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You protected a child

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My best friend Kit recently started to date Larry, a man with a history of domestic violence. I lived near him when he put his then-girlfriend in the hospital. I told Kit about this, but she said that he’s changed and deserves a second chance. After I saw Larry yell at Kit’s 8-year-old son, I told the boy’s father about the situation. Kit and her ex have had custodial disputes since they broke up, and now her ex has taken her back to court.

I’ve admitted that I was the one who told her ex, and now everyone is furious with me. Our friends agree Kit made a bad choice in boyfriends, but they say that if she loses her son she’s less likely to leave Larry. At the time I thought it was the best decision, but now I wonder if I jumped the gun? I don’t think Larry has ever hurt Kit’s son, but I didn’t want to wait until he did. This is a man who beat his ex with a chair. If he did lose his temper with a little boy, he might have killed him. On the other hand, did I make Kit more likely to be a victim?

—Did I Overstep?

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Re: You protected a child

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    banana468banana468 member
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    What does "he's changed" mean?   Has he gone through any kind of therapeutic program?  When did the incident occur and how long has it been?  Has he had other issues since the beating with a chair?  


    I'd really want to know more of the LW's story before telling the dad here.   Did Larry yell because the kid poured water in his lap?   Was he not doing anything that you wouldn't expect from a kid?   Context is really import including what precipitated the yelling and then the tone of the yell.

    It's possible that the LW over stepped - but I can understand why s/he did. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    banana468 said:
    What does "he's changed" mean?   Has he gone through any kind of therapeutic program?  When did the incident occur and how long has it been?  Has he had other issues since the beating with a chair?  


    I'd really want to know more of the LW's story before telling the dad here.   Did Larry yell because the kid poured water in his lap?   Was he not doing anything that you wouldn't expect from a kid?   Context is really import including what precipitated the yelling and then the tone of the yell.

    It's possible that the LW over stepped - but I can understand why s/he did. 
    An excellent point
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    banana468 said:
    What does "he's changed" mean?   Has he gone through any kind of therapeutic program?  When did the incident occur and how long has it been?  Has he had other issues since the beating with a chair?  


    I'd really want to know more of the LW's story before telling the dad here.   Did Larry yell because the kid poured water in his lap?   Was he not doing anything that you wouldn't expect from a kid?   Context is really import including what precipitated the yelling and then the tone of the yell.

    It's possible that the LW over stepped - but I can understand why s/he did. 

    I was also bothered by not having more context.  I could maybe see the LW's friend giving the guy a second chance if he's gone through an anger management program and gone through extensive therapy.

    But, let me guess what the more likely scenario is.  He's "changed" because he said he did.  Because he saw the "error of his ways".  Because (to his new g/f) "You're nothing like that raving bitch my ex was.  I would NEVER do something like that to you."

    It's possible the LW over-reacted.  But I'd sure rather "err" on the side of a child, when there is any uncertainty.

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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    "Everyone is furious with me."

    These are some fucked up friends who think the presence of a child in a domestic abuse situation is going to protect the mother. What the hell is wrong with these people? LW got an 8 year old child out of harm's way and SHE'S the bad guy? FFS.
    It is fucked up.  These people are not friends to LW OR Kit. 

    LW needs to find new friends.  She can't save Kit and she's done what she can for Kit's son.  
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    "Everyone is furious with me."

    These are some fucked up friends who think the presence of a child in a domestic abuse situation is going to protect the mother. What the hell is wrong with these people? LW got an 8 year old child out of harm's way and SHE'S the bad guy? FFS.
    Everyone needs a villain. It shouldn't be LW, but it may be just "oh you stepped in - why did you?"
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    banana468banana468 member
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    short+sassy said:
    banana468 said:
    What does "he's changed" mean?   Has he gone through any kind of therapeutic program?  When did the incident occur and how long has it been?  Has he had other issues since the beating with a chair?  


    I'd really want to know more of the LW's story before telling the dad here.   Did Larry yell because the kid poured water in his lap?   Was he not doing anything that you wouldn't expect from a kid?   Context is really import including what precipitated the yelling and then the tone of the yell.

    It's possible that the LW over stepped - but I can understand why s/he did. 

    I was also bothered by not having more context.  I could maybe see the LW's friend giving the guy a second chance if he's gone through an anger management program and gone through extensive therapy.

    But, let me guess what the more likely scenario is.  He's "changed" because he said he did.  Because he saw the "error of his ways".  Because (to his new g/f) "You're nothing like that raving bitch my ex was.  I would NEVER do something like that to you."

    It's possible the LW over-reacted.  But I'd sure rather "err" on the side of a child, when there is any uncertainty.

    Yeah that's kind of my point.

    The LW just left out a lot of details and I have a feeling that you filled in the correct ones but it's something that irks me when I read these letters.


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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    "Everyone is furious with me."

    These are some fucked up friends who think the presence of a child in a domestic abuse situation is going to protect the mother. What the hell is wrong with these people? LW got an 8 year old child out of harm's way and SHE'S the bad guy? FFS.
    Everyone needs a villain. It shouldn't be LW, but it may be just "oh you stepped in - why did you?"
    The obvious villain is Larry. If these friends can't see that and are mad because someone tried to protect an innocent child from a man who beat his ex with a chair and sent her to the hospital, they're enablers and terrible people.

    Y'all can probably tell I have zero tolerance for domestic abuse. 
    *********************************************************************************

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    banana468banana468 member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    "Everyone is furious with me."

    These are some fucked up friends who think the presence of a child in a domestic abuse situation is going to protect the mother. What the hell is wrong with these people? LW got an 8 year old child out of harm's way and SHE'S the bad guy? FFS.
    Everyone needs a villain. It shouldn't be LW, but it may be just "oh you stepped in - why did you?"
    The obvious villain is Larry. If these friends can't see that and are mad because someone tried to protect an innocent child from a man who beat his ex with a chair and sent her to the hospital, they're enablers and terrible people.

    Y'all can probably tell I have zero tolerance for domestic abuse. 
    Yeah they're killing the messenger here. 

    I also wonder how old these people are.  
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    banana468 said:
    short+sassy said:
    banana468 said:
    What does "he's changed" mean?   Has he gone through any kind of therapeutic program?  When did the incident occur and how long has it been?  Has he had other issues since the beating with a chair?  


    I'd really want to know more of the LW's story before telling the dad here.   Did Larry yell because the kid poured water in his lap?   Was he not doing anything that you wouldn't expect from a kid?   Context is really import including what precipitated the yelling and then the tone of the yell.

    It's possible that the LW over stepped - but I can understand why s/he did. 

    I was also bothered by not having more context.  I could maybe see the LW's friend giving the guy a second chance if he's gone through an anger management program and gone through extensive therapy.

    But, let me guess what the more likely scenario is.  He's "changed" because he said he did.  Because he saw the "error of his ways".  Because (to his new g/f) "You're nothing like that raving bitch my ex was.  I would NEVER do something like that to you."

    It's possible the LW over-reacted.  But I'd sure rather "err" on the side of a child, when there is any uncertainty.

    Yeah that's kind of my point.

    The LW just left out a lot of details and I have a feeling that you filled in the correct ones but it's something that irks me when I read these letters.


    It does make one wonder if they are edited for length/clarity? But there are some long ones, so probably not.  Maybe LW thought including the tidbit about Larry's chair attack on the ex-gf was them trying to illustrate their point quickly. 

    I also wonder how long Larry has been around the kid/dating Kit?  That would also color my opinion.  Because if it's only been a month or two, I'd give a lot more side-eye to a friend's SO yelling at their kid.  That's still in the, "Let the parent handle it" phase, IMO.  If it's been a year+ and especially if the couple lives together and SO has a hand in raising the child, then it's a lot more understandable. 

    Either way, in this situation...LW has a bias against Larry.  And it's not a bad one to have, because he sounds like an abusive fuck.  But it definitely lends itself to the issue(s) at hand.  However, I still don't think LW is wrong for speaking up.  They just have to realize that may have to make decisions about the people in their life if they don't want to be continuously shit upon for what they did.  
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    banana468 said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    "Everyone is furious with me."

    These are some fucked up friends who think the presence of a child in a domestic abuse situation is going to protect the mother. What the hell is wrong with these people? LW got an 8 year old child out of harm's way and SHE'S the bad guy? FFS.
    Everyone needs a villain. It shouldn't be LW, but it may be just "oh you stepped in - why did you?"
    The obvious villain is Larry. If these friends can't see that and are mad because someone tried to protect an innocent child from a man who beat his ex with a chair and sent her to the hospital, they're enablers and terrible people.

    Y'all can probably tell I have zero tolerance for domestic abuse. 
    Yeah they're killing the messenger here. 

    I also wonder how old these people are.  
    They could be young.  However, they could all just be a bunch of really passive, 'don't rock the boat and upset the group balance' kind of people.  I've seen it happen and the people who are direct are phased out. 
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    "Everyone is furious with me."

    These are some fucked up friends who think the presence of a child in a domestic abuse situation is going to protect the mother. What the hell is wrong with these people? LW got an 8 year old child out of harm's way and SHE'S the bad guy? FFS.
    Everyone needs a villain. It shouldn't be LW, but it may be just "oh you stepped in - why did you?"
    The obvious villain is Larry. If these friends can't see that and are mad because someone tried to protect an innocent child from a man who beat his ex with a chair and sent her to the hospital, they're enablers and terrible people.

    Y'all can probably tell I have zero tolerance for domestic abuse. 
    Oh I agree, "but he's reformed" "not the same person" etc and friends may be falling into that .... orrrr .... just feel they "shouldn't get involved" :\
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I also meant to throw in that the LW seems to feel some guilt that, if her friend has less custody of the son, the friend will be even more likely to stay with Abusive Larry.

    LW, no!  You have given your friend fair warning, even from the get-go.  You're not responsible for the choices your friend makes...and continues to make by staying with the guy...and you're certainly not responsible for the violent behavior of someone else.

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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    short+sassy said:
    banana468 said:
    What does "he's changed" mean?   Has he gone through any kind of therapeutic program?  When did the incident occur and how long has it been?  Has he had other issues since the beating with a chair?  


    I'd really want to know more of the LW's story before telling the dad here.   Did Larry yell because the kid poured water in his lap?   Was he not doing anything that you wouldn't expect from a kid?   Context is really import including what precipitated the yelling and then the tone of the yell.

    It's possible that the LW over stepped - but I can understand why s/he did. 

    I was also bothered by not having more context.  I could maybe see the LW's friend giving the guy a second chance if he's gone through an anger management program and gone through extensive therapy.

    But, let me guess what the more likely scenario is.  He's "changed" because he said he did.  Because he saw the "error of his ways".  Because (to his new g/f) "You're nothing like that raving bitch my ex was.  I would NEVER do something like that to you."

    It's possible the LW over-reacted.  But I'd sure rather "err" on the side of a child, when there is any uncertainty.

    But who cares if she did? She's not ripping the kid away from Kit. She's just letting the other parent know what's going on. If Larry is really changed and there's no danger to the kid, the custody court isn't going to make a change. 

    It's sort of similar to the wandering kids last week. Maybe it's all fine, but there's no harm in speaking up when something seems off. 


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