This letter is just so sad.

mrsconn23 · March 2018

Dear Prudence,

My sister-in-law is a mess. She is a drug addict who started running away at 16 and only resurfaces in her parents’ life when she has a child she wants to unload on them. For more than a decade she has put them through a carousel of arrests and convictions, attempts at rehab, and giving birth to drug-addicted children. My husband and I adopted her daughter after the state took away her parental rights. I ended up dropping out of my graduate program to concentrate on her/our daughter’s care. Now she is a healthy, happy 4-year-old, but her 10-year-old brother has a host of health and development problems as a result of his mother’s drug use. My in-laws are raising him.

Now my sister-in-law has surfaced again for the first time in several years. She got caught using a stolen credit card and is facing a series of parole violations. She’s also pregnant again. My in-laws are broke and nearing retirement, with a 10-year-old to raise; they cannot take on an infant, and neither can I. They want us to take this baby. I won’t. I can’t. I love our daughter, but this isn’t the life I wanted. I want to have a baby myself, and I know if we take this second child on, that will not happen. Our daughter has a lot of difficult issues to deal with already. My refusal is breaking my family’s heart. I hear my husband on the phone weeping while talking to his parents. They have good memories of the girl my sister-in-law used to be, but I can only resent her. How do we get through this?

—Can’t Parent Again

ShesSoCold · March 2018

OH MAN. This poor family.

That's all I got.

charlotte989875 · March 2018

This is heartbreaking.

But if LW doesn't want to adopt the future baby, she shouldn't. It is not on her. There are many great families waiting and hoping to be able to adopt a child and give it a loving home. You get through it by doing what is best for you, your husband, your daughter right now. And know that there are people out there who will love this baby and that it doesn't have to be you.

short+sassy · March 2018

I try to have sympathy for people addicted to drugs. I'm sure it's horrible and often impossible to overcome. But sometimes it is hard to have sympathy, because addiction usually turns them into terrible, totally unreliable, selfish people. Like, the kind of person the LW's SIL is. Who gets pregnant 3x. With innocent babies she can't take care of and who are going to be born into the vicious cruelty of withdrawal.

Quite frankly, I'm not really liking the parents in this scenario. I get it. They don't want to see their grandchild put into foster care and then up for adoption. But, despite their anguish, it's heartless to be putting this kind of pressure on their son and his wife. The LW and her H have NO responsibility to this child. NONE. It is sad, but it is not their problem. They already adopted the niece.

And what about a 4th child? Or 5th? Or 6th? Who knows how many children this SIL is going to end up having.

This couple needs to stand their ground and make sure it is understood, in no uncertain terms, that they cannot adopt any more children. So hard when his parents are suffering, but the H needs to start stopping these conversations when they start. Hang up the phone. End the visit.

I'd also suggest the family look into open adoptions, where the grandparents would be able to have some contact with the child throughout its life. I don't really know exactly how/how well those work. But one of my high school friends did one. It seemed to work out for everyone. The parents would send letters and pictures to her. And she also got to see her bio-daughter a few times a year.

mrsconn23 · March 2018

Exactly, @short+sassy.

I think LW and her H should go to counseling to deal with this. They need to unpack all these feelings and help themselves set the boundaries with LW's IL's. IL's can enable all they want, but they cannot force LW and her H to join them in the enabling.

Also, I think LW needs to just avoid her SIL and anything about her at all costs for her own self-preservation and her relationship with her daughter. At least until she can find some clarity and bank down on the emotions caused by SIL's destructive tendencies.

banana468 · March 2018

short+sassy said:

I try to have sympathy for people addicted to drugs. I'm sure it's horrible and often impossible to overcome. But sometimes it is hard to have sympathy, because addiction usually turns them into terrible, totally unreliable, selfish people. Like, the kind of person the LW's SIL is. Who gets pregnant 3x. With innocent babies she can't take care of and who are going to be born into the vicious cruelty of withdrawal.
Quite frankly, I'm not really liking the parents in this scenario. I get it. They don't want to see their grandchild put into foster care and then up for adoption. But, despite their anguish, it's heartless to be putting this kind of pressure on their son and his wife. The LW and her H have NO responsibility to this child. NONE. It is sad, but it is not their problem. They already adopted the niece.
And what about a 4th child? Or 5th? Or 6th? Who knows how many children this SIL is going to end up having.
This couple needs to stand their ground and make sure it is understood, in no uncertain terms, that they cannot adopt any more children. So hard when his parents are suffering, but the H needs to start stopping these conversations when they start. Hang up the phone. End the visit.
I'd also suggest the family look into open adoptions, where the grandparents would be able to have some contact with the child throughout its life. I don't really know exactly how/how well those work. But one of my high school friends did one. It seemed to work out for everyone. The parents would send letters and pictures to her. And she also got to see her bio-daughter a few times a year.

If the math adds up my guess is that SIL is in her late 20s? So assuming that SIL never learns to stop you're absolutely right that there is a very real possibility of future kids.

I think some of this is enabling.

None of this is good and I feel so bad for everyone. A large part of me is angry at the MIL and FIL for putting this pressure on their son and DIL. Adoption is not easy. Adopted children often have a host of issues that can be associated with a lack of bonding in infancy and if you're born to a woman who did not ensure that her unborn child received quality prenatal care while abusing her body, there's a good chance that you are going to be born with a host of issues. That's monetarily and emotionally taxing on any parent of ONE child.

I don't know the best answer here. I can understand the mentality of wanting to do what you can to ensure that the baby is taken care of and loved by family. But the reality isn't a storybook. I think the MIL and FIL may have already done their daughter a disservice if if I read through the lines and now they should seek some good adoption agencies that may allow them to still keep some kind of a relationship with the baby.

Under no circumstances should the ILs or the H continue to pressure the wife. Instead they need to come up with some better solutions here for the baby and they also need to look to see what kind of programs are best for the sister. IF this has been happening for over a decade they need to be prepared for outcomes that are not favorable and they shouldn't be there as a broom and dustpan to clean up the mess every time.

southernbelle0915 · March 2018

SIL has a lot of fertile years left. This baby will probably not be the last, most unfortunately. SIL is entitled to her own life. If she wants to have her own baby instead of adopting this drug addicted baby, she should. Maybe she and her husband can help by offering to pay for SIL's abortion and IUD.

I know it's a fucked up concept that could probably never be properly overseen or administered, even in the most progressive societies...but stories like this make me think about the pros (and major cons, of course) of mandatory birth control and government funded, quality rehab programs. It's so unfair that these unwanted babies are basically abused during pregnancy and then born with permanent, lifelong health problems and disabilities.

kvruns · March 2018

This letter makes me think of the one a week or two ago about the adult who did not want to be the caregiver for her disabled siblings and the pressure the parents were putting on her.

levioosa · March 2018

southernbelle0915 said:

SIL has a lot of fertile years left. This baby will probably not be the last, most unfortunately. SIL is entitled to her own life. If she wants to have her own baby instead of adopting this drug addicted baby, she should. Maybe she and her husband can help by offering to pay for SIL's abortion and IUD.

I know it's a fucked up concept that could probably never be properly overseen or administered, even in the most progressive societies...but stories like this make me think about the pros (and major cons, of course) of mandatory birth control and government funded, quality rehab programs. It's so unfair that these unwanted babies are basically abused during pregnancy and then born with permanent, lifelong health problems and disabilities.

Honestly, we do a huge disservice by not even offering LARC to women unless they ask. Studies have shown that access to LARC is something which objectively would prevent unwanted pregnancy, and that women who substance abuse feel would assist them in recovery. Women identified the lack of LARC as a significant barrier to recovery in addition to things such as women focused therapy/recovery centers (most rehab/therapy places aren’t actually equipped to deal with issues like DV that dispproportionately affect women).

For several reasons, IUDs aren’t a great option for people like the women in this letter, but there are other long term methods that can work. I work in a pretty low income area. I had one patient that had been pregnant 23 times, and had given birth to 7. She was only in her early 30s. Her story was very similar to LWs SIL, and yet when I asked, no one had ever spoken to her about long term reversible birth control. She would have been a good candidate for the implanon and she was open to the idea. But now one had ever asked her about it. We fail women in healthcare. We don’t offer them resources. So they suffer. Their children suffer. It’s not okay.

OliveOilsMom · March 2018

One part that no one else has mentioned is what does the H want. He has been heard weeping on the phone with his parents. Is that because he wants the child and LW doesn't?

Just because 1 party wants the child and the other does not shouldn't be an automatic answer of they adopt the child. But LW and H need to have a long conversation about the entire situation and decide together what they will do.

As mentioned above, an open adoption would be a wonderful idea as the new baby would have the potential to know or see their siblings as they grow up.

short+sassy · March 2018

OliveOilsMom said:

One part that no one else has mentioned is what does the H want. He has been heard weeping on the phone with his parents. Is that because he wants the child and LW doesn't?
Just because 1 party wants the child and the other does not shouldn't be an automatic answer of they adopt the child. But LW and H need to have a long conversation about the entire situation and decide together what they will do.
As mentioned above, an open adoption would be a wonderful idea as the new baby would have the potential to know or see their siblings as they grow up.

Interesting perspective! I was inferring from the letter that she and her H were on the same page of not wanting to adopt this second baby. And the H was upset talking to his parents over their pressure and probably the whole situation.

But I just re-read the letter from a viewpoint of he is either still on the fence about or wants to adopt this baby. The words make sense that way also. Hmmm...now I'm also curious on how the H feels.

I hope they're on the same page. Because that would be a whole 'nother kettle of sad fish if they aren't.

banana468 · March 2018

I agree she and the H need to be on the same page.

In all of this they need to have some seriously long talks about what they think they should do TOGETHER.

There's no "winning" in here. It's about trying to find a solution that just seems to make the greatest sense.

kvruns · March 2018

@levioosa why would an IUD be a bad idea in this situation?

Jen4948 · March 2018

The whole situation is tragic for everyone involved.

I agree that the LW should not be pressured into adopting another of her SIL's children.

But yes, she and her husband need to be on the same page about this.

The whole family could probably benefit from counseling.

redwoodoriginal · March 2018

kvruns said:

@levioosa why would an IUD be a bad idea in this situation?

Yeah I don’t understand @levioosa’s thought on the 10yr iud being a bad idea. Are you saying that bc usually iuds aren’t recommended if you have had PID? Bc you think drug addicts would be more likely to have pid or other stds that might worsen or be contraindicated for an IUD?

As a HCP, as someone whose previous ob/gyn worked with young low income and whom I talked to extensively about long term bc, and as someone who talked to my current ob in depth about bc across the board for most women, IUD was the #1 way to go.

kimmiinthemitten · March 2018

I have advice that will shock everyone (/sarcasm)...

Naranon. Naranon. Naranon.

And @banana468 this isn’t somewhat enabling, it’s flat out enabling. It’s clear SIL comes back each time she’s pregnant because she can, and it seems she can come back and continue to use and expect her families support.

There is no easy answer, but it starts by detaching and allowing SIL to suffer from the consequences of her actions. The State will help with the babies.

ETA @short+sassy I look at it like my brother is possessed. My real brother is kind and loving and funny. That person is now a shell. His shell has been taken over by a disease that makes him a liar, a manipulator, a thief and generally unsafe to be around. I love my brother and hate the disease and choose not to engage with this new person until he takes the steps to fight his disease.

MesmrEwe · March 2018

LW needs to go finish graduate school a class at a time because there's some regret and resent happening there (putting her life on hold because of drug addicted SIL and not living her authentic self), it'll also help her in providing a model to the 4-yo of never abandoning her dreams because of circumstances.

And I agree, my guess is the H may want to step up out of duty to family, but LW wants to stop enabling.

levioosa · March 2018

@kvruns my apologies. IUDs used to be a contraindication with multiple partner use without secondary protection. It was thought that the IUD would increase chances of PID with unprotected sex with multiple partners. I took another look at the updated recommendations and that’s no longer the current thought. But, regardless of IUD or not, having unprotected sex and getting an STI that you don’t treat CAN cause PID.

kvruns · March 2018

What is PID?

southernbelle0915 · March 2018

levioosa said:

@kvruns my apologies. IUDs used to be a contraindication with multiple partner use without secondary protection. It was thought that the IUD would increase chances of PID with unprotected sex with multiple partners. I took another look at the updated recommendations and that’s no longer the current thought. But, regardless of IUD or not, having unprotected sex and getting an STI that you don’t treat CAN cause PID.

I have a blood condition that puts me at a much higher risk of clotting with oral BC so an IUD was one of my only options. I got my first IUD in my late teens (a long time ago). In so many words, my doctor was like "we know all you young women want to, but don't go hoeing around bareback now that you have this great form of BC." Um ok.

I'm glad the guidelines have changed. It was insulting.

levioosa · March 2018

kvruns said:

What is PID?

Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. It can cause infertility, tubo-ovarian abscesses, ectopic pregnancy, sepsis, and chronic abdominal pain. In extreme untreated cases it can even kill you. It’s usually caused by chlamydia or gonorrhea although there are other organisms that can cause it too. Chlamydia and gonorrhea are also two of the STIs that are often asymmtomatic for women.

mrsconn23 · March 2018

southernbelle0915 said:
I have a blood condition that puts me at a much higher risk of clotting with oral BC so an IUD was one of my only options. I got my first IUD in my late teens (a long time ago). In so many words, my doctor was like "we know all you young women want to, but don't go hoeing around bareback now that you have this great form of BC." Um ok.

I'm glad the guidelines have changed. It was insulting.

::blink, blink::

Goddamn. Huge assumption with a heavy dose of slut-shaming.

This letter is just so sad.

Re: This letter is just so sad.

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