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Should I invite someone I CAN'T STAND out of obligation?

knottiec1b6db28861a9e72knottiec1b6db28861a9e72 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I took a job caring for a woman with dementia last year and I love her, her husband, and her daughter with all of my heart. I would do anything for them. Her son on the other hand makes my flesh crawl. He is in his later 30's, lives at home, doesn't work, and walks around with a false sense of entitlement. One of the benefits of my job is that I can bring my 7 year old autistic child with me to work after he gets out of school. Well, recently I confronted this guy because I felt he made a rude comment to my son. It escalated from there and he threw a hissy fit because his dad took my side. After about a month, we are cordial again but I absolutely loathe this person. My fiance says I don't have to invite him to our wedding at all, but part of me feels like a jerk inviting his dad, mother, and sister and leaving him out. The only person I am concerned about offending is my client's husband. He is a very nice man and I love working for him. I'm worried he'll be hurt that I invited one of his kids and not the other. Help please!
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Re: Should I invite someone I CAN'T STAND out of obligation?

  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    edited April 2018
    I say this is one of those cases where you have to invite all of them or invite none of them. As rude and obnoxious as you may find this guy now, imagine how he'll be if you invite his parents and sister to the wedding but not him. You may not care about offending him, but he could cause more problems for you over this. As for your client's husband, I'm sure he's aware of how difficult his son can be, but it's a lot to ask a parent not to be at least a bit unhappy if their child is excluded from something. 

    If it's really that important to you for this family to be there, I think you'll just have to accept inviting him and try to minimize your interaction with him if he attends. If the thought of his being there bothers you as much as it seems to, then you may have to forego inviting these people. Personally, I think they're more likely to understand if you don't invite any of them than if you invite three of them and leave the son out.

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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    knottiec1b6db28861a9e72 said:
    I took a job caring for a woman with dementia last year and I love her, her husband, and her daughter with all of my heart. I would do anything for them. Her son on the other hand makes my flesh crawl. He is in his later 30's, lives at home, doesn't work, and walks around with a false sense of entitlement. One of the benefits of my job is that I can bring my 7 year old autistic child with me to work after he gets out of school. Well, recently I confronted this guy because I felt he made a rude comment to my son. It escalated from there and he threw a hissy fit because his dad took my side. After about a month, we are cordial again but I absolutely loathe this person. My fiance says I don't have to invite him to our wedding at all, but part of me feels like a jerk inviting his dad, mother, and sister and leaving him out. The only person I am concerned about offending is my client's husband. He is a very nice man and I love working for him. I'm worried he'll be hurt that I invited one of his kids and not the other. Help please!
    JIC


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  • knottiec1b6db28861a9e72knottiec1b6db28861a9e72 member
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    @banana468: We haven't sent save-the-dates yet but my client's daughter marked her calendar already. @downtondiva: Ugh, I think you are right. I will just invite him and get over it. Ick! Thank you guys! 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    edited April 2018
    @MobKaz, by "child" I meant son or daughter, not an actual child. Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean their parents won't feel offended by something like this. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    knottiec1b6db28861a9e72 said:
    @banana468: We haven't sent save-the-dates yet but my client's daughter marked her calendar already. @downtondiva: Ugh, I think you are right. I will just invite him and get over it. Ick! Thank you guys! 
    Did she mark her calendar because you've extended a verbal invitation (e.g. "can't wait to celebrate with you" or "of course you're invited" or talking to her about the wedding as if she will be invited)? Or did she just mark her calendar because she asked the date or your wedding and you told her?

    If you extended any kind of verbal invitation, you need to invite whoever was included in that.

    If you have NOT extended a verbal invitation, I wouldn't. These people are your clients/customers.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • knottiec1b6db28861a9e72knottiec1b6db28861a9e72 member
    First Comment Name Dropper
    @southernbelle0915
    It was definitely a verbal invite, so I am inviting her. There is a whole, long, emotional story behind how and why I was hired to care for this woman, so my relationship with the family is personal and not just professional. We knew each other well before the idea of me caring for her was even a thought. I am going to suck it up and invite the son. *sigh*
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  • knottiec1b6db28861a9e72knottiec1b6db28861a9e72 member
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    @short+sassy Thank you!

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  • MobKazMobKaz member
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    downtondiva said:
    @MobKaz, by "child" I meant son or daughter, not an actual child. Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean their parents won't feel offended by something like this. 
    I understand and I appreciate your sentiment.  However, as a grown man in his late 30's, regardless of living situation, they must be living separate life styles.  I cannot imagine that everywhere the son goes, he includes his parents, or vice versa.  If the son lived else where, I don't think this question would be necessary.  I simply feel that the son's residence should not really be a factor in this scenario. 


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    If the son is an adult then he need not be invited with the rest of his family. He would only be a social unit with his own SO if he has one.
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  • SoonToBeSmith0512SoonToBeSmith0512 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    It sounds like you’ve got things figured out in this case, but for future reference I think  another appropriate option would be to invite the husband and wife only. Now, because you extended a verbal invitation to the daughter, I do think you’re doing the right thing by inviting all. While excluding the son would not be poor etiquette per say, I do think it could cause tension with your client if one child was invited but not the other. 
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  • knottiec1b6db28861a9e72knottiec1b6db28861a9e72 member
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    @SoonToBeSmith0512, Thank you! Yes, I don't want to create an even weirder situation for myself. Who knows, maybe this wedding will make things better between us.

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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    This is a double-bind.  If you were only inviting the husband/wife that'd be one thing but where you're including the extended, he should be because as others have mentioned the dynamic of the situation.  Ultimately, still your call, but this is one of those - hope for a case of the sniffles and he stays home.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    While he's his own social unit I'd invite him to keep the peace.  
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