Wedding Woes

Drunk driving friends

Dear Prudence,

Once a year my husband and I attend an auction to raise money for our school. It’s a really fun time. We take a party bus to the event and then postgame at someone’s house. Most couples agree in advance who will be the designated driver at the end of the night. This year the couple whose house we ended up at offered to host anyone who needed to sleep over. Everyone’s trying to make this a fun and safe night.

Last year, I ended up driving a few couples home (which I don’t mind doing). One of the couples, while unable to competently put their shoes on, argued with me for a full hour before grudgingly allowing me to drive them home. They were stumbling and swaying, and kept insisting it was fine and they didn’t live far, but I refused to budge. This year I again witnessed both of them get super drunk. I tried to keep an eye on them, but at one point they slipped out without anyone noticing. I am livid that they did this. They had the opportunity to spend the night, and neither one should have been behind the wheel. I feel that they snuck away on purpose, because they knew we would have objected. I can understand things accidentally getting out of control once, but I find it hard to believe that they’re only making this terrible choice one night a year, and it only takes one night to cause irreparable harm. Is there anything I can do or say to these friends that might actually get through to them?

—Frustrated Designated Driver

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Re: Drunk driving friends

  • Show them the Uber/Lyft app, but it sounds like this is who they are. You have to decide is you're okay spending time with them. 
  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    Once a year my husband and I attend an auction to raise money for our school. It’s a really fun time. We take a party bus to the event and then postgame at someone’s house. Most couples agree in advance who will be the designated driver at the end of the night. This year the couple whose house we ended up at offered to host anyone who needed to sleep over. Everyone’s trying to make this a fun and safe night.

    Last year, I ended up driving a few couples home (which I don’t mind doing). One of the couples, while unable to competently put their shoes on, argued with me for a full hour before grudgingly allowing me to drive them home. They were stumbling and swaying, and kept insisting it was fine and they didn’t live far, but I refused to budge. This year I again witnessed both of them get super drunk. I tried to keep an eye on them, but at one point they slipped out without anyone noticing. I am livid that they did this. They had the opportunity to spend the night, and neither one should have been behind the wheel. I feel that they snuck away on purpose, because they knew we would have objected. I can understand things accidentally getting out of control once, but I find it hard to believe that they’re only making this terrible choice one night a year, and it only takes one night to cause irreparable harm. Is there anything I can do or say to these friends that might actually get through to them?

    —Frustrated Designated Driver

    but wait, she saw them get into a car and drive....or did someone pick them up like a rideshare/taxi?

  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    Once a year my husband and I attend an auction to raise money for our school. It’s a really fun time. We take a party bus to the event and then postgame at someone’s house. Most couples agree in advance who will be the designated driver at the end of the night. This year the couple whose house we ended up at offered to host anyone who needed to sleep over. Everyone’s trying to make this a fun and safe night.

    Last year, I ended up driving a few couples home (which I don’t mind doing). One of the couples, while unable to competently put their shoes on, argued with me for a full hour before grudgingly allowing me to drive them home. They were stumbling and swaying, and kept insisting it was fine and they didn’t live far, but I refused to budge. This year I again witnessed both of them get super drunk. I tried to keep an eye on them, but at one point they slipped out without anyone noticing. I am livid that they did this. They had the opportunity to spend the night, and neither one should have been behind the wheel. I feel that they snuck away on purpose, because they knew we would have objected. I can understand things accidentally getting out of control once, but I find it hard to believe that they’re only making this terrible choice one night a year, and it only takes one night to cause irreparable harm. Is there anything I can do or say to these friends that might actually get through to them?

    —Frustrated Designated Driver

    1) Tell them off the bat now "I saw that you two left after being over served.   I need to tell you I really find that to be disrespectful to our group and anyone you may have driven by that night."

    2) Follow up with tough love.  I'm not intimate with Alanon like other members here but I imagine that part of the answer is to not enable them.   Don't invite them out.   Tell them that you simply won't be a party to their antics.   Again, others may chime in and tell me if I'm off base but if you suspect someone is drunk on the road, can't you call the cops?  What about telling them that they can't be trusted and you'd report them? 
  • I'm not sure why adults are drinking like it's a frat party for a school fundraiser in the first place - and I say this as a woman who gets high in the middle of a Saturday afternoon. Like, why is this party set up this way? How are people not just too damn old to drink like that anymore? Of course you're going to attract the alcoholics who drive super fucked up. The point of the party is getting super fucked up! 

    All that said - I think she can decide not to hang with them anymore, or point out a car service, or call the cops on them (if she's that kind of person). Other than that, she can't do much for people who clearly don't give a shit. 
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  • I honestly don't see the problem (and don't get the judgment) about drinking at the fundraiser? Most fundraisers we attend do have open bar, and while not a party bus, who cares why people are drinking or if they're getting drunk. 

    I judge the hell out of the drunk driving, but what's wrong with the parents having a fun night out? 
    "Drinking", to me, is having, oh, like 2-4 cocktails over the course of an evening. There's no "pre-gaming" or "post-gaming" or staying at someone's house, because I'm an adult with children. I don't understand how it's *possible* to drink so much and not suffer, but maybe my hangovers are really terrible, I don't know. It's just so bad for you to binge like that, and going out with the express purpose of getting wasted drunk is just...immature, IMO. 
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  • I honestly don't see the problem (and don't get the judgment) about drinking at the fundraiser? Most fundraisers we attend do have open bar, and while not a party bus, who cares why people are drinking or if they're getting drunk. 

    I judge the hell out of the drunk driving, but what's wrong with the parents having a fun night out? 
    I don't think the issue is having drinks at a fundraiser...but LW described these people as unable to put their shoes on and walk straight. That's way beyond "having drinks". It takes "getting drunk" from having a good buzz to frat level binge drinking. Objectively odd behavior for adults at a school fundraiser.

    Either way, I wouldn't invite them anymore. If the social pressure is too great and you "have" to invite them, explain the rules of the game before they come over. And sorrynotsorry but I would call the cops on their drunk asses if they do it again. I have no tolerance for people putting the lives of others in danger.
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  • I see nothing wrong with having a great time at a fundraiser where alcohol is offered.  

    But I think if you're at a fundraiser for your kids then you kind of need to act like.....a parent? 

    After these fundraisers are done, I would also question letting my kids be alone at this parents' home and I sure as shit wouldn't let them drive my kids anywhere.   


  • baconsmom said:
    I honestly don't see the problem (and don't get the judgment) about drinking at the fundraiser? Most fundraisers we attend do have open bar, and while not a party bus, who cares why people are drinking or if they're getting drunk. 

    I judge the hell out of the drunk driving, but what's wrong with the parents having a fun night out? 
    "Drinking", to me, is having, oh, like 2-4 cocktails over the course of an evening. There's no "pre-gaming" or "post-gaming" or staying at someone's house, because I'm an adult with children. I don't understand how it's *possible* to drink so much and not suffer, but maybe my hangovers are really terrible, I don't know. It's just so bad for you to binge like that, and going out with the express purpose of getting wasted drunk is just...immature, IMO. 
    Yeah this is pretty judgy, IMO. You earlier comment is about getting high during the day, that's okay, but this isn't?

    To be fair, I don't think either of those things are anything to get judgy about. 


  • My XBF's friends were like this - It drove me nuts and didn't make any sense to me since I didn't have friends who took that risk.  Personally, I'd call the cops if I felt concerned and confident that the police wouldn't tell the couple there was a complaint.  The only way to change behavior like this is for them to suffer the consequences.  Clearly, they believe they're okay to drive because they have yet to be busted.

    However, I'm kind of surprised at all the pearl clutching over getting drunk at the event (not the driving part).  OP has clearly spelled out that getting drunk is pretty usual for this event and acceptable.  H's HS has a baseball fundraiser that is held off-site and a lot of the guests (99% male audience) do some heavy drinking as well.
    Exactly. 

    If it's an all the time thing, then maybe some side-eye is warranted, but for one event, where they are adults, I just don't see why this is so scandalous. 
  • My H and I used to attend a local school fundraiser for our friend's kid's school. The event was open to anyone who bought a ticket. It was a night out for a lot of us, and many of us that attended either didn't have kids or didn't have kids in that school district. It was at a country club and always had a casino night theme. It was fun. 

    Anyway, my point is, I can see how (if it's the only time everyone gets together/gets to go out/gets dressed up) it turns into a post-gaming situation. No judgement from me on drinking at the event and then later at someone's house. These things don't even usually go that late. Just because it's related to the school, does it mean that they shouldn't drink? What about people in my situation that don't have kids and just attend the event to donate? It's not like kids are present at these fundraisers. 

    I think the LW should confront the couple, but honestly, it probably won't do much good. IME people that do these things will keep doing them, until something tragic happens. And even then, some don't change their ways. 
  • I guess the reason the amount of drinking jumped out to me is because it’s a school event and because party bus + drinking at the event + after party just sounds like a lot, but I see everyone else’s point that as long as they aren’t inappropriate at the event or driving home, not a problem. 
  • I guess the reason the amount of drinking jumped out to me is because it’s a school event and because party bus + drinking at the event + after party just sounds like a lot, but I see everyone else’s point that as long as they aren’t inappropriate at the event or driving home, not a problem. 
    I know plenty of Catholic school fundraisers that have this type of vibe.  ;) 
  • I have zero qualms about calling the cops in this case. LW did what they could to prevent it.

    I can honestly say I've been in one - ONE - situation where a friend thought he was okay, and we all basically said "No, you either stay here or someone will call the cops."

    With the amount of driving programs out there, no excuse.
  • I guess the reason the amount of drinking jumped out to me is because it’s a school event and because party bus + drinking at the event + after party just sounds like a lot, but I see everyone else’s point that as long as they aren’t inappropriate at the event or driving home, not a problem. 


    For me, I see the amount of drinking as a bit of a problem.  Not because it is a school event or anything like that, but it's just not a good idea for anyone to get so drunk they can't even put their shoes on.  Hey, I've occasionally been there (almost there) myself!  Never driving.  But just because I've been guilty of imbibing way too much doesn't mean I think it's fine.

    I have no tolerance for drunk driving.  I can see how "buzzed" driving can happen (not okay either).  But the kind of intoxication levels the LW is talking about is especially infuriating.  I would call the cops on my own mother or BFF if I knew they were drunk and saw their car was gone.  I'd rather see someone pissed at me than visit them at the morgue.  Or at their trial for killing a family of 5.

    In a previous life, I managed a large gas station/convenience store.  I always called the cops if I saw someone in my store who was drunk and then got into a vehicle.  One of those times, they guy gave me money to get gas.  In an effort to "delay" him, I took the money ($5), but then didn't turn his pump on.  I immediately called the police and even told them what pump number the guy was at. 

    Within a few minutes, the cops arrived and arrested him.

    The guy actually came back the next day to get his car and to see me.  I was a little freaked out!  But he actually thanked me for calling the police because he realized, after he sobered up, that he should never have been in a car.  I nicely told him I hoped he was more careful in the future because, he could have not only hurt himself, but hurt an innocent person.  Then I told him I still had his $5 in the safe and, now that he was sober, I'd be happy to put that on his pump.  He laughed and said that would be great.

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  • ei34ei34 member
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    LW should speak to the mutual friends, if they’re all as concerned they should tell the couple that overdoes it that their options are
    - they’ll all chip in and pay for the party bus to stay around an extra few hours to drive the couple (and anyone else who’s interested) home 
    -they have to get an Uber home 
    - they have to sleep at the after party location 

    If the couple insisted on driving home I wouldn’t invite them again. I wouldn’t care about offending this couple or risking severing ties by taking a tough stance.  Drunk driving isn’t a joke or something to tiptoe around.  

    No judgment on the location of the hard partying.  Party bus + event + after party is becoming more common for weddings so why not any other adult event?  As a parent whose kids consider waking up at 5:30 sleeping in, i personally don’t go past a second drink, but that’s my own business.

  • *shrugs* I guess I just don't know hard drinkers, and all the fundraisers I've ever seen for a school are, you know, selling wrapping paper and Chipotle nights and that kind of shit. It just sounded so...college, to me, and that kind of drinking wasn't fun when I *was* in college. 
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  • mrsconn23 said:
    I guess the reason the amount of drinking jumped out to me is because it’s a school event and because party bus + drinking at the event + after party just sounds like a lot, but I see everyone else’s point that as long as they aren’t inappropriate at the event or driving home, not a problem. 
    I know plenty of Catholic school fundraisers that have this type of vibe.  ;) 
    I was going to say...

    My friends still have parties like this and we are all in our 40s. However, none of us would ever drive after we've been drinking. Taxis, transit, Uber and DDs are all options as is crashing at people's places. 

    FWIW, as a parent sometimes when you've gotten rid of your kid for a couple of days sometimes you need to let loose. 
  • I don’t have a problem with the drinking. I do have a problem with the driving. I have a zero tolerance for drunk driving. FSIL and I used to have huge arguments over her drinking and driving. I told her more than once I would immediately call the cops if she left the house. She begrudgingly would take an uber. And then guess who hit a light pole, almost killed herself and her friend, and who lost her license for a year? 


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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    I see two options for next year- leave the drunk drivers out of the plans or leave yourself out of the plans.

    Getting drunk at my kids' school holds zero appeal.  I also have no desire to spend the night at someone else's house and wake up with a hangover. Now drinking with the neighbors and stumbling home at some point.....(every Memorial day/4th of July/random summer night)

  • I have plenty desire to go out and have a few drinks but zero to wake up hungover.   As I've aged I measure my hangovers in dayS PLURAL.  There's nothing fun about the headache, dry mouth, upset stomach, fatigue feeling I get PLUS the need to parent.    No thanks.

    That said, I can see a fundraiser with drinks as a great time.   I'm way too old to play sleepover someone's home.   If I'm close enough to my house that it's a drivable distance I intend to be sober enough to get into it. 


  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2018

    This post reminds me of a good commercial I saw a few years ago.  The whole "scene" was a shot of a pair of legs underneath a bathroom stall.  You see the legs kind of stumbling around, not steady, and you're thinking, "What the heck is going on?"  And then the tag line pops up that says something like (paraphrasing), "When it is this hard to use the bathroom, you shouldn't be behind the wheel.  Don't drink and drive."

    I definitely had an "oh yeah, I've been there" recognition of how the slight balancing act of using a toilet can sometimes get surprisingly more difficult after I've had a few!

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  • This post reminds me of a good commercial I saw a few years ago.  The whole "scene" was a shot of a pair of legs underneath a bathroom stall.  You see the legs kind of stumbling around, not steady, and you're thinking, "What the heck is going on?"  And then the tag line pops up that says something like (paraphrasing), "When it is this hard to use the bathroom, you shouldn't be behind the wheel.  Don't drink and drive."
    some of the don't drink and drive commercials are good .... others meh, some heart wrenching.

    One that was on a few years ago that would start off with a baby crying. After what felt like forever, a msg pops up saying "This baby will keep on crying for awhile because the parents were killed in a car accident due to drinking and driving at this moment." {better wording but that's the jist}
  • This post reminds me of a good commercial I saw a few years ago.  The whole "scene" was a shot of a pair of legs underneath a bathroom stall.  You see the legs kind of stumbling around, not steady, and you're thinking, "What the heck is going on?"  And then the tag line pops up that says something like (paraphrasing), "When it is this hard to use the bathroom, you shouldn't be behind the wheel.  Don't drink and drive."
    some of the don't drink and drive commercials are good .... others meh, some heart wrenching.

    One that was on a few years ago that would start off with a baby crying. After what felt like forever, a msg pops up saying "This baby will keep on crying for awhile because the parents were killed in a car accident due to drinking and driving at this moment." {better wording but that's the jist}

    Eeeekkk, that is a chilling one.

    I saw a similar one, but with a happy ending.  You see a guy walking toward the front door, it's night time, and he stops to pat his dog on the head and jokingly tells it something like, "I'm going out with my friends, don't wait up!"

    The dog hops up on the couch, that is against a window, and stares outside.  For hours and hours he stays by his post.  Then it's morning and the dog is still there.  Waiting for his person.  Then the guy walks back through the door and the dog jumps down to greet him, all excited.  The guy pets and tells the dog, something like, "Sorry!  I drank too much and spent the night at my friend's house.  I wanted to make sure I came home to you."   

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  • This post reminds me of a good commercial I saw a few years ago.  The whole "scene" was a shot of a pair of legs underneath a bathroom stall.  You see the legs kind of stumbling around, not steady, and you're thinking, "What the heck is going on?"  And then the tag line pops up that says something like (paraphrasing), "When it is this hard to use the bathroom, you shouldn't be behind the wheel.  Don't drink and drive."
    some of the don't drink and drive commercials are good .... others meh, some heart wrenching.

    One that was on a few years ago that would start off with a baby crying. After what felt like forever, a msg pops up saying "This baby will keep on crying for awhile because the parents were killed in a car accident due to drinking and driving at this moment." {better wording but that's the jist}

    Eeeekkk, that is a chilling one.

    I saw a similar one, but with a happy ending.  You see a guy walking toward the front door, it's night time, and he stops to pat his dog on the head and jokingly tells it something like, "I'm going out with my friends, don't wait up!"

    The dog hops up on the couch, that is against a window, and stares outside.  For hours and hours he stays by his post.  Then it's morning and the dog is still there.  Waiting for his person.  Then the guy walks back through the door and the dog jumps down to greet him, all excited.  The guy pets and tells the dog, something like, "Sorry!  I drank too much and spent the night at my friend's house.  I wanted to make sure I came home to you."   

    Oh I remember that one! That ran on the t.v after they pulled the baby one. Everyone expected them to do the same thing with the dog since it was MADD who did both of the commercials.
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