Registering and Gifts

Incorrect Monogramming on Gift

edited February 26 in Registering and Gifts
Hi!

My bridal shower was a couple weeks ago, and a few of my friends went in on an adorable beach bag for the honeymoon, which they got monogrammed for me. The thought was so sweet, but they had not asked what my initials would be after the wedding and assumed wrong. I’m so bummed, because my maiden name is very important to me, so I’d have a hard time using something without my correct initials (keeping maiden name as middle), but the bag is so freaking cute and I’d hate not to use it!

So a couple of questions -

Has anyone ever had success with getting a monogram removed/replaced? Is that even possible without ruining the material? Any other options?! Possibly a little patch over the top with the correct monogram? I assume returning is not an option.

How do I get the word out about what my new initials will be after the wedding? I’d hate for others to assume wrong and get other incorrectly monogrammed gifts. I had told my MOH and mom my name change plans in case anyone asked because I figured people would ask if anyone was going to get something monogrammed, but is there a better way to get the word out? In the same vein, should I tell my friends of the mistake? They are both bridesmaids so I’m thinking that they could potentially get questions about monogramming from others and I don’t want them to give people misinformation, but I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them! Regardless, I sent them each a thank you note!

Thanks in advance for the advice!
«1

Re: Incorrect Monogramming on Gift

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    mod
    I think you should just let all of this go. It’s a beach bag, it’s fine. 

    This. It's a beach bag, not a tattoo.
    image
    TrixieJess
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I use a beach bag I picked up at Goodwill with someone else's name on it.

    Anniversary

    ShesSoColdahoyweddingcharlotte989875
  • I'd let this particular gift go.   As others have said - it's a bag and not a tattoo and most places don't allow you to return anything monogrammed that is a result of the buyer's incorrectness.

    That said, you can probably work that into conversations with other people so it's not a blatant, "I'm going to use that wrong gift you gave me but for the future this is the deal" but if it comes up about what you're planning to do you can mention that you are keeping your middle name.


    SoonToBeSmith0512ILoveBeachMusiccharlotte989875eileenrob
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Hi!

    My bridal shower was a couple weeks ago, and a few of my friends went in on an adorable beach bag for the honeymoon, which they got monogrammed for me. The thought was so sweet, but they had not asked what my initials would be after the wedding and assumed wrong. I’m so bummed, because my maiden name is very important to me, so I’d have a hard time using something without my correct initials (keeping maiden name as middle), but the bag is so freaking cute and I’d hate not to use it!

    So a couple of questions -

    Has anyone ever had success with getting a monogram removed/replaced? Is that even possible without ruining the material? Any other options?! Possibly a little patch over the top with the correct monogram? I assume returning is not an option.

    How do I get the word out about what my new initials will be after the wedding? I’d hate for others to assume wrong and get other incorrectly monogrammed gifts. I had told my MOH and mom my name change plans in case anyone asked because I figured people would ask if anyone was going to get something monogrammed, but is there a better way to get the word out? In the same vein, should I tell my friends of the mistake? They are both bridesmaids so I’m thinking that they could potentially get questions about monogramming from others and I don’t want them to give people misinformation, but I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them! Regardless, I sent them each a thank you note!

    Thanks in advance for the advice!
    If it means that much to you, I suggest buying a seam ripper to remove the other monogram.  Or, if you're REALLY upset, you could go to a gift store in your area that does monogramming and they could remove it for you.  For a price.

    As far as telling others ... don't.



    Anniversary
    ahoyweddingcharlotte989875
  • Ditto the suggestion of buying a seam ripper. If it's successful, you can get the bag re-monogrammed. 

    In terms of getting the word out, word of mouth is best. Tell your most gossipy friend and your most gossipy relatives on both sides. Be prepared for people to address you as Mrs. HisLastName for a loooong time. It's really annoying at first but it gets better if you correct people each time they address you incorrectly. I've sent a lot of texts (particularly after xmas card season) that just say "such a beautiful card/letter/package/whatever! I just wanted to let you know that I kept my last name so that you can update your file for next year." If you don't correct people directly and clearly, expect to deal with this forever.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    ILoveBeachMusicSoonToBeSmith0512charlotte989875eileenrob
  • Ditto the suggestion of buying a seam ripper. If it's successful, you can get the bag re-monogrammed. 

    In terms of getting the word out, word of mouth is best. Tell your most gossipy friend and your most gossipy relatives on both sides. Be prepared for people to address you as Mrs. HisLastName for a loooong time. It's really annoying at first but it gets better if you correct people each time they address you incorrectly. I've sent a lot of texts (particularly after xmas card season) that just say "such a beautiful card/letter/package/whatever! I just wanted to let you know that I kept my last name so that you can update your file for next year." If you don't correct people directly and clearly, expect to deal with this forever.
    She is changing her name. That’s why I think this is overblow. She’s just changing middle to maiden. 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Ditto the suggestion of buying a seam ripper. If it's successful, you can get the bag re-monogrammed. 

    In terms of getting the word out, word of mouth is best. Tell your most gossipy friend and your most gossipy relatives on both sides. Be prepared for people to address you as Mrs. HisLastName for a loooong time. It's really annoying at first but it gets better if you correct people each time they address you incorrectly. I've sent a lot of texts (particularly after xmas card season) that just say "such a beautiful card/letter/package/whatever! I just wanted to let you know that I kept my last name so that you can update your file for next year." If you don't correct people directly and clearly, expect to deal with this forever.
    She is changing her name. That’s why I think this is overblow. She’s just changing middle to maiden. 
    ^^  Agreed.  OP said....."I’m so bummed, because my maiden name is very important to me, so I’d have a hard time using something without my correct initials (keeping maiden name as middle), but the bag is so freaking cute and I’d hate not to use it!"

    When we prepared for my (now) DIL's shower, we did inquire as to whether she would maintain her maiden name as her last name for professional reasons.  IF OP mentioned she was changing her last name, I'm not sure how many friends would ask beyond that.

  • Yes, my married name will be firstName maidenName hisLastName. If anyone has asked if I’m changing my name, I have told them explicitly this and my MOH and mom know to do the same.

    Part of why it bums me out so much is that I’m having a really hard time with the name change. My desire has always been to keep my own name, but my FI and our families felt strongly that I should take his for various reasons. Now, I know most people say at the end of the day it’s my decision, but if something is really important to my FI I want to take that into consideration. So the compromise was taking his last name with the maiden to middle switch, though this still hasn’t been completely well received with my traditional parents. So, even though it’s “just my middle initial” that’s incorrect, it’s very important to me. 

    I think I’ll take the bag to a place that does embroidery and see if they can help remove and replace the incorrect letter. It’s a very nice bag and was such a thoughtful gift, and I’d like it to be something that I can use on my honeymoon, as we start our new lives together and with my new name. Maybe I’m just sentimental like that. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    mod
    Yes, my married name will be firstName maidenName hisLastName. If anyone has asked if I’m changing my name, I have told them explicitly this and my MOH and mom know to do the same.

    Part of why it bums me out so much is that I’m having a really hard time with the name change. My desire has always been to keep my own name, but my FI and our families felt strongly that I should take his for various reasons. Now, I know most people say at the end of the day it’s my decision, but if something is really important to my FI I want to take that into consideration. So the compromise was taking his last name with the maiden to middle switch, though this still hasn’t been completely well received with my traditional parents. So, even though it’s “just my middle initial” that’s incorrect, it’s very important to me. 

    I think I’ll take the bag to a place that does embroidery and see if they can help remove and replace the incorrect letter. It’s a very nice bag and was such a thoughtful gift, and I’d like it to be something that I can use on my honeymoon, as we start our new lives together and with my new name. Maybe I’m just sentimental like that. 


    I understand; I didn't want to change my last name either but it was important to H. We compromised.

    Anyway, no one here is telling you that your name isn't important. No one is trying to say to just make your legal name the initials on the bag, we're saying that the bag itself, in the grand scheme of things, is of pretty little importance.

    I sincerely hope that in 50 years you won't look back on your honeymoon and think, "Ya know, it could have been perfect, had that beach bag had the correct initials on it."

    image
    ahoyweddingSTARMOON44thisismynickname2
  • Yes, my married name will be firstName maidenName hisLastName. If anyone has asked if I’m changing my name, I have told them explicitly this and my MOH and mom know to do the same.

    Part of why it bums me out so much is that I’m having a really hard time with the name change. My desire has always been to keep my own name, but my FI and our families felt strongly that I should take his for various reasons. Now, I know most people say at the end of the day it’s my decision, but if something is really important to my FI I want to take that into consideration. So the compromise was taking his last name with the maiden to middle switch, though this still hasn’t been completely well received with my traditional parents. So, even though it’s “just my middle initial” that’s incorrect, it’s very important to me. 

    I think I’ll take the bag to a place that does embroidery and see if they can help remove and replace the incorrect letter. It’s a very nice bag and was such a thoughtful gift, and I’d like it to be something that I can use on my honeymoon, as we start our new lives together and with my new name. Maybe I’m just sentimental like that. 
    Keep your damn name like you want to! It is your decision. He’ll cope 
    That’s exactly the opposite attitude I want to have entering my marriage. 
  • Yes, my married name will be firstName maidenName hisLastName. If anyone has asked if I’m changing my name, I have told them explicitly this and my MOH and mom know to do the same.

    Part of why it bums me out so much is that I’m having a really hard time with the name change. My desire has always been to keep my own name, but my FI and our families felt strongly that I should take his for various reasons. Now, I know most people say at the end of the day it’s my decision, but if something is really important to my FI I want to take that into consideration. So the compromise was taking his last name with the maiden to middle switch, though this still hasn’t been completely well received with my traditional parents. So, even though it’s “just my middle initial” that’s incorrect, it’s very important to me. 

    I think I’ll take the bag to a place that does embroidery and see if they can help remove and replace the incorrect letter. It’s a very nice bag and was such a thoughtful gift, and I’d like it to be something that I can use on my honeymoon, as we start our new lives together and with my new name. Maybe I’m just sentimental like that. 
    Keep your damn name like you want to! It is your decision. He’ll cope 
    That’s exactly the opposite attitude I want to have entering my marriage. 
    Knock yourself out! It just seems to actually be bothering you and the only reason you need to not change your name is “I don’t want to.”
    InLoveInQueenseileenrob
  • Yes, my married name will be firstName maidenName hisLastName. If anyone has asked if I’m changing my name, I have told them explicitly this and my MOH and mom know to do the same.

    Part of why it bums me out so much is that I’m having a really hard time with the name change. My desire has always been to keep my own name, but my FI and our families felt strongly that I should take his for various reasons. Now, I know most people say at the end of the day it’s my decision, but if something is really important to my FI I want to take that into consideration. So the compromise was taking his last name with the maiden to middle switch, though this still hasn’t been completely well received with my traditional parents. So, even though it’s “just my middle initial” that’s incorrect, it’s very important to me. 

    I think I’ll take the bag to a place that does embroidery and see if they can help remove and replace the incorrect letter. It’s a very nice bag and was such a thoughtful gift, and I’d like it to be something that I can use on my honeymoon, as we start our new lives together and with my new name. Maybe I’m just sentimental like that. 
    Keep your damn name like you want to! It is your decision. He’ll cope 
    That’s exactly the opposite attitude I want to have entering my marriage. 
    So maybe it was said a little short, but it's a valid point. You mentioned before that it's hard for you to wrap your head around changing your name. The reasons why it's important for your FI and families isn't our business, but a marriage should start with both partners feeling like equals. I didn't get that from the reasoning you gave for changing your name. If it's something that really bothers you, I think it's worth pushing back a bit. Is you desire to keep your name the same stronger than your FI's desire to have you change your name? My H didn't care either way; he said he would prefer we have the same last name but also told me at the end of the day it was my choice. On the other hand, I got in a huge fight with an ex who said he would never marry someone who didn't want to change her name and it caused me to rethink the whole relationship because he didn't value my autonomy. 
    STARMOON44charlotte989875InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • To clarify, he is by no means mandating that I take his name, nor is his family or mine. He has expressed to me a few times that it's important to him that I take it, given me his reasons, and I made this decision completely on my own taking his thoughts and feelings into consideration. My FI has made many important, and sometimes hard, decisions taking me into consideration; so no, it's not just that he's letting me plan a party and pick out a house. We are a partnership, and part of that means sometimes putting the other person's wishes above your own, which is what I've chosen to do here. Not because I feel forced to do so or because I don't think he would cope, but because I know taking is name is important to him, and I'm willing to put him above myself at times. 

    I am perfectly content with the decision I've made to drop my middle name (with thought of passing it on to a daughter if we have one), and using my maiden name as my middle. I just want the freaking bag fixed to be a proper reflection of the new way I've chosen to identify! 
    ShesSoColdahoyweddingthisismynickname2
  • I just want the freaking bag fixed to be a proper reflection of the new way I've chosen to identify! 
    I completely understand what you mean here.  I was of the mind at around 5 years old that I would never be changing my name.  When we got married, it was was non-negotiable for me.  Those initials are important, no matter which ones you decide to choose for yourself.  I would also love to get a gorgeous beach bag, and I would be pretty bummed if it was monogrammed incorrectly.  Sure, some people might think that attitude is vain, but it's not about other people.  It's about you and what you want on your bag.  If you can't find a seamstress who can do it - not all have a monogramming machine - can you contact the original manufacturer and see what they will do for you?  I've received gifts before like this and called the company and was able to work out a replacement.  One time in particular, I received a fur neck warmer from my MIL, but she didn't know that I don't wear fur.  I called the company, and they had me ship it back and replaced it with a gift card for the full value.  You might have some options here, but I think your best move is to call the company and find out what they might offer.
    SoonToBeSmith0512InLoveInQueenssouthernbelle0915
  • To clarify, he is by no means mandating that I take his name, nor is his family or mine. He has expressed to me a few times that it's important to him that I take it, given me his reasons, and I made this decision completely on my own taking his thoughts and feelings into consideration. My FI has made many important, and sometimes hard, decisions taking me into consideration; so no, it's not just that he's letting me plan a party and pick out a house. We are a partnership, and part of that means sometimes putting the other person's wishes above your own, which is what I've chosen to do here. Not because I feel forced to do so or because I don't think he would cope, but because I know taking is name is important to him, and I'm willing to put him above myself at times. 

    I am perfectly content with the decision I've made to drop my middle name (with thought of passing it on to a daughter if we have one), and using my maiden name as my middle. I just want the freaking bag fixed to be a proper reflection of the new way I've chosen to identify! 
    I'm curious; what are his reasons that are somehow more important than you keeping your name as you want to do?

    If, for instance, it's so you will both share a name with future children, he could change his name to yours instead. If he feels strongly about sharing a name but objects to doing so with your name in place of his, that would seem to make it a patriarchal and misogynistic stance to take, IMO.
    image
    InLoveInQueenssouthernbelle0915MyNameIsNotknottie156f8272d126b19f
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    mod
    To clarify, he is by no means mandating that I take his name, nor is his family or mine. He has expressed to me a few times that it's important to him that I take it, given me his reasons, and I made this decision completely on my own taking his thoughts and feelings into consideration. My FI has made many important, and sometimes hard, decisions taking me into consideration; so no, it's not just that he's letting me plan a party and pick out a house. We are a partnership, and part of that means sometimes putting the other person's wishes above your own, which is what I've chosen to do here. Not because I feel forced to do so or because I don't think he would cope, but because I know taking is name is important to him, and I'm willing to put him above myself at times. 

    I am perfectly content with the decision I've made to drop my middle name (with thought of passing it on to a daughter if we have one), and using my maiden name as my middle. I just want the freaking bag fixed to be a proper reflection of the new way I've chosen to identify! 
    I'm curious; what are his reasons that are somehow more important than you keeping your name as you want to do?

    If, for instance, it's so you will both share a name with future children, he could change his name to yours instead. If he feels strongly about sharing a name but objects to doing so with your name in place of his, that would seem to make it a patriarchal and misogynistic stance to take, IMO.


    I know you asked OP, but I was in a similar boat so I'mma answer here too. Plus I tend to disagree with the assumption around here that (not necessarily yours specifically) the man is a sexist asshole for wanting his wife to take his name.

    My H never wanted to get married. He watched his parents' marriage fail and watched his dad's second marriage crumble to the point of misery but no one bothers to file for divorce. Getting married was important to me. After years of talking about it, he decided that he'd rather marry me than lose me. So he proposed.

    I didn't want to take H's name because it sounds funny, is really weird, is spelled oddly (starts with a Ch but is pronounced with an Sh") and my first name is weird enough for a lot of people and I didn't want to have to spell BOTH my names all the time.

    H found it to be disrespectful for me to not take his name. Like I was shitting on him and his family. His feeling of disrespect outweighed my feeling of "this name is weird".

    Also, H is an electrician and therefore cannot wear jewelry. The wedding ring was important to me (although not dealbreaker important). He got my name tattooed on his ring finger and a larger tattoo on his leg for me. Tattoos are his "thing" and he got two to honor me. We kind of joke that I took his name so he took mine.

    For me, there was nothing misogynistic about it. It's something that was important to him, so I took his opinions into consideration and I decided that I was going to change my name because his feelings about it were stronger than mine. For me, NABD.

    image
    SoonToBeSmith0512thisismynickname2
  • To clarify, he is by no means mandating that I take his name, nor is his family or mine. He has expressed to me a few times that it's important to him that I take it, given me his reasons, and I made this decision completely on my own taking his thoughts and feelings into consideration. My FI has made many important, and sometimes hard, decisions taking me into consideration; so no, it's not just that he's letting me plan a party and pick out a house. We are a partnership, and part of that means sometimes putting the other person's wishes above your own, which is what I've chosen to do here. Not because I feel forced to do so or because I don't think he would cope, but because I know taking is name is important to him, and I'm willing to put him above myself at times. 

    I am perfectly content with the decision I've made to drop my middle name (with thought of passing it on to a daughter if we have one), and using my maiden name as my middle. I just want the freaking bag fixed to be a proper reflection of the new way I've chosen to identify! 
    This is fair. I didn't get from your earlier comments that you were okay with that decision, but it seems like you are which is great! I had my own moment of "eek do I really want to do this?" before I finally started the name change process too. I hadn't made a decision before the wedding, so luckily we got nothing monogrammed LOL. 

    As far as the bag, I like the suggestion of either taking a seam ripper to the entire monogram, or checking with a local embroidery shop to see if they can fix the one letter. Since it's your middle initial it would be the far right letter, right? That seems like it should be easier to fix than the center letter. You could also call the shop where the gift was ordered and play the "I got this for a wedding gift card." Sometimes that works in situations where an exchange usually wouldn't be allowed. 
    ShesSoColdSoonToBeSmith0512InLoveInQueens
  • To clarify, he is by no means mandating that I take his name, nor is his family or mine. He has expressed to me a few times that it's important to him that I take it, given me his reasons, and I made this decision completely on my own taking his thoughts and feelings into consideration. My FI has made many important, and sometimes hard, decisions taking me into consideration; so no, it's not just that he's letting me plan a party and pick out a house. We are a partnership, and part of that means sometimes putting the other person's wishes above your own, which is what I've chosen to do here. Not because I feel forced to do so or because I don't think he would cope, but because I know taking is name is important to him, and I'm willing to put him above myself at times. 

    I am perfectly content with the decision I've made to drop my middle name (with thought of passing it on to a daughter if we have one), and using my maiden name as my middle. I just want the freaking bag fixed to be a proper reflection of the new way I've chosen to identify! 

    Just chiming in to say I feel you on this. I am making the same decision you are, and like you, it was a compromise and difficult decision for me. It's one I made willingly and thought out quite a bit, but it doesn't make it any less a hard decision. I also see my maiden initial as being pretty important to me - my new email address will be "FirstIntiialMaidenInitialNewLast", my business cards will have my full name on them, etc. 

    I, unfortunately, don't know anything about bags nor do I have any advice, but it's perfectly reasonable to feel this way. Only thing I can think of to subtly tell people is to buy stationary with your new monogram for your thank you notes.
    SoonToBeSmith0512
  • To clarify, he is by no means mandating that I take his name, nor is his family or mine. He has expressed to me a few times that it's important to him that I take it, given me his reasons, and I made this decision completely on my own taking his thoughts and feelings into consideration. My FI has made many important, and sometimes hard, decisions taking me into consideration; so no, it's not just that he's letting me plan a party and pick out a house. We are a partnership, and part of that means sometimes putting the other person's wishes above your own, which is what I've chosen to do here. Not because I feel forced to do so or because I don't think he would cope, but because I know taking is name is important to him, and I'm willing to put him above myself at times. 

    I am perfectly content with the decision I've made to drop my middle name (with thought of passing it on to a daughter if we have one), and using my maiden name as my middle. I just want the freaking bag fixed to be a proper reflection of the new way I've chosen to identify! 

    Just chiming in to say I feel you on this. I am making the same decision you are, and like you, it was a compromise and difficult decision for me. It's one I made willingly and thought out quite a bit, but it doesn't make it any less a hard decision. I also see my maiden initial as being pretty important to me - my new email address will be "FirstIntiialMaidenInitialNewLast", my business cards will have my full name on them, etc. 

    I, unfortunately, don't know anything about bags nor do I have any advice, but it's perfectly reasonable to feel this way. Only thing I can think of to subtly tell people is to buy stationary with your new monogram for your thank you notes.
    Thats exactly it. I’m doing the same with my email and business cards! I think your suggestion of getting thank you cards with my new monogram is a great one. That feels better than point blank telling people, which could come off as though I’m expected monogrammed gifts or something, but definitely gets the point across!
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    This is fun for me to think about. Some of you regs and I have had this discussion before, but yeah, I took DH's name, and my maiden name is legally a second middle name. The reason was so that our whole new family unit (us and kids) would have the same name, which was important to both of us, and he had the better name.

    However, it would have been a really interesting experiment and please someone do this in the future if this ends up being your situation: What would have happened if I didn't care about the whole "everyone with the same name" thing? 

    Because in that instance, it's really easy to say, "Keeping my name is important to me, and all of us having the same family name is important to you. There's an option where we both get what we want - you take my last name." And then you really get a window into what the true reasons are.

    I like the idea of what OP wrote above, but I really don't think that a man having a "greater sense of familial pride" (unless there's a great disparity in how close each partner's families are) can be truly and fully separated from patriarchal origins.

    Anniversary

    STARMOON44ahoyweddingcharlotte989875SoonToBeSmith0512
  • edited February 28
    I think there are plenty of non-sexist reasons a man woman may wish for his wife her husband to take his her name versus taking hers his - assuming that they agree on the desire to share a name. For example -

    Sense of pride in family name - Perhaps he she feels a strong sense of pride in his her last name, or a strong connection to his her lineage, which he she desires to pass on. Sure, this can go both ways, but perhaps the man's woman's sense of familial pride is greater than the woman's man's. Perhaps not, but I think it totally depends on the couple and can be a factor for consideration.

    Sense of identity - Just as a woman's man's name is an important part of her his identity, so is a man's woman's part of his her's. Again, this goes both ways, and it depends on the couple who derives a "stronger" sense of identity from their last name. 

    Desire to appease family - While most will say that the only opinion that matters is the bride's husband's, I do think many people, both men and women, desire to honor their family's wishes. Both the bride's and groom's families could have their own set of reasons - sexist or not - for wishing that the bride groom takes her husband's his wife's name, which the couple may wish to respect.

    These are just to name a few. 

    As much as the man woman should "be ok" or "cope" with the woman's man's decision to keep her his last name, the woman man should also be willing to take his her thoughts and feelings into consideration. That's how a partnership works. 

    At least in my case, it's not that my FI's opinion "outweighed" mine, it's that all views were out on the table, and I made my decision with him in mind. Even if it was a hard one, the decision was mine to make, and it's one I'm content with. 
    I edited this to show that the inverse (almost) never happens and the reason is patriarchal traditions and sexist culture. There are probably very few people here who even personally know of a man who took his wife's last name. 

    99.99999% of the time, there is a mutual desire to share a family name, but there isn't serious consideration of the man changing his name to his wife's. It's usually "if we want to share a last name, we'll do his name or we won't share one." Even when couples claim to have seriously considered the man taking the wife's name, there's some excuse as to why they didn't - "his is easier to spell" or "his sounds nice" or some other (frankly bullshit) reason when, in actuality, him changing his was never really and truly on the table. Like they talked about it, but when push came to shove, it wouldn't have happened. If it was truly on the table for as many people as claim that it is/was, 50% of couples who considered this would have the wife's name....but of course they don't.

    And to the first bolded, I will say this is not usually part of the conversation for women. There's really no arguing about that - it's just not.

    To the second bolded, how common do you think it is that men have conversations about "coping" or "being ok with" their decision to keep their name? Spoiler: almost never. 

    I'm not pointing these things out to poke holes in your decision - do what you want. But I'm pointing it out because the root of all this reasoning and hand wringing about what to do is unique to women and rooted in sexist culture. To even pretend that the decision to use a man's last name versus a woman's last name is an egalitarian conversation/decision is smoke and mirrors. And it's a pet peeve of mine when people pretend that it is.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueens
«1
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards