Leave Jon alone. Bean dip your friends.

mrsconn23 · April 2018

Dear Prudence,

I have been friends with “Jon” for four years. He’s a great guy but not my type. Four months ago Jon got drunk, confessed his undying love for me, and tried to kiss me. I gently rejected him and got someone else to sober him up. The next day, Jon apologized. I told him I valued our friendship and since then, our things have gone back to normal—but several of our mutual friends are pressuring me to give Jon a chance. They ignore my refusals and try to sell me on him. One got very angry when I started dating someone new and accused me of stringing Jon along. I was honest with Jon, and I have tried to be kind (I don’t complain to him about my love life or anything). I have asked Jon several times if we are OK, and he said yes, but all this interference from our friends has left me with doubts. Jon and I have plans to go to France this summer with another friend, and I have spent a lot of money on nonrefundable tickets. Should I ignore all this or press Jon for more details?

—Pining

short+sassy · April 2018

As usual, @mrsconn23 gives great advice in the few words of her title, lol.

The LW has already made her feelings clear to Jon. It sounds like she is sensitive enough to avoid topics of her love life around him. But now she needs to let it go. Constantly checking to make sure he is "okay" with things, is just picking at the wound.

Their mutual friends need to mind their own business. But, the fact that the LW has planned a trip to France with this guy...albeit with a 3rd person also...makes me wonder if there is some validity to their claims that she is giving him the wrong impression.

At this point, I wouldn't do anything different with the trip since it sounds like extensive plans...including nonrefundable tickets...have already been made. But she shouldn't have planned such a major trip with him in the first place.

I suppose it's possible she didn't know his feelings until 4 months ago and the trip was already in place. Buuutttt, I doubt his strong romantic feelings was a total surprise to her.

MissKittyDanger · April 2018

With all the stuff about being 'friendzoned' going on, it's prob why LW's friends are about it.

Bean dip is ideal, but LW could mention - once - that they've already talked to Jon about this and anything going forward is between them.

ShesSoCold · April 2018

short+sassy said:

As usual, @mrsconn23 gives great advice in the few words of her title, lol.
The LW has already made her feelings clear to Jon. It sounds like she is sensitive enough to avoid topics of her love life around him. But now she needs to let it go. Constantly checking to make sure he is "okay" with things, is just picking at the wound.
Their mutual friends need to mind their own business. But, the fact that the LW has planned a trip to France with this guy...albeit with a 3rd person also...makes me wonder if there is some validity to their claims that she is giving him the wrong impression.
At this point, I wouldn't do anything different with the trip since it sounds like extensive plans...including nonrefundable tickets...have already been made. But she shouldn't have planned such a major trip with him in the first place.
I suppose it's possible she didn't know his feelings until 4 months ago and the trip was already in place. Buuutttt, I doubt his strong romantic feelings was a total surprise to her.

See, I disagree with this. Planning a trip with a friend is and can be just that - planning a trip with a friend. It sounds to me like when they planned it, LW didn't know Jon had a thing for her. She's supposed to not do fun things with her friends because he's of the opposite sex?

This, nearly identical thing happened to my sister. She was best friends with this guy. They road tripped all over the country and camped and were super close for years. One day he told her he loved her. She did the same as LW, but did try to keep a little more distance. Now he's married and they're still super close. It worked out.

LW has done nothing wrong here and her friends are shitty.

charlotte989875 · April 2018

Women don’t owe men a date, a chance, or any other benefit. LWs friends are wrong & the ones causing problems.

I’d stop bringing it up with Jon and tell your friends to STFU.

mrsconn23 · April 2018

charlotte989875 said:

Women don’t owe men a date, a chance, or any other benefit. LWs friends are wrong & the ones causing problems.

I’d stop bringing it up with Jon and tell your friends to STFU.

THIS!

Also, if she were throwing herself at Jon and he was clearly not interested, would these same friends be talking to Jon and telling him to give her a chance OR would they being telling LW to stop embarrassing herself and to 'move on'?

kerbohl · April 2018

ARGH! These friends are awful! She's handled the situation, and has made it crystal clear to Jon that she's not interested and ergo is not stringing him along. Do they want her to stop being friends with him just because in the past he admitted feelings?

Also, I can see Jon's feeling being a surprise. I've been surprised in the past by friends being interested in dating. I don't know, but when you only see them as friends, the idea of a romantic relationship seems so foreign from your perspective that, even if there are signs, you might completely misinterpret them and be completely blown away when they reveal they want more. I may just be a little oblivious though ...

Jen4948 · April 2018

She needs new friends who mind their own business. She doesn't owe Jon anything.

ei34 · April 2018

I can sort of relate to LW. Up until I met my H, there was a friend who was interested in me (he only told me when he’d had too much to drink) and our mutual friends really thought we’d be good together. I never led him on, and we’re all still friends to this day (he and his wife, who I love, are actually having a baby in June!) but our friends annoyed me at the time. Bean dip is good advice but it gets tiring. LW doesn’t owe the friend anything.

short+sassy · April 2018

Not that it matters for the advice, but I'm actually a little curious how the friends even know about Jon's feelings.

Is it something that's always been "known" in the friend group and he only confessed it to her somewhat recently?

Did he tell and/or did she tell the mutual friends about his drunken confession? I'm assuming he might have mentioned his feelings to the friends all along, but now it's "out" that she knows. Something like that?

Or was his drunken confession in the presence of all/some members of the group? This is actually my personal favorite, only because the letters are more fun when there is an extra side of drama/soap opera.

knottie6fe2cc5434160aa2 · April 2018

short+sassy said:

As usual, @mrsconn23 gives great advice in the few words of her title, lol.
The LW has already made her feelings clear to Jon. It sounds like she is sensitive enough to avoid topics of her love life around him. But now she needs to let it go. Constantly checking to make sure he is "okay" with things, is just picking at the wound.
Their mutual friends need to mind their own business. But, the fact that the LW has planned a trip to France with this guy...albeit with a 3rd person also...makes me wonder if there is some validity to their claims that she is giving him the wrong impression.
At this point, I wouldn't do anything different with the trip since it sounds like extensive plans...including nonrefundable tickets...have already been made. But she shouldn't have planned such a major trip with him in the first place.
I suppose it's possible she didn't know his feelings until 4 months ago and the trip was already in place. Buuutttt, I doubt his strong romantic feelings was a total surprise to her.

"women shouldn't plan trips with friends in case they might be secretly in love with them. also despite the fact that men seem to think any woman who speaks to them is interested, they are also responsible for ensuring that their friends don't develop those feelings in the first place. When they do, it's her job to manage them and make sure their precious manfeelings don't get too hurt".
I can't imagine never being able to plan trips with my female friends for fear that one of us might secretly be in the love with the other. Being straight sounds like an exhausting nightmare.

For a really good response to a similar letter, I'd check out the recent Captain Awkward. Lots of good responses, less misogyny.

downtondiva · April 2018

Jon has told her that the two of them are okay and LW says things have "gone back to normal" between them. She needs to drop this issue until Jon makes another move on her (which hopefully he won't). Jon may still be disappointed that she's not interested, but that's not her problem; you shouldn't go out with someone just to avoid disappointing them.

I see her friends as the bigger problem here. Bean dipping is all well and good, but if they keep bringing up Jon's feelings up and getting mad at her about this, that's not enough. Next time they start bugging her, I think she should tell them that she's not going out with Jon, the subject is closed, and if they keep doing this, they'll be seeing a lot less of her.

Leave Jon alone. Bean dip your friends.

Re: Leave Jon alone. Bean dip your friends.

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