Friend asked if invited, I said yes but idk

[Deleted User] · April 2018

Hey there!

I'm in the middle of a dilemma and don't know what to do. So fiance and I have a friend, or maybe friend-of-a-friend, I'm not sure anymore. We used to hang out regularly and over time we stopped talking and really only saw each other when friends planned something and brought this guy along. So when we made the guest list he was on our "maybe" list along with his gf as a plus one whom we don't really know.

When we announced our engagement online, after not hearing from him for a long while, all of a sudden he is really interested in talking to us and asking about the wedding and such, kind of like fishing for an inviation? Not sure but I didn't say anything.

Fast forward a few months later and we go on a trip where our mutual friends invited him along as well. We were having many drunken experiences over that weekend. I try not to talk about the wedding (which is 1.5 years away) in front of people who aren't or might not be invited, but it was brought up by mutual friends who are invited and in the wedding party.

So basically he came out and said that all he asks is that he's invited and instead of saying "oh we haven't figured out our guest list yet" like I should have, I said "of course you're invited!". Ugh why?! Now I'm having second thoughts - I realized that I wouldn't expect to be invited to his wedding should he decide to marry current gf.

So considering that, first it was a flat out on-the-spot presumption or ask (in front of said mutual friend as well), and also considering that I messed up and said yes (albeit buzzed at the bar when i was feeling especially welcoming), if it turns out that we don't talk to him much over the next year when I send out save the dates, what should I do? Should I send him a message explaining that while I thought we'd have the space to invite all our frinds, turns out we don't? Or because I verbally confirmed am I stuck to that? And maybe the friendship will be completely re-kindled and we'll see him all the time so it won't be an issue? And for the record we do enjoy his company and value the friendship (though we enjoy many peoples company and value friendship and just cant invite them all). Help!!! What do I do??

short+sassy · April 2018

I wouldn't send an STD. But, if he is still in the friend group when invites go out, I'd send him one. Otherwise, it's a bit rude and could cause fall out in the friend group. If he's truly single, I would not give him a plus one (unless all the other truly single people were getting one). If he has an SO, whether the same one or a different one, than she should also be invited, by name, on his invite.

My H made a similar blunder, when we were engaged. It happens! We had a small, intimate wedding (35 guests). He happened to run into a former coworker/casual friend when he was out running errands one day. He told Friend that we had just gotten engaged. In his excitement, he blurted out, "Hey! You all should come to the wedding."

I was not a happy camper. This person and his wife are perfectly nice people. It wasn't that. But they didn't exactly "fit" into the small guest list of immediate family members and lifelong friends. BUT, a verbal invite was made, so an invite was sent. They ended up declining anyway (phew!).

And I had a gentle discussion with H, that I love his friendliness and exuberance, but he needs to dust off the "filter" between his brain and his mouth when talking about our wedding, lol.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2018

According to etiquette, a verbal invitation should be followed by a written invitation. That being said, in your case ( a buzzed one) I would wait until you are sending out invitations. It was very rude of him to ask if he was invited. You don't have to send everyone a save the date so don't send this guy a STD. Wait and see if you actually see him again over the next year and a half. If you do, and are friendly I would send an invitation even if you aren't hanging out all the time. If you don't see him again between now and the wedding, I wouldn't send one.

STARMOON44 · April 2018

You just invite him, since you already did.

MobKaz · April 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Hey there!

I'm in the middle of a dilemma and don't know what to do. So fiance and I have a friend, or maybe friend-of-a-friend, I'm not sure anymore. We used to hang out regularly and over time we stopped talking and really only saw each other when friends planned something and brought this guy along. So when we made the guest list he was on our "maybe" list along with his gf as a plus one whom we don't really know.

When we announced our engagement online, after not hearing from him for a long while, all of a sudden he is really interested in talking to us and asking about the wedding and such, kind of like fishing for an inviation? Not sure but I didn't say anything.

Fast forward a few months later and we go on a trip where our mutual friends invited him along as well. We were having many drunken experiences over that weekend. I try not to talk about the wedding (which is 1.5 years away) in front of people who aren't or might not be invited, but it was brought up by mutual friends who are invited and in the wedding party.

So basically he came out and said that all he asks is that he's invited and instead of saying "oh we haven't figured out our guest list yet" like I should have, I said "of course you're invited!". Ugh why?! Now I'm having second thoughts - I realized that I wouldn't expect to be invited to his wedding should he decide to marry current gf.

So considering that, first it was a flat out on-the-spot presumption or ask (in front of said mutual friend as well), and also considering that I messed up and said yes (albeit buzzed at the bar when i was feeling especially welcoming), if it turns out that we don't talk to him much over the next year when I send out save the dates, what should I do? Should I send him a message explaining that while I thought we'd have the space to invite all our frinds, turns out we don't? Or because I verbally confirmed am I stuck to that? And maybe the friendship will be completely re-kindled and we'll see him all the time so it won't be an issue? And for the record we do enjoy his company and value the friendship (though we enjoy many peoples company and value friendship and just cant invite them all). Help!!! What do I do??

I agree with @ILoveBeachMusic on all fronts.

You did invite him verbally, and as per etiquette, it should be followed up by a physical invitation.

Your potential loophole is that the wedding is not for another year and a half. If you truly have no encounters with this guy throughout that time frame, why would he even expect or want an invitation at that point?

Your "worst case scenario" is that you have added two people to your list that you hadn't originally considered. The upside is that there is also the converse that two people currently in your circle may no longer be when the guest list must be finalized.

This is not worthy of panic or stress.

ahoywedding · April 2018

The only way I'd see you getting out of inviting him is if the friendship falls apart between now and the time you send your invites. Don't send him a STD, and see how things progress. If you're still friendly with him, you'll need to invite him (and anyone he considers his significant other). If it ends up that you're no longer friends, he shouldn't expect an invite anymore.

We ended up inviting a couple that we didn't reaallllly like because the husband was in a fantasy football league with my now-husband and he felt bad that they were the only couple in our "group" not invited. It was seriously no big deal, and nothing to get stressed about.

banana468 · April 2018

You agreed to invite this guy. He's on the list.

It's two people - this isn't going to make or break things.

MandyMost · April 2018

Yes, verbal invite should be followed by a real invite...but what if she doesn't care about the friendship? If you're willing to lose the friendship over this (and it sounds like you are, since it's not strong to begin with) then don't send the invite. Unless you think it would cause more drama than it's worth--either with your mutual friends, or if you think this guy is crazy enough to stalk your wedding website and show up anyway.

southernbelle0915 · April 2018

Well, technical etiquette is that a verbal invitation means you need to send a written invitation, so there's your answer. Save the dates are not required so I wouldn't send him one of those. A year and a half is a long time and your formal invites will only go out 8 weeks prior, so between now and then a lot could change. You might totally lose touch with this person.

It sounds like you know how you're supposed to handle these brazen comments from people and alcohol made this instance hard. Sorry!

ei34 · April 2018

Agreed that two more people won’t make or break things, I’d invite him.

I have nothing against long engagements, but the funny thing about them is so much can happen in life outside of the engagement/wedding bubble. Relationships change all of the time. Maybe over the next 18 months this guy will become a true friend. Maybe some of your close friends will fade away. I’d try really hard to not discuss the wedding too much until it gets closer. Don’t ask friends to be bridesmaids, etc. It may put you in an awkward spot which is never fun.

Jen4948 · April 2018

Even though the verbal invite was unintentional, you need to follow up with an actual invitation.

But he shouldn't have asked if he was invited.

thisismynickname2 · April 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

Hey there!

I'm in the middle of a dilemma and don't know what to do. So fiance and I have a friend, or maybe friend-of-a-friend, I'm not sure anymore. We used to hang out regularly and over time we stopped talking and really only saw each other when friends planned something and brought this guy along. So when we made the guest list he was on our "maybe" list along with his gf as a plus one whom we don't really know.

Honestly, generally speaking with weddings, I have no idea why these types of people even make the "maybe" list.
You don't owe an invite to everyone you've ever met in your life.

We didn't invite some fringe friends and when the larger friend groups get together and we all see each other, no one, seriously no one, gives a shit about who invited whom to whose wedding.

As per the advice above, don't send an STD, and see what happens when it's actual invite time. If you still haven't spoken again in 1.25 years, the technical breach of etiquette is like a victimless crime.

MairePoppy · April 2018

With that long explanation of your relationship with the friend and the reason you invited him, I think you really know the answer. That little voice in the back of your brain is telling you that you have already invited him. Send him an invitation.

Friend asked if invited, I said yes but idk

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