do you want to do" sort of implies she has to do something rather than having kids. As in just living life the way she wants to isn't enough. I'm not saying that's how you meant it, but the default still seems to be having kids and if you don't do then there must be Reasons. 
    I agree. I have a lot of friends who don't want children. When they tell me, I just point to the hurricane of toys that is my house  or my child melting down and sarcastically say, "what? you don't want ALL this?" then change the topic to something better. 

    There are lots of couples out there who don't want children, full stop. They don't have fertility issues, or anything else going on. They just don't feel the need to have and raise children and that's their choice. It's no one's business. 
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  • kvrunskvruns member
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    *Barbie* said:
    there's also a chance that the couple does want kids and have fertility issues, which they don't want to discuss with MIL (cause it;s none of her business). 


    that is actually where my mind first went
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    Warning: feminist rant

    I'll also add that I get really sick of women having to justify why they want to work. Like "oh well her job pays really well" or "she worked hard for her title" or "she went to school for a long time". I don't care if someone is a CEO or they're a cashier at McDonald's. Neither woman should have to justify why or if she wants to go back to work. Men are NEVER asked these questions "why do you feel you need to go back to work?" or "why don't you just stay home?" or "doesn't your wife support you?"

    It reminds me of last name discussions where people are like "she's keeping it because she's made a name for herself in her field" or "oh well she's published under her maiden name, so it makes sense" or "there's a lot of family history there." No. Men never have to make these excuses or justify their choice to keep their name. They just do it and no questions it or feels the need to justify why they did it. 
    Quoting this just because I love it so much. 

    If LW was my mother, we would not be on speaking terms. Who the hell does she think she is?
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