Wedding Woes

I understand irrational worry, but I cannot with this LW.

Dear Prudence, 
Recently I had someone out to my house to check on the electric meter. I was home alone with my toddler (I’m also eight months’ pregnant), so I told my husband I wanted to call him while the service guy was in the house, just as a precaution. He agreed. The meter man arrived and I called my husband, who told me to message him when the guy left, which I’d told him would probably be in the next five minutes. A few minutes later I sent an instant message letting my husband know he’d gone. I got no response for half an hour.

My husband explained that after we’d talked, he went to the break room to get coffee with some co-workers and didn’t see my message until he got back. (He’d assumed I would text.) I hadn’t realized he would leave his desk, and I’m pretty mad that he didn’t check in with me after not seeing a text within a few minutes. I know this isn’t a huge deal, but I’m having a hard time getting over the fact that he didn’t care about me and our babies more in this situation. I’m not a worry wart, but I figured alerting someone that we were alone in the house with a stranger was a reasonable action to take, and the fact that my husband couldn’t comply with such a simple request is weighing on me. He sincerely apologized when he got home that night, and I was able to tell him how I felt, but it didn’t help ease my mind. Can you give me some perspective on this? How do I get past my hurt?
—Stranger Danger

Re: I understand irrational worry, but I cannot with this LW.

  • There is irrational concerns - I've had them when a friend of ours tried to play a joke, and M was really pissed and him and concerned about me - but this is insane.

    Work gets busy. When we've had people in and either of us are home, we have the same deal "oh let me know when they come and leave" {typically so the other can call and get the update} but if there was no answer when mentioning person leaves, we both assume the other got busy with work.
    Because - you know - that's where they are.
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  • This LW has too many insecurities and I can't. 

    Your DH isn't a babysitter and it's entirely unreasonable to expect him to be so connected to you throughout the day it's like you're talking on a soup can connected by string.  

    Also a big huge ditto to @mrsconn23.   Where is the meter where this guy needs to open the door?  What happens when it's time to service the boiler or receive deliveries?

    I have to wonder if the LW was ever on her own before having kids.  I get being nervous about being in the home when you have a stranger there but you also need to trust that there's a big difference between someone you expect showing up AS EXPECTED and someone trying to get in the house unannounced.  

    LW could do with a bit of therapy.  
    mrsconn23charlotte989875short+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
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    Oh my god. LW needs to chill. I get being uncomfortable. I let SO know when service people come over. But I also wouldn’t rely on him. If I felt unsafe I would leave and call 911. 


    image
  • So when I leave my office late at night (like after 8 or 9) because the parking lot is far from my building, or if I run in the city I text H when I get there & the time I expect to be done. I want him to know if I'm not home when I should be and do something about it. Especially when I'm out running. There have been too many women attacked (one assaulted and killed not far from our house in OH). Maybe it's irrational, but I'd like someone to know if I'm abducted. 

    That being said, with the meter guy? I think she's overreacting. But if she's that scared she should get a large dog. 
    short+sassy
  • @charlotte989875 ; Out at night, it doesn't matter where you are or the area - always good to let people know where you'll be.
    When we first moved, I was meeting a friend for dinner and it was night when I left. Since I wasn't familiar with the area, I had M meet me. {i'm also a pansy at night - I'm convinced I hear things}
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    charlotte989875
  • So when I leave my office late at night (like after 8 or 9) because the parking lot is far from my building, or if I run in the city I text H when I get there & the time I expect to be done. I want him to know if I'm not home when I should be and do something about it. Especially when I'm out running. There have been too many women attacked (one assaulted and killed not far from our house in OH). Maybe it's irrational, but I'd like someone to know if I'm abducted. 

    That being said, with the meter guy? I think she's overreacting. But if she's that scared she should get a large dog. 
    Yeah - big difference between walking outside at night in the dark in an unknown place with unknown people but absolutely knowing that you are in an area of crime versus your living room with the meter guy.
    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • When I'm doing kijiji ads and going to someone's house to pick stuff up, I always make sure my husband has the address in case something happens, and vice versa when he is going somewhere. But if someone is coming to our house, we don't usually do anything. I think the difference might be that I do have a large dog ... I don't know. She's a rotti, but she'd be useless if someone actually did break into the house, but people sure are scared of her.
    imageimage
    charlotte989875
  • Ro041Ro041
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    I read this Prudie earlier and then got a knock at the door.  It was a guy collecting signatures to get a recall election for a local city council member.  He asked if H was home (he knew both of our names since we are both registered to this house) and I got irrationally worried that he was casing the joint.  So thanks LW - now I am just waiting for this guy to come back and murder me.  

    kerbohlcharlotte989875
  • Ro041 said:
    I read this Prudie earlier and then got a knock at the door.  It was a guy collecting signatures to get a recall election for a local city council member.  He asked if H was home (he knew both of our names since we are both registered to this house) and I got irrationally worried that he was casing the joint.  So thanks LW - now I am just waiting for this guy to come back and murder me.  


    Quick! Borrow someone's large dog!

    Though you know, that's a good point - some of the people who come to the door are just checking to see if people are home so they can come back later to break in. Since you answered the door, that means you're good I guess?  They usually don't have any information though, they just have a bogus excuse to ring the doorbell to see if anyone answers.

    imageimage
    charlotte989875
  • Ro041 said:
    I read this Prudie earlier and then got a knock at the door.  It was a guy collecting signatures to get a recall election for a local city council member.  He asked if H was home (he knew both of our names since we are both registered to this house) and I got irrationally worried that he was casing the joint.  So thanks LW - now I am just waiting for this guy to come back and murder me.  


    I'm not going to say I'm perfect about this but, if I'm not expecting someone, I usually won't answer the door.  Where I live, someone answering the door is the most typical way that home invasions happen.  However, I'll usually adjust the curtain/open the blind just so there is movement seen that someone is at home.  If they see me through the window, I'll wave my hand sideways like "not interested".

    Our house was robbed two weeks after we moved in.  I didn't know this until after the fact, but activities of someone moving in can be a target for thieves.

    However, a few days before that happened, my H had an unusual visit.  Two youngish guys, late teens-early 20s, knocked on the door.  My H answered and they asked if (insert name) was home.  Super, super suspicious because the house was a foreclosure and no one had lived there for over a year.  The previous owner had lived there from the mid '80s until it was foreclosed on.  And it wasn't that family's last name either.

    After the fact, we assume my H had met our thieves in person.  That they'd been planning to rob the house on that day, but didn't when they realized someone was home and made up a reason as to why they were knocking on the door.  

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    charlotte989875
  • (snip)

    After the fact, we assume my H had met our thieves in person.  That they'd been planning to rob the house on that day, but didn't when they realized someone was home and made up a reason as to why they were knocking on the door.  

    See this is just it. 90% (I'm making that # up, but guessing it's close) of home invasions happen when people aren't home. People who want your valuables don't want to be seen by you. They don't want to interact with you. They want your shit and then they want to leave, without any encounters. People seem to have this weird delusion that anyone entering your home is entering with the intent to rape and murder everyone in their path. Not the case.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    charlotte989875
  • Ro041Ro041
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    @short+sassy - that's the crappy thing.  I WAS expecting someone so I just answered the door thinking it was my friend.  Oh well!  

    How scary to get robbed.  We have 3-5 dogs in our house at any one time but I always worry that someone will mess with them.  They are all lazy and fat so they certainly aren't guarding the house when we are gone.  :neutral:

    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • Also, a RING doorbell is pretty inexpensive if it buys you peace of mind.

    I like that I can look and know who is at my door and even tell them that I'm busy if I'm not even in the same timezone.
    short+sassymrsconn23charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • (snip)

    After the fact, we assume my H had met our thieves in person.  That they'd been planning to rob the house on that day, but didn't when they realized someone was home and made up a reason as to why they were knocking on the door.  

    See this is just it. 90% (I'm making that # up, but guessing it's close) of home invasions happen when people aren't home. People who want your valuables don't want to be seen by you. They don't want to interact with you. They want your shit and then they want to leave, without any encounters. People seem to have this weird delusion that anyone entering your home is entering with the intent to rape and murder everyone in their path. Not the case.


    Absolutely the vast majority of the time.  Most robberies happen during the day, during the week, when most people aren't home.  Both incidents...the weird visit and the robbery itself...were during the day, during the week.  My H just happened to be working a job at the time where he was home by 2-3PM.

    But violent home invasions happen also where, raping and/or murdering someone is exactly what the criminals are looking for.  There was one that happened just a few months ago about 8 blocks from me.  A guy knocked on this lady's door at about 8PM.  She answered the door, he forced his way in, and robbed her and raped her.

    That's why I try and do both.  Show that someone is present.  But without opening my door.  I also have one of those steel security doors so, if I do answer the door, I can open the front door just a little to talk to someone.  But the heavier, locked steel door...and most of the front door...is still between us.

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    charlotte989875
  • (snip)

    After the fact, we assume my H had met our thieves in person.  That they'd been planning to rob the house on that day, but didn't when they realized someone was home and made up a reason as to why they were knocking on the door.  

    See this is just it. 90% (I'm making that # up, but guessing it's close) of home invasions happen when people aren't home. People who want your valuables don't want to be seen by you. They don't want to interact with you. They want your shit and then they want to leave, without any encounters. People seem to have this weird delusion that anyone entering your home is entering with the intent to rape and murder everyone in their path. Not the case.


    Absolutely the vast majority of the time.  Most robberies happen during the day, during the week, when most people aren't home.  Both incidents...the weird visit and the robbery itself...were during the day, during the week.  My H just happened to be working a job at the time where he was home by 2-3PM.

    But violent home invasions happen also where, raping and/or murdering someone is exactly what the criminals are looking for.  There was one that happened just a few months ago about 8 blocks from me.  A guy knocked on this lady's door at about 8PM.  She answered the door, he forced his way in, and robbed her and raped her.

    That's why I try and do both.  Show that someone is present.  But without opening my door.  I also have one of those steel security doors so, if I do answer the door, I can open the front door just a little to talk to someone.  But the heavier, locked steel door...and most of the front door...is still between us.

    Yes, unfortunately those who are out to assault / attack will do so and where they can.  

    My mom was violently assaulted in her 2nd grade classroom (she was the teacher) by a serial rapist who had attacked two women in the neighborhood.  The school door was left unlocked and he got in and no one thought anything of a 20 year old in an elementary school at 4 PM.   I still think that if my mom didn't bite him he would have done more than just beat her head.    

    But this guy did not belong there.   He was there because he was out to do harm.  

    The guy checking the electrical meter has a job to do.   
  • I’ve been robbed at gun point and I think LW needs to talk to someone about her concern. Unless there is history we don’t know about, I think this is an overreaction. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    the fact that my husband couldn’t comply with such a simple request is weighing on me.
    What request did the husband not comply to? The crux of the issue (which I had to read twice before comprehending) is that he asked her to "message" him when the guy left, but he was expecting a text to his phone and she sent him an IM to his computer. The letter didn't say that he was also supposed to message her his acknowledgement of her message in an equally timely manner. This is a very simple miscommunication. Husband's a bonehead for divulging to his clearly anxious wife "lol i didn't even notice you hadn't texted me during the potential murder window of time!", but LW needs to recognize she's probably hopped up on hormones and making a mountain out of nothing.

    mrsconn23
  • Ro041 said:
    I read this Prudie earlier and then got a knock at the door.  It was a guy collecting signatures to get a recall election for a local city council member.  He asked if H was home (he knew both of our names since we are both registered to this house) and I got irrationally worried that he was casing the joint.  So thanks LW - now I am just waiting for this guy to come back and murder me.  
    We get a lot of scammers, so I basically tell them that I need to call whatever company before I allow them in. Some are pretty assertive {one guy was half stepping in the second I opened the door - wtf dude!} so I've learned that when I open the door.
    I look a lot like this:

    cat sneaking GIF by Cheezburger
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    short+sassyeileenrobmollybarker11Ro041
  • Ro041 said:
    I read this Prudie earlier and then got a knock at the door.  It was a guy collecting signatures to get a recall election for a local city council member.  He asked if H was home (he knew both of our names since we are both registered to this house) and I got irrationally worried that he was casing the joint.  So thanks LW - now I am just waiting for this guy to come back and murder me.  
    We get a lot of scammers, so I basically tell them that I need to call whatever company before I allow them in. Some are pretty assertive {one guy was half stepping in the second I opened the door - wtf dude!} so I've learned that when I open the door.
    I look a lot like this:

    cat sneaking GIF by Cheezburger


    I need to stop looking at that adorable gif before I rush out and impulsively adopt a kitten, lol.  I just love that they are babies practicing their stalking techniques.  It's a predatory action, but in sweet and cute little packages.

    I also thought of that other gif you have with the small wild cat sneaking up on the camera.

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  • Ro041 said:
    I read this Prudie earlier and then got a knock at the door.  It was a guy collecting signatures to get a recall election for a local city council member.  He asked if H was home (he knew both of our names since we are both registered to this house) and I got irrationally worried that he was casing the joint.  So thanks LW - now I am just waiting for this guy to come back and murder me.  
    We get a lot of scammers, so I basically tell them that I need to call whatever company before I allow them in. Some are pretty assertive {one guy was half stepping in the second I opened the door - wtf dude!} so I've learned that when I open the door.
    I look a lot like this:

    cat sneaking GIF by Cheezburger


    I need to stop looking at that adorable gif before I rush out and impulsively adopt a kitten, lol.  I just love that they are babies practicing their stalking techniques.  It's a predatory action, but in sweet and cute little packages.

    I also thought of that other gif you have with the small wild cat sneaking up on the camera.

    #sorrynotsorry #getakitten

    I was gonna post it, but these were too irresistible :)
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    short+sassy
  • ernursej said:
    I’ve been robbed at gun point and I think LW needs to talk to someone about her concern. Unless there is history we don’t know about, I think this is an overreaction. 
    First sorry that you've had that experience :(

    I was thinking the same as you that I wonder if there is a backstory we don't know which causes her to be more anxious about things like this
    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • To me this reads as using anxiety as a means of control. She’s anxious so he must be available and must check in and she gets to pretend this isn’t inappropriately controlling because worries. 
  • kvruns said:
    ernursej said:
    I’ve been robbed at gun point and I think LW needs to talk to someone about her concern. Unless there is history we don’t know about, I think this is an overreaction. 
    First sorry that you've had that experience :(

    I was thinking the same as you that I wonder if there is a backstory we don't know which causes her to be more anxious about things like this
    Working at a liquor store had perks and downsides. I got support from the store and they helped me find a better paying job at a coffee shop. 
    eileenrob
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