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I think you're over-thinking this.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
I work in child care and have some issues with anxiety. I recently took a new job despite being five weeks pregnant, because my old job was horribly stressful and I knew I couldn’t last two more weeks there, let alone until I could start maternity leave. I did not tell my new boss that I was pregnant, and now that I’m eight weeks along, I feel like I should tell her. I feel guilty for “tricking” them into hiring someone who’s going to disappear for a couple of months within the first year. Every time I imagine the conversation I’ll have to have with my boss, it ends with me sobbing and apologizing, and her berating me and saying she wished she had never hired me.

To complicate matters, the section I work in has three people, one of whom is 15 weeks pregnant. I have had very few symptoms at this point, so it hasn’t affected my work, but I’m mainly concerned because of the eventual 18 weeks of maternity leave I will be taking at the end of August. I definitely want to come back to this job, though maybe not full time. Please help me with a script that helps me accept the right amount of blame without prostrating myself for something that would’ve happened sooner or later anyway. Legally I don’t have to tell an employer until 10 weeks before my maternity leave is due to start. Morally, though, I’m hoping you can help me.
—How to Tell My New Boss I’m Pregnant

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Re: I think you're over-thinking this.

  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    I didn't tell my boss I was pregnant until I was 20 weeks and she was surprised (I was barely showing). The only reason I told her then was because I was high risk and could have been off anytime after 30 weeks and they needed to find a replacement for my 6 months off. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    I think you only tell people when you're ready. There is nothing to apologize for. 

    Maybe it's cynical of me, but if there is any sort of probationary period at your job, I would wait until you're out of it before you tell your boss. When you do decide to tell them, I'd meet with HR to make sure you qualify for your maternity leave. In the states (in many industries, I know not all) you don't qualify for FMLA until you've worked at the company for a year, and many individual companies have required time-worked to qualify for maternity leave. Before you start planning your leave, definitely make sure you've squared away all of the policies and know what you qualify for. 
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    I'd wait until it became pretty obvious before saying anything - unless it was a high risk situation and would impact the job (or the job could impact the pregnancy - e.g. handling chemicals, heavy lifting). I would also make sure that HR is involved.

    I'm all kinds of WTF  at 18 weeks of maternity leave - I mean typical in the US would be 6-8 weeks from a medical standpoint, with up to 12 weeks including FMLA. My company would let you take up to 6mo unpaid (only the first 6-8 weeks is paid, while you are medical restriction.) Not sure where 18 weeks come in, unless it's something her company offers. 

    I was in the process of a cross country move for my job when i got pregnant. I didn't officially say anything until we had our house lined up and were well into the moving process. I doubted they would have any issues with it (after all, it is what it is, and I had 4+ years with the company before i got pregnant so fully qualified for all leave). I was around 18/20 weeks when I told them, and also had to share that i was higher risk, so may need some additional support. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    She works in child care! Statistically that field is full of women having babies of their own. 
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    I'm WTF to 18 weeks when she works in a daycare unless she's up in Canada...  

    With DS we didn't announce to anyone that we were expecting until the 20 week mark, and then held off another 8-12 weeks for everyone else.  LW is fine to keep it quiet because until the first u/s are done, it's just a good idea.  
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    GBCK said:
    dude, you could easily not even KNOW at 5 weeks
    This. It sounds like LW is in a super young/inexperienced professional mindset. We've all been there. Time to grow up though..especially now that she's expecting and about to have more than just work as a priority. 

    Personally I would announce at 13ish weeks or when her new hire probationary period is over - whichever comes second. Most people wait until second trimester (when risk of miscarriage drops significantly) to announce, so that's customary and not "waiting too long". And exiting the probationary period with a good review will make it hard for them to fire her after she says she's pregnant. 

    So scripting she asked for: "Hi boss - about a month ago (white lie), partner and I found out that I'm expecting. I'm 13 weeks and due on August 15th. I wanted to wait until we had a doctor's appointment, heard the heartbeat and made sure everything was ok before telling anyone." 

    Questions the boss might ask "how many weeks of leave will you take? Are you planning to come back to work?" All of which she can say "I want you to know that I'm dedicated to this job and I want to grow with this organization.This is such a surprise, we haven't really figured out the logistics yet." (translation: I want to work, but I'm not making any promises.)
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I am horrified that the LW feels "guilty" she applied for and got a job she wanted while (gasp) pregnant and didn't tell them.  Girl, f**k that noise right now.  In the U.S. (though I suspect she is in another country), being pregnant is a protected class!  You can not legally be fired, rejected for hire or disciplined because you are pregnant.

    But we all know that discrimination exists anyway for protected classes.  Of course she shouldn't have told them.  There is no reason they needed to know.  There is also no reason they need to know until either she is ready to tell them or at the having to give 10 weeks notice part. 

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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    MesmrEwe said:
    I'm WTF to 18 weeks when she works in a daycare unless she's up in Canada...  

    With DS we didn't announce to anyone that we were expecting until the 20 week mark, and then held off another 8-12 weeks for everyone else.  LW is fine to keep it quiet because until the first u/s are done, it's just a good idea.  
    I’m not sure about this, technically you get 17 weeks paid Maternity leave and you are eligible for 35 weeks of parental leave to be split between you and your partner. The 35 weeks is also for adoptive parents. 
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    edited January 2018
    southernbelle0915 said:
    TrixieJess said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    I'm WTF to 18 weeks when she works in a daycare unless she's up in Canada...  

    With DS we didn't announce to anyone that we were expecting until the 20 week mark, and then held off another 8-12 weeks for everyone else.  LW is fine to keep it quiet because until the first u/s are done, it's just a good idea.  
    I’m not sure about this, technically you get 17 weeks paid Maternity leave and you are eligible for 35 weeks of parental leave to be split between you and your partner. The 35 weeks is also for adoptive parents. 
    So does this mean each partner gets 17 weeks of guaranteed paid leave. Then if they decide not to split it (like partner #1 takes all 35 weeks and partner #2 takes 0), partner #1 still gets 17 weeks paid, but the rest would be unpaid, right? 

    BTW - Paid maternity leave would be so awesome. The U.S. sucks. 
    The 17 weeks is only for the mother, it’s straight maternity leave. The 35 weeks can be taken by either partner in any combination. To be fair, it’s only 55% of your wage up to $55,000 a year. Some companies do top ups for up to 6 months of mat leave though. 

    ETA: you also have a guarantee of your job for up to two years after your child is born/adopted. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    *Barbie* said:
    the "i want to come back, but maybe not FT" is annoying me a bit.

    DK had an employee who used loopholes and the company's flexibility to essentially abuse the maternity leave and FMLA allowances, effectively taking off the better part of 6 months. (It should have maxed out at 12W). Then she went back to work for 2 weeks and resigned. Since he had to hold her job open for the full time he had to pick up her work and distribute to his other employees. For a short term (3 months) this wouldn't have been a big deal, but by the time all of this went down, it ended up being 8-9 months before he was able to hire a replacement. 

    I am fully supportive of people getting longer paid (or even unpaid) maternity/paternity leave, but it also makes me wonder how stuff like this is handled in countries where parents are guaranteed a long paid leave (e.g. Finland) from a work execution standpoint - do they hire temporary replacements/does work just get filtered to the rest of the team for a year, how is it managed when you have multiple people on a team on leave, etc. 
    Although not for maternity leave, I have some experience with that.  I used to work for a defense contractor.

    After 9-11, the military started putting people in the Reserves, into Active Duty.  That happened with three of the employees on our project.  Employers in the U.S. are required to hold their jobs in those situations.

    They were all going to be 6+ months before the person was taken out of Active Duty.  Two of the employees, we hired new people.  But with full disclosure to the new person that, as soon as the person they were replacing was back from Active,  they would be laid off if we didn't have another position available.

    The third employee turned out to be a real "gem"/s.  It was announced that his group was going to be laid off at the end of Dec. that year.  Within a few days of that announcement, he was "magically" called to Active Duty.  Because, yeah, people can request to be put back on Active Duty also.  The particular company I worked for was super generous in that they paid their employees the difference between military salary and their normal salary, while on Active.  He got to ride that gravy train for 10 months.  But when he was taken off Active do you think he was grateful?  Heck no.  He threatened a LAWSUIT if the company didn't give him his now non-existent job back.  Against our Project Manager's wishes, the company caved.  

    My boss made his job awful, lol.  He sent him to an office that was 30 minutes further from the guy's house.  And told the manager at that office, "Have him do whatever work you all have.  I don't care how menial it is (the guy was a programmer).  And when you all don't have any work, don't give him access to a computer.  He can sit in a chair and stare at the wall."  It worked!  This guy finally found a job about 5 weeks later.  He was actually home on military vacation for two months before his active ended.  I got the strong impression from him that he wasn't even looking for another job during the time.

    Overall, FMLA and the military Active vs. Reserved are great programs.  But, like anything else, people can take advantage.
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    *Barbie* said:
    the "i want to come back, but maybe not FT" is annoying me a bit.

    DK had an employee who used loopholes and the company's flexibility to essentially abuse the maternity leave and FMLA allowances, effectively taking off the better part of 6 months. (It should have maxed out at 12W). Then she went back to work for 2 weeks and resigned. Since he had to hold her job open for the full time he had to pick up her work and distribute to his other employees. For a short term (3 months) this wouldn't have been a big deal, but by the time all of this went down, it ended up being 8-9 months before he was able to hire a replacement. 

    I am fully supportive of people getting longer paid (or even unpaid) maternity/paternity leave, but it also makes me wonder how stuff like this is handled in countries where parents are guaranteed a long paid leave (e.g. Finland) from a work execution standpoint - do they hire temporary replacements/does work just get filtered to the rest of the team for a year, how is it managed when you have multiple people on a team on leave, etc. 
    When I went on mat leave a temp was hired on contract for my 6 months. Most companies hire temps for mat leaves. Teachers will have a supply who typically takes their position for 12-18 months.  
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