Wedding Party

FBILs STILL haven't been fitted

FI two brothers who are in the wedding STILL have not gone to get fitted for their tux.  The final choices for the guys was done in October and we're 38 days away from the wedding.  The third brother already said don't expect his family to be there (recall, FMIL hates me and apparently so does said FBIL).  I don't want to keep nagging FI but I'm wigging out now.  If they wait around till the last possible day then say they're not coming, we're screwed.  What would you do?
Met: 5/4/16
Dating: 6/21/16
Engaged: 3/20/17
Wedding: 2/24/18

Re: FBILs STILL haven't been fitted

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    There is no reason to panic about this. Just let it go.

    Your FI can talk to them about their plans, but it really doesn't matter. If they get the tuxes and show up, they're in the wedding. If they don't, they aren't. They know you are getting married next month, and they know they need to get tuxes if they want to be GMs. No amount of nagging them or your FI is going to change that. 

    So what if they don't do it? You won't be screwed by any stretch of the imagination. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    You’re not screwed if they don’t show. You can still go on with your wedding. This is not something to get yourself worked up over. 

    I would personally let sleeping dogs lie at this point. 

    STARMOON44MesmrEweahoyweddingPrettyGirlLost
  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ
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    banana468 said:
    divarhd said:
    FI two brothers who are in the wedding STILL have not gone to get fitted for their tux.  The final choices for the guys was done in October and we're 38 days away from the wedding.  The third brother already said don't expect his family to be there (recall, FMIL hates me and apparently so does said FBIL).  I don't want to keep nagging FI but I'm wigging out now.  If they wait around till the last possible day then say they're not coming, we're screwed.  What would you do?
    Have you opted to invite the step children of your FBIL? Has there been any effort to mend fences since your last post? 

    What's the timing on tuxes?  You're a month away from the wedding.   Are the tuxes rented?  IF so this should be easy peasy and they can get their measurements within plenty of time.

    If they have to buy they STILL have plenty of time.

    FWIW, DH was BM for his BF.   They opted to BUY suits and the wedding was on the 15th.    We drove to look at the suit on the 2nd, had it purchased, delivered, tailored and in hand by the 12th so we could fly to the wedding.  

    There's no reason to flip out about this.   In the meantime I'd just hope that if there's a rift in the family that you think you and your FI can help fix that you work on THAT.   

    If they need to substitute attire or need to rush something, what's the worst that happens? 
    Yes- this.  Would love to know the answer/outcome...
    ahoywedding
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
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    I would just let it go. If they don't show up, maybe you'll have dodged a bullet. And if they do show up without the appropriate attire, then that's your FI's issue to deal with. Leave it in his hands.
    short+sassyholyguacamole79
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited January 18


    But your real problem is if all your guests have sent back in their DNA tests to be able to prove that they are 'real' family. Or are you doing cheek swabs before they are allowed in the church.  Because God knows blended families are just gross. And it is totally socially acceptable for an adult to be punitive on young children for the perceived 'slights' the parent's gave you. /s

    Seriously, you have SUCH bigger problems than suits right now. 

    You have insulted their family to the core. If you said even half the things you said on your last post to me, I would never speak to you again. They aren't coming. And I don't blame them. 
    MyNameIsNotahoyweddinglevioosaPrettyGirlLost
  •  Okay I just caught up on OP's previous threads and I have to say: "Girl, your FBIL ain't coming." If you disrespected me or my partner that way, I wouldn't get fitted or attend your wedding either. 

    Suck it up and realize that you created this mess yourself. 
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNotahoyweddingPrettyGirlLost


  • But your real problem is if all your guests have sent back in their DNA tests to be able to prove that they are 'real' family. Or are you doing cheek swabs before they are allowed in the church.  Because God knows blended families are just gross. And it is totally socially acceptable for an adult to be punitive on young children for the perceived 'slights' the parent's gave you. /s

    Seriously, you have SUCH bigger problems than suits right now. 

    You have insulted their family to the core. If you said even half the things you said on your last post to me, I would never speak to you again. They aren't coming. And I don't blame them. 

    I haven't insulted anyone actually.  That previous conversation was between me & FI (and all of you who obviously know everything) and my parents who are paying for the wedding.  And frankly THAT is the least of my concerns now, too.  Two of his brothers are supposed to be in the wedding.  They have not been fitted and are not communicating with FI.  One of them is the brother with the step children whose invitation was address to Mr. & Mrs. & Family. 

    Not one of you can honestly sit behind your computer & tell me you, as the bride, wouldn't be whigging out if part of your wedding party didn't have their clothing yet and has made no attempt to contact the tuxedo shop or respond to your repeated requests as to when they plan to be fitted.  So you, LondonLisa, can come down from your high horse before you get a nosebleed.

    Met: 5/4/16
    Dating: 6/21/16
    Engaged: 3/20/17
    Wedding: 2/24/18
  •  Okay I just caught up on OP's previous threads and I have to say: "Girl, your FBIL ain't coming." If you disrespected me or my partner that way, I wouldn't get fitted or attend your wedding either. 

    Suck it up and realize that you created this mess yourself. 

    And you too have not paid a lick of attention.  I did nothing but ask a damn question here and then defend myself to attacks.  NEITHER OF US, FI or I said ANYTHING to his family even related to this, other than nieces and nephews were the only children invited. 
    Met: 5/4/16
    Dating: 6/21/16
    Engaged: 3/20/17
    Wedding: 2/24/18
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited January 18
    divarhd said:



    But your real problem is if all your guests have sent back in their DNA tests to be able to prove that they are 'real' family. Or are you doing cheek swabs before they are allowed in the church.  Because God knows blended families are just gross. And it is totally socially acceptable for an adult to be punitive on young children for the perceived 'slights' the parent's gave you. /s

    Seriously, you have SUCH bigger problems than suits right now. 

    You have insulted their family to the core. If you said even half the things you said on your last post to me, I would never speak to you again. They aren't coming. And I don't blame them. 

    I haven't insulted anyone actually.  That previous conversation was between me & FI (and all of you who obviously know everything) and my parents who are paying for the wedding.  And frankly THAT is the least of my concerns now, too.  Two of his brothers are supposed to be in the wedding.  They have not been fitted and are not communicating with FI.  One of them is the brother with the step children whose invitation was address to Mr. & Mrs. & Family. 

    Not one of you can honestly sit behind your computer & tell me you, as the bride, wouldn't be whigging out if part of your wedding party didn't have their clothing yet and has made no attempt to contact the tuxedo shop or respond to your repeated requests as to when they plan to be fitted.  So you, LondonLisa, can come down from your high horse before you get a nosebleed.

    So his family doesn't like you for another reason than you saying all those horrible things about his brother and his family!? Look, they have said they don't want to come. If it is for you saying that his step kids are not really his kids, or another reason, people don't tend to go to weddings of people that they 'hate'. 

    I can honestly say that if my FMIL and FBIL hated me over something I did, the last thing I would be stressed about is clothing. This is your future family. Have you even attempted to figure out the root of the problem?

    If trying to mend family relationships over stressing about wedding outfits is being on a 'high horse,' then giddy- up!

    ETA: Just for clarity, when you told them 'only nieces and nephews' did you exclude his step children or not?
    ahoywedding
  • divarhd said:



    But your real problem is if all your guests have sent back in their DNA tests to be able to prove that they are 'real' family. Or are you doing cheek swabs before they are allowed in the church.  Because God knows blended families are just gross. And it is totally socially acceptable for an adult to be punitive on young children for the perceived 'slights' the parent's gave you. /s

    Seriously, you have SUCH bigger problems than suits right now. 

    You have insulted their family to the core. If you said even half the things you said on your last post to me, I would never speak to you again. They aren't coming. And I don't blame them. 

    I haven't insulted anyone actually.  That previous conversation was between me & FI (and all of you who obviously know everything) and my parents who are paying for the wedding.  And frankly THAT is the least of my concerns now, too.  Two of his brothers are supposed to be in the wedding.  They have not been fitted and are not communicating with FI.  One of them is the brother with the step children whose invitation was address to Mr. & Mrs. & Family. 

    Not one of you can honestly sit behind your computer & tell me you, as the bride, wouldn't be whigging out if part of your wedding party didn't have their clothing yet and has made no attempt to contact the tuxedo shop or respond to your repeated requests as to when they plan to be fitted.  So you, LondonLisa, can come down from your high horse before you get a nosebleed.

    Actually, I have no clue if my WP has their clothes yet - and I'm 44 days out.  My bridesmaids were discussing ordering on Sunday, but I'm not sure if they ordered yet.  Not freaking out because...they're adults and I trust them, which is why they're in my WP. Same with the guys.  They have the general idea of what we would like them to wear, and I trust that they can handle it from there.
    ahoywedding
  • @divarhd - wait so you did invite the step kids or you didn't?
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  • divarhd said:



    But your real problem is if all your guests have sent back in their DNA tests to be able to prove that they are 'real' family. Or are you doing cheek swabs before they are allowed in the church.  Because God knows blended families are just gross. And it is totally socially acceptable for an adult to be punitive on young children for the perceived 'slights' the parent's gave you. /s

    Seriously, you have SUCH bigger problems than suits right now. 

    You have insulted their family to the core. If you said even half the things you said on your last post to me, I would never speak to you again. They aren't coming. And I don't blame them. 

    I haven't insulted anyone actually.  That previous conversation was between me & FI (and all of you who obviously know everything) and my parents who are paying for the wedding.  And frankly THAT is the least of my concerns now, too.  Two of his brothers are supposed to be in the wedding.  They have not been fitted and are not communicating with FI.  One of them is the brother with the step children whose invitation was address to Mr. & Mrs. & Family. 

    Not one of you can honestly sit behind your computer & tell me you, as the bride, wouldn't be whigging out if part of your wedding party didn't have their clothing yet and has made no attempt to contact the tuxedo shop or respond to your repeated requests as to when they plan to be fitted.  So you, LondonLisa, can come down from your high horse before you get a nosebleed.

    Did you ever try to mend fences with this BIL?   Does he know that when you addressed the invitation you meant all kids and not just his step children?   You previously were up on a really high horse talking about how you'd never met these children and now resented the concept of having to invite them.   Please own your statements rather than get defensive.

    In any of this have you tried to reach out to these people to create relationships that have to do with your marriage and not the wedding?   

    You also never answered the questions about the timing required here.   Are these purchased or rented items?   A tux rental doesn't need a boatload of time.  If this was a bridesmaid I'd be nervous.   At one month out I wouldn't be concerned that the men haven't been fitted.   I'd be concerned if you tried to talk to these people and they sound like they may not be attending.   

    If I were your FI I'd pick up the phone to talk to his brothers and mom and figure out how things are going.   
  • divarhd said:
     Okay I just caught up on OP's previous threads and I have to say: "Girl, your FBIL ain't coming." If you disrespected me or my partner that way, I wouldn't get fitted or attend your wedding either. 

    Suck it up and realize that you created this mess yourself. 

    And you too have not paid a lick of attention.  I did nothing but ask a damn question here and then defend myself to attacks.  NEITHER OF US, FI or I said ANYTHING to his family even related to this, other than nieces and nephews were the only children invited. 
    Oh honey, everyone telling you how wrong you are is not an attack, it was trying to save you from the situation you have now created. 

    Your Groom's side is going to be short two people because of a situation you have created. You chose not to invite specific nieces and nephews, mea culpa. 

    Take responsibility. They are not coming to your wedding. You don't have to worry about them getting fitted. 
    CMGragainInLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    divarhd said:



    But your real problem is if all your guests have sent back in their DNA tests to be able to prove that they are 'real' family. Or are you doing cheek swabs before they are allowed in the church.  Because God knows blended families are just gross. And it is totally socially acceptable for an adult to be punitive on young children for the perceived 'slights' the parent's gave you. /s

    Seriously, you have SUCH bigger problems than suits right now. 

    You have insulted their family to the core. If you said even half the things you said on your last post to me, I would never speak to you again. They aren't coming. And I don't blame them. 

    I haven't insulted anyone actually.  That previous conversation was between me & FI (and all of you who obviously know everything) and my parents who are paying for the wedding.  And frankly THAT is the least of my concerns now, too.  Two of his brothers are supposed to be in the wedding.  They have not been fitted and are not communicating with FI.  One of them is the brother with the step children whose invitation was address to Mr. & Mrs. & Family. 

    Not one of you can honestly sit behind your computer & tell me you, as the bride, wouldn't be whigging out if part of your wedding party didn't have their clothing yet and has made no attempt to contact the tuxedo shop or respond to your repeated requests as to when they plan to be fitted.  So you, LondonLisa, can come down from your high horse before you get a nosebleed.

    I'll admit - when I first started planning, I probably would've been freaking out over something like this.  But, after talking to people who have been through this before, you learn (or should learn) how to put things in perspective.

    For example, I remember meeting with a vendor to select the fabric color for a table runner or something.  I was really concerned about the purple best matching the shade of my bridesmaid dresses.  She said to me, "You're going to walk into this room within an hour or so of marrying your husband.  Do you really think you're going to notice that the shade of purple is slightly lighter than your bridesmaids dresses?"

    If they don't show up, you won't be screwed.  Trust me.  The screwing should be going on later that night, if you know what I mean :wink:.  Make a margarita, dance it out, and accept that they might not show up.  As the others said, I would be more concerned about mending the family relationships.





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    charlotte989875short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    How long does it take for the orders to come in after the men are measured for tuxes? Call the rental shop to find out. Your fi should call his brothers 1. to give them the info and 2. to make sure everyone is okay. He should make sure that his brother understands that the invitation was for his stepchildren, as well as the bio children. TBH, you should have put all the childrens names on the inner envelope or enclosed a brief note saying Jan, Marcia, Cindy, Peter and Greg are invited. This may seem like a small detail, but in a family where there is already some strife, that's all it takes for things to fall apart.

    From your previous post, it's possible that your fbil and fsil have figured out you consider her children less than, whether you have sad anything directly to them or not. 
                
  • There's a knottie from years ago who wrote a book with her Dad on dealing with the People Stress of wedding planning.  In the book, there's a saying that needs to apply here.  "Blood talks to blood".  This is exactly one of those situations.  You need to release the detail to God/Universe/Allah/whatever your belief system to handle.  As we say here frequently, "If your wedding is important enough to them they will show up the day of in the designated attire, relatively sober, stand for the ceremony and a few pictures, and their obligation is complete.  These are adults, they have been given the information, it is now their choice to make as adults whether to attend or not.".  I'm guessing depending on where the tuxes are being ordered from they could show up the day before and still have one to wear.  And, it would be on them to pay the additional rush fees, they're adults, they make their own choices.

    And, step kids are = to bio kids that's not negotiable.  
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  • MesmrEwe said:
    There's a knottie from years ago who wrote a book with her Dad on dealing with the People Stress of wedding planning.  In the book, there's a saying that needs to apply here.  "Blood talks to blood".  This is exactly one of those situations.  You need to release the detail to God/Universe/Allah/whatever your belief system to handle.  As we say here frequently, "If your wedding is important enough to them they will show up the day of in the designated attire, relatively sober, stand for the ceremony and a few pictures, and their obligation is complete.  These are adults, they have been given the information, it is now their choice to make as adults whether to attend or not.".  I'm guessing depending on where the tuxes are being ordered from they could show up the day before and still have one to wear.  And, it would be on them to pay the additional rush fees, they're adults, they make their own choices.

    And, step kids are = to bio kids that's not negotiable.  

    Yep!  I wasn't even thinking about men's attire until two weeks before my OOT wedding, lol.

    At the point when the thought popped in my head, I asked my (then) FI, "Have you and your BM gotten your tuxes figured out?"

    His response was, "Not quite.  We're going to be using ABC Tuxes, because they have locations here and (CA wedding location).  We're going to the one here on Saturday to get measured and get everything ordered.  They'll arrange for the correct sizes to be at Y location for pick-up in CA."

    Me (with a side eye):  "Saturday?  The wedding is a week from then and we are leaving on Thurs.  Are you sure that is enough time?"

    He assured me it was.  I was a bit worried but, that was his deal.  I figured a last ditch Plan B would be we'd buy a new suit for him in CA and he'd just wear that.

    It all turned out fine.  The tuxes were all ready to be picked up at Y location the day before the wedding.  H and BM tried them on there.  Perfect fits!  And off we went to run the other 1,000 "day before" errands, lol.

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  • MesmrEwe said:
    There's a knottie from years ago who wrote a book with her Dad on dealing with the People Stress of wedding planning.  In the book, there's a saying that needs to apply here.  "Blood talks to blood".  This is exactly one of those situations.  You need to release the detail to God/Universe/Allah/whatever your belief system to handle.  As we say here frequently, "If your wedding is important enough to them they will show up the day of in the designated attire, relatively sober, stand for the ceremony and a few pictures, and their obligation is complete.  These are adults, they have been given the information, it is now their choice to make as adults whether to attend or not.".  I'm guessing depending on where the tuxes are being ordered from they could show up the day before and still have one to wear.  And, it would be on them to pay the additional rush fees, they're adults, they make their own choices.

    And, step kids are = to bio kids that's not negotiable.  

    Yep!  I wasn't even thinking about men's attire until two weeks before my OOT wedding, lol.

    At the point when the thought popped in my head, I asked my (then) FI, "Have you and your BM gotten your tuxes figured out?"

    His response was, "Not quite.  We're going to be using ABC Tuxes, because they have locations here and (CA wedding location).  We're going to the one here on Saturday to get measured and get everything ordered.  They'll arrange for the correct sizes to be at Y location for pick-up in CA."

    Me (with a side eye):  "Saturday?  The wedding is a week from then and we are leaving on Thurs.  Are you sure that is enough time?"

    He assured me it was.  I was a bit worried but, that was his deal.  I figured a last ditch Plan B would be we'd buy a new suit for him in CA and he'd just wear that.

    It all turned out fine.  The tuxes were all ready to be picked up at Y location the day before the wedding.  H and BM tried them on there.  Perfect fits!  And off we went to run the other 1,000 "day before" errands, lol.

    I was the same!
    With ours, since M and BIL were getting suits from same place and MIL and sFIL were paying - they had to go by their schedule to set it all up {fitting was on ours time} As long as they fit well, it wouldn't be an issue.

    Others idk if they had it or if they had to get it {black dress shirt, black dress pants - didn't matter short or long sleeve. I suggested short since August :| }
    But I know one of the GM's forgot his dress shirt at home, didn't have enough time and ran into Walmart, got a black dress shirt and was good. :)
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  • Ro041Ro041
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    A few days late here...but my H bought his suit 4 weeks before the wedding.  It was fitted and ready to go a week later.  My BIL and nephew bought their suits 2 weeks before the wedding (young boys grow out of pants so quickly).  It never occurred to me to flip out over menswear...

    ahoywedding
  • divarhd said:



    But your real problem is if all your guests have sent back in their DNA tests to be able to prove that they are 'real' family. Or are you doing cheek swabs before they are allowed in the church.  Because God knows blended families are just gross. And it is totally socially acceptable for an adult to be punitive on young children for the perceived 'slights' the parent's gave you. /s

    Seriously, you have SUCH bigger problems than suits right now. 

    You have insulted their family to the core. If you said even half the things you said on your last post to me, I would never speak to you again. They aren't coming. And I don't blame them. 

    I haven't insulted anyone actually.  That previous conversation was between me & FI (and all of you who obviously know everything) and my parents who are paying for the wedding.  And frankly THAT is the least of my concerns now, too.  Two of his brothers are supposed to be in the wedding.  They have not been fitted and are not communicating with FI.  One of them is the brother with the step children whose invitation was address to Mr. & Mrs. & Family. 

    Not one of you can honestly sit behind your computer & tell me you, as the bride, wouldn't be whigging out if part of your wedding party didn't have their clothing yet and has made no attempt to contact the tuxedo shop or respond to your repeated requests as to when they plan to be fitted.  So you, LondonLisa, can come down from your high horse before you get a nosebleed.

    I emailed my BMs basic guidelines for the dress, and then promptly forgot about it and crossed that off my list. I didn't give a second thought about it until about a week before when my sister said she was going to bring two dress options and pick one the day of. My H wanted to pick out ties for him, the GM and the dads and he found them like two weeks before. I wasn't concerned because I didn't really GAF if they had matching ties. My mom decided like three weeks before the guys needed cream shirts not white and I was like okay fine sure. 

    Seriously, your BILs are adults, and you have been rude to at least one of them. Let them do their thing, and if they refuse to pick up the tuxes then they have removed themselves from your wedding. Things will still go on without them, and you will still be married.
    short+sassyInLoveInQueens
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