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Incorrect Monogramming on Gift

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Re: Incorrect Monogramming on Gift

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
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    I'm not trying to defend him or my decisions, at the end of the day I don't think anyone is questioning whether I'm content. But as frustrating as it is when traditions rooted in sexist origins aren't challenged, it's equally frustrating when the assumption is made that should such tradition be assumed, and underpinning of sexism must be the reason why. 

    In other news, I met with an embroiderer last night who said fixing the bag shouldn't be a problem! I'll get it back Friday, so fingers crossed!
    I don't think anyone is saying that your FI is sexist; but the reason you can't separate the tradition from sexism is that the tradition is quite actually founded in a sexist structure. 

    I'm an ardent feminist. I work for a feminist organization. I teach feminism in classes. But I also chose to add my H's name to mine (I use Firstname Maidenname Lastname personally and professionally). And it is sexist. I had my reasons for choosing to do so, but I also had to acknowledge that by doing it I am upholding a sexist tradition, one that historically women didn't even have a say in. Maybe this is hypocritical, maybe I'm contributing to institutionalized sexism. It's something I had to come to terms with on my own. But I'm also not going to try and argue a woman taking her husband's name is anything but a tradition rooted in patriarchy. 
    I don't think most of us want to think that our husbands are a little bit sexist if, as @southernbelle0915 said, changing their name was never really on the table. At the very least, it's a male privilege they can't escape having.

    I actually asked DH last night if him changing to my name was ever on the table, and he said, "Probably not" and noted that since I didn't seem interested in it at the time, he didn't give it serious philosophical consideration. Maybe he would have been interested, but it definitely would have taken some soul searching, and I guarantee he would have gotten a lot of shit from both his brothers and his mom (which is not a reason not to do it). All of that comes from the fact that the norm is sexist.
    Exactly, I completely agree. My H truly didn't care what I did with my name (it never even came up as a conversation), but I doubt he would have changed his. My H recognizes the enormous privilege he has as a white man, especially one who grew up upper-middle class. 

    I guess what I was trying to say is that people (OP included) should choose whatever is right for them, but at the very least recognize that it is a sexist tradition/institution and acknowledge that if you choose to participate in it. I did. It doesn't make me a bad person, or a bad feminist. But it is something that sits with me. 

    This is what I'm taking away from this conversation. It never occurred to me where H's opinions were coming from and I realized that through this conversation and I thank you and everyone else who dug a little deeper.

    image
    ahoyweddingSTARMOON44
  • Definitely interesting to hear all sides!


  • I'm not trying to defend him or my decisions, at the end of the day I don't think anyone is questioning whether I'm content. But as frustrating as it is when traditions rooted in sexist origins aren't challenged, it's equally frustrating when the assumption is made that should such tradition be assumed, and underpinning of sexism must be the reason why. 

    In other news, I met with an embroiderer last night who said fixing the bag shouldn't be a problem! I'll get it back Friday, so fingers crossed!
    I don't think anyone is saying that your FI is sexist; but the reason you can't separate the tradition from sexism is that the tradition is quite actually founded in a sexist structure. 

    I'm an ardent feminist. I work for a feminist organization. I teach feminism in classes. But I also chose to add my H's name to mine (I use Firstname Maidenname Lastname personally and professionally). And it is sexist. I had my reasons for choosing to do so, but I also had to acknowledge that by doing it I am upholding a sexist tradition, one that historically women didn't even have a say in. Maybe this is hypocritical, maybe I'm contributing to institutionalized sexism. It's something I had to come to terms with on my own. But I'm also not going to try and argue a woman taking her husband's name is anything but a tradition rooted in patriarchy. 
    I don't think most of us want to think that our husbands are a little bit sexist if, as @southernbelle0915 said, changing their name was never really on the table. At the very least, it's a male privilege they can't escape having.

    I actually asked DH last night if him changing to my name was ever on the table, and he said, "Probably not" and noted that since I didn't seem interested in it at the time, he didn't give it serious philosophical consideration. Maybe he would have been interested, but it definitely would have taken some soul searching, and I guarantee he would have gotten a lot of shit from both his brothers and his mom (which is not a reason not to do it). All of that comes from the fact that the norm is sexist.
    Oh I know for sure my H would not have changed his name to mine at the time we got married. He never even thought it was possible until I brought it up. And it was never a "real" conversation in terms of a possible outcome. Of course that dynamic is rooted in sexism and patriarchy, which I had to explain to him.

    Just before the wedding he apologized for pressuring me, saying he realized how sexist it was and how much shit people gave me about keeping my name (and recognizing that he didn't get ANY of that for keeping his). At that time, I again brought up him changing his name  as an option....but it was never really on the table. 

    However, before our son was born (3 years into marriage) he approached me about hyphenating - like all of us hyphenating. It was a step in the right direction and showed that he valued a family name....but again, not enough to change his. 

    So yea, are even woke husbands dipping their toes in sexism? Yes. Yes, they are. They've been raised with this expectation. To pretend they're not and that a couple "only chose his name because it sounds better/is easier to spell/means a lot to him" is ridiculous and that's where I roll my eyes at these discussions. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    Greenjinjo STARMOON44charlotte989875justsie


  • I'm not trying to defend him or my decisions, at the end of the day I don't think anyone is questioning whether I'm content. But as frustrating as it is when traditions rooted in sexist origins aren't challenged, it's equally frustrating when the assumption is made that should such tradition be assumed, and underpinning of sexism must be the reason why. 

    In other news, I met with an embroiderer last night who said fixing the bag shouldn't be a problem! I'll get it back Friday, so fingers crossed!
    I don't think anyone is saying that your FI is sexist; but the reason you can't separate the tradition from sexism is that the tradition is quite actually founded in a sexist structure. 

    I'm an ardent feminist. I work for a feminist organization. I teach feminism in classes. But I also chose to add my H's name to mine (I use Firstname Maidenname Lastname personally and professionally). And it is sexist. I had my reasons for choosing to do so, but I also had to acknowledge that by doing it I am upholding a sexist tradition, one that historically women didn't even have a say in. Maybe this is hypocritical, maybe I'm contributing to institutionalized sexism. It's something I had to come to terms with on my own. But I'm also not going to try and argue a woman taking her husband's name is anything but a tradition rooted in patriarchy. 
    I don't think most of us want to think that our husbands are a little bit sexist if, as @southernbelle0915 said, changing their name was never really on the table. At the very least, it's a male privilege they can't escape having.

    I actually asked DH last night if him changing to my name was ever on the table, and he said, "Probably not" and noted that since I didn't seem interested in it at the time, he didn't give it serious philosophical consideration. Maybe he would have been interested, but it definitely would have taken some soul searching, and I guarantee he would have gotten a lot of shit from both his brothers and his mom (which is not a reason not to do it). All of that comes from the fact that the norm is sexist.
    Oh I know for sure my H would not have changed his name to mine at the time we got married. He never even thought it was possible until I brought it up. And it was never a "real" conversation in terms of a possible outcome. Of course that dynamic is rooted in sexism and patriarchy, which I had to explain to him.

    Just before the wedding he apologized for pressuring me, saying he realized how sexist it was and how much shit people gave me about keeping my name (and recognizing that he didn't get ANY of that for keeping his). At that time, I again brought up him changing his name  as an option....but it was never really on the table. 

    However, before our son was born (3 years into marriage) he approached me about hyphenating - like all of us hyphenating. It was a step in the right direction and showed that he valued a family name....but again, not enough to change his. 

    So yea, are even woke husbands dipping their toes in sexism? Yes. Yes, they are. They've been raised with this expectation. To pretend they're not and that a couple "only chose his name because it sounds better/is easier to spell/means a lot to him" is ridiculous and that's where I roll my eyes at these discussions. 
    Not to mention that (in most of the US anyway), it's easier for the woman to change her name than it is for the man. Our marriage certificate was sufficient for me to change my  name, and the costs were somewhat minimal. However, that's not enough for a man and most of the time it's a complicated legal situation and I've heard of men having to hire a lawyer and spend a lot of money in court. 
    SoonToBeSmith0512
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member


    I'm not trying to defend him or my decisions, at the end of the day I don't think anyone is questioning whether I'm content. But as frustrating as it is when traditions rooted in sexist origins aren't challenged, it's equally frustrating when the assumption is made that should such tradition be assumed, and underpinning of sexism must be the reason why. 

    In other news, I met with an embroiderer last night who said fixing the bag shouldn't be a problem! I'll get it back Friday, so fingers crossed!
    I don't think anyone is saying that your FI is sexist; but the reason you can't separate the tradition from sexism is that the tradition is quite actually founded in a sexist structure. 

    I'm an ardent feminist. I work for a feminist organization. I teach feminism in classes. But I also chose to add my H's name to mine (I use Firstname Maidenname Lastname personally and professionally). And it is sexist. I had my reasons for choosing to do so, but I also had to acknowledge that by doing it I am upholding a sexist tradition, one that historically women didn't even have a say in. Maybe this is hypocritical, maybe I'm contributing to institutionalized sexism. It's something I had to come to terms with on my own. But I'm also not going to try and argue a woman taking her husband's name is anything but a tradition rooted in patriarchy. 
    I don't think most of us want to think that our husbands are a little bit sexist if, as @southernbelle0915 said, changing their name was never really on the table. At the very least, it's a male privilege they can't escape having.

    I actually asked DH last night if him changing to my name was ever on the table, and he said, "Probably not" and noted that since I didn't seem interested in it at the time, he didn't give it serious philosophical consideration. Maybe he would have been interested, but it definitely would have taken some soul searching, and I guarantee he would have gotten a lot of shit from both his brothers and his mom (which is not a reason not to do it). All of that comes from the fact that the norm is sexist.
    Oh I know for sure my H would not have changed his name to mine at the time we got married. He never even thought it was possible until I brought it up. And it was never a "real" conversation in terms of a possible outcome. Of course that dynamic is rooted in sexism and patriarchy, which I had to explain to him.

    Just before the wedding he apologized for pressuring me, saying he realized how sexist it was and how much shit people gave me about keeping my name (and recognizing that he didn't get ANY of that for keeping his). At that time, I again brought up him changing his name  as an option....but it was never really on the table. 

    However, before our son was born (3 years into marriage) he approached me about hyphenating - like all of us hyphenating. It was a step in the right direction and showed that he valued a family name....but again, not enough to change his. 

    So yea, are even woke husbands dipping their toes in sexism? Yes. Yes, they are. They've been raised with this expectation. To pretend they're not and that a couple "only chose his name because it sounds better/is easier to spell/means a lot to him" is ridiculous and that's where I roll my eyes at these discussions. 
    True, I don't think that our decision was a truly egalitarian one, even though I've phrased things similarly to the bolded before. Being raised with the expectation is part of why I mentioned the brothers and mom (I actually don't think his dad would have had input), because I honestly think MIL would have taken it as an affront to all that she's tried to do with her perfect boys. Is the name she took and her darling son's name not good enough for me/(us, if we both used my name)? This is the shit I guess we both chose not to deal with, even without really considering it.

    I do think being Irish means a lot to him, but I wouldn't have accepted that as a reason. You still get to be Irish without having an Irish name. Women do it all the time. My 100% Irish grandma who took the German name of her half-German, half-Irish husband loved her Irish heritage and didn't pretend to be German. (Not to shit on MIL again, but she makes a huge deal of being "Irish" when she is 100% German. No, you took an Irish name.)

    Anniversary

    southernbelle0915STARMOON44charlotte989875
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    mod

    I really should have pushed harder to combine our names. It would have worked so well.

    Like, his name was Schneider and mine was Nelson - Schnelson.

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    charlotte989875ahoyweddingsparklepants41justsie
  • flantastic said:

    (snip for length)
    You still get to be Irish without having an Irish name. Women do it all the time. My 100% Irish grandma who took the German name of her half-German, half-Irish husband loved her Irish heritage and didn't pretend to be German. (Not to shit on MIL again, but she makes a huge deal of being "Irish" when she is 100% German. No, you took an Irish name.)
    The bolded makes me laugh because I can so relate....so when H was justifying why his name > mine, he was like "I'm proud of my Austrian and German heritage". Ummm.....literally your family changed their Polish name in the 40s to something that sounded more German to escape persecution. Y'all are straight up Polish. But they'll swear up and down the fence they're German (they're not).  If we're really talking heritage, my dad is 100% Dutch and my mom is like 90% Dutch. My last name reflects that - and it's legit. 

    But it was never really about strong heritage...KWIM? ;)
    *********************************************************************************

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    charlotte989875ahoyweddingSoonToBeSmith0512flantastic


  • I'm not trying to defend him or my decisions, at the end of the day I don't think anyone is questioning whether I'm content. But as frustrating as it is when traditions rooted in sexist origins aren't challenged, it's equally frustrating when the assumption is made that should such tradition be assumed, and underpinning of sexism must be the reason why. 

    In other news, I met with an embroiderer last night who said fixing the bag shouldn't be a problem! I'll get it back Friday, so fingers crossed!
    I don't think anyone is saying that your FI is sexist; but the reason you can't separate the tradition from sexism is that the tradition is quite actually founded in a sexist structure. 

    I'm an ardent feminist. I work for a feminist organization. I teach feminism in classes. But I also chose to add my H's name to mine (I use Firstname Maidenname Lastname personally and professionally). And it is sexist. I had my reasons for choosing to do so, but I also had to acknowledge that by doing it I am upholding a sexist tradition, one that historically women didn't even have a say in. Maybe this is hypocritical, maybe I'm contributing to institutionalized sexism. It's something I had to come to terms with on my own. But I'm also not going to try and argue a woman taking her husband's name is anything but a tradition rooted in patriarchy. 
    I don't think most of us want to think that our husbands are a little bit sexist if, as @southernbelle0915 said, changing their name was never really on the table. At the very least, it's a male privilege they can't escape having.

    I actually asked DH last night if him changing to my name was ever on the table, and he said, "Probably not" and noted that since I didn't seem interested in it at the time, he didn't give it serious philosophical consideration. Maybe he would have been interested, but it definitely would have taken some soul searching, and I guarantee he would have gotten a lot of shit from both his brothers and his mom (which is not a reason not to do it). All of that comes from the fact that the norm is sexist.
    Oh I know for sure my H would not have changed his name to mine at the time we got married. He never even thought it was possible until I brought it up. And it was never a "real" conversation in terms of a possible outcome. Of course that dynamic is rooted in sexism and patriarchy, which I had to explain to him.

    Just before the wedding he apologized for pressuring me, saying he realized how sexist it was and how much shit people gave me about keeping my name (and recognizing that he didn't get ANY of that for keeping his). At that time, I again brought up him changing his name  as an option....but it was never really on the table. 

    However, before our son was born (3 years into marriage) he approached me about hyphenating - like all of us hyphenating. It was a step in the right direction and showed that he valued a family name....but again, not enough to change his. 

    So yea, are even woke husbands dipping their toes in sexism? Yes. Yes, they are. They've been raised with this expectation. To pretend they're not and that a couple "only chose his name because it sounds better/is easier to spell/means a lot to him" is ridiculous and that's where I roll my eyes at these discussions. 
    Not to mention that (in most of the US anyway), it's easier for the woman to change her name than it is for the man. Our marriage certificate was sufficient for me to change my  name, and the costs were somewhat minimal. However, that's not enough for a man and most of the time it's a complicated legal situation and I've heard of men having to hire a lawyer and spend a lot of money in court. 
    OMG this. Even the change I'm doing (maiden to middle), which I think is fairly common these days requires that I go to court, since in my state it's either keep your last name, hyphenate, or take his, no other options. UGH. 

    I'm half tempted to socially take his name with my maiden as middle but never actually make the legal change. Hmm... I've just heard it can make things harder when you have kids if your last name isn't the same as theirs. Anyone have experience to confirm or debunk that?
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    mod


    I'm not trying to defend him or my decisions, at the end of the day I don't think anyone is questioning whether I'm content. But as frustrating as it is when traditions rooted in sexist origins aren't challenged, it's equally frustrating when the assumption is made that should such tradition be assumed, and underpinning of sexism must be the reason why. 

    In other news, I met with an embroiderer last night who said fixing the bag shouldn't be a problem! I'll get it back Friday, so fingers crossed!
    I don't think anyone is saying that your FI is sexist; but the reason you can't separate the tradition from sexism is that the tradition is quite actually founded in a sexist structure. 

    I'm an ardent feminist. I work for a feminist organization. I teach feminism in classes. But I also chose to add my H's name to mine (I use Firstname Maidenname Lastname personally and professionally). And it is sexist. I had my reasons for choosing to do so, but I also had to acknowledge that by doing it I am upholding a sexist tradition, one that historically women didn't even have a say in. Maybe this is hypocritical, maybe I'm contributing to institutionalized sexism. It's something I had to come to terms with on my own. But I'm also not going to try and argue a woman taking her husband's name is anything but a tradition rooted in patriarchy. 
    I don't think most of us want to think that our husbands are a little bit sexist if, as @southernbelle0915 said, changing their name was never really on the table. At the very least, it's a male privilege they can't escape having.

    I actually asked DH last night if him changing to my name was ever on the table, and he said, "Probably not" and noted that since I didn't seem interested in it at the time, he didn't give it serious philosophical consideration. Maybe he would have been interested, but it definitely would have taken some soul searching, and I guarantee he would have gotten a lot of shit from both his brothers and his mom (which is not a reason not to do it). All of that comes from the fact that the norm is sexist.
    Oh I know for sure my H would not have changed his name to mine at the time we got married. He never even thought it was possible until I brought it up. And it was never a "real" conversation in terms of a possible outcome. Of course that dynamic is rooted in sexism and patriarchy, which I had to explain to him.

    Just before the wedding he apologized for pressuring me, saying he realized how sexist it was and how much shit people gave me about keeping my name (and recognizing that he didn't get ANY of that for keeping his). At that time, I again brought up him changing his name  as an option....but it was never really on the table. 

    However, before our son was born (3 years into marriage) he approached me about hyphenating - like all of us hyphenating. It was a step in the right direction and showed that he valued a family name....but again, not enough to change his. 

    So yea, are even woke husbands dipping their toes in sexism? Yes. Yes, they are. They've been raised with this expectation. To pretend they're not and that a couple "only chose his name because it sounds better/is easier to spell/means a lot to him" is ridiculous and that's where I roll my eyes at these discussions. 
    Not to mention that (in most of the US anyway), it's easier for the woman to change her name than it is for the man. Our marriage certificate was sufficient for me to change my  name, and the costs were somewhat minimal. However, that's not enough for a man and most of the time it's a complicated legal situation and I've heard of men having to hire a lawyer and spend a lot of money in court. 
    OMG this. Even the change I'm doing (maiden to middle), which I think is fairly common these days requires that I go to court, since in my state it's either keep your last name, hyphenate, or take his, no other options. UGH. 

    I'm half tempted to socially take his name with my maiden as middle but never actually make the legal change. Hmm... I've just heard it can make things harder when you have kids if your last name isn't the same as theirs. Anyone have experience to confirm or debunk that?


    Depends on what you mean by "harder".

    When my mom got remarried, she no longer shared a last name with us kids. She kept her previously married name as a middle name on her bank account so when she wrote checks to the school, it would have our last name somewhere on there.

    That was literally the only issue she had (that I know of) - that the school needed to know what kid to apply a check to for a field trip. IMO, not a good enough reason to change your name.

    These days, there's 1,000 reasons why parents/guardians have different last names than their kids and I don't see how anything is harder because of it.

    image
    charlotte989875STARMOON44InLoveInQueenseileenrob


  • I'm not trying to defend him or my decisions, at the end of the day I don't think anyone is questioning whether I'm content. But as frustrating as it is when traditions rooted in sexist origins aren't challenged, it's equally frustrating when the assumption is made that should such tradition be assumed, and underpinning of sexism must be the reason why. 

    In other news, I met with an embroiderer last night who said fixing the bag shouldn't be a problem! I'll get it back Friday, so fingers crossed!
    I don't think anyone is saying that your FI is sexist; but the reason you can't separate the tradition from sexism is that the tradition is quite actually founded in a sexist structure. 

    I'm an ardent feminist. I work for a feminist organization. I teach feminism in classes. But I also chose to add my H's name to mine (I use Firstname Maidenname Lastname personally and professionally). And it is sexist. I had my reasons for choosing to do so, but I also had to acknowledge that by doing it I am upholding a sexist tradition, one that historically women didn't even have a say in. Maybe this is hypocritical, maybe I'm contributing to institutionalized sexism. It's something I had to come to terms with on my own. But I'm also not going to try and argue a woman taking her husband's name is anything but a tradition rooted in patriarchy. 
    I don't think most of us want to think that our husbands are a little bit sexist if, as @southernbelle0915 said, changing their name was never really on the table. At the very least, it's a male privilege they can't escape having.

    I actually asked DH last night if him changing to my name was ever on the table, and he said, "Probably not" and noted that since I didn't seem interested in it at the time, he didn't give it serious philosophical consideration. Maybe he would have been interested, but it definitely would have taken some soul searching, and I guarantee he would have gotten a lot of shit from both his brothers and his mom (which is not a reason not to do it). All of that comes from the fact that the norm is sexist.
    Oh I know for sure my H would not have changed his name to mine at the time we got married. He never even thought it was possible until I brought it up. And it was never a "real" conversation in terms of a possible outcome. Of course that dynamic is rooted in sexism and patriarchy, which I had to explain to him.

    Just before the wedding he apologized for pressuring me, saying he realized how sexist it was and how much shit people gave me about keeping my name (and recognizing that he didn't get ANY of that for keeping his). At that time, I again brought up him changing his name  as an option....but it was never really on the table. 

    However, before our son was born (3 years into marriage) he approached me about hyphenating - like all of us hyphenating. It was a step in the right direction and showed that he valued a family name....but again, not enough to change his. 

    So yea, are even woke husbands dipping their toes in sexism? Yes. Yes, they are. They've been raised with this expectation. To pretend they're not and that a couple "only chose his name because it sounds better/is easier to spell/means a lot to him" is ridiculous and that's where I roll my eyes at these discussions. 
    Not to mention that (in most of the US anyway), it's easier for the woman to change her name than it is for the man. Our marriage certificate was sufficient for me to change my  name, and the costs were somewhat minimal. However, that's not enough for a man and most of the time it's a complicated legal situation and I've heard of men having to hire a lawyer and spend a lot of money in court. 
    OMG this. Even the change I'm doing (maiden to middle), which I think is fairly common these days requires that I go to court, since in my state it's either keep your last name, hyphenate, or take his, no other options. UGH. 

    I'm half tempted to socially take his name with my maiden as middle but never actually make the legal change. Hmm... I've just heard it can make things harder when you have kids if your last name isn't the same as theirs. Anyone have experience to confirm or debunk that?
    Wow, really? That sucks :( It's super common here (NC), so that was an option on the name change form for the SS office, and the double checked a few times that I was keeping my middle name. 
    charlotte989875
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member


    I'm not trying to defend him or my decisions, at the end of the day I don't think anyone is questioning whether I'm content. But as frustrating as it is when traditions rooted in sexist origins aren't challenged, it's equally frustrating when the assumption is made that should such tradition be assumed, and underpinning of sexism must be the reason why. 

    In other news, I met with an embroiderer last night who said fixing the bag shouldn't be a problem! I'll get it back Friday, so fingers crossed!
    I don't think anyone is saying that your FI is sexist; but the reason you can't separate the tradition from sexism is that the tradition is quite actually founded in a sexist structure. 

    I'm an ardent feminist. I work for a feminist organization. I teach feminism in classes. But I also chose to add my H's name to mine (I use Firstname Maidenname Lastname personally and professionally). And it is sexist. I had my reasons for choosing to do so, but I also had to acknowledge that by doing it I am upholding a sexist tradition, one that historically women didn't even have a say in. Maybe this is hypocritical, maybe I'm contributing to institutionalized sexism. It's something I had to come to terms with on my own. But I'm also not going to try and argue a woman taking her husband's name is anything but a tradition rooted in patriarchy. 
    I don't think most of us want to think that our husbands are a little bit sexist if, as @southernbelle0915 said, changing their name was never really on the table. At the very least, it's a male privilege they can't escape having.

    I actually asked DH last night if him changing to my name was ever on the table, and he said, "Probably not" and noted that since I didn't seem interested in it at the time, he didn't give it serious philosophical consideration. Maybe he would have been interested, but it definitely would have taken some soul searching, and I guarantee he would have gotten a lot of shit from both his brothers and his mom (which is not a reason not to do it). All of that comes from the fact that the norm is sexist.
    Oh I know for sure my H would not have changed his name to mine at the time we got married. He never even thought it was possible until I brought it up. And it was never a "real" conversation in terms of a possible outcome. Of course that dynamic is rooted in sexism and patriarchy, which I had to explain to him.

    Just before the wedding he apologized for pressuring me, saying he realized how sexist it was and how much shit people gave me about keeping my name (and recognizing that he didn't get ANY of that for keeping his). At that time, I again brought up him changing his name  as an option....but it was never really on the table. 

    However, before our son was born (3 years into marriage) he approached me about hyphenating - like all of us hyphenating. It was a step in the right direction and showed that he valued a family name....but again, not enough to change his. 

    So yea, are even woke husbands dipping their toes in sexism? Yes. Yes, they are. They've been raised with this expectation. To pretend they're not and that a couple "only chose his name because it sounds better/is easier to spell/means a lot to him" is ridiculous and that's where I roll my eyes at these discussions. 
    Not to mention that (in most of the US anyway), it's easier for the woman to change her name than it is for the man. Our marriage certificate was sufficient for me to change my  name, and the costs were somewhat minimal. However, that's not enough for a man and most of the time it's a complicated legal situation and I've heard of men having to hire a lawyer and spend a lot of money in court. 
    OMG this. Even the change I'm doing (maiden to middle), which I think is fairly common these days requires that I go to court, since in my state it's either keep your last name, hyphenate, or take his, no other options. UGH. 

    I'm half tempted to socially take his name with my maiden as middle but never actually make the legal change. Hmm... I've just heard it can make things harder when you have kids if your last name isn't the same as theirs. Anyone have experience to confirm or debunk that?
    Wow, really? That sucks :( It's super common here (NC), so that was an option on the name change form for the SS office, and the double checked a few times that I was keeping my middle name. 
    I'm originally from and was married in NC and was thinking the same thing. I legally kept my middle many years ago which was not the norm at the time. At that time most woman changed their middle names to their maiden names. I guess everything goes back and forth. On FB I have my maiden name listed so that people who didn't know my married name could find me. Because of that, DD thought my maiden name was my middle name. When she married she changed her middle to maiden name (Illinois) it was no big deal to do so.

    As a warning to those of you keeping maiden names professionally, married names socially: we had dinner last night with a former colleague of H's. She did that two name thing. She had some airline accounts (through business) with her professional name some with social name. I think her legal name was her husband's last name (not sure). Anyway, she said it did create some problems with TSA AT TIMES because the airline ticket didn't always agree with her ID. I think it is best just to chose one a stick with it. 

    As for children and parents having different last names - I worked in a school for a number of years. There are some many permutations of families last names really don't make a difference as long as we know who the parents are of each child.
    SoonToBeSmith0512
  • @ILoveBeachMusic I've heard the same thing.   What you do involving anything legal (going through an airport and TSA as one) should match what the government identifies you.  Then again, to apply for any kind of clearance (I'm looking at you Kushy Kushner) you need to list any nicknames too.   

    It's interesting with the heritage thing.   I grew up with an English last name and was always happy to talk about my Irish heritage.   

    I agree that taking a husband's last name is rooted in sexist traditions.   I did change my name to DH's when we were married but agree that it was my choice to do it.  


  • banana468 said:
    @ILoveBeachMusic I've heard the same thing.   What you do involving anything legal (going through an airport and TSA as one) should match what the government identifies you.  Then again, to apply for any kind of clearance (I'm looking at you Kushy Kushner) you need to list any nicknames too.   

    It's interesting with the heritage thing.   I grew up with an English last name and was always happy to talk about my Irish heritage.   

    I agree that taking a husband's last name is rooted in sexist traditions.   I did change my name to DH's when we were married but agree that it was my choice to do it.  


    I always thought when people went by one name socially and one name at work, they kept their maiden name on all legal documents and just informally went by their married name. That way work and the government would have the same name and you wouldn't have to file any paperwork, but if a friend called your Mrs. MarriedName it was cool too.
    STARMOON44InLoveInQueensSoonToBeSmith0512
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    banana468 said:
    @ILoveBeachMusic I've heard the same thing.   What you do involving anything legal (going through an airport and TSA as one) should match what the government identifies you.  Then again, to apply for any kind of clearance (I'm looking at you Kushy Kushner) you need to list any nicknames too.   

    It's interesting with the heritage thing.   I grew up with an English last name and was always happy to talk about my Irish heritage.   

    I agree that taking a husband's last name is rooted in sexist traditions.   I did change my name to DH's when we were married but agree that it was my choice to do it.  


    I always thought when people went by one name socially and one name at work, they kept their maiden name on all legal documents and just informally went by their married name. That way work and the government would have the same name and you wouldn't have to file any paperwork, but if a friend called your Mrs. MarriedName it was cool too.
    Not necessarily. If I remember my H's friends example, she went by Dr. Smith professionally. Socially she was Mrs. Jones but some of her airline accounts were Mrs. Smith Jones others were Dr. Smith others were Mrs. Jones. Since tickets are issued by how your accounts are registered it wouldn't line up with a legal ID every time. I don't know why the accounts were in so many different name permutations. Part of this may have to do with the fact that she married 35 years ago and keeping a maiden name was less common then.
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    The crux of the issue is, if a tote bag is going to make you this bloody upset, to the point where you would pay actual money to get it fixed, are you REALLY happy with this decision? Because it 100% sounds like you are being pressured into it by family obligations/societal norms. 

    A name is the most personal thing you can own. Once you are an adult, it is your choice. 

    I am Dr Jones (maiden name) at work and on all legal documents/social media. Our friends use a mixture of Jones/ Mrs Smith- I don’t really care. 

    Why not keep your name for now, and decide to change it or not 6 months after the wedding. 
    charlotte989875southernbelle0915eileenrob
  • FWIW, I was able to get the bag fixed for only $20, and they did an absolutely beautiful job with it. Honestly, I think it looks even better than before! Thanks all for the interesting dialogue. Definitely got me thinking about things in a new light!
    InLoveInQueenskorinda76sparklepants41
  • banana468 said:
    @ILoveBeachMusic I've heard the same thing.   What you do involving anything legal (going through an airport and TSA as one) should match what the government identifies you.  Then again, to apply for any kind of clearance (I'm looking at you Kushy Kushner) you need to list any nicknames too.   

    It's interesting with the heritage thing.   I grew up with an English last name and was always happy to talk about my Irish heritage.   

    I agree that taking a husband's last name is rooted in sexist traditions.   I did change my name to DH's when we were married but agree that it was my choice to do it.  


    I always thought when people went by one name socially and one name at work, they kept their maiden name on all legal documents and just informally went by their married name. That way work and the government would have the same name and you wouldn't have to file any paperwork, but if a friend called your Mrs. MarriedName it was cool too.
    Not necessarily. If I remember my H's friends example, she went by Dr. Smith professionally. Socially she was Mrs. Jones but some of her airline accounts were Mrs. Smith Jones others were Dr. Smith others were Mrs. Jones. Since tickets are issued by how your accounts are registered it wouldn't line up with a legal ID every time. I don't know why the accounts were in so many different name permutations. Part of this may have to do with the fact that she married 35 years ago and keeping a maiden name was less common then.
    It's actually not that complicated; I use my maiden name professionally and my married name personally, but officially my name is Firstname Maidenname Married Name. Whenever I book my tickets I book them using my legal name, but my business cards, office door, etc. are all my maiden name. I've never run into problems. 
  • banana468 said:
    @ILoveBeachMusic I've heard the same thing.   What you do involving anything legal (going through an airport and TSA as one) should match what the government identifies you.  Then again, to apply for any kind of clearance (I'm looking at you Kushy Kushner) you need to list any nicknames too.   

    It's interesting with the heritage thing.   I grew up with an English last name and was always happy to talk about my Irish heritage.   

    I agree that taking a husband's last name is rooted in sexist traditions.   I did change my name to DH's when we were married but agree that it was my choice to do it.  


    I always thought when people went by one name socially and one name at work, they kept their maiden name on all legal documents and just informally went by their married name. That way work and the government would have the same name and you wouldn't have to file any paperwork, but if a friend called your Mrs. MarriedName it was cool too.
    Not necessarily. If I remember my H's friends example, she went by Dr. Smith professionally. Socially she was Mrs. Jones but some of her airline accounts were Mrs. Smith Jones others were Dr. Smith others were Mrs. Jones. Since tickets are issued by how your accounts are registered it wouldn't line up with a legal ID every time. I don't know why the accounts were in so many different name permutations. Part of this may have to do with the fact that she married 35 years ago and keeping a maiden name was less common then.
    It's actually not that complicated; I use my maiden name professionally and my married name personally, but officially my name is Firstname Maidenname Married Name. Whenever I book my tickets I book them using my legal name, but my business cards, office door, etc. are all my maiden name. I've never run into problems. 






    And this depends so much on what your profession is too. Many of my lawyer friends have tried to do this and been disappointed to learn that they are required to practice under their legal names. Worth looking into depending on your field. 
    ILoveBeachMusiccharlotte989875
  • banana468 said:
    @ILoveBeachMusic I've heard the same thing.   What you do involving anything legal (going through an airport and TSA as one) should match what the government identifies you.  Then again, to apply for any kind of clearance (I'm looking at you Kushy Kushner) you need to list any nicknames too.   

    It's interesting with the heritage thing.   I grew up with an English last name and was always happy to talk about my Irish heritage.   

    I agree that taking a husband's last name is rooted in sexist traditions.   I did change my name to DH's when we were married but agree that it was my choice to do it.  


    I always thought when people went by one name socially and one name at work, they kept their maiden name on all legal documents and just informally went by their married name. That way work and the government would have the same name and you wouldn't have to file any paperwork, but if a friend called your Mrs. MarriedName it was cool too.
    Not necessarily. If I remember my H's friends example, she went by Dr. Smith professionally. Socially she was Mrs. Jones but some of her airline accounts were Mrs. Smith Jones others were Dr. Smith others were Mrs. Jones. Since tickets are issued by how your accounts are registered it wouldn't line up with a legal ID every time. I don't know why the accounts were in so many different name permutations. Part of this may have to do with the fact that she married 35 years ago and keeping a maiden name was less common then.
    It's actually not that complicated; I use my maiden name professionally and my married name personally, but officially my name is Firstname Maidenname Married Name. Whenever I book my tickets I book them using my legal name, but my business cards, office door, etc. are all my maiden name. I've never run into problems. 






    And this depends so much on what your profession is too. Many of my lawyer friends have tried to do this and been disappointed to learn that they are required to practice under their legal names. Worth looking into depending on your field. 
    That's definitely a good point; like @LondonLisa I'm Dr. MaidenName at work, but since I'm not an MD I don't have to worry about licensing or requirements like in the legal field, but that's definitely something to consider. 
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