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You need to have a full-out financial goals discussion.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend and I started dating in grad school two years ago, and have since moved to the same city for work. We both graduated with significant debt (mine was more than $100K, his more than $200K), but we’re making good progress paying them down every month. We both make good money, but he gets a massive (and I mean massive) annual bonus. He works hard, and it’s allowed him to pay off almost all of his debt in two years. I will likely pay mine off in another seven to 10 years.

If we get married, is it appropriate to use his bonus to pay off my student loans? I’m asking this pre-emptively, since we are not even engaged, but we’ve talked about our future together enough that it’s likely to happen in the next few years. We’re comfortable talking about our finances with one another, but I don’t want to bring this up to him yet. I’m not even sure if this is a reasonable thing to do, and I don’t want to offend him or make him think I’m greedy. Is it a bad idea for me to ask him for help? I don’t even know if it’s common among married couples for one partner to pay off the other’s student debt! I don’t want him to resent me down the line, nor do I want him to feel like I’m a freeloader. But I could contribute more to our future household the sooner my debt is paid off—not to mention the added benefits of paying less in interest fees overall, better interest rates for things like mortgages, and better credit scores. How should I bring this up? And are there pros or cons that I’m not considering?
—Not-Quite-Overwhelming Debt

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Re: You need to have a full-out financial goals discussion.

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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    Conversation about finances would solve all of this!

    Is it appropriate? Sure. Is it expected? I wouldn't assume so, but he may want to help if he can if LW brings it up. Even just a portion of the bonus, would be helpful.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Talk to each other!!

    DH and I entered marriage with no student loans on my end and student loans on his end.   We agreed that it made the greatest amount of sense to use wedding gift money to pay of his student loans since we were paying interest on them.  


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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    I can't tell if they live together, or just in the same city, but that might be a time to have the conversation. Once you're sharing expenses I think you need to have a clear, exhaustive conversation about finances and how bills are paid. If they're still living separately, I think this conversation is premature.

    We met in grad school, but I have substantially larger loans than H does. We talked, extensively, about payoff plans once it was clear we were living together and heading for engagement/marriage. I have a lot of debt, I also make more than he does, but we'll payoff his loans faster. 

    But at the end of the day, I'm more than the income/debt I bring to the marriage and financial calculations are not always "who makes more, who spends more". 
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    sparklepants41sparklepants41 member
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    Um. You're not married yet. If and when the two of you do get married to each other, then this will be one of the many important dialogues you should regularly have together. 

    TBH if I were dating someone - not even engaged yet - I would be So. Weirded. Out. if my SO posed this hypothetical to me, making a claim on my bonus. 


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    6fsn6fsn member
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    For married couples they should be looking at the whole picture- interest rates, debt to income ratio, financial goals, taxes, future purchases etc.  DH came into the marriage with student loans.  They were not our first focus but they were paid off.  A big bonus might be better to invest, buy a car, put away for a house deposit, pay off a mortgage. 
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    kerbohlkerbohl member
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    I agree with PP. My finances were separate until just before the wedding. We started having financial discussions when we got engaged. Worry about your own debt first. I mean, what happens if he pays off her debt and then something happens and they break up? Will he expect her to pay it back because she coerced him into paying her debt?

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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    kerbohl said:
    I agree with PP. My finances were separate until just before the wedding. We started having financial discussions when we got engaged. Worry about your own debt first. I mean, what happens if he pays off her debt and then something happens and they break up? Will he expect her to pay it back because she coerced him into paying her debt?
    Yeah, he might be able to sue her to recoup the money if he pays it off before they are legally committed and they break up (and she refuses to pay him back).  Maybe not. Not a lawyer.  :) 

    It's just a very...odd...letter and way of thinking about it all.  I mean, I'm an old married hag and my bonus typically goes toward savings OR paying off something well in advance (last year it was a car and this year it's our zero-turn mower) and I still have a twinge of bitterness here or there that I'm not using it for something 'fun'..because damn adulting is lame.   So if he's been super aggressive and they're not married, she needs to tread really carefully about that money.  She has no claims to it at all. 
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    ei34ei34 member
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    I’m obviously dying to know how much the bonus is  :D

    I’d wait until being engaged to have the merging finances talk.  They both already sound financially responsible- I imagine they’d want to pay them off asap but either way I don’t think this is the point in their relationship for that talk.
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    eileenrob said:
    I’m obviously dying to know how much the bonus is  :D

    I’d wait until being engaged to have the merging finances talk.  They both already sound financially responsible- I imagine they’d want to pay them off asap but either way I don’t think this is the point in their relationship for that talk.
    From the numbers and timeline the LW was throwing around...I'm guessing more than my entire annual salary, lol.
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    ei34ei34 member
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    edited February 2018
    short+sassy said:
    eileenrob said:
    I’m obviously dying to know how much the bonus is  :D

    I’d wait until being engaged to have the merging finances talk.  They both already sound financially responsible- I imagine they’d want to pay them off asap but either way I don’t think this is the point in their relationship for that talk.
    From the numbers and timeline the LW was throwing around...I'm guessing more than my entire annual salary, lol.
    short+sassy said:
    eileenrob said:
    I’m obviously dying to know how much the bonus is  :D

    I’d wait until being engaged to have the merging finances talk.  They both already sound financially responsible- I imagine they’d want to pay them off asap but either way I don’t think this is the point in their relationship for that talk.
    From the numbers and timeline the LW was throwing around...I'm guessing more than my entire annual salary, lol.
    My guess is maybe $70-75000?  If he’s been working for a couple years and they’re almost paid off?

    ETA- well more than my annual salary!
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    6fsn said:
    For married couples they should be looking at the whole picture- interest rates, debt to income ratio, financial goals, taxes, future purchases etc.  DH came into the marriage with student loans.  They were not our first focus but they were paid off.  A big bonus might be better to invest, buy a car, put away for a house deposit, pay off a mortgage. 

    This is a great point.  Student loans tend to be fairly low interest.

    Especially assuming they are on the younger side, that money would probably be better off being invested and/or going into a retirement fund.

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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    I'm not sure if this is the states {and how states looks at it} but common-law they could easily look at joint income.

    I'm thinking they're living common-law, based on what LW is wording things
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    kahluakoalakahluakoala member
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    I'm guessing (based on all details provided) that they met in business school, and he's an investment banker, which means he makes about $150-$200k base and gets 50 - 100% of that in a bonus depending on his performance and which bank her works for. If she has a similar good post-business school salary, she's probably looking at a similar base minus the bonus.
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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    The massive annual bonus would be applicable for traders, too - based on their P&L. Some of DK's colleagues get insane bonuses. He's been in a weird spot from a salary/bonus standpoint - his bonus was decent 2 years ago, and fantastic last year (like 70%  of his 2016 salary). He's not a trader, but his senior management has been structuring his compensation/bonus closer to a trader rather than what he would see in software architect/engineer roles elsewhere. 

    I think the LW is going about this whole thing in the wrong way - i agree with the ladies who said they need to have a serious discussion about finances/future planning - especially if they live together now. We lived together while we were engaged, but before we got married and split the bills during that time. I usually paid an extra  bill or two since I was making more. We combined finances completely after we got married - i had some student loans (minimal compared to this) and he had none. The money came from our joint account, and we discussed the timing for payoff and what was affordable. I had them paid off within ~4 years of graduation. 
    I think she should just continue to pay as she is, and initiate a discussion about financial planning as a couple while leaving his bonus out of it. 
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    ernursejernursej member
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    H and I make very different salaries. We didn’t come into the relationship with any debt but we were all over the financial talk. We had a cohabitation agreement that I th8nk more couples should have. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm not sure if this is the states {and how states looks at it} but common-law they could easily look at joint income.

    I'm thinking they're living common-law, based on what LW is wording things
    That may or may not be a thing depending on where they live.   I'm not a lawyer but the little information I get is that it's not recognized in all states. 
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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm not sure if this is the states {and how states looks at it} but common-law they could easily look at joint income.

    I'm thinking they're living common-law, based on what LW is wording things
    That may or may not be a thing depending on where they live.   I'm not a lawyer but the little information I get is that it's not recognized in all states. 
    I've learned that common-laws are rare in the States. It's not like up here where if you live together for x amount of time, or have a child together, you are automatically considered common-law and must pay taxes to that effect. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    TrixieJess said:
    banana468 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm not sure if this is the states {and how states looks at it} but common-law they could easily look at joint income.

    I'm thinking they're living common-law, based on what LW is wording things
    That may or may not be a thing depending on where they live.   I'm not a lawyer but the little information I get is that it's not recognized in all states. 
    I've learned that common-laws are rare in the States. It's not like up here where if you live together for x amount of time, or have a child together, you are automatically considered common-law and must pay taxes to that effect. 
    Living together 1yr, unless you have a child. Then common-law the day child is born.
    {yay tax time info lol}
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    MissKittyDanger said:
    TrixieJess said:
    banana468 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm not sure if this is the states {and how states looks at it} but common-law they could easily look at joint income.

    I'm thinking they're living common-law, based on what LW is wording things
    That may or may not be a thing depending on where they live.   I'm not a lawyer but the little information I get is that it's not recognized in all states. 
    I've learned that common-laws are rare in the States. It's not like up here where if you live together for x amount of time, or have a child together, you are automatically considered common-law and must pay taxes to that effect. 
    Living together 1yr, unless you have a child. Then common-law the day child is born.
    {yay tax time info lol}
    That's not a thing in CT.   You aren't bound by any common-law agreements because you live together or have a child together.     
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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MissKittyDanger said:
    TrixieJess said:
    banana468 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm not sure if this is the states {and how states looks at it} but common-law they could easily look at joint income.

    I'm thinking they're living common-law, based on what LW is wording things
    That may or may not be a thing depending on where they live.   I'm not a lawyer but the little information I get is that it's not recognized in all states. 
    I've learned that common-laws are rare in the States. It's not like up here where if you live together for x amount of time, or have a child together, you are automatically considered common-law and must pay taxes to that effect. 
    Living together 1yr, unless you have a child. Then common-law the day child is born.
    {yay tax time info lol}
    It's three years in Ontario, unless you have a child. 
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm not sure if this is the states {and how states looks at it} but common-law they could easily look at joint income.

    I'm thinking they're living common-law, based on what LW is wording things
    That may or may not be a thing depending on where they live.   I'm not a lawyer but the little information I get is that it's not recognized in all states. 
    That, and it's not a thing that just happens after a certain amount of time. In the states that do still have it, you have to "hold yourself out" as being married. Most people don't do that, even if they've lived together for 20 years.

    I guess I could see it happening more often in the case of same-sex commitment ceremonies couples that didn't go make it legal after Obergfell. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    TrixieJess said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    TrixieJess said:
    banana468 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm not sure if this is the states {and how states looks at it} but common-law they could easily look at joint income.

    I'm thinking they're living common-law, based on what LW is wording things
    That may or may not be a thing depending on where they live.   I'm not a lawyer but the little information I get is that it's not recognized in all states. 
    I've learned that common-laws are rare in the States. It's not like up here where if you live together for x amount of time, or have a child together, you are automatically considered common-law and must pay taxes to that effect. 
    Living together 1yr, unless you have a child. Then common-law the day child is born.
    {yay tax time info lol}
    It's three years in Ontario, unless you have a child. 
    Nope. Changed to 1yr. Relatively recently - maybe about 3 or so years ago {could be a tad longer it changed ...}
    Tbh I only know it's that because I'm in charge of taxes and about 3yrs ago I was put in charge of it at work. CRA are dicks about it too *side eye*
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    knottieed114b9696681acbknottieed114b9696681acb member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Back to OP, my situation has some similarities to yours.  My FH is a working professional who makes more than me, and also gets large annual bonuses.  I am also a professional but in a different industry, and I do not make a comparable salary and I do not get a large bonus.  I still have student loans.  My FH and I do talk about finances and how our finances will merge more when we get married.  My FH would like me to pay my own student loan.  That said my FH picks up more living expenses making it easier for me to pay off my loan.  You will have to figure out what works for you and your BF.  It's probably better not to have ideas of how you think he should spend his bonus.
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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MissKittyDanger said:
    TrixieJess said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    TrixieJess said:
    banana468 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm not sure if this is the states {and how states looks at it} but common-law they could easily look at joint income.

    I'm thinking they're living common-law, based on what LW is wording things
    That may or may not be a thing depending on where they live.   I'm not a lawyer but the little information I get is that it's not recognized in all states. 
    I've learned that common-laws are rare in the States. It's not like up here where if you live together for x amount of time, or have a child together, you are automatically considered common-law and must pay taxes to that effect. 
    Living together 1yr, unless you have a child. Then common-law the day child is born.
    {yay tax time info lol}
    It's three years in Ontario, unless you have a child. 
    Nope. Changed to 1yr. Relatively recently - maybe about 3 or so years ago {could be a tad longer it changed ...}
    Tbh I only know it's that because I'm in charge of taxes and about 3yrs ago I was put in charge of it at work. CRA are dicks about it too *side eye*
    This I know. I didn't realise they changed it across the board. 
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