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Wedding Woes

You. Were. Assaulted.

Dear Prudence, 
Three nights ago, I got extremely intoxicated while out with a friend and texted my husband to tell him I was crashing at her house. We spend the night playing video games with her boyfriend, their roommate, and his friend “Jack.” I eventually fell asleep and I woke up to Jack asking me if I wanted him to stop. I can only piece together small bits of what happened from then on but we certainly had sex. I feel disgusting. I have spent the past few days pretending it didn’t happen but it is slowly seeping back and I don’t know what to do. I want to tell my husband but I am terrified he will never forgive me and our lives will crumble. (We have a toddler together.)

I have conflicting emotions about what happened because while I know I put myself in that position, I’m not sure what I did to make Jack think this was OK. I had never met Jack before that night and I hope I never see him again. I am feeling too embarrassed and guilty to even tell my therapist. While I have struggled with depression my whole life and it has improved greatly over the past year or so, I am contemplating just ending it. I don’t know how I can exist after hurting the people I love most in this world.
—How to Tell Him

Re: You. Were. Assaulted.

  • 1 - see a dr {ensure you are safe from infections, etc}
    2 - file a report
    3 - seek therapy

    I'm concerned about this one. LW already has previous depression issues and I hope she can get the help she needs :(
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  • 1) File. A. Police. Report.
    2) tell your therapist and talk through the best way to tell your husband
    3) tell your husband

    She'll probably end up telling him anyway because they'll either end up in therapy or divorced because she's distant and depressed and won't let him help her. May as well address it head on. Keeping it inside is going to ruin her life.
    All of this sounds awful.    If you were blackout drunk you couldn't consent.   

    You need therapy and you need to work with that therapist to talk to the DH.  You should also not have sex with your DH until you are tested for any diseases. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    This is heartbreaking and infuriating. 

  • It's such extra sadness that the victim is blaming herself and thinks her H will blame her, too.  And, without knowing him, I wouldn't even be able to assure her that he won't.  There are way too many ignorant people in this world who blame rape victims.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    She was assaulted, she needs to open up to her husband IMMEDIATELY about what happened, if he's going to bolt, that's a different topic for a different day.  She needs the emotional support for what to do next that is HER choice, going to the police is going to be difficult, but if they've got anything the authorities can use for evidence, that and getting proper medical attention/treatment.  Hiding it and blaming herself for getting drunk doesn't change the fact this was an assault/rape.  That is not her fault.  And sure AF, the friend needs to know about that part of the roommate's personality to protect herself at the bare minimum!  
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    This so purely heartbreaking, no wonder so few women come forward-women themselves don't always know when it's assault. 
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2
    This is so sad. I really hope she talks to her therapist. Maybe the therapist can help her figure out what to say to her husband and how to deal with whatever reaction he has. And obviously she needs to get tested for STD's as soon as possible.

    But what worries me most is that she says "I'm contemplating just ending it." It says a lot about our society that she feels like she has hurt her loved ones by being assaulted, when the person who assaulted her, the one who hurt her, is probably walking around without any remorse. If she's not ready to discuss the assault with anyone, I hope she'll at least call a suicide hotline to get some help for these thoughts. 

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