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Grooms family suddenly not approving

augustgirl21augustgirl21 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Woes
My fiancé's family has accepted me with open arms since day 1. They think I'm wonderful for their son, etc. 
His mom and I have disagreed on minor issues but nothing major and I've learned when and where to speak up and where to just let it go. 

Now just under 2 months from the wedding day, I'm hearing from my fiancé that his parents (father) think that our marriage is going to fail because I recently was fired and (according to them) have no intent on finding a new job (not true) and my finance is completely irresponsible with money and has major issues with alcohol. 

This is causing a lot of stress on my finace and causing him to want to move out of state to not have to deal with them. He wants to tell them its our life and stay out but obviously they are his parents and he wants a good relationship with them.  
Any advice for us?? 

TIA

 

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Re: Grooms family suddenly not approving

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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    He should tell them their comments aren’t appreciated and refuse to listen to them. Moving out of state instead of drawing boundaries is childish and won’t actually fix anything. 

    But also are they wrong? If you’re unemployed and he’s an alcoholic who’s bad with money they’re maybe reasonably worried?
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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    augustgirl21 said:
    My fiancé's family has accepted me with open arms since day 1. They think I'm wonderful for their son, etc. 
    His mom and I have disagreed on minor issues but nothing major and I've learned when and where to speak up and where to just let it go. 

    Now just under 2 months from the wedding day, I'm hearing from my fiancé that his parents (father) think that our marriage is going to fail because I recently was fired and (according to them) have no intent on finding a new job (not true) and my finance is completely irresponsible with money and has major issues with alcohol. 

    This is causing a lot of stress on my finace and causing him to want to move out of state to not have to deal with them. He wants to tell them its our life and stay out but obviously they are his parents and he wants a good relationship with them.  
    Any advice for us?? 

    TIA
    What is your FI's reaction? Does he stand up for you? 

    Also, what Starmoon said, is any of this true? Do they feel you are maybe having a really expensive party that you cannot afford? 

    Has your FI actually sat down and asked them where this came from if it's come out of the blue? 
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    ahoyweddingahoywedding member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Have you talked about these concerns with your FI? What has he said to his family when they make these comments? Do they have any truth to them?

    I agree with PPs who say you and your FI should talk about some of these issues, act like mature adults and really think about what's happening. 
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    holyguacamole79 said:
    My question is why is your FI telling you that his parents are speaking of you this way?  My mom has expressed concerns about my husband being overweight, but I would never dreaming of saying, "hey honey, my mom is worried and thinks you need to lose weight."


    Also, the money and alcohol concerns could be valid.  

    Out of curiosity, how old are the two of you?
    This.  

    Furthermore, how did the conversation even come about?  Because my parents don't just call up out of the blue to tell me what's wrong with my life.  If I bring a problem to them, they will offer their perspective or advice. 

    Also maybe they've had concerns all along that he's been hearing about (drinking and financial irresponsibility), but since you weren't brought up he never said anything.  Now that he's gotten feedback on you, he's sharing?  That's...not very kind or loving, IMO. 

    And I have to say that his reaction to said feedback is telling.  It's very, "I'll show them!", which is kind of proving their point? 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2018
    I wouldn't move out of state based on these comments. As PPs state, it's not a mature response to his parents' criticism.

    The $64,000 question is, is any of it justified?

    If none of it is, your FI needs to tell his parents, politely but firmly, to put a sock in it when it comes to their opinions of you. He has to make clear to them that you're a team, and he should really refrain from bringing any more petty gripes and bitches they have about you to your attention. If he doesn't, I'd reconsider whether marrying him at all is a good idea, because if he doesn't set appropriate boundaries with his parents now, it's a huge red flag and a major question mark whether he ever will.

    But if anything they're saying is justified (which it doesn't sound like) then I would take it under advisement.
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2018
    Hopefully you're involved in some form of premarital counseling (this is something across the board recommended for all couples.  You don't need to be religious to take part in this, there are Marriage and Family Counselors who would much rather work with couples before you get married than after when a "rule of engagement" should have been set before you got married (things like the potential for kids, lines in the sand for arguments,  finances, finances if one or the other is out of work for an extended range of time, who does the dishes/garbage/laundry/etc., when seeking treatment on alcoholism may become necessary, and other intimate issues.)

    Also, remember you may be getting only a snapshot of one side of the discussion!  It may have gone something like "You know son, you're starting to drink a lot more than you used to, is there something going on that this is the case, is it that FDIL hasn't found work yet, or?, and you need to cut back because you're about to get married and (become an adult in the non-age aspect).." or... "You know, before the wedding you really need to have a plan in place so you don't consume too much alcohol before or at the reception so you remember your wedding and are up to the task on your wedding night.." 

    Two months out from the wedding, the parents are seeing the "this is real" and things to work on before you get married (not that these need to be 100% resolved, but worked on)...  Change your perception to there was a time "Speak now or forever hold your peace" was part of the service.  Also, while there may be an element of "Playpens and playmates" (one of the first things to change when eliminating an addiction), the underlying issues still need to be worked on such that moving out of state as a first step may not be the prudent way to go, OTOH, if you're both on board with doing so (think about being away from your family as well), now's the perfect time to start fresh and new.  That however is up for the two of you to decide.  

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Is your FI irresponsible with money? Has he ever (as an adult) hit his parents up for money? Does he have an alcohol problem? How long have you been unemployed?
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    augustgirl21augustgirl21 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    My finance isn't super responsible with money but all his bills get paid on time. He used to be addicted to gambling before we met but has worked to overcome that and either avoids it completely or if there is a bachelor party or something for his friends he brings a set responsible amount of cash. 
    He does struggle with drinking but not as much as his parents believe he does and again is learning control in this area. 
    I have only been unemployed for 4 days. 

    The idea to move out of state was he had a job opportunity. We both talked about it and realized there was nothing holding us here except friends and family. My parents said they would buy a "vacation home" close to the city we discusses if we moved and planned on staying. The job opportunity wasn't for as much as we thought it would be and the more I thought about it I didn't want to move out of state. 
    I'm not opposed to moving someday but not currently even though now would be the best time since we don't have kids yet. I figure it's not the best time if it's not going to make me happy and I feel forced in some way. 

     

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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Aw thanks @flantastic!    
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its


    Me re-reading OP's stories ....




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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its


    Me re-reading OP's stories ....




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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    With the stated timelines, FILs response, your description of your FI's gambling and alcohol issues as "managed"/no big deal, your FI's response to his folks' concerns, and your response to their concerns (i.e. they "suddenly don't approve" of you)....this sounds dramatic and reaching, at best. 

    I'm not accusing you of misrepresenting the situation necessarily (although I have a lot of questions), but I would strongly recommend reflecting on this and consider that this may not be a situation where your FILs "just don't understand me/him/us" but they have concerns that are legit. 
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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    So there are a couple things to unpack here. Firstly, of course it is going to be hurtful to hear these things, but WHY are you hearing them is the bigger question. It was pretty cruel for him to say those things about you and I wonder about the veracity. 

    It sounds like your inlays struck a nerve with your fiancé and now he is trying to get you on side as well to cut them out of his life. I agree with PP that the ways you have mentioned controlling his behaviour is not really beneficial to an addict. Frankly, someone with a gambling addiction should NEVER be gambling. It is like any other addiction. The definition of addiction means that you can't control yourself. External factors should not be controlling addition. Only an addict can control their addiction by not partaking. That is like giving an alcoholic a set amount of beer and expecting that to fix the underlying problem (which it appears that you also try to do on the party bus). 

    Addiction is a disease. Its like you are treating bacterial-caused vomiting with not eating. It's a short term fix but not a treatment.

    So the best thing I think you can do to this situation is prove them wrong. Get your fi in a programme to give up gambling and drinking, and you get a job. 

    Because right now they do have valid concerns. 
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