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Wedding Woes

Co-habitation jitters

Dear Prudence, 
My partner and I are both in our 30s, have great jobs, and don’t want children. We’ve been dating for a little more than a year and will move in together in May. We’ve spent plenty of time together to make this decision, and I’m excited but … moving in with someone has, in the past, been the prelude to a downhill slide in my relationships. I’ve thought a lot about why and already made positive changes in this relationship, thanks to therapy. But I’m still nervous that my (amazing) partner and I won’t weather this transition. How can I get over this unfounded fear?
—Anxiously Anticipating Cohabitation

Re: Co-habitation jitters

  • Does LW's spouse know the previous issues? If so, I'm sure they understand you're weary. TBH even without previous issues, moving in with a spouse isn't an easy decision and there's always the thoughts of concern.

    Communication is key here.
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  • Big relationship steps are scary and we can't predict the future. Sounds like LW is self-aware to know they contributed to failed relationships in the past, and have made some changes in their life. Time to put that behind you and enjoy your current relationship and the step you're taking together. 
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  • Big relationship steps are scary and we can't predict the future. Sounds like LW is self-aware to know they contributed to failed relationships in the past, and have made some changes in their life. Time to put that behind you and enjoy your current relationship and the step you're taking together. 
    I agree with all of this. This letter reminds me of FI and I when we moved in together. We had both had situations that hadn't worked out in the past, but we were both a little older and a little wiser and we talked, a lot about what we wanted for the present and future. The key is to always communicate. 
    charlotte989875
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    Big relationship steps are scary and we can't predict the future. Sounds like LW is self-aware to know they contributed to failed relationships in the past, and have made some changes in their life. Time to put that behind you and enjoy your current relationship and the step you're taking together. 


    EXXXXXXXXXXXXACTLY. Big steps are scary steps but sometimes they're worth it. Sometimes you walk away with nothing but a lesson, but this might be the time where it works.

    That, plus the fact that relationships take work and compromise and, without jumping to too many conclusions here, I hope LW is open to working on things instead of just being all "this MFer leaves the toilet seat up. F him, I'm out".

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    charlotte989875ahoywedding
  • If you can afford it, get a two bedroom place, minimum. Three bedrooms would be ideal so you each have your own space. 

    Don't feel the need to do everything together - you already live together. Make dates with your friends and don't invite your SO. 

    Be able to separate real issues from roommate annoyances. If you find yourself blending the two, ask yourself why that might be.
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    ahoyweddingcharlotte989875mrsconn23
  • The only caution I would take if I was the LW, and it sounds like this has already been worked out in therapy, is WHY previous relationships started falling apart shortly after moving in.

    Other than that, the LW could look at it this way.  If one of her previous relationships had worked out, than she wouldn't be in this one ;).  That's how that works, lol.  Relationships will eventually fall apart...until one doesn't.

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    MissKittyDangercharlotte989875
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