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Maid of Honor Help

I have a group of 4 best friends that I want to include in my bridal party, plus two cousins and my niece as a junior bridesmaid, but I'm having an issue on the MOH front. Honestly, I don't need or want one. I have my bachelorette party planned, I don't want any showers, and our venue comes with a bridal coordinator who handles everything the day of. I also do not feel like I should choose between one girl who has been my friend since I was in thirdgrade, two girls who have been my friends for almost 15 years and we used to be inseparable, and my newest friend who I met in law school and has become my closest friend.
Issue is- one of my four bfs has always said we are going to be each other's MOH. But at this point in life we really aren't that close. Today she mentioned me being her MOH in her wedding and I told her that I would understand if she went with someone else (another of the four bfs that she's actually super close with now- the one I have been friends with since third grade) and she lost it on me and got all upset. She's also slightly a princess in that she likes to make things all about her, so I don't know that I want her feeling she's in charge of anything on my day. Example: today she was talking about her future bach party (she's expecting a proposal soon and a wedding next year) and when I told her that was really soon after my wedding and European honeymoon (which we're putting off for a couple months after the wedding already to save money) and that I may not have the money or time off to go on a cruise for hers, she suggested that I put Europe off for a while so that I have the time and money to go on a cruise for her.
I know all of this sounds incredibly juvenile and I hate it, but it's the situation I'm in. What I honestly really want is to just have my girls be bridesmaids and ask my niece to be my Maiden of Honor just to give her a special place in the wedding because she's 9 and obviously can't come on the bach party and I want her to feel special and included.
So- my question is, do I ask her to be my MOH just to save the drama and also ask my niece to be my maiden of honor? Or do I do what I want and just have my maiden of honor and all of my girls be bridesmaids, even though she will definitely have her feelings hurt?
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Re: Maid of Honor Help

  • I know it's not traditional to plan your own bachelorette party, but I actually LOVE organizing and planning trips so half of the fun for me was planning it, which is why I did.
  • MRDCleMRDCle member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I know it's not traditional to plan your own bachelorette party, but I actually LOVE organizing and planning trips so half of the fun for me was planning it, which is why I did.
    It's not about being traditional, it's about throwing yourself a party that other people will feel pressured to go to and possibly help pay for. That's what's tacky. You can't throw a party in honor of yourself. If people want to do this for you and with you, they can plan it. If they don't, it doesn't happen.

    Don't have a MOH. I'm sure your cousin niece will feel special enough if she knows she's special to you. Take her out for something just the two of you.
    WSS^ especially when your party is apparently a trip.  Did you talk budget with anyone before this?
    ahoywedding
  • I know it's not traditional to plan your own bachelorette party, but I actually LOVE organizing and planning trips so half of the fun for me was planning it, which is why I did.
    It's not about being traditional, it's about throwing yourself a party that other people will feel pressured to go to and possibly help pay for. That's what's tacky. You can't throw a party in honor of yourself. If people want to do this for you and with you, they can plan it. If they don't, it doesn't happen.

    Don't have a MOH. I'm sure your cousin niece will feel special enough if she knows she's special to you. Take her out for something just the two of you.
    MRDCle said:
    I know it's not traditional to plan your own bachelorette party, but I actually LOVE organizing and planning trips so half of the fun for me was planning it, which is why I did.
    It's not about being traditional, it's about throwing yourself a party that other people will feel pressured to go to and possibly help pay for. That's what's tacky. You can't throw a party in honor of yourself. If people want to do this for you and with you, they can plan it. If they don't, it doesn't happen.

    Don't have a MOH. I'm sure your cousin niece will feel special enough if she knows she's special to you. Take her out for something just the two of you.
    WSS^ especially when your party is apparently a trip.  Did you talk budget with anyone before this?
    The trip was suggested by my friends. I am paying for most of it and we all discussed the price they would need to pay before it was booked (which is less than I have paid on some not trip bachelorette parties I have gone on). They also all know that it is 100% optional and I would absolutely NEVER expect anyone to spend money on me - which is the reason I'm not having showers. A part of the reason I planned it was because I did not want anyone burdened with it because I have listened to girls in other weddings complain about having to plan a party/ trip.

    I am also aware that it may seem rude that I told her I may not be able to go on a trip for hers after she is agreeing to go on a trip for mine. Her and her boyfriend have been dating less than a year and, while I am very happy for her and glad that she has found someone to spend her life with, I never expected her wedding to be potentially so soon after mine when we decided to go on a trip for my bachelorette party. If I had I would have done something different.
  • Wow, I had no idea how judgmental people on this site are. I definitely won’t bother posting again. I asked a question and y’all have managed to take one small portion of my story and make an issue of it. No one actually involved has an issue with the situation and it’s not a completely foreign concept. But thanks so much for your opinions and help! Have a great day!
  • I know it's not traditional to plan your own bachelorette party, but I actually LOVE organizing and planning trips so half of the fun for me was planning it, which is why I did.
    It's not that it's not traditional, it's downright tacky to plan a party in your own honour. 

    You don't need to have an MOH. I'm not having one. You seem to have a rather large WP, you do realize that you will have to purchase individual gifts for everyone in your party as thank yous? 
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensahoyweddingMyNameIsNot
  • edited March 15
    It’s not tacky. I planned a fun trip for my friends and I that was their idea and I mostly paid for, as I explained above. This post isn’t about my bachelorette party. And I’m aware of the requirement to buy gifts. Thank you for your concern. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow, I had no idea how judgmental people on this site are. I definitely won’t bother posting again. I asked a question and y’all have managed to take one small portion of my story and make an issue of it. No one actually involved has an issue with the situation and it’s not a completely foreign concept. But thanks so much for your opinions and help! Have a great day!
    Your question was easy. We answered it, and then tried to help you sort out the other thing we noticed in your 5 paragraph essay of background info.

    As bachelorette trips go, you seem like a considerate and reasonable bride. I see where you think you're helping your friends. But while it's not a "foreign concept," endless bachelorette trips themselves are what are obnoxious to people. If your group doesn't travel together outside of bachelorettes, then you all are putting the pressure on yourselves because you think destination parties are "the way it must be" - and that's when you get into the realm of planning your own party, or others planning parties they don't actually want to deal with.

    Bachelorettes can be great when they're low-key. Trips with your friends can be great even when no one's getting married.

    You are paying for a trip for your friends. That's really nice. Are you only doing it because you're getting married, and you want a trip to celebrate you? Or would you plan and pay for a trip for you and your friends just whenever? The difference is key.

    Anniversary

    TrixieJessShesSoColdInLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • It’s not tacky. I planned a fun trip for my friends and I that was their idea and I mostly paid for, as I explained above. This post isn’t about my bachelorette party. And I’m aware of the requirement to buy gifts. Thank you for your concern. 
    Dude, this isn't just a trip, it's a party in your honour. Also, if you're replying to someone, please use the quote button. 

    You don't plan any party but your wedding. A bachelorette and shower aren't givens unless someone offers to throw them. It's incredibly crass to throw a party in one's honour and expect other people to "chip in". 
    ShesSoColdInLoveInQueensahoyweddingMyNameIsNot
  • Wow, I had no idea how judgmental people on this site are. I definitely won’t bother posting again. I asked a question and y’all have managed to take one small portion of my story and make an issue of it. No one actually involved has an issue with the situation and it’s not a completely foreign concept. But thanks so much for your opinions and help! Have a great day!
    Your question was easy. We answered it, and then tried to help you sort out the other thing we noticed in your 5 paragraph essay of background info.

    As bachelorette trips go, you seem like a considerate and reasonable bride. I see where you think you're helping your friends. But while it's not a "foreign concept," endless bachelorette trips themselves are what are obnoxious to people. If your group doesn't travel together outside of bachelorettes, then you all are putting the pressure on yourselves because you think destination parties are "the way it must be" - and that's when you get into the realm of planning your own party, or others planning parties they don't actually want to deal with.

    Bachelorettes can be great when they're low-key. Trips with your friends can be great even when no one's getting married.

    You are paying for a trip for your friends. That's really nice. Are you only doing it because you're getting married, and you want a trip to celebrate you? Or would you plan and pay for a trip for you and your friends just whenever? The difference is key.
    It’s not tacky. I planned a fun trip for my friends and I that was their idea and I mostly paid for, as I explained above. This post isn’t about my bachelorette party. And I’m aware of the requirement to buy gifts. Thank you for your concern. 
    Dude, this isn't just a trip, it's a party in your honour. Also, if you're replying to someone, please use the quote button. 

    You don't plan any party but your wedding. A bachelorette and shower aren't givens unless someone offers to throw them. It's incredibly crass to throw a party in one's honour and expect other people to "chip in". 
    It’s not tacky. I planned a fun trip for my friends and I that was their idea and I mostly paid for, as I explained above. This post isn’t about my bachelorette party. And I’m aware of the requirement to buy gifts. Thank you for your concern. 


    We're going to comment on whatever you post, whether it is regarding your question or not. If you didn't want us to point out how tacky it is to throw your own bachelorette is, you shouldn't have told us you did.

    Whether you're willing to admit it or not, throwing a party to honor and celebrate yourself, is tacky. Period. YOU may not be personally offended by it, but etiquette says it's tacky.

    I also thoroughly enjoy planning events and trips. My enjoyment of something doesn't give me an excuse to do something tacky and pretend it's not.

    I also enjoy receiving monetary gifts. This doesn't give me a pass to tell everyone I know to give me gifts of cash.

    I think you guys all missed where I said it was their idea and they all agreed to the price before booking. I just did the research and booking. We also do all travel together sometimes, including a trip to Europe a couple years ago. But thanks for all of your input. It is what it is at this point. 
  • Wow, I had no idea how judgmental people on this site are. I definitely won’t bother posting again. I asked a question and y’all have managed to take one small portion of my story and make an issue of it. No one actually involved has an issue with the situation and it’s not a completely foreign concept. But thanks so much for your opinions and help! Have a great day!
    Your question was easy. We answered it, and then tried to help you sort out the other thing we noticed in your 5 paragraph essay of background info.

    As bachelorette trips go, you seem like a considerate and reasonable bride. I see where you think you're helping your friends. But while it's not a "foreign concept," endless bachelorette trips themselves are what are obnoxious to people. If your group doesn't travel together outside of bachelorettes, then you all are putting the pressure on yourselves because you think destination parties are "the way it must be" - and that's when you get into the realm of planning your own party, or others planning parties they don't actually want to deal with.

    Bachelorettes can be great when they're low-key. Trips with your friends can be great even when no one's getting married.

    You are paying for a trip for your friends. That's really nice. Are you only doing it because you're getting married, and you want a trip to celebrate you? Or would you plan and pay for a trip for you and your friends just whenever? The difference is key.
    In addition to my other reply, I never celebrate me. Ever. Which is why I’m not having any showers- I don’t want people spending extra money on me. I didn’t even want a big wedding, but my fiancé does. I can promise this trip will be about me, my friends,and mom having a good time together, not about me. And I am doing a lot for them during the trip.
  • Couple things - if you want to help make suggestions, or offer your BMs for bachelorette, that is different than hosting your own party.

    As for the choosing of the MOH .... you don't have to choose one if you don't want to.
    You do need a witness to sign your marriage certificate. You don't need to decide until that day, but you could mention to your BMs that you're opting not to have a MOH but need to figure out a witness to sign and that you're unsure and it will probably be a last minute choice.
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    4) Your friend is Grade A ridiculous for thinking you're going to put off your honeymoon to go on a cruise for her bachelorette party when she's not even engaged. I highly recommend limiting with wedding talk with her, turning down the MOH position (you're just too busy, right?) because she sounds like a brewing bridezilla.
    Absolutely this. Destination bachelorettes seem to be common in your circle of friends (which doesn't make them great ideas, or something a person should plan for themselves), but she seems absurdly entitled and I would not be dealing with whatever else she feels entitled to when she does get engaged.

    Cruises with your friends are something you do when everyone loves cruises and really wants to spend their money on them, and when they aren't already spending their money traveling with their SOs.

    Anniversary

    ahoyweddingPrettyGirlLost
  • I'm going to leave the bachelorette party issue alone because others have commented on it.

    But a few things about your Bridal Party situation:

    1) You do not need to have an MOH at all...everyone can be a bridesmaid
    2) Even if you do have an MOH, they have no responsibilities other than to be your guest of honor (you mentioned throwing showers, coordinating things for you and such)
    3) Promises made in childhood aren't real promises. I promised my MOH spot to Brooke, my hand in marriage to Andrew and naming my first born child after my friend Emily...None of that has become reality. Things change, circumstances change, people change. And that's ok. 
    4) Your friend is Grade A ridiculous for thinking you're going to put off your honeymoon to go on a cruise for her bachelorette party when she's not even engaged. I highly recommend limiting with wedding talk with her, turning down the MOH position (you're just too busy, right?) because she sounds like a brewing bridezilla.
    I agree, I don't expect anything out of them other than to pick their dress and be there if they can. I have just read that those are the expected "responsibilities" of a maid of honor. I think what is normal where I am from is different from others on this site for sure. Thanks for all your feedback! 

  • 4) Your friend is Grade A ridiculous for thinking you're going to put off your honeymoon to go on a cruise for her bachelorette party when she's not even engaged. I highly recommend limiting with wedding talk with her, turning down the MOH position (you're just too busy, right?) because she sounds like a brewing bridezilla.
    Absolutely this. Destination bachelorettes seem to be common in your circle of friends (which doesn't make them great ideas, or something a person should plan for themselves), but she seems absurdly entitled and I would not be dealing with whatever else she feels entitled to when she does get engaged.

    Cruises with your friends are something you do when everyone loves cruises and really wants to spend their money on them, and when they aren't already spending their money traveling with their SOs.
    Destination bachelor and bachelorette trips are pretty much the norm where I live, honestly. No one really just goes out for a night, they at least go spend a weekend in another city. And yes, I agree with all you said, but that's all her decision.
  • Couple things - if you want to help make suggestions, or offer your BMs for bachelorette, that is different than hosting your own party.

    As for the choosing of the MOH .... you don't have to choose one if you don't want to.
    You do need a witness to sign your marriage certificate. You don't need to decide until that day, but you could mention to your BMs that you're opting not to have a MOH but need to figure out a witness to sign and that you're unsure and it will probably be a last minute choice.
    I may tell her she can be the witness. I didn't think of that. Thanks for your feedback!
  • MRDCleMRDCle member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Couple things - if you want to help make suggestions, or offer your BMs for bachelorette, that is different than hosting your own party.

    As for the choosing of the MOH .... you don't have to choose one if you don't want to.
    You do need a witness to sign your marriage certificate. You don't need to decide until that day, but you could mention to your BMs that you're opting not to have a MOH but need to figure out a witness to sign and that you're unsure and it will probably be a last minute choice.
    I may tell her she can be the witness. I didn't think of that. Thanks for your feedback!
    Just check with your state - like @shessocold said, it's not universal.  Only our officiant had to sign ours. 
    knottieb147f005a79e566d
  • MRDCle said:
    Couple things - if you want to help make suggestions, or offer your BMs for bachelorette, that is different than hosting your own party.

    As for the choosing of the MOH .... you don't have to choose one if you don't want to.
    You do need a witness to sign your marriage certificate. You don't need to decide until that day, but you could mention to your BMs that you're opting not to have a MOH but need to figure out a witness to sign and that you're unsure and it will probably be a last minute choice.
    I may tell her she can be the witness. I didn't think of that. Thanks for your feedback!
    Just check with your state - like @shessocold said, it's not universal.  Only our officiant had to sign ours. 
    We had our moms sign as witnesses at the suggestion of the officiant and they were both happy we asked them. That eliminates the need to choose between friends if you don't want to.

    PPs covered the rest (re: bachelorette) and I agree with them.
    knottieb147f005a79e566d
  • Couple things - if you want to help make suggestions, or offer your BMs for bachelorette, that is different than hosting your own party.

    As for the choosing of the MOH .... you don't have to choose one if you don't want to.
    You do need a witness to sign your marriage certificate. You don't need to decide until that day, but you could mention to your BMs that you're opting not to have a MOH but need to figure out a witness to sign and that you're unsure and it will probably be a last minute choice.


    Actually, not necessarily. I didn't need a witness in IL.

    OP, you can keep telling us how selfless and wonderful you are but that doesn't take away from the fact that you planned your own bachelorette. And that's tacky.

    Really? Lucky! We do - same deal across Canada - and it can't be a parent. That's basic MOH & BM 'job'  - signing
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
  • I’d stick with the all BM/noMOH plan.  That one friend sounds a little nuts.
    knottieb147f005a79e566dshort+sassy
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Couple things - if you want to help make suggestions, or offer your BMs for bachelorette, that is different than hosting your own party.

    As for the choosing of the MOH .... you don't have to choose one if you don't want to.
    You do need a witness to sign your marriage certificate. You don't need to decide until that day, but you could mention to your BMs that you're opting not to have a MOH but need to figure out a witness to sign and that you're unsure and it will probably be a last minute choice.


    Actually, not necessarily. I didn't need a witness in IL.

    OP, you can keep telling us how selfless and wonderful you are but that doesn't take away from the fact that you planned your own bachelorette. And that's tacky.

    Really? Lucky! We do - same deal across Canada - and it can't be a parent. That's basic MOH & BM 'job'  - signing
    It varies from state to state in the US. In North Carolina and Indiana you do need witnesses. I don't know about other states (except Illinois as already stated). It is also a photo op. We have a picture of our BM and MOH signing our certificate.
  • Couple things - if you want to help make suggestions, or offer your BMs for bachelorette, that is different than hosting your own party.

    As for the choosing of the MOH .... you don't have to choose one if you don't want to.
    You do need a witness to sign your marriage certificate. You don't need to decide until that day, but you could mention to your BMs that you're opting not to have a MOH but need to figure out a witness to sign and that you're unsure and it will probably be a last minute choice.


    Actually, not necessarily. I didn't need a witness in IL.

    OP, you can keep telling us how selfless and wonderful you are but that doesn't take away from the fact that you planned your own bachelorette. And that's tacky.

    Really? Lucky! We do - same deal across Canada - and it can't be a parent. That's basic MOH & BM 'job'  - signing
    It can be a parent in Alberta. My FIL was one of our witnesses. 
  • Wow, I had no idea how judgmental people on this site are. I definitely won’t bother posting again. I asked a question and y’all have managed to take one small portion of my story and make an issue of it. No one actually involved has an issue with the situation and it’s not a completely foreign concept. But thanks so much for your opinions and help! Have a great day!
    You asked us for our judgement.  We gave it to you.  I am sorry you are disappointed with it.
    It is not "tacky" to plan a party in honor of yourself.  It is downright RUDE.  The bride never plans her own showers or bachelorette party.  NEVER!  You have chosen to break this longstanding rule, but you are surprised that we warn you?  Wake up and smell the coffee.
    Really, pre-wedding party rules have relaxed in the last few years.  In the near past, showers were never supposed to be hosted by the MOB or MOG.  Now this is not uncommon.  Bachelorette parties did not exist at all when I was a bride.  They are optional today.  My daughter did not have either one.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Don't let your friend pressure you into choosing a MOH. This is your decision, you don't need an excuse. Just tell everyone that you don't want to choose on over the others because you love them all.

    Your friend isn't engaged yet! Why is she asking you to put your honeymoon off for her bp? That's crazy. Even if she was engaged and had her bp date set, she has no business asking you to put off your honeymoon. Tell her your plans are firm and don't discuss it with her any further. 

    While it's inappropriate to plan your own bp, there may be a way to make this right. You say you are paying for a good deal of the trip and doing a lot of special things for your guests. I wonder if it's too late to make this trip about honoring your WP? If you can, I think that would be very sweet of you and would accomplish your goal of not being the center of attention.
                
    short+sassySoonToBeSmith0512
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