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Wedding Woes

I don't think you need to tell either one, but you should make a choice soon.

Dear Prudence,

For the past two years, I have been involved with “Noah” long-distance. We were both reluctant to define our relationship—he never told me he loved me or called me his girlfriend, but he was otherwise caring and attentive. We never talked about monogamy, but neither of us slept with anyone else. Eventually I wanted something more serious. A month ago I met someone local, Ryan, who I really like, and finally ended things with Noah. Ryan’s fun, we enjoy sleeping together, and he’s brightened up my life. But now Noah has started messaging me again, telling me he was wrong and wants to get back together. We have been talking quite a bit and I feel that I do want to be with him in the long term. I have not discussed exclusivity with Ryan but right now I feel like I’m having an affair with both of them. Am I obligated to tell either about the other? Will it help to be honest, or will it just make things worse?

—A Bird in the Hand and One in the Bush

Re: I don't think you need to tell either one, but you should make a choice soon.

  • Yes, you are obligated to be honest with people you care about. Just generally. So yea. 

    Just because you haven't said "so we're exclusive, right?" Ryan may fully be under the impression that y'all are exclusive. Instead of relying on omission of a conversation to justify your behavior, let him know you've been talking to someone else and what that person means to you. If he's ok with that, he'll stay. If not, he'll walk. You owe him at least that.
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    STARMOON44
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 1
    I don't think she needs to tell Ryan that she's talking to Noah again, but if she doesn't think Ryan is the long-term guy and Noah is, then she needs to break it off with Ryan.  I think telling Ryan when she doesn't plan to stay with him will only serve to hurt him.  She just needs to end it. 

    Or have her Kelly from 90210 moment and say, "I choose me!"  :D 
    STARMOON44OliveOilsMom
  • Well that's the most accurate signature I've seen on a Prudie letter in a while. 

    I curious what the state of the Ryan relationship actually is; like have they not discussed exclusivity but for all intents and purposes they're only sleeping with/seeing each other and just haven't "officially" had the talk, then maybe it's not technically an affair, but a lie by omission. 

    I don't think she has to disclose everything that's happened with the other man, but if you're feeling bad about what you are doing, chances are you know something is wrong with it. 
    OliveOilsMom
  • I don't have enough info from the LW.  She talks about Noah for the long-term, but what about the long distance?  Sounds like that's a situation without necessarily any ending.

    For a serious long distance relationship to work, I think there usually needs to be a "plan" for when the long distance part will be resolved.

    I also find it concerning that everything was fairly casual, on both sides, with Noah.  But now all of a sudden it's "Noah wants her back" and "I see myself with him long term".  Where exactly was all of this strong emotion before?

    Unless there is a real epiphany going on between these two, I see them falling back into their old habits.  Which she didn't appear happy about before, or else she wouldn't have bailed on things for Ryan.

    But then she also needs to keep in mind that Ryan is new.  And local.  Both of those things will make him seem "fun and brightening", compared to what she was used to.

    I'm leaning toward not getting back with Noah.  Maybe things with Ryan will work out.  Maybe they won't.  But, either way, she didn't seem happy with the long distance Noah thing.

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    charlotte989875mrsconn23OliveOilsMomlevioosa
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